Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Jun 3, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    It has been a while since I have been on, lots has happened.
    36 year old daughter is back to being lazy and off track.
    My mother died suddenly 3 weeks ago unexpectedly. My daughter went with me to the funeral and even helped me officiate the service. My daughter was helpful and supportive and helped me with different things.
    Now my daughter is lazy and using her grandmothers death as an excuse to take it easy and not do anything or not pay her bills.
    My mother's death is very hard on all of us but the bills still need to be paid and the house and laundry still need to be done.
    My name is tied to a few of my daughters bills, I have to hound her each month to pay them, some of them will be paid off completely this fall.
    I am typing this out as a fact NEVER will I tie my name with hers on any financial matters. We are tired and wore out with her waiting for the last minute to pay her bills and then being harrassed for her constantly being late.
    We got into a blow out today. My husband told her off and then I talked with her and backed up everything that he had said. My husband told her that he was so tired and we are getting old and we are tired of her taking our retirement money. My husband had so much frustration in his voice. I will be so glad when the fall comes and several of her bills will be completely paid off, I will feel financial relief. I will never be suckered into signing my name on any of her bills.

    My mothers death weighs heavy on me, it has changed me in ways and it has made me less tolerable to my daughters B.S. I am truly headed into a new stronger direction and I can feel the shift in me.
    I will miss my mother very much, she was funny, entertaining, eccentric and interesting. I feel a deep sense of loss, this sense of loss makes my grief over my daughters behavior stronger and it also gives me renewed energy to knock off the crap she gives me faster.

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  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. May she R.I.P. I am sure she is still with you, loving you.

    Death does change perspective. After my dear father passed it changed what I was willing to put up with just like you. Our life is short and we do not age backwards and we deserve to be treated by all with kindness, especially those we love. If not...it is up to us to decide what to do about it. I will share my philosophy on giving any money to anybody, kids or otherwise.

    I don't do loans .The fact is people clog up small claims court system, including family members against one another, fighting to get back loans. I give gifts only so that I don't have to fight peole to pay me back. If I can't afford it, I don't give it. I go to a particular social group at least three times a week and have many friends. If I pay for coffee or lunch it is a gift. I helped my daughter buy her house. This was the first time we ever had money to give her and she did not ask, never asked for any. This was for us a big chunk of money and she was very grateful. It was a gift. I don't think I would gift money to even my beloved children if they had a history of abusing it or me. I'm not rich enough to give money to those who don't appreciate it. We don't put our name on their loans either and they don't ask. A few times we bought kids cheap cars....$3000 or so. My hub is a mechanic and old cars last forever here. We have old cars too. But once it is bought it is their responsibility to pay all expenses. We do not share bills or sign with them or expect to get paid back. We give only what we can afford and when it is a surprise, not a demand.

    It is your time to heal and relax maybe take a vacation. Your daughter is 36. What will she do when you are gone. Obviously she has no monetary sense and will blow through her inheritance. Then who will pay her bills or put their name on her loans? She will have to grow up or do without. And some people blow through even generous inheritances within the year. Heck some blow through lottery wins that way. We love them but we do them no long term favors if we support them. 36 is an age where most adults are on their own and have been for a decade more. Your daughter is not going to change suddenly. She is going to manipulate you and use you until you say no. If you don't say no, that is fine but it is truly a waste of time to expect her to be and do what she never has. If you give her money expect not to get paid back. If you put your credit on the line for her, expect to be the one to make sure the bills are paid on time. Or stop doing it, another choice. Eventually she will be on her own anyway.

    Again I am so sorry for your lost and hope you now take good care of you for wonderful golden years. Sadly this daughter can not give you the relationship you dearly crave but you can still be peaceful, happy and enjoy your life. We just retired. We bought a boat. We are going to travel. Please spoil yourself. You deserve it. You are a precious, special person.

    Love and light.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2018
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    So sorry for your loss. I truly believe they are in a better place and are with us in a different way.
    I agree with swot about the money and your daughter. I recently came to that decision with my son. I had to cut off most communication to do it. Every phone call every text was either i need money or do this for me. It was draining my retirement as well as physically and emotionally exhausting. He is working but i do not know or want to know if he is paying bills. I quit cosigning anything or a while back because i would end up paying for it. I worked 40 years so i could enjoy my life and now am trying to get back on track . please take care of you.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry for your loss. You are very fortunate to have had your mother for a large part of your life.

    I do hope that you find the strength to separate your lives from your daughter's life.

    Agree that you and hubby need to be good to YOURSELVES.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Newstart, my deepest condolences go out to you for the sudden unexpected loss of your dear mother. May God comfort and guide you in this difficult time.
    I am sorry that your relationship with your daughter continues as is. I think it is a good plan to remove yourself from any financial ties and burden in the future. It is a different road we travel with our wayward adult children. Certainly not what we had imagined when raising them. Unfortunately, for some of us, our difficult children grow up and view us more as an opportunity, then a beloved parent. I think it is up to us to set the record straight, strengthen ourselves and stand strong against their propensity to try to take advantage of our love for them.
    Love says no.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother Newstart, that's a big loss. May she rest in peace.

    You've been consistently moving in the direction of detaching from your daughter in all ways. It's a process, it takes us time to maneuver thru. It takes us time to really "see" who our adult troubled kids are, without our perceptions, our love for them, our fears for them, the relentless worries, the unending guilt, our resentments and angers.....

    You're doing a wonderful job of disengaging from your daughter's choices and behaviors.....

    During this tender time, nourish and nurture yourself.....take good care of yourself.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Newstart, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Sending you love and hugs! I know how hard it is. I lost my mom when I was only 35, this year will be 20 years since she's been gone and I still miss her.

    With the passing of your mom and all you have been through with your daughter, you sound good, you sound strong.
    Each new day you gain more strength. Stay steady the course dear lady. Be good to yourself and take care of yourself.
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you all for your support, love and comments. Since my mother died I truly feel different, now I am the older generation. Even though I believe in the afterlife, I will miss so much about my mother. My mom would say things that would make me laugh hard, she just had that kind of personality. Mom had the most beautiful silver hair that I have ever seen, one of the reasons I quit putting color in mine.
    My husband exploding on our daughter was well deserved. I usually do all the battles with her, he tore into her with frustration that has been building for years. We ran into our daughter and 1/2 a** boyfriend at the community swimming pool, both were able to go swimming because I paid the dues for my daughter and one guest for the year, they were not happy to see us there and 1/2 A** boyfriend says the same thing all the time, I've been busy, busy, busy. I think that should talk for itself, my husband is a very busy man and I have never heard him say 'busy, busy busy' anyway being around those two nitwits was more than my husband could take so when we got home, he called our daughter and exploded on her. He has the gift to bring it all to the top and not forget anything and say everything that needed to be said, even though it was my mother that died, my husband is very sad and I guess her death has moved things along at a faster pace. Mom's death just reminds us that time is short, unpredictable and fragile we don't want the BS and we are not going to take it anymore either. Life is going by at record speed I do not want to check up on a 36 year old to make sure she is taking care of her bills or even keeping her house clean. We want her to close the money pit spa she owns, I should say we own since we are paying so much for it. Stupid decisions are so costly and soon, real soon I will be out from her stupid decisions. The car and student loans get paid off in Oct and the house in just a few more years. Each time we confront her she says 'well,I am not on drugs or alcohol' as if that is her A card to keep using us. I said I am not on drugs or alcohol either, neither is your dad so because we are drug and alcohol free are YOU going to pay our bills.

    Idiot mentality is what my daughter has and my mothers death is given me some kind of super power to not feel so much guilt or hurt over my daughters behavior almost like she is a dirty piece of grime on my hands and I finally have the strength to wash it off and not feel bad that it is sitting at the bottom of the sink and about to go down the drain. For years guilt, sadness, all kinds of other stuff was sitting at my heart and causing me to be a victim to this abuse. My mothers death is setting new feelings in my heart, feelings about life being really short about being happy.

    I know that I deserve to be happy everyday. Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord hath made I will rejoice and be glad in it.
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Priceless!!! Well said Newstart, well said!
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  10. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I don't have much to add New Start, except I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. Sounds like you and she were very close. I am glad to hear that her passing has given you strength to resist the guilt and manipulation of your daughter. Hugs to you.
  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Beta for your compassion.
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so very sorry for the sudden loss of your mother. Mine passed a year ago at the end of May and my Dad a year prio. I miss them both so terribly.
    I am glad you find comfort in your community here.
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  13. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Littleboylost. I think of you and your son and hope he is doing well. I have not been on here that much but last I read your son was in rehab and his girlfriend and mother were being disruptive. I sure hope things are going well for you and upward. Thank you for your compassion and I was sorry to hear you too lost your dear mom last year. It feels so weird to not have my mom. I wish you much peace.