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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703028" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>How many times have I felt this way? Too many to count.</p><p> </p><p>I speak with a spiritual director every week that I can. Today I cried and cried. We threw my son out today, and this time when I did I said words I regret, rejecting words.</p><p></p><p>I will summarize here what I learned today. She asked me: <em>What would it feel like to stop fighting? Can you imagine it? To stop fighting for one outcome or another, to just stop. Because what you have now is War. War with your son that can never be won, and war within yourself. Fighting for, and fighting against.</em></p><p></p><p>I responded. <em>Yes, I can imagine that but I am left with some questions</em>. <em>What happens next? I love my son. I want him to be safe, secure, alive, to have purpose and meaning. And, as much as this, I want to have a relationship</em> <em>with him, where I am not overrun by him, or in despair.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>To cede the wanting for him to be a certain way, seems to indicate that I accept him as he is and how he treats us.</em></p><p></p><p>So, she returned to the question: <em>What would it feel like to stop fighting? What would it feel like to let go of an outcome, or the sense that an outcome lies in you or in your control? </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>She, continued:<em> Every one of those beautiful wishes you have for your son, safety, purpose meaning, life...is a prayer.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And then I realized a couple of things: I am trying to control and impose on my son to the same degree or more, than he, on me. If I could give up the fight, the struggle, I would not have to be a loser, and he would no longer have to fight me, to win.</p><p></p><p>We returned to talking about Leonard Cohen, who died last week, and she reminded me that he drew and painted, and on a drawing he had written these words:</p><p></p><p><em>I only wanted one thing. Once I realized that I could never get it; then I wanted everything. </em></p><p></p><p><em>He opened to everything in his life.</em> Every single thing that came his way, he accepted as his heart's desire. By recognizing loss, the thwarting of what he wanted most, he opened to a world and life of infinitely more.</p><p></p><p>So I said: <em>OK. Fine and good. I think I get the concept and I appreciate it. What am I going to do about my son. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>She said: <em>I was listening on the radio how corporal punishment does not work. No surprise, huh? What does work, is time outs.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Well, things were said, that can be ameliorated over time. But each of you had the sense of not being heard. In conflicts, entanglements, when space is opened up, which is really a time out, this gives the possibility for something different to happen. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>But we can do this in ourselves, too. By taking a time out within yourself you can bring your energy back inside of your body. Create for yourself quiet ground. Prayers, blessings are an exercise to do this in a meditative way. To find a calming breath.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>She suggested a couple of ways to do this: For example, in a whisper or my thoughts, to say, <em>may I be blessed with (fill in the blank--ease, peace, safety, protection, happiness.) May my body be strong, heal, rested.</em></p><p></p><p>And in that way transition to my son (or another loved one): <em>May he be happy, healthy, find peace, a loving heart.</em></p><p></p><p>She brought up the distinction between powerlessness and lack of control. And I realized that I conflate the two. Because of my childhood. I have only felt control <u>when I could do something.</u></p><p></p><p>And when I could not, <u>I felt powerless</u>. And that is the situation I find myself in with my child: because I cannot do something to fix the situation or him, I feel powerless. When I am not.</p><p></p><p></p><p>What I need to gain are ways to find peace and power that have nothing to do with what I cannot control. Control was always an illusion. Even self-control is often difficult. Maybe especially difficult.</p><p></p><p><em>The real power in life we have is discerning where we have control, and where we do not. And this is a discernment, not a fight.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Lack of power over him, my son, is a given. I will never ever have it. Nor do I want it. Have I ever had it, at least since he was an adolescent?</em></p><p></p><p><em>Same with you, I think. Can we do this? Walk away from the fight?</em></p><p><em></em>If you were a professional, say a psychiatrist, (maybe you are), with a patient--and the patient was out of control and abusive towards you, would you still insult yourself in this way? Because calling yourself an enabler, and to say you "tolerate abuse" is self-demeaning and self-accusatory.</p><p></p><p>You are a parent. A loving mother, who, no matter what keeps throwing her hat back in the ring, without support from anybody, and trying first one thing and then another to <em>fight</em> for her son.<em> You love him.</em> I would guess this is the great love of your life.</p><p></p><p>Try this with me, would you? Let us try to learn how to not hurt ourselves so much Maybe you are already spiritual, but unfortunately, I have not been. I will try.</p><p></p><p>I will pray that my son find safety. That he find purpose. That he live and thrive. That he mature. That he find love and a peaceful heart.</p><p></p><p>And I will learn to pray for you and I.</p><p></p><p>My son is on the street tonight with neither money nor a sleeping bag or a coat. I put him there. I have a big job ahead of me tonight.</p><p></p><p>I will look for the age requirements for Job Corps and if need be see if I can google another alternative for you. Right now you are doing what you must, as I see it.</p><p></p><p>The only other thing I could think of is, family leave, if finances permit it, and leave the country with him to someplace different and completely making a break. (Angela Lansbury took her kids away from Beverly Hills to Ireland, when they got into drugs.) My son and I lived in Guatemala and then Brasil. I let him do almost anything he wanted and I did my thing. It worked. I put him in school in each country (he is fluent in Spanish and Portuguese now.)</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703028, member: 18958"] How many times have I felt this way? Too many to count. [I] [I][/I][/I] I speak with a spiritual director every week that I can. Today I cried and cried. We threw my son out today, and this time when I did I said words I regret, rejecting words. I will summarize here what I learned today. She asked me: [I]What would it feel like to stop fighting? Can you imagine it? To stop fighting for one outcome or another, to just stop. Because what you have now is War. War with your son that can never be won, and war within yourself. Fighting for, and fighting against.[/I] I responded. [I]Yes, I can imagine that but I am left with some questions[/I]. [I]What happens next? I love my son. I want him to be safe, secure, alive, to have purpose and meaning. And, as much as this, I want to have a relationship[/I] [I]with him, where I am not overrun by him, or in despair. To cede the wanting for him to be a certain way, seems to indicate that I accept him as he is and how he treats us.[/I] So, she returned to the question: [I]What would it feel like to stop fighting? What would it feel like to let go of an outcome, or the sense that an outcome lies in you or in your control? [/I] She, continued:[I] Every one of those beautiful wishes you have for your son, safety, purpose meaning, life...is a prayer. [/I] And then I realized a couple of things: I am trying to control and impose on my son to the same degree or more, than he, on me. If I could give up the fight, the struggle, I would not have to be a loser, and he would no longer have to fight me, to win. We returned to talking about Leonard Cohen, who died last week, and she reminded me that he drew and painted, and on a drawing he had written these words: [I]I only wanted one thing. Once I realized that I could never get it; then I wanted everything. [/I] [I]He opened to everything in his life.[/I] Every single thing that came his way, he accepted as his heart's desire. By recognizing loss, the thwarting of what he wanted most, he opened to a world and life of infinitely more. So I said: [I]OK. Fine and good. I think I get the concept and I appreciate it. What am I going to do about my son. [/I] She said: [I]I was listening on the radio how corporal punishment does not work. No surprise, huh? What does work, is time outs. Well, things were said, that can be ameliorated over time. But each of you had the sense of not being heard. In conflicts, entanglements, when space is opened up, which is really a time out, this gives the possibility for something different to happen. But we can do this in ourselves, too. By taking a time out within yourself you can bring your energy back inside of your body. Create for yourself quiet ground. Prayers, blessings are an exercise to do this in a meditative way. To find a calming breath. [/I] She suggested a couple of ways to do this: For example, in a whisper or my thoughts, to say, [I]may I be blessed with (fill in the blank--ease, peace, safety, protection, happiness.) May my body be strong, heal, rested.[/I] And in that way transition to my son (or another loved one): [I]May he be happy, healthy, find peace, a loving heart.[/I] She brought up the distinction between powerlessness and lack of control. And I realized that I conflate the two. Because of my childhood. I have only felt control [U]when I could do something.[/U] And when I could not, [U]I felt powerless[/U]. And that is the situation I find myself in with my child: because I cannot do something to fix the situation or him, I feel powerless. When I am not. What I need to gain are ways to find peace and power that have nothing to do with what I cannot control. Control was always an illusion. Even self-control is often difficult. Maybe especially difficult. [I]The real power in life we have is discerning where we have control, and where we do not. And this is a discernment, not a fight. Lack of power over him, my son, is a given. I will never ever have it. Nor do I want it. Have I ever had it, at least since he was an adolescent?[/I] [I]Same with you, I think. Can we do this? Walk away from the fight? [/I]If you were a professional, say a psychiatrist, (maybe you are), with a patient--and the patient was out of control and abusive towards you, would you still insult yourself in this way? Because calling yourself an enabler, and to say you "tolerate abuse" is self-demeaning and self-accusatory. You are a parent. A loving mother, who, no matter what keeps throwing her hat back in the ring, without support from anybody, and trying first one thing and then another to [I]fight[/I] for her son.[I] You love him.[/I] I would guess this is the great love of your life. Try this with me, would you? Let us try to learn how to not hurt ourselves so much Maybe you are already spiritual, but unfortunately, I have not been. I will try. I will pray that my son find safety. That he find purpose. That he live and thrive. That he mature. That he find love and a peaceful heart. And I will learn to pray for you and I. My son is on the street tonight with neither money nor a sleeping bag or a coat. I put him there. I have a big job ahead of me tonight. I will look for the age requirements for Job Corps and if need be see if I can google another alternative for you. Right now you are doing what you must, as I see it. The only other thing I could think of is, family leave, if finances permit it, and leave the country with him to someplace different and completely making a break. (Angela Lansbury took her kids away from Beverly Hills to Ireland, when they got into drugs.) My son and I lived in Guatemala and then Brasil. I let him do almost anything he wanted and I did my thing. It worked. I put him in school in each country (he is fluent in Spanish and Portuguese now.) Take care. [I] [/I] [/QUOTE]
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