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Parent Emeritus
Venting, updating, just very conflicted right now.
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 640113" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Lil,</p><p></p><p>like Cedar, I see that line as manipulation. He is softening you up by flattering you, trying to invoke the "you'd do anything for me, mom, right"? side of you. Much more clever than being pathetic or critical.</p><p></p><p>Lil,</p><p></p><p>we have all been where you are. Missing our kids in their former selves, sure that that kid lives in there somewhere. Some one...was it you, Cedar? Actually threw out the picture she had of her son as a child...because seeing it was befuddling, obfuscating the truth. The truth is...he is who he is today. The one you describe. </p><p></p><p></p><p> </p><p>This is who he is now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This one can't come home because he doesn't exist anymore. You can mourn him, but you can't reincarnate him. I'm sorry. I wish you could. I wish I could bring my talented drummer loving sweet self-soothing boy back too, but I cannot. </p><p></p><p>Just try to be with what is. Try to stop fighting it. Try to allow it..that is the practice my meditation teacher encourages...allowing..not even going as far as accepting...just...letting what is be. Let him be as he is. Let your sorrow be what it is. Allow things to be as they are. </p><p></p><p>My other beacon, Thich Nhat Hahn, says "we suffer less when we learn to suffer well." and, with some humor, he adds that there is no dearth of opportunity to practice. Fighting back, raging against the dark, those things only make you suffer more...AND THEY DON"T HELP YOUR SON.</p><p></p><p>We know what will happen if he comes home, right? He will be sweet for...how long? Not very, probably. Soon he will be cursing and complaining. He will make the house a place of stress. He will break a rule, or two. And...you must know this...he WILL steal from you. </p><p></p><p>How will this have helped him?</p><p></p><p>You are in a hard place. So is your husband. So is difficult child. You each have your own path. My hope for you is that some of your very very legitimate distress can ease as you let go of trying to fix things for him.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you today, and over the weekend. As always, we support you in whatever you choose to do.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 640113, member: 17269"] Lil, like Cedar, I see that line as manipulation. He is softening you up by flattering you, trying to invoke the "you'd do anything for me, mom, right"? side of you. Much more clever than being pathetic or critical. Lil, we have all been where you are. Missing our kids in their former selves, sure that that kid lives in there somewhere. Some one...was it you, Cedar? Actually threw out the picture she had of her son as a child...because seeing it was befuddling, obfuscating the truth. The truth is...he is who he is today. The one you describe. This is who he is now. This one can't come home because he doesn't exist anymore. You can mourn him, but you can't reincarnate him. I'm sorry. I wish you could. I wish I could bring my talented drummer loving sweet self-soothing boy back too, but I cannot. Just try to be with what is. Try to stop fighting it. Try to allow it..that is the practice my meditation teacher encourages...allowing..not even going as far as accepting...just...letting what is be. Let him be as he is. Let your sorrow be what it is. Allow things to be as they are. My other beacon, Thich Nhat Hahn, says "we suffer less when we learn to suffer well." and, with some humor, he adds that there is no dearth of opportunity to practice. Fighting back, raging against the dark, those things only make you suffer more...AND THEY DON"T HELP YOUR SON. We know what will happen if he comes home, right? He will be sweet for...how long? Not very, probably. Soon he will be cursing and complaining. He will make the house a place of stress. He will break a rule, or two. And...you must know this...he WILL steal from you. How will this have helped him? You are in a hard place. So is your husband. So is difficult child. You each have your own path. My hope for you is that some of your very very legitimate distress can ease as you let go of trying to fix things for him. Hugs to you today, and over the weekend. As always, we support you in whatever you choose to do. Echo [/QUOTE]
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