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"Ur gonna be a grandma"
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 626255" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>This sounds like a simple thing, and it is, but it's hard to do. We get into habits. We react. We get sad and we can't stand not to talk to our children. We think well, doing this one little thing is something I would do for anyone. And maybe it will make a difference. I can't stand to do nothing. What do I do with my thoughts and myself if I do nothing? </p><p></p><p>All of those things keep us engaged. </p><p></p><p>Keep taking steps back can look like this:</p><p></p><p>1. If you answer the phone when difficult child calls, stop answering and let the calls go to voice mail. I remember the day it hit me that I did not have to answer the phone when my son called. I thought as his mother, I should always answer the calls of my two sons. I realized I did not have to do that, and that was a big day for me. I was no longer held hostage by my phone and I could either call him back or not. </p><p></p><p>2. If you answer texts, stop responding, and wait for at least 24 hours----no matter how many times he texts or what he says in those texts. One time my son texted me more than 260 times in one day. He kept ramping up because I didn't respond. It's hard at first, but it gets easier. Not responding gave me a perspective on how insane it was that he would keep on texting dozens of question marks or periods just to keep bugging me. </p><p></p><p>3. If you see your son often, start seeing him less often. Finally, this last time, I was seeing my son for 10 minutes once a week. We would sit in my car and talk for 10 minutes. Then we would hug, say I love you and I would let him out of the car. Those were good times, actually. I would feel sad when I left that he was still homeless, but it got easier. </p><p></p><p>Whatever little habits you have of staying engaged, work on putting space between them. Work on stopping. </p><p></p><p>I found that I have to "do something" with that additional angst, time and space that was created by not staying engaged with difficult child. </p><p></p><p>I kept busy with other things. I started using that energy to do nice things for myself. </p><p></p><p>We have to change the bad habits---the sick dance---we are dancing with our difficult children. I'm not dancing anymore. Then our difficult children will have to find another dance partner. Or, in the best of circumstances, they will have to dance with themselves. They will have to quit relying on other people to live their lives for them, and they will have to start living them themselves, under their own power.</p><p></p><p>That hasn't yet happened with my difficult child, but I know now that I have created the space where he can do that, if and when he chooses. Before I stopped, he had no chance because I was filling up all of the space. </p><p></p><p>Hugs. This new path is a hard one, but it is worth it, Stress. We know the other way doesnt work, so let's change what we are doing. We are the only people we can change.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 626255, member: 17542"] This sounds like a simple thing, and it is, but it's hard to do. We get into habits. We react. We get sad and we can't stand not to talk to our children. We think well, doing this one little thing is something I would do for anyone. And maybe it will make a difference. I can't stand to do nothing. What do I do with my thoughts and myself if I do nothing? All of those things keep us engaged. Keep taking steps back can look like this: 1. If you answer the phone when difficult child calls, stop answering and let the calls go to voice mail. I remember the day it hit me that I did not have to answer the phone when my son called. I thought as his mother, I should always answer the calls of my two sons. I realized I did not have to do that, and that was a big day for me. I was no longer held hostage by my phone and I could either call him back or not. 2. If you answer texts, stop responding, and wait for at least 24 hours----no matter how many times he texts or what he says in those texts. One time my son texted me more than 260 times in one day. He kept ramping up because I didn't respond. It's hard at first, but it gets easier. Not responding gave me a perspective on how insane it was that he would keep on texting dozens of question marks or periods just to keep bugging me. 3. If you see your son often, start seeing him less often. Finally, this last time, I was seeing my son for 10 minutes once a week. We would sit in my car and talk for 10 minutes. Then we would hug, say I love you and I would let him out of the car. Those were good times, actually. I would feel sad when I left that he was still homeless, but it got easier. Whatever little habits you have of staying engaged, work on putting space between them. Work on stopping. I found that I have to "do something" with that additional angst, time and space that was created by not staying engaged with difficult child. I kept busy with other things. I started using that energy to do nice things for myself. We have to change the bad habits---the sick dance---we are dancing with our difficult children. I'm not dancing anymore. Then our difficult children will have to find another dance partner. Or, in the best of circumstances, they will have to dance with themselves. They will have to quit relying on other people to live their lives for them, and they will have to start living them themselves, under their own power. That hasn't yet happened with my difficult child, but I know now that I have created the space where he can do that, if and when he chooses. Before I stopped, he had no chance because I was filling up all of the space. Hugs. This new path is a hard one, but it is worth it, Stress. We know the other way doesnt work, so let's change what we are doing. We are the only people we can change. [/QUOTE]
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