Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by helpme, Oct 14, 2009.

  1. helpme

    helpme New Member

    I am brand new here, but I am so pleasantly surprised to find a
    support group that fits my needs :)

    Right now I am struggling with difficult child 1. Let's see, here are SOME OF his
    current criminal charges:

    2 counts of burglary
    violation of Order of Protection..(cont...later in post)
    Assault with a weapon/no firearm
    State property vandalism,
    State property trespassing,
    Evading a police officer,
    Theft/illegal possession over $300
    Illegal consumption while driving,
    Sexual assault/battery >5 but between 13 and not yet 17
    -> a misdemeanor charge if you can believe that one!
    -->I call it gang rape since multiple young boys were charged.
    endless list of speeding over 20,25,& 30 mph over speed limits
    No insurance ticket as a passenger in his own car
    Missing driver's license plates on last vehicle impounded

    Oh sure besides that I'm forgetting so much more, of course I left
    out his juvenile record that was sealed at 17and protected from even
    me, his BM herself!

    By the time we add in the social problems(fighting and stabbings etc),
    personal relationship problems (girlfriend issues, stalking, etc)
    drug addictions and complete alcoholic tendancies, ETC ETC ETC
    we are seeing with a pretty big issue (warrants, conflicts, lawyers, courts)
    nearly every day.

    He did co-op for a school year at Steak N Shake. He did get certified
    in all stations there. Consist 2 week suspensions for such things as
    threatening others with a paint ball gun, vandalism, fighting, and stealing,
    besides laziness and all, he is still attending an alternative school.

    He is now a club promoter for a 18+ nightclub downtown. He has
    pictures all over his net pages of him drinking and some drugging,
    and the tattoos and tongue piercings. Daily drinking and nearly
    daily drugging.

    The last ordeal that I still don't know why he was in county was just
    two days ago. It takes me a bit to discover what happened because
    our judicial system records are a bit delayed.

    Just last Friday was the gang rape ordeal. Of course he asked me for
    the 1,000 to get out of jail and I never had to say no, because PGM
    gave his dad the money. <guess she forgot to pay her own son's child
    support tho totaling $xx,xxx (i hate to see it in print), or to foresee
    the lawyer bills involved, reported as of Dec 08 totaling $73,000.

    I'll skip the "dad/denial" post for now. Because I'm sure I'll be pretty
    ****** after I call him later tonight. I'll also skip the OMG what are
    you letting our 17yo daughter do? I'll post later on the youngest's case
    evaluation I am requesting next week at the school.

    To my defense, I did not allow this behavior. I would not tolerate it.
    I stopped tolerating it when it was explained to me in Nov 07 that
    my son was being charged with aggravated domestic battery against
    his sister, and there was nothing I could do about that. <I did do
    a lot, but it was repairing the damage and educating my daughters>

    Yep, in March of 09 the judge ordered a two year RO against my son,
    for me and my 2 daughters, after numerous civil no contact orders,
    and a very long temporary order. I still pursued counseling for the
    child as a remedy which was court ordered but of course "their" dad
    said it was unnecessary.

    I've did everything in my power to prevent him getting his DL, and
    succeeded until he was 17. I never bought a car nor the insurance
    to get into all of this trouble. I never bailed him out and I repeatedly
    applied as indigent or gave notarized statements denying any payments
    to lawyers due to that fact that I held custody.

    I did 4 years of IEP (his started at 2). His father ended all services
    because his son wasn't retarded. There went any chances of him continuing
    the sports programs, which he later disqualified for due to code of

    I did not put the child up in his own apartment (because father suddenly
    started the same denial behavior with daughter and was hiding HER
    criminal charges and allowing the same behaviors while she was in my
    physical custody-thus can't have your 2 kids in your home together
    with a RO between the two). Of course even his mother denied taking
    full custody from me of either child at that time, to prevent such a
    terrible decision for all.

    I did not out and buy a car at my work in the child's name. I did not
    let the dealerships be unaware that a crazy kid was driving dealer cars
    around without insurance. I did not assist with any auto insurance
    and closing costs and taxes. I didn't risk others safety because of my son's
    behavior. I screamed loudly to anyone who would listen that the
    child needed medical attention- "harmful to himself and other".
    I filed police reports over and over again to provide the
    documentation for EVERYONE involved.

    I've known these problems existed from birth, but I can't get his father
    to see his son for who he is, or the consequences on the girls, let
    alone practicing proper parenting. Its hard to discipline a child when
    the father is allowing and permitting and enabling the bad behaviors.
    Its hard to teach consequences when the child has never seen ANY.

    Yep, still grieving, continuing to practice detachment, continuing to
    educate and attempting to make his father understand "enabling".

    And preparing for the damages this idiotic father will permit his
    middle daughter to achieve. And protecting the youngest who
    hasn't seen her brother in nearly two years, and father in almost
    a year.

    I know it will never end. It's a roller coaster for life.
    Thanks tons for listening.
  2. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    After reading all of the things your son has gotten into, I'm surprised you're still standing! And that doesn't include his juvenile record?! It sounds like you've done everything within your power to try and stop your son, and then some. I think your son's father is setting your son up to spend the rest of his life in prison by letting him get away with his behavior, and right now that sounds like the safest place for him to be--for everyone's sake. I've heard of parents being in denial, but this guy is unreal. I hope your older daughter doesn't follow in her brother's footsteps, and that you're able to keep protecting your younger daughter. I'm sorry because I know that even with all he's done, he's still your son, and this has to be hard for you. I hope something will get his attention--very soon.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW! It sure sounds like you need the support you will find here. welcome!

    I am sorry things are so difficult with your kids. I am sure your older daughter may have figured if difficult child can do it why can't I? That can be a big problem when you have a difficult child and younger kids.

    Whatever happens, be nice to yourself.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Aw, I feel so bad for you. Look, if you want some great REAL TIME support, join Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (people who have family members who are alcoholics/drug addicts...many turn to criminal behavior). There are some really good people who understand in those groups.

    Meanwhile, welcome to the board, but sorry you have to be here. You may want to check out the Parent Emeritus forum for kids over 18. He's close enough with similar problems.