Very good food for thought, Marg! Thank you! I'll post what I know and think I see regarding PO and maybe you and others can help me from there. But, there might not be any way for me to lead her to change her outlook about me and difficult child- if she can't figure it out by seeing people like the judge and attnys over-riding her, I doubt she is open-minded enough to change her view.
When she first got involved nearly 2 years ago as difficult child's PO, I think she did have the opinion like you described about me giving difficult child excuses for bad behavior. Also, I think our different ethnic background maybe had her feeling like he wouldn't have gotten off so light if he was from her ethnic origin. After several months with me noticing that she seemed to always disagree with me and it would not be about consistent things- like one day I was not strict enough on difficult child, then 2 weeks later I was too strict, I discussed it with GAL and GAL said she agreed with my decisions and that she thought the PO and I were from two entirely different cultural backgrounds and that was the problem.
Then, I started hearing a little about her from others and I was trying to take note of some things that maybe would help me understand her better. I am a person who believes in trying to build bridges between differences instead of feeding stereotypes and prejudices, so I really tried. She is in her early twenties and has recently married a man with 2 (I think) real young children. She has a couple of photos of a baby in her office as well, so I don't know if this is her baby or not- I never saw her pregnant. Others (the policeman from school, attny's, the principal) have said the PO is really looking to get me in trouble with the judge (these are the people who don't know her well but have talked with her about us) or that she is "not a very nice person", "difficult to get along with", "not very friendly", "seems to have a grudge" (these are the people who have worked with her on more than just difficult child's case. So, then I started thinking that maybe she is a person that feels she and her ethnic group have been so victimized in the past that unwittingly, it has turned into reverse- discrimination and I need to let her know that I might not fit her stereotype.
But, it got stickier when she tried to tell me not to have an MDE done on difficult child after I applied at the state "expert" place on mood disorders and after several months, found out that they had agreed to evaluation difficult child. This was after his regular psychiatrist had just evaluation'd him for bipolar and there was still a lot of doubt about what was going on with difficult child. Of course, I tried to discuss this with PO and explain why this was important, but she didn't care- she told me it was a waste of time and I shouldn't take him. Well, I took him anyway which really ticked her off.
This is when others started subtly telling me that the PO's level of education and understanding of mental health and belief system regarding mental health treatment was not the same as most professional people's or as most people that she's used to dealing with or as most people who have difficult child's and advocate for them, basicly. So, instead of trying to do battle with her over difficult child's apprpriate treatment (he was on a "child in need of services" at that point), I requested a hearing before the judge to have the order changed from a treatment that addressed conduct disorder (behavioral contract) to treatment that was recommended by the mental health profs that had evaluation'd him so I could get his meood disorder addressed. The PO acted like she thought the judge would NEVER agree to that.
But, the judge heard the case. This is also when we got into things pertaining to my family, my therapy as a young adult, my parental decisions, etc. We got into all that then because it was a hearing where everyone involved was in the court room except difficult child and a lot of this stuff would not have been appropriate to discuss in front of difficult child. Now, at the end of that hearing, the judge did rule in my favor and it appeared obvious that the judge knew that I was making competent decisions regarding difficult child. They learned about the dysfunction in the family I was raised in, the abuse, and how my step-father gave me strength to hang in there. They learned how I got myself out of it, put myself through therapy in my early 20's, and got myself a college degree. They learned that while my family still sees me as the "defected" person because of all of that, I see them as the "untreated" ones because they never even acknowledged to themselves or anyone else that they have problems too, much less received any help to overcome their own issues. Of course, I had to give specific examples and I did. At the end of it, they were asking questions to make sure I was protecting difficult child from all my other family. I told them that I was sure there were still dysfunctional tendencies that I was passing to difficult child, both genetically and environmentally, but I was doing the best I could to minimize them and help him to understand that he doesn't have to be another statistic- he can learn to take control and responsibility for his life instead of sitting back letting his life just happen and never getting out of the system.
Anyway, after that, it seemed like everyone treated me with a little more respect except PO. She spent the next few months acting toward me like ... well, she wouldn't look me in the eye and she would try to explain the most basic things about kids to me. I got the impression that she thought I didn't have a clue about any kind of home life or difficult child's basic needs- like he needs to have homework time on school nights and stuff like that. Like I must have just fallen off the turnip truck- never mind that I'd been raising difficult child for 13 years and had testified about things like it bothering me when I saw other parents let their kids eat candy and soda at dinner time on a regular basis instead of healthy meals- so others noticed that I was in tune with raising a healthy child, but PO couldn't see that for some reason. She treated me like I was clueless and started treating difficult child like she felt sorry for him. I had made effort to personalize difficult child when I testified last year, but still, I thought everyone could tell that kids, including difficult child, still need rules and discipline- not to punish for the sake of pupnishment, but it is our role as parents to teach our kids how to make it in this world so someday they can live independently.
But that's the way it was with PO and she started agreeing with difficult child on things that were undermining my authority and good decisions. She seemed to be a black and white thinker; an all-or-nothing sort of person and so I did not tell her every detail of everything- that is true. For instance, she didn't know some things difficult child had done on a cell phone. These were typical teen things, but none-the-less, not permissable. I confiscated difficult child's cell phone. difficult child said he wanted it back and PO told us both that I should give it back to him, although she did know that I had confiscated it for something he had done wrong. There were a lot of things like this. She was out of line- it is not her role to make every decision like that. But it appeared that she thought she could do family therapy with us and if she just taught me and forced me to follow her parental advice, we would be so much better off. And, she appeared to get a grudge if I didn't and want to stress a point that she had ultimate authority in our lives and I better do what she said or she'd take me in front of judge.
Of course, when she went to her super and said I wouldn't follow her authority and advice, I'm sure he got a bad attitude toward me. But see, she also claimed that I refused to do that therapy that was originally ordered, too. That leaves others with a bad impression of me as a mother. But it isn't true- yes, the PO lies. Me taking documentation to the judge and the judge changing her order in order for us to do what the profs recommend is not the same as what PO claimed- that I was unwilling and refused.
So, if she was objective and well-meaning, we could discuss things and maybe work something out. But, not only is she not as knowledgable as she thinks she is, I don't think she is driven by wanting to do the right thing. I think she is driven by wanting to prove that she has authority over me and that I need to be making parental decisions that she says, whether I agree with them or not.
She actually had told me last spring that I was not giving difficult child enough freedom at one point (this was after she told me I gave him too much because I took him to a park to pick up garbage after being grounded for being in trouble- which GAL backed me up on), then went to court and told the judge that I should be held accountable for difficult child going out and getting into trouble in the first place because I hadn't known exactly where he was. But everyone knew, difficult child left home without permission and got into trouble 20-30 mins later. Then, when difficult child told her he wished he could play M rated games like his friends were allowed to, she told us that I should let him, that she even lets her young step-sons play them. Not only is this not her place to dictate our family values, but difficult child's psychiatrist and therapist had agreed that difficult child should not be playing these games and that really, no young children should be playing M rated games. It would be one thing if we could just agree that we believe in raising children differently, but for her to tell my son that I should be letting him do those things causes problems, then when she gets mad and acts like I refuse to comply by her authority because of it, it leaves me no choice but to defend myself, in my humble opinion.
Maybe it's just a control issue in her mind, but not only do I think I need to keep the authority in my house, but I also strongly disagree with the specific decisions she tries to tell me to make. And the profs disagree with her decisions, too. It will depend on hhow this comes out on Monday. If the judge hears about some details of PO's decisions, she might agree that PO is out of line. on the other hand, the judge could take the position that it doesn't matter, the PO has authority.
One thing I can't quite put my finger on is why would she act like she has to give me orders for some things I myself have been the one to ask for and fight for.
Sorry- this is way long- I'll stop now. LOL!
many many times I absolutely know that your son's best interests are for you to focus your energies on his future. Furthermore I believe it is "normal" for your son to be highly anxious. You are a grown adult and you are highly anxious. Dealing with "the system" triggers anxiety. At your visit I would not try to dissuade your son. I would just reiterate how much you love him and hope that he will benefit from his future care.
Hugs. DDD
