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Upsetting phone call from 34yo Difficult Child
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 659886" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Just checking in with you two, Seeking.</p><p></p><p>This may help you stay the course: For all of us walking this unbelievably crummy path, guilt and love and frustrated anger and dirtied expectations become so intertwined that we don't really know anymore, how we feel about our kids. We keep trying to know the right thing to do, and that keeps not solving the problem of what to do for or about the kids. D H and I have come to believe that if the kids are ever going to take their lives into their own hands, we have to stop helping in any way. In this scenario, a child who has finally exhausted even the kindness of strangers is on the cusp of reclaiming his or her life.</p><p></p><p>It is mandatory that we let that happen.</p><p></p><p>Our children will find their own way.</p><p></p><p>But we have to get out of the way, for that to happen.</p><p></p><p>For both you and me Seeking, we have helped. It didn't work. Our children have wound themselves so deeply into the ugliness of their addictions that everything about all of our lives has become unrecognizable.</p><p></p><p>D H and I were talking about that last night. </p><p></p><p>About the ugliness of being seen for money, of being "loved" for money or a car or a place to live. Or a bus ticket "home". About what it feels like to be seen, and to fight coming to see ourselves, as forever owing a growing portion of whatever good things we do have to adults who should be cherishing us; who should be sharing and celebrating and adding to what we have accomplished in our lives. </p><p></p><p>I told D H about your son's "reparations" idea. </p><p></p><p>It wasn't even funny to us, because we have been in similar places, and it cuts too close to the bone. It brought us to that place where remembering who we believed our children would become contrasted so sharply with what actually happened that it left us speechless with the loss of it. </p><p></p><p>This is such a hard place to be. That old saw about a rock and a hard place comes to mind. There is no comfort to be taken. </p><p></p><p>Very lonely, here between that rock and that hard place. Nonetheless, that is the path our children have taken. Everywhere we look, everything is broken. If the kids are ever going to turn this thing around, it will be because we did not help. We have to let them get to that point. </p><p></p><p>I don't know whether this strategy will work any better than setting the kids up one more time. I do know those strategies of helping and understanding and believing in them one more time not only did not help them, but made us sitting duck victims of their addictions, too.</p><p></p><p>For his own sake your son, like my kids need to do too, must reclaim his life before you allow him back into yours. </p><p></p><p>I think about you two alot. I don't know how you will be able to face your son, if he comes to your door with nothing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 659886, member: 17461"] Just checking in with you two, Seeking. This may help you stay the course: For all of us walking this unbelievably crummy path, guilt and love and frustrated anger and dirtied expectations become so intertwined that we don't really know anymore, how we feel about our kids. We keep trying to know the right thing to do, and that keeps not solving the problem of what to do for or about the kids. D H and I have come to believe that if the kids are ever going to take their lives into their own hands, we have to stop helping in any way. In this scenario, a child who has finally exhausted even the kindness of strangers is on the cusp of reclaiming his or her life. It is mandatory that we let that happen. Our children will find their own way. But we have to get out of the way, for that to happen. For both you and me Seeking, we have helped. It didn't work. Our children have wound themselves so deeply into the ugliness of their addictions that everything about all of our lives has become unrecognizable. D H and I were talking about that last night. About the ugliness of being seen for money, of being "loved" for money or a car or a place to live. Or a bus ticket "home". About what it feels like to be seen, and to fight coming to see ourselves, as forever owing a growing portion of whatever good things we do have to adults who should be cherishing us; who should be sharing and celebrating and adding to what we have accomplished in our lives. I told D H about your son's "reparations" idea. It wasn't even funny to us, because we have been in similar places, and it cuts too close to the bone. It brought us to that place where remembering who we believed our children would become contrasted so sharply with what actually happened that it left us speechless with the loss of it. This is such a hard place to be. That old saw about a rock and a hard place comes to mind. There is no comfort to be taken. Very lonely, here between that rock and that hard place. Nonetheless, that is the path our children have taken. Everywhere we look, everything is broken. If the kids are ever going to turn this thing around, it will be because we did not help. We have to let them get to that point. I don't know whether this strategy will work any better than setting the kids up one more time. I do know those strategies of helping and understanding and believing in them one more time not only did not help them, but made us sitting duck victims of their addictions, too. For his own sake your son, like my kids need to do too, must reclaim his life before you allow him back into yours. I think about you two alot. I don't know how you will be able to face your son, if he comes to your door with nothing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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