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Upsetting phone call from 34yo Difficult Child
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 659786" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Translation: Going no contact over the phone, abusing you on Facebook, berating you to others as I have been ~ none of this is working. You are going to have to, I will force you to, I have spoken, I am coming, and you better listen ~ see me face to face. Then you will give in, give me what I want, do what I say.</p><p></p><p>He is calling the shots, Seeking.</p><p></p><p>He has a ride to your house.</p><p></p><p>I think he will be coming there, whatever you say. Keep your phone at hand. Will you be able to tell him to leave? Will you be able to call the police?</p><p></p><p>It helped us to know what we would have to see before we would help.</p><p></p><p>That was the only way we could not help.</p><p></p><p>Now we are stronger, but then, we could so easily be fooled, could lose control of the situation and of our lives. We could be pushed and find ourselves with a dirty, addicted male living in the living room. So, we would give him a bedroom.</p><p></p><p>And it cost us so much money to get him out, once he was in, Seeking. We just couldn't throw him out with nothing. Car, clothing, food, cash.</p><p></p><p>We did that more than once, Seeking.</p><p></p><p>Don't let him come to your house. Don't let him in. Call the police. Tell him ahead of time that is exactly what you are going to do and stick to it.</p><p></p><p>You have us, now. You can do this. </p><p></p><p>Tell him what you need to see in him and in his life before you will see <em>him</em> again.</p><p></p><p>And mean it.</p><p></p><p>That reparations piece, coupled with the way he writes about checking the obits to see whether one or both of you is in Hell yet, coupled with the coldness in using the girlfriend to manipulate you with her Social Worker's degree and now, her grandmother...you need to be wise, and you need to be wary, and you are probably going to have to be very mean, you and D H, Seeking.</p><p></p><p>You can always change your minds and let him move in. That is what he wants, and you need to say no a thousand times. That would help me I think, to tell myself I can always change my mind, but this time the answer is NO MOVING HOME/NO MONEY/WE WILL CALL THE POLICE.</p><p></p><p>And you might explain the situation to the police, and ask them to drive by the house in the night.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>You did so well, Seeking. Unexpected phone call, "I need to see you.", would have had me on my knees. In my heart, I would have been on my knees. I might be able to remember to say the words we learn here?</p><p></p><p>But in my heart, I would be on my knees, full-throttle mom response.</p><p></p><p>Your son will be at your door soon I think. He is using his last resources to get back to his original source. Maybe you should consider telling him you are working with young men in a volunteer capacity now, and find it so satisfying that you no longer miss him and wonder why you ever did. I am thinking about that "reparations" comment. This is a child who knows you love him more than yourselves; this is a well-parented child who knows his value to you. In exchange for reparations, you would have a child who loves you again, is that his thinking?</p><p></p><p>So, it's blackmail.</p><p></p><p>If it makes it easier for you to take Seeking, our son is exactly this way. He is not as mean, as intentionally, bludgeoning you to death mean as your son. But he is mean. He does say terrible things. (I have never heard of any son writing the things your son writes or speaks to you. I am saying he calls me a jerk and D H bad names like alcoholic. And both kids want our house and talk about it like it was already theirs. And both still want us to buy them a car and think we should and accuse us of being a bad family because, out of all the families they know, we are the only family mean enough to not help.) Our son too visited relatives and confessed to all the terrible reasons why he was not living the life we had pretended we wanted for him. It was awkward for us. Essentially, we were named liars and abusers and cold, unfeeling people who cared only about how we were thought of and nothing about either of our kids.</p><p></p><p>Ours are such ugly stories.</p><p></p><p>Our son did not send a Father's Day card for D H, nor did he call. We sent birthday cards and money for all of their birthdays, between May and July 1st. All we can think of is that son must have what he wants until Christmas or Hallowe'en. </p><p></p><p>Such ugly stories.</p><p></p><p>Echo is right, Seeking. You and D H are very strong, now.</p><p></p><p>But I think it is going to be a long, hard road unless you cut it off right from the first step.</p><p></p><p>We are right here, all of us, Seeking and D H.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 659786, member: 17461"] Translation: Going no contact over the phone, abusing you on Facebook, berating you to others as I have been ~ none of this is working. You are going to have to, I will force you to, I have spoken, I am coming, and you better listen ~ see me face to face. Then you will give in, give me what I want, do what I say. He is calling the shots, Seeking. He has a ride to your house. I think he will be coming there, whatever you say. Keep your phone at hand. Will you be able to tell him to leave? Will you be able to call the police? It helped us to know what we would have to see before we would help. That was the only way we could not help. Now we are stronger, but then, we could so easily be fooled, could lose control of the situation and of our lives. We could be pushed and find ourselves with a dirty, addicted male living in the living room. So, we would give him a bedroom. And it cost us so much money to get him out, once he was in, Seeking. We just couldn't throw him out with nothing. Car, clothing, food, cash. We did that more than once, Seeking. Don't let him come to your house. Don't let him in. Call the police. Tell him ahead of time that is exactly what you are going to do and stick to it. You have us, now. You can do this. Tell him what you need to see in him and in his life before you will see [I]him[/I] again. And mean it. That reparations piece, coupled with the way he writes about checking the obits to see whether one or both of you is in Hell yet, coupled with the coldness in using the girlfriend to manipulate you with her Social Worker's degree and now, her grandmother...you need to be wise, and you need to be wary, and you are probably going to have to be very mean, you and D H, Seeking. You can always change your minds and let him move in. That is what he wants, and you need to say no a thousand times. That would help me I think, to tell myself I can always change my mind, but this time the answer is NO MOVING HOME/NO MONEY/WE WILL CALL THE POLICE. And you might explain the situation to the police, and ask them to drive by the house in the night. *** You did so well, Seeking. Unexpected phone call, "I need to see you.", would have had me on my knees. In my heart, I would have been on my knees. I might be able to remember to say the words we learn here? But in my heart, I would be on my knees, full-throttle mom response. Your son will be at your door soon I think. He is using his last resources to get back to his original source. Maybe you should consider telling him you are working with young men in a volunteer capacity now, and find it so satisfying that you no longer miss him and wonder why you ever did. I am thinking about that "reparations" comment. This is a child who knows you love him more than yourselves; this is a well-parented child who knows his value to you. In exchange for reparations, you would have a child who loves you again, is that his thinking? So, it's blackmail. If it makes it easier for you to take Seeking, our son is exactly this way. He is not as mean, as intentionally, bludgeoning you to death mean as your son. But he is mean. He does say terrible things. (I have never heard of any son writing the things your son writes or speaks to you. I am saying he calls me a jerk and D H bad names like alcoholic. And both kids want our house and talk about it like it was already theirs. And both still want us to buy them a car and think we should and accuse us of being a bad family because, out of all the families they know, we are the only family mean enough to not help.) Our son too visited relatives and confessed to all the terrible reasons why he was not living the life we had pretended we wanted for him. It was awkward for us. Essentially, we were named liars and abusers and cold, unfeeling people who cared only about how we were thought of and nothing about either of our kids. Ours are such ugly stories. Our son did not send a Father's Day card for D H, nor did he call. We sent birthday cards and money for all of their birthdays, between May and July 1st. All we can think of is that son must have what he wants until Christmas or Hallowe'en. Such ugly stories. Echo is right, Seeking. You and D H are very strong, now. But I think it is going to be a long, hard road unless you cut it off right from the first step. We are right here, all of us, Seeking and D H. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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