Urgent Advice Needed!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lar, Dec 2, 2013.

  1. lar

    lar New Member

    I will try to make this as short as possible. I am a long time member but don't post very often. This board has been a tremendous help to me over the years with my now 25 year old difficult child who was adopted at age 11. I am a single mom.

    She has been in and out of the house for the past 3 to 4 years (mostly out) didn't work, legal issues, probation, etc. At the beginning of this year she began a relationship with someone and they quickly became engaged, both not working and living in a motel room with 3 other people. During the summer she applied at McDonald's where I live and was hired. She agreed to do her best to keep the job so she could pay off her probation if they could stay with me. He also was hired. They both worked, payed off probation and decided to go to the court house to get married. I was okay with all of this because they seemed to be doing okay and were continuing to work. Boundaries were set and both seemed to understand. Once they were married he drastically began to change. He began to control her more and began to become filled with anger. (This has been in the last 1 to 2 months). He can be pleasant and respectful at times, then at other times he can completely lose control, even with me. He continues to talk about his past and how he was involved in a lot of dangerous situations, gangs, etc. which I am just now finding out about. He use to be very quiet and to himself. Now all he does is talk about his violent past constantly. He expects my daughter to do everything he tells her.

    Now for the kicker. She found out 2 weeks ago that she is pregnant. I'm not sure that she will be able to carry this baby because of issues that she has with blood clotting (she is taking lovenox shots daily). We will know more on Wednesday when she has an ultrasound.

    My decision now is to move when my lease is up (which I am wanting to do anyway) and let them make their own way. I can not take his constant anger and not know what is going to set him off. He is bipolar with no medications but he talks constantly like a gangster. I will be there for my daughter but I am also becoming afraid of him and I believe she is too. He becomes so irrational at times. She can be irrational too but I know how to handle her. It's so crazy! I can't live like this!!! I just hope I can make it 2 more months and that I'm doing the right thing. She is not able to work any longer because she is high risk. He will probably be losing his job because of his attitude.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I truly don't know what to do.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Welcome to our sanctuary. There is nothing you tell us that would shock us. We've been through it all.

    It is hard to adopt an older child as I have done it twice. You are fortunate that she has bonded with you. I would be worried about her too if she were mine. But the fact is, you can coax her to maybe lave him, but our grown kids, over eighteen, have to decide to leave on their own. I feel for you...your scared and hurting mommy heart, and then there is the baby.

    Most of us have learned to take a few steps back and detach from the drama in our grown kids lives. This takes time and is a process and we all need to go at our own speed. Remember that in the end your daughter needs to be on her own and that it is not healthy for you or for her to let her problems consume you. You need to remember that you are not her and she is not you and that you can and should have a happy, full, joyful life in spite of your daughters poor choices, which are more common in older adopted kids. All you can do is support her when she makes good choices and detach from her bad choices and drama.

    I would start taking steps to learn when to detach. I'm glad you found us. Others will come along. We are a closeknit group.
  3. lar

    lar New Member

    Thanks MWM for your response and I totally agree that I do not need and cannot afford to let this consume me. I am going to have to be careful about how I handle this but it will be handled. I will be turning in my notice to my complex soon. sister in law's brother came to visit for a couple of days last week without my permission and we discovered last night that he stole my daughter's McDonald's debit card (which has already been stopped) along with her social security card. She called about that this morning. Of course sister in law is hot and really wants to hurt him. Can I just say this has not helped the drama in the house at all!
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, lar. I am glad you found us. I am sort of an emotional mess myself these days, so I can't think what to tell you, other than that helping adult kids can be alot like diving in to save someone who is drowning. We need to keep clear heads, and be very sure not to let the drowning person drag us down with them.

    Ultimately, we are working to know how to detach from their situations altogether. It's so hard to acknowledge that we have no say in what they will do ~ and it's harder still to require them to walk through the consequences of their choices, instead of fixing everything for them.

    It's really so hard.

    This is something Recovering posted to me. I find it very helpful.

    "Yes I am here for you but I am not willing to do anything for you unless you start doing something for yourself."

    In fact lar, if you read Recovering's post to me on the Detachment/Update thread, I think that will help you clarify your thinking, too. It is helping me. She is sharing with us what she went through, and how she thought about what she went through, to enable herself to see it for what it is and put a stop to it.

    Compassion for herself was her first step, lar.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lar, welcome. I'm so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I think you are doing the absolute right thing in moving. You are not responsible for your adult daughter's bad choices.

    First of all, I hope you are getting yourself some support, this is a very challenging road and most often we need help, professional help. There is NAMI, the National alliance on mental illness. They can be accessed online, have chapters everywhere and offer excellent courses for parents which can give you not only support but very good information. I would start there. Therapy, parent groups and 12 step groups help a lot as well. The point is to shift your focus away from the care of your daughter and on to yourself, at this point that alone will change things a lot. We have to learn how to care for ourselves again, to nurture ourselves and make sure OUR needs are met.

    Many of us with adult kids have to learn to detach from them. There is an excellent article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it may help you to clarity what you are going through and give you some strength to continue making good choices for YOU. It's a tough road, no doubt about it, we are weary warriors over here, but with support, with your intention to retrieve your own life and find peace of mind, you can do this.

    Your daughter is not seeking help, she is continuing to make poor choices. Those choices may be due to her mental issues, but as someone on this board, who is bi-polar said, "being bi-polar doesn't give you a pass on personal responsibility." Due to the adoption at a late age, there may be other emotional anomalies present as well. You didn't cause that and you can't control it, only she can do that and she isn't so there is nothing left for you to do but go live your own life. Your daughter's choices trump yours in her life but that doesn't mean you have to pay for them or even stick around and watch them unfold.

    Go ahead with your plan to move and "let them make their own way." I know that's a tough choice to make, I know how it tears at your heart while you think you can still do something else, anything else, but you can't, it's all up to her. Go live your life.............wishing you peace...........
  6. lar

    lar New Member

    Thanks so much for the advice and the reassurance that I am doing the right thing by moving. It is time to put some sanity back in my life which I haven't had a lot of in 14 years. I love my daughter so much and I truly believe that she wouldn't be alive if she hadn't come in to my home, but she is an adult now and also his wife so it's time for me to back away. I'm just so sad and frustrated by the whole situation. He did lose his job yesterday because of his attitude so I'm not feeling real positive about what's going to happen now but that's up to them. Thanks again for the encouraging words and I will find some support in my area so that I can get through this.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Have you given your notice yet, lar?

  8. lar

    lar New Member

    I will be giving my notice around December 15. My lease will be up on February 1. It will be along 2 months but I do have places to go if I need to get away.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are in such an uncomfortable situation. Reading and rereading your post I tried to "brainstorm" with myself and came up empty. IF your daughter was physically healthy I might toss out an idea but that complicates matters. IF your daughter wasn't married to him I might toss out an idea. I will keep my fingers crossed that the relocation takes care of some of the problems. Meanwhile I'm hoping that anything you have of value is safely stored at a different location prior to your move. Other than that ?? it would be great if you had a therapist that both you and she could use to make sure that her future does not include domestic violence. Hugs DDD
  10. lar

    lar New Member

    Just wanted to send a quick update. I went with my daughter for an ultrasound yesterday and everything at this point looks good. Her due date is July 27. I've never been through a pregnancy myself so this will be amazing for me to go through this with her. sister in law chose not to go. I guess my earnest prayer for him is that he quickly hits rock bottom so that he can start his way back up. I know that's what is going to have to happen. He drank a huge bottle of beer this morning before I left for work so I know the alcohol problem is worse than what I thought. Not sure where he got the money to buy it. I'm just looking forward to moving.
  11. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    lar, just wanted to send some positive vibes your way. As for Blood clotting issues and your daughter having to take luvenox, I'm pretty sure she will be fine. I also have a clotting disorder and through my last 2 pregnancies I had to (this is when I actually started finding out about it) inject twice daily with Heparin 50,000 units. More then likely as she gets close to delivery they will stop it or switch it to something else if they feel she absolutely MUST be on something but I strongly suspect they will stop it and monitor her very carefuly. Does she have a paranatologist? They may get her in tough with one of them as the time draws nearer.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    lar, thanks for the update. Have you made it abundantly clear that when you move they are not moving with you? If they have no where to go once you leave, they may put an enormous amount of pressure onto you to continue taking care of them, so be prepared for that. My daughter manages to stay with folks who long ago wanted her to go, but she simply refused. Our difficult child's are master manipulators, so keep that in mind and make it absolutely clear to them that they are not moving with you.
  13. lar

    lar New Member

    Thanks so much Tiapet for that information. Fortunately her Dr. is very knowledgeable about this disorder and we are just very thankful he discovered it. He will be monitoring her very closely.

    Recovering, my biggest concern is that I will feel the pressure of continuing to take care of them. I did make it clear to both of them that I will be moving by myself and it will be up to them to figure out what they are going to do. They need to start looking for low income housing right now. I explained that my sanity depends on this and that I will be a much better grandmother, mother and mother-in-law if I am not living with them. Not sure if they really believe I will do this but that's what's going to happen. I just hope it sinks in soon for them.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    lar, my experience with my own difficult child is that she does NOT hear anything that she doesn't want to hear. She does not prepare, she does not plan and she does not think about the future. So, if you know your daughter to be similar, just saying you are moving alone without them and they need to find low income housing, may not be enough. You may get to moving day and lo and behold, the two of them are crying and drama will ensue and you will be manipulated into doing something you don't want to do. If you can realistically walk away from that drama and let them literally live on the street, then certainly move forward knowing you have the strength to walk away. However, if in the past you have caved and given in, and since past behavior dictates future behavior, you will be in a very uncomfortable situation.

    I am not sure what you can do other then perhaps assist them in finding housing, handing them a list of shelters, giving them boxes to begin packing, forcing them to start putting their belongings in those boxes so your intention is very clear................but I believe the most important thing is that you realize you may be confronted with drama on your way out the door and prepare for that with the resolve that no matter what happens, you are leaving without them. Many of our kids live in a fantasy world with high doses of magical thinking, so your reality may not be theirs. Good luck.
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Holding a good thought for you, lar. It is hard to tell the kids no and stay in a good place with it. But if you can do it, and your daughter and her husband do manage to get out on their own, they will be healthier for it, too. Suggesting that they begin the search for low income housing was a good thing to do. As daughter is pregnant, she should qualify for WIC program and there may be other benefits for them, too.

    Given that the sister in law is drinking in the morning, is there a chance daughter will leave him? Or are they both of the same mindset.

    I enjoyed reading the part about the ultrasound. That had to be fun! We have to take our joy where we can, and that is a happy time. I am glad sister in law was not there to destroy that for you.

  16. lar

    lar New Member

    I just wanted to send a quick update on the situation with my sister in law who will soon be my ex-sister in law. He is now in jail and will probably be spending a few years there. He was picked up Tuesday AM for possession of drugs and was found to be a fugitive from GA and is being held on a $250,000 bond. After going to court here in TN he most likely will be sent back to GA to face felony charges. He got pretty violent on Monday afternoon and was asked by my daughter to not come home that night. He showed up at McDonald's at 1:00 am where daughter has gone back to work, harassed her and was told to leave. They called 911 and filed a report. She called me and told me to call 911 because he was headed my way. I was on the phone with them when he broke my front door. He heard me talking to them and ran. They picked him up Tuesday am.

    I am beyond relieved that he is locked up now and though my daughter has been grieving, she too seems to be quite relieved and wants to move on. I am now finding out that he has quite a violent past. It's unbelievable. (She said that she really knows how to pick them.) We have talked quite a bit about the way she gets in to relationships that are so not healthy. I am just praying that this baby will help her to wise up. This has always been such a problem for her. She just seems to always be drawn to the wrong people

    I knew that something had to give pretty quickly because Saturday night his anger caused her anxiety to go out the roof and she passed out. I went off on him like I never had, called 911 and he left. Yes, he was high that night. I think she realized then that it was pretty much over. I am just praying that we can protect the baby from any contact with him.
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy. Well, at least he's gone now. Sending warm, good thoughts your way that your paths get easier and more comfortable and that your daughter begins to wake up now...........hugs.....
  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I am relieved you sister in law is now where he can't do you or your daughter harm. Blessings and hugs to you both.
  19. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Two things come to mind. 1) I think he qualified for you getting a restraining order against him. Don't assume jail will be a long time. Look into it now. 2) make sure she does not list him as the father on birth certificate.

    sent from mobile phone
  20. lar

    lar New Member

    Thanks busywend and yes, a restraining order is being filed tomorrow and will be served to him in jail. And, he will absolutely not be listed on the birth certificate. We are also going to be following what happens to him for a very long time.