Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Feb 21, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    We just planned a vacation at the beach in June. Here is the thing - we don't plan on difficult child going. I don't want to bring her drug problem and corresponding bad attitude on vacation with us.
    The last two cruises we went on were horrible - the first one she snuck off the ship with a group of other teens and went to a bar drinking in the Bahamas and the second one she was so miserable and mean that she destroyed the vacation for everyone (we later found out this was while she was doing meth). I swore I would never pay to have a miserable time again.
    Since she made her choice to not get help and be on her own, I certainly don't plan on inviting her to go to the beach with us. I don't want her to even know we are going because I don't need her laying a guilt trip on me about it and I don't want her to know when the house will be empty for a week.
    But part of me feels really guilty about that. I know I shouldn't. But I do.
    Have you gone on vacation with out your difficult child? Did you feel guilty about it?
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yes we did and we had a wonderful time. Last summer we planned a trip to Hawaii for the 4 of us... we were not sure we would end up taking our son so we got travel insurance for him. We ended up kicking him out of the house in June... our trip was planned for August.. We thought we would give him a bit of time to see how he did before we cancelled his piece. By July he had been arrested a couple of time and I could not imagine being in Hawaii and having him get arrested there, then where would be so we told him that given the state of our relationship he could not come with us. That we would love to take him on vacation when things were different. By the time August rolled around he started trying to get his life together and so actually went back to the TBS for the couple of weeks we were in Hawaii and did the work he needed to do to finish his high school diploma. Which made it wonderful for us because then not only was he not with us but I knew he was safe while we were gone. Did I feel guilty... to be honest not really. It was a great trip for us and our daughter. We all needed the time to relax etc. I felt he got himself there. So I totally support you in not taking your daughter. You need a vacation where you get to relax and enjoy yourself.... and you don't need it to be miserable..... I actually wondered when you mentioned the cruise if you and I were on the same cruise.... we took our son on one and he was out all night every night, have no idea what he was doing!! So we too had had a couple of vacations made miserable by him and that is just not worth the time or the money.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    That wasn't even the part that we minded as we knew all the teens hung out together and most times we knew she couldn't get off the ship. It was just that one port and we were napping when she got off - she was supposed to be with another teen and that teen's mother. But that second time - she was sleeping most of the time in the cabin (now I know she must have used before we left because when they crash, they sleep a LOT) and when she was awake she was mean and vicious.

    I wish things were different and she could go. But then I remind myself that she just brought meth in a pipe to my house a couple of weeks ago and that kills the guilt part for me. It's not that I don't want to take her, I don't want to take her drug problem. She is choosing not to get treatment, she has to know that will exclude her from a lot of things. I guess posting this and really thinking about it has made me feel better about my decision. :) I need a vacation and quite frankly, I need a vacation from her drug problem.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't take her, either. Do you have someplace for her to stay while you are gone so that you can leave the house unattended and not worry?
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She is on her own - not living with us. She hasn't really lived with us since October of last year. She spent a little time with us around Christmas and I really think that was to get her loot before she took off again. Far as I know she is couch surfing....
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I would suggest that you call the police and ask them to do extra checks on your house while you are gone. I would not tell her you are going but in case she finds out it would be good for them to be checking on the house.
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    We have neighbors that check on our dogs - they always notify me if there is a car in the driveway or something weird. Thank heavens for good neighbors! But that was my reasoning for not even telling her we are going on a vacation. Unless something drastic changes and she gets treatment and starts living life a normal way, we are keeping it a secret from her and she will not be going. If she should find out somehow - I will calmly tell her that I did not wish to bring her drug problem on another vacation that I paid for. If we brought her, not only would we have to deal with her miserable attitude, she will probably bring drugs with her and we would constantly be worrying about her sneaking out and getting in trouble. No thank you. That is not a vacation.
    Thank you for this board - the more I write about it, the better I feel about my decision!
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    This may sound odd, but my mom was a difficult child-type with major health issues. Grandma always came down during the summer, and the trips Dad and I managed to make without mom along were waaay more enjoyable!
  9. Bean

    Bean Member

    We're planning our first "big" family vacation, and we aren't planning on brining our difficult child. Yeah, I feel... remorse(?) over the fact that she isn't healthy enough to come with. But, I've been on plenty of family getaways that she completely ruined to know that it would be a regretful mistake. The last thing I want to do is to have to try and hunt down my grown daughter in a strange city because she has to get out and support her nightly habit.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tony and I have taken trips with and without the kids. Well, not many actual vacations unless you count the board get-together. Normally we have a grandchild in tow...lmao. The only time we normally take Cory with us is if we are going either to Jamie's or maybe to the beach fishing.

    I found it very odd that my middle son had a conniption fit when I went to Richmond to see my step-mom and Tony and I stayed over night in a hotel just for us. He was really upset with us. We wanted to have a little couples time alone since we so seldom have any just "us" time since we live with my oldest and Cory and Mandy. Well my middle son was ticked off because we didnt drive the hour and a half up to see him and his family even though we were only staying over one night! We went up on Friday and came home on Saturday. Thats as close to a mini vacation as I have had in a long time.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Have you changed the locks/security codes on the house since she left? If not, I would do it before you leave on vacation. And make sure that the neighbors all know she is not to be in the house while you are gone.
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She never had a key to the front door and we did change the locks in the back. I informed my neighbors and they said they would keep an eye out. I am not that concerned. She got into the house the day after I found her pipe and she didn't take anything. She could have wiped us out - seriously. husband's laptop was out on the table like always and it was not touched. That did say a lot to me because certainly the opportunity was there and she didn't do it.

    She did just inform me that she has been living with her boyfriend. Who I didn't even know existed. No other details, though. I certainly asked questions....
  13. AHF

    AHF Member

    I have to add my voice to those who suggest checking on the house. Both of my difficult child's have broken in through windows when they knew I was gone for a few days. I never would have thought they would violate boundaries so flagrantly. The last time, I let the police arrest my son when they showed up and found him drinking up my alcohol in the living room. He had to do community service, and things got ugly for a while, but now I can leave the house pretty much knowing he will not try that again.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There is no reason for a grown child living away from home to expect to go on vacation with their parents. Honestly? There is no reason for a grown child at home to expect to go on vacation with their parents. Go. Enjoy yourselves. No guilt.

  15. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    That is the same exact thing my husband said last night! And he said once easy child is out of the house, same goes for him. Then we will really go on some great vacations!

    Supposedly, difficult child is leaving on Thursday to go to Alabama for a week with her boyfriend to stay with his family. She asked if I would dog-sit for them while they are gone. I was like, what? Huh? Who am I talking to here?? LMAO. It was as if I was having an adult conversation with a normal adult child last night. Very very strange...but she sounded happy and more importantly, sober. But we all know how that goes...
  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My difficult child hasn't gone on a vacation with us since he was probably 17 years old, or younger. he was out of the house at 18 and the only place we used to take him was up to a cabin we owned for a while in VT. for a weekend here or there, and it was enjoyable because there was nowhere even close enough for him to walk to and he just sat outside in the yard and played with the bonfire all day and played with his bb gun out in the woods, so it was the only place I didn't worry about him getting in trouble. I would never ever even consider bringing him on any type of family vacation with me now and I don't feel guilty about it. Right now where I love there is only one door to get in, with a dead bolt on it, so I'm not nervous about letting him know I'm gone, but when I lived at the house before my divorce I always worried he was going to find a way in while we were gone and I know he did a few times.

    It stinks we can't even go on vacation without having to worry about what they will do while we are gone, never mind if they are with us!!
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Our difficult child is 98% on her own and lives in a tiny apartment in a rough area. There are MANY problems.

    What we do (for what its worth) is give difficult child a gc to the food store right before we leave. This is not totally in line with our detachment policy....but it is a present we give to ourselves. So, right before we leave we hand her the gc and say that we just wanted to make sure she had food in case she had any unusual difficulties/ and or emergencies during our absense. Then, I have a friend who is well informed of our situation watch the dog and our house. She knows not to let difficult child in...regardless of any stories difficult child might give her.

    I would not hesitate to call the police and have them watch our house as well, but so far it has not be necessary. We do not tell her exactly when we are leaving or exactly when we are coming back. If she calls and cries that she is out of food money we simply and calmly say that she was given extra food money prior to us leaving and that it is "ashame," that she wasn't able to budget herself apropriately. This only happened once or twice at the beginning....not anymore.

    Oh...and we only tell her a day or two before that we are going on a vacation (she has no idea) and we give her the gc about 1/2 day before.

    We still monitor her medications and make sure she has medications for the period of time that we are out of town. If she calls that she has lost them...well, that is just too bad. We don't worry about it in the least.

    As a general precaution, I had a lock put on my bedroom door years ago, and when I go on vacation, I lock up my bedroom. The house is alarmed.

    We have no guilt, etc.

    So glad that you made the decision to go with-o your difficult child. Hope it is a great vacation.
  18. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    We own a house down the shore and sometimes I don't want to take difficult child and he is only 10 so he has to come ... LOL