Update: when sibs don't want your kids around their kids...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by recovering doormat, Oct 29, 2008.

  1. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Last week I posted, through tears, that my brother didn't want me to bring my three kids to his daughter's confirmation for the weekend. My nieces and nephew are innocent, unspoiled, clean kids who really don't do anything bad. Mine are foulmouthed juvenile delinquents. My bro was concerned on two fronts: that there might be an incident that would wreck the occasion for his kid, and in general, my kids are currently not good role models for his kids, who are slightly younger. I don't dispute any of this, but I cried hot tears for a day just from the hurt.

    I ended up going by myself, and I had a wonderful, relaxing time. My bro and sister in law were absolutely thrilled that I came down, as was my niece (her father, graciously, did not share with anyone why my kids were absent), and I enjoyed my brief respite from Purgatory Central. The hard part was telling my kids the night before that I was going to go after all, and without them, and why. Oldest kid cursed her uncle, middle child shrugged, youngest begged me to take her anyway, that she'd be good (she's 12 going on 16, a Lolita in the making, and I'm losing the battle trying to curb her profanity and interest in boys). I even enjoyed the five hour drive each way, becasue I was alone in the car and no one was changing my radio station to hip hop or rap. I found a wonderful yarn store and stocked up on some premium wool to knit scarves and hats for Christmas.

    Had a chance to talk to my bro, and he professed his love for me and my kids. I respect his authority as a parent, and though our behaviorist suggested I express my feelings about his being "judgemental," I just didn't have the heart to do it. I see him as being scared to death that his kids will do the kind of stuff he did as a teen. He hung out with really crazy, bad kids. Never got in trouble withthe law, but he was just darn lucky. What might seem like hypocrisy on his part (he could be more sympathetic to my kids because he did some of the same stuff they do) I see as fear that his pure children will be contaminated. As I expressed in my earlier post, he sees the world in a more black and white state than I do. My sister in law told me as I was leaving that she had tried to persuade him to allow my kids to come because maybe reverse osmosis -- his gentle kids being a good influence on mine -- would happen. He was adamant, though, she said, that they not take a chance. He would have been nervous the whole weekend, he said, and I'm sure I would have picked up on that and it probably would have created such tension that something would have happened.

    Then, I got back from Virginia Sunday night, and received confirmation that my brother was right to worry. Unbeknownst to me or their dad, difficult child 1 and 2 let themselves into my house Friday night and had a couple of friends over. My furniture was moved around, difficult child 2's room smelled like a frat house (stale marijuana smoke and someone drank a Smirnoff cooler and barfed on the rug. difficult child 2 cleaned up bodily fluids with straight Clorox bleach on premium carpet tiles), there was sticky stuff all over my kitchen floor, spilled soda or something, and the sink was piled to overflowing with dishes, pots and pans. They ate everything in sight except for condiments. Can you beleive the nerve? Break into my house, cook and eat, and don't even clean up?

    I'm still steaming three days later as I write this. I haven't let kids in my house since then. I've left messages and written emails to behaviorist asking for help to decide how to consequence my 18 and 15 year old, adn she hasn't replied yet. I'm goign to a parent support group tonight for parents of kids over 18 with conduct disorder and substance abuse problems (a lot have dual diagnosis).

    What would you folks do? Remember, hanging, drawing and quartering was outlawed in the 1600's.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so glad you had a nice solo vacation. It is helpful that you do understand where your brother is coming from. It is hard for him to make these decisions.

    I would also be furious about the kids's behaviours while you were gone. I would think scrubbing ceilings, walls, windows, and floors are in order. They can also run a wet vac for the carpet. They ruined the house, they can clean it. No friends, no activities, no nothing until the house is santized from their "fun".

    I wish I could come and chew them out for you. That would be a special kind of discipline in itself. But then again, it never works on my kids so I can't guarantee it will work on yours.

  3. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    I am glad you went and had a good time. We all need a breather every once in awhile. in my humble opinion I would have kept the why out of the info with the kids. I dont know all your history. But sometimes that makes your bro the bad guy and you may not want to paint him into a corner. Again just MHO.
    My my what a welcome home you had. NO suggestions just hugs.
  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    OMG! Does your DEX have an excuse for the nonsupervision (it had to be for several hours if not overnight, right? Not just a movie)? Did the difficult children have a key so that there's no evidence of B&E? If there's B&E damage I think I'd call the police on the two of them. If there's still weed in the house, ditto. If not, I think I'd change the locks and not give them keys; make them clean, scrub, and sanitize the entire place; and make them pay the cost of replacing the carpet tiles and replacing the groceries. Plus, I'd pull their electronics until I'd seen at least a month of good behavior. Maybe sell enough of 'their' stuff to pay for the damage. I'd be steaming.
  5. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Andy, your comment about coming to my house for a guest appearance to read them the riot act made me laugh out loud! Wouldn't it be great if you could snap your fingers and get a fresh voice to make your point? It would blast their circuits.

    I have to admit I was torn about whether or not to tell my kids that their uncle was concerend about their behavior enough to ask them to stay home. Some people might have been too angry and hurt to atend themselves, and I was absolutely not going to go the day after he called me back...not even spite, but I was afraid Iwould be moping seeing hiis kids and not mine...but it was really okay. I am exhausted from my children and I needed the break.

    My son is unrepentant about entering my home with-o my permission -- trying to minimize his actions and put the blame on big sis. They need something that will really make them thinik about it, and I think an allday cleaning spree of the downstairs would do it.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I too would be steamed at coming home from a nice relaxing time to find my house trashed.

    I think that, in addition to having to clean up the mess they made AND pay for any damage or replacement of fixtures and food, that you change the locks and not let them have keys to your house.

    Truly. This is not a punishment, but simply the natural consequences of their bad behaviour. They have shown you clearly that they cannot be trusted with keys to your house, and so they shouldn't have keys to your house.

    And, like Katya, I wonder about the level of supervision they were receiving while you were away that they had the opportunity to have a party in your house.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Aw, darnit... I'm glad that you had a good time. I would be so torn as to what might be at all helpful in dealing with the aftermath at your house. "This is why you aren't welcome in their home"? "Grab a bucket"? "You owe me $300 for cleaning and food. Don't come back until you make it right"?
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad to hear you went and enjoyed. I'm so sorry to what you came home to-yuck!
  9. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    I have not followed all your posts. Why are your children not living with you? by the way, I am in Connecticut, too.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Charge them for the food and your time for cleaning. I agree with the all day scrub-fest, and if you have to rent a Rug Doctor, charge them for that, too. And how much will it be to replace the carpet tiles? I would be way past furious at having my home invaded.

    On a happier note, I'm glad you had a good time at the confirmation!
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Good morning

    i'm so so late to this. I'm glad also you had a great time, and relaxing time. Sometimes just being in your own car, with no kids can be heaven.

    What if you just stated that their going to make it right now by coming by your house, upon you picking them up on assigned day and clean the entire thing? Would that work? To try to show them to respect your stuff, your home, etc??

    Just a thought. I wish you luck. I'm sorry your brother felt that way. It can get rough with-family members.
  12. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    I think I will give them a choice: they report here Saturday to clean up the mess they made, or I will charge them. Locks might not need to be changed if I can be certain that I have all my keys back -- my kids are too lazy to get copies made. My ex found a key that he thinks is mine in his washing machine.

    Until then, they don't come back to my house.
  13. kymmie

    kymmie New Member

    I have an ADT alarm system installed at my home from the previous owners. Although it is not activated with ADT, the alarm functions still work (it just doesn't send any signal to ADT, who would then call police). I still set the alarm when I leave, someone breaking into my home wouldn't know the police arn't on their way. NO, I won't tell any of you where I live.

    The alarm is ear piercing and they would have to know the code to get the alarm to turn off, trust me they wouldn't be able to remain in the house with the alarm on for very long. Maybe you can find a used system on e-bay or something. Or find a deal where they offer free equipment with activation, pay for a few month, then cancel (careful, they may make you sign a contract).