Vent: Messy house, oblivious Hubby, and pain...

[KTMom91]

My house is a freakin' pigsty. It got completely out of control last year, when I had surgery three times, and I can't seem to get caught up. I can't find things, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to sort and organize, someone comes through and creates a pile that mixes everything back together. Part of the problem is that we have no room for storing things that aren't used very often, so they're in the middle of the floor so I can trip over them regularly.

My hands hurt. It hurts to do dishes. It hurts to fold clothes. It hurts to put clothes on the line, and to take them off the line. I've been asking both Hubby and Miss KT for two weeks to wash the glass mixing bowls stacked on the counter, because I'm afraid I'll drop them. I just washed them myself. I managed to sort out two of Hubby's T-shirt drawers, filling a bag for Goodwill, and he wants to keep them so he can work on the car. We have NO room to keep a lot of stuff like this. And then, the clothes that I didn't get to, because my hands were hurting? Are tossed back in the laundry basket, so I can sort them out again, and hopefully find a place to put them before someone else looks for something and unfolds everything. There's a basket sitting in the living room, too, full of clean clothes.

I'm trying to put away groceries, and didn't notice Hubby had set two bottles of wine in front of the freezer door. When I pulled open the freezer, I got hit with both bottles. Hard. Right on my big toe. The kitchen has stacks of junk, one end of the living room is unusable, and Hubby's solution is to buy plastic bins and fill them up. Does the junk just disappear if we can't see it? I can't lift the bins because they're heavy and they're stacked too high, and apparently I'm asking for help in Chinese or something because NOBODY listens.

It's nearly 10 pm, and it's still 93 degrees. I hate the heat. Swamp coolers don't work well when it's this hot. I hurt. I'm exhausted. I'm ticked off.

Thanks for listening.

 

[JJJ]

I finally just started tossing stuff out and giving things away. Once husband and the kids saw I was serious about it being put away or it was fair game for the trash, I finally got some help. It's rough with being in pain. Maybe just pick one room and clean it out bit by bit, then move onto the next room. Do you have a niece or a friend that might want to help?

 

[flutterby]

What JJJ said. Either they figure out what to do with it, or you will. And they might not like it.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry. I totally understand. I slept for a couple of days because I really overdid it when we took Jess to the doctor because we wanted to do something for Fathers Day also. husband took the kids to a reunion at his Dad's house on Sat. I specifically told each of them that they HAD to pick up the living room before they left. Even left a note so husband wouldn't "forget". I walked into the living room and there was NO floor. It was totally covered with books, plates, tissues from a garbage bag that the cat attacked (while they were home), and general junk. I was hurting bad so I turned around and just stayed in my room.

Have you tried giving them lists?

I also do not CARE if they want to "keep" something for a later project. It never gets done so why bother? I just wait until they are watching tv and throw it out anyway. My husband is pretty used to it, He REFUSES to EVER pick up something that is not strictly his. Things that are for the family are ignored by him. Even if he is the one who decided we needed it. He started that nonsense about ten years ago so I told him that if it bugged me I was getting rid of it - even if was "his". It doesn't seem to bother him, even when I go through his drawers. The whole thing drives me crazy.

Have you found any braces that help? I sometimes have luck with them. Can you use either lidocaine cream or Lidoderm patches? They are lidocaine patches and can help. You will have a hard time getting them to stick to your hands when you are doing stuff, but you could use them when your hands are still for some relief. They are by prescription.. They could also help with many other aches and pains. A friend of mine swore by the capsaicin cream when her carpal tunnel acted up. If you use it be SURE not to touch your eyes or nose. She used to put gloves on and pull them up just enough to let her wrists show before she put the cream on. Then her fingers stayed out of contact with the cream.

Whatever else happens, I hope you get some relief from the pain soon. If you cannot afford an appointment, don't hesitate to call your doctor and tell them you are doing a lot worse and cannot afford an office visit, but can they rx something to help with the pain? I know my docs usually are very understanding.

Many hugs.

 

[Fran]

Mary, when I get that overwhelmed, I feel like I'm suffocating. Extreme heat is really a magnifier. Hugs.
I try to start at one spot but I know it frustrates me because my husband and difficult child are absentminded messy. So
I appreciate how frustrated you are. I don't even have pain and I get to the point of tears somedays.
I explained to husband years ago, "imagine you worked on a project all day and I came in and wiped the desk
clean and put everything in the trash. You had to redo that project everyday. I threw it away everyday"
It devalues the work I do and shows disrespect for our house. He is still messy and absent minded but
he tries and he doesn't get upset if I am upset.
Hope today is cooler.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Hugs}}} to you. I understand. Both husband and Duckie are messy and careless too. My advice: Find a space that is yours and defend it with all your being. I have two. My closet and my the top of my dresser. Both know I will flip if anything is put there. My husband has an office, Duckie has a bedroom. husband and I share a bedroom. So now I make a big deal of throwing their stuff in their space. And I mean throw!

My husband, especially, had to learn that messiness is a big deal to me even if he couldn't care less. I have the right to a living space that I can tolerate. And, they both need to pitch in when I hurt. Neither did a thing when I hurt my back and I'm still digging out. It took me threatening to get rid of our pets because of the fur for them to vacuum or dust. It was too late by then. Your two are both adults and they need to step up but they won't if they think it's not a big deal. Make it a big deal! Then figure out a way to get a shed and some rubbermaid totes to store some stuff.

I hope it cools down quickly.

 

[AnnieO]

I just started throwing things out. If they were in my way? Picked 'em up, into the garbage.

Going on 2 weeks of reasonable house now. Semi scary...

 

[witzend]

Get out the garbage can. Put things in the trunk of a car. And if there was ever anyone who offered you "If you ever need any help let me know"? Let them know that you need help. If they meant it, they'll help you out.

 

[gcvmom]

Mary, I've struggled with similar stuff. I have a good friend whose home could be described the same way, with a spouse with similar issues (actually, I'm pretty sure he's a compulsive hoarder and she's about one step away herself).

My own husband is not so good at seeing the the big picture, either. I could ask him to "clean" a room, and his idea is to just stack the clutter. I've found that I have to be VERY specific... explicit in my request. Like "Can you please vacuum THIS rug for me?" "Would you please run a wash load of TOWELS and be careful not to OVERFILL the washer?" "Please wash THIS dish." "Please remember to trim the EDGE of the yard BEFORE you mow."

It's aggravating to say the least, but it's just a different communication style I've had to develop since he's clearly not intuitive.

That said, your situation is probably going to have to be tackled in small steps in small areas. I'd start with an area in the kitchen first and go from there -- the countertop would be a good place to start, because it is such a visually large space. (My grandmother always said the first thing to start on when my bedroom was a mess was to make the bed because it takes up such a big area and when it's tidy it makes the rest of the room look a lot less messy, but it's a fairly simple thing to accomplish). Ask husband and KT to take on a specific task that you cannot do. Explain that you really NEED their help to get this done. I'll bet that they are equally overwhelmed by the chaos they see, it just doesn't irritate them like it does for you because they aren't dealing with the pain on top of the heat on top of everything else. If you have a willing friend who can come over and help, that's even better -- it's much easier to deal with someone else's chaos than our own because we have no emotional attachment to the space.

One more thing I thought might help you feel better... when you just can't take another second in that place, take a good book and go to the air-conditioned library or the mall for a few hours.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Shari]

Mary, I so hear you. The payoff for getting to enjoy riding more often so far this summer is swollen knees and a worse-than-usual house. It drives me batty. I'm sorry you are dealing with it, too.

I'm going to steal Fran's line. Witz has a pretty ingenious idea, too. If we ever get stuck dealing with the mountains in the broom closet, that's what I'm doing...

 

[Marcie Mac]

I can totally sympathize with you. Since I work from home, my house being a mess is the ultimate in distraction and puts my ADHD into overdrive - it didn't bother as much when I was going out to an office every day. SO knows when I am on "stuff everywhere" overload as piles start appearing - swept the floor, but didn't get the dustpan as something else caught my attentiion, like dishes which I put in hot soapy water in the sink,, but now I spy a towel, so am running around gathering them up, get them in the washer, and notice some boxes in the garage that need to be broken down, so I do that, put them in a pile, then the office phone rings so I head to my desk, handle what I need to, and start on the merry go round again. Its not a total mess, but just little stuff that I find so distracting.

SO, since he has been helping his friend clean out storage units, isn't helping the situation cause he keeps bringing home more "stuff" He brought me a wooden ironing board with a lambskin cover the other day cause he thought I would like it. Mmm,,,I have an ironing board - and other than ironing a shirt for the boys once in a blue moon, never use it. Yeah, he says, I know, but this one is like from the 30's or something. Its still sitting in the garage, along with the new treadmill he brought me. Cept he had brought me one months ago, and I have yet to use that one, They are both sitting next to a brand new unused tire for a Chevy pickup -its a rare size, he says. Ok, SO, we own a Ford, and we are keeping this tire why again?

Now that I have gotten older, find myself getting rid of a lot of "stuff" I don't use - so much less to clean and dust. So rarely any stuff around from me, but think I have developed a case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) cause if there is even a dish in the sink, it will bug me till its washed and put away. The boys looking at their mail then leaving it on the counter makes me nuts.

Marcie

 

[Wiped Out]

I have a friend who will tell her children once or twice to pick things up (not sure if it's once or twice). Then she picks it up and throws it away. She means business. I believe she once threw out a Gameboy The kids learned and there is rarely anything on the floor(or tables, counters, etc) in her house.

I am sorry things are so crummy right now. I hope your temps cool down and your hand feels better soon. Hugs.

 

[DaisyFace]

KTMom--

First, gentle ((((hugs))))...

Second, I think you really need to get into your husband's face about this one. Sometimes, the more blunt you are, the better.

During our recent move, I really overdid it and I actually hurt myself. Nothing too serious, but I had strained my muscles and needed to take it easy for a few days.

Well, we had things packed in bins that were waaayyyy too heavy for me...especially when I was trying to "take it easy"...but husband just left them in my way. I asked him a couple times for help with the bins, but my request went in one ear and out the other. The binds sat and sat.

I finally had to grab both his shoulders, look him straight in the eyes and say "These bins are too heavy for me--can you please lift them and put them away?".

And then, finally realizing that I really did need his help, husband took are of it right away.

You may need to take your family members by the shoulders, too!

 

[AnnieO]

Jett has about 4 billion of those little green army men.

I told him - ONCE - if I ever stepped on one again, I was throwing it out.

I rarely see them out anymore. I did find one under the seat in my car... Heaven knows how long it was there!

He also has a bunch of the Stormtrooper Clone figures... Told him if he left them out, they were mine. He gets them back after 2 weeks of EXCELLENT behavior. (At $6 a pop...) Well, I have over 2o of them right now...

I will throw things out if they are left out. Hard to do with husband though - hard to tell what might affect ME, too!

 

[KTMom91]

Spent the day at church, helping set up for VBS this evening. It was 108 today. Left church, rushed home to change, tore the baskets of clothes apart looking for my blue tank top, because there was NO WAY I was going to wear the VBS shirt tonight. Got frustrated, melted down, finally found the shirt in the washer. Miss KT had done a load of laundry and hadn't bothered to hang it out. Took my shirt outside, where it dried in about 15 minutes.

Got home about an hour ago. It's still over 90 degrees. Miss KT did hang the laundry out, after I asked her to, but I suspect it's still outside. It's too doggone hot to go get it right now.

 

[timer lady]

My house, let me rephrase that, the upstairs of my house was buried in tweedle & husband junk. I gave up a long time ago & put up enter at your own risk signs. I'm serious about that.

I defended the common areas with all my might - even in the midst of my illness. The living/dining rooms, kitchen & bathrooms would remain clean or I'd know the reason why. I could be very witchy about this. Saying that, after husband died my family came to help organize before the remodel I had to do & we filled 3 30 yard dumpsters with junk from the upstairs alone. The rest of wm's stuff, a great deal of kt's stuff & an enormous collection of old computer equipment that husband had collected over the past 20 some years. I paid an enormous amount of money to dispose of all those monitors, cpus, etc.

It was cleansing & bittersweet at the same time. I can now walk safely upstairs should I need to venture up there. The basement was cleaned from all the junk the kids would hide down there so I wouldn't throw it out. I can now walk safely down there as well.

Now it's your health; if your family cannot make choices then you must. Call in 1 800 Got Junk. You'd be amazed at what they can/will do. They will recycle, donate & dispose of whatever you want out of your house. Give husband & ms. kt a week's notice & have them come in. It's a very cool service.

Now get your things in order, relax in the heat. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[trinityroyal]

Mary, Linda's post reminded me of something...

Years ago, when husband and I first got together and had 2 houses worth of stuff to consolidate, I hired a yard sale company. They sorted, tagged and organized everything and took care of the sale. I didn't have to pay them anything, as they took a percentage of the yard sale proceeds as their fee. Anything that was left over from the yard sale that we didn't want to keep, they took away and donated to charity.

I don't know if there's anything similar in your area, but it's worth looking into, especially as you won't be out of pocket.

Trinity