Urgent honest advice needed ASAP...please

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, May 20, 2012.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Sorry, not sure if I can ask on this forum....maybe a bit off topic?
    I had put in a friend request BY ACCIDENT, not even realizing it, to my oldest difficult child sons bio farther!!!!!
    As I was standing in the shop, I got the notice, that he has just confirmed me as a friend! I was shocked...
    Now dont know what to do!? He is a very nice, well educated young man, who didnt want contact with us.....I wouldnt feel comfortable befriending one of my boys bio moms....but he is ok, so I think....
    What's your thoughts? Hubby think I must unfriend again, but the fact that he confirmed me means maybe he would like to know whats going on in ours lifes, and I dont want to be rude or silly to send friend request and then unfriend?
    He got married with a very nice lady a few months ago....dont know if she knows of difficult child.......he doesnt seem to have contact with biomom anymore....
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Any chance he got your request and recognized your name but didn't really remember where he knew you from so doesn't realize that you are raising his bio-son?

    I think I'd unfriend him or at least have no contact unless he initiates it. I wwas going to suggest PMing him and telling him what you just told us, about it being an accident and not being sure if that means he wwants to know about his bio-son, but since he's married and you don't know how much she knows, that could stir up a lot unnecessarily.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    I say unfriend immediately. It could be like klmno said or he could just accept all friend requests. Or he knows who you are and he wants info/contact which in my opinion is not appropriate via facebook. If you have an open adoption, then you probably have set communication schedules. If closed, it should stay closed. Anything can change with a conversation of interested parties, but this kind of change should NOT take place on facebook.
  4. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    I would probably unfriend.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Once you unfriend someone, aren't they aware of that? If you unfriend him and he is aware of it and knows who you are, that seems rude. Perhaps sending him a private message on face book, without revealing who you are in the message, but stating simply that the friend request was actually a mistake, but if he desires more info to please make contact in a different more private way. If you make it simple and don't reveal who you are and he hasn't told his new wife, he can still keep his secret. Others can't read the private messages, but if you make it simple and the wife does read it, he can still wiggle out of it. However, he may really just want some simple info about his bio-son which you could provide in a different forum.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I think that honesty is best since it could affect difficult child later on. I like the idea of letting him know that you sent the friend request by accident--sorry about that, and thank you for being open to the chance to know him. If you feel comfortable with it maybe then explain that having some form of contact is ok with you. But that you and husband are concerned that at this time FB may be a little too public a forum for this particular situation.

    I hate that it is called "unfriend" but Q has a ton of people that I block him from seeing and my understanding is that they then dont know that their posts are not being seen or that we are not sending posts to them (I do the "custom" setting and posts I send out do not go to Q either, but I can see his posts, lol)

    That is an awkward situation, sorry it happened. But it is kind of cool for difficult child that in the future, when the time is right, he is open to some amount of communication.....wow.
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    What recoveringenabler said seems a good, diplomatic way out of the dilemma.
  8. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    When we adopted...he got to know our names....not surnames.....
    On the one hand I feel what harm can be done to be open....but on the other hand it puts alot of unnessasery stress on me....Hubby said maybe leave it a few days then just unfriend? He has so many friends...more than 400! Dont know if he really knows about my request....but I am worried about braking the semi-close adoption contract.....Doesnt matter how you look at this....I feel like a childish fool....I mean...how cheesy can it be for a adopted mom to put a friend request in to a bio dad!!!!! But I also feel uncomfortable to send him a message....then it becomes so personal and putting the spotlight on it? This is why I hate touch screens!!!!! If I unfriend him, will he know?
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You can "hide" a friend too. That way his posts will not show up on your page. But, you can still look at his wall. I have "hidden" a few friends. Mainly because they post so often it is irritating, or they use inappropriate language. No hiding works for me.

    In your situation, I would be honest with a fb message. You must have been looking at his fb page and the friend button must have gotten clicked. I used to check on NSDXDIL (girls biomom) fb page, that way I could see if she was still alive, because I could see if she had posted or had any activity. But then she hid her wall so I can't see anything. She did send a friend request - but we are fb friends with the other two bio children (our granddaughters older brothers) and their stepmoms... and I am afraid that if they think NSDXDIL will see what they post. So I haven't accepted the friend request. I do on occasions forward her photos or links to small videos I put on fb (by way of you tube) so that she can see them perform in plays or recitals. It is hard to be in the middle... KSM
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yes, if you unfriend, he will know...but you can block or hide or whatever it is called and then he can't see your posts but as mentioned, you can still check in on his posts.
  11. keista

    keista New Member

    When you unfriend, the person is NOT notified. If he's got that many friends he may not notice at all and just accepts all requests as a matter of course.

    My friend had the opposite dilemma. The biomom of her adoptee sent her a friend request. Ah NO. Not happening even though they had an open adoption. Pictures and letters once a year was their agreed upon contact. Especially since biomom was and still is a difficult child
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Really? I thought that it posted a thing like when you are friends....something that shows the person.... I never do it but I have had to go to do it for people Q friended and didn't even know. I thought when I looked up all the options that is what it said, but I am NOT super FB savvy .....just enough to get me by....

    EDIT: ok I just looked it up again.....if you unfriend, you are removed from their friend list too so if he notices that then yes he can find out/know. but if he is not paying attention and doesn't even realize who you are...then probably no big deal.

    Hope that helps, you just have to decide what your comfort level is....it does sound like he is someone who has a more public kind of page and probably wouldn't even realize what happened. My gut might still be to just send a PM and if it is awkward to say too much maybe even not go into who you are, just that you accidentally sent it and you apologize for any confusion..... But only you two know the risks that you want to take....darn touch pad!​