Venting, VERY long!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Mar 27, 2009.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    This may be long, just a warning. My family has an usual living situation. I own a home, but rent it out as we cannot afford to live in it due to medical and credit costs. My family lives in my mom's home with my sister, and my mom lives with my grandfather (her father) taking care of him. My estranged brother has a son whom my mom wants to stay in contact with, that makes sense. So once or twice a month I go stay with my grandfather so T and gma can come here to sleep. Seemed work fine. Then I had to take on more work and stay the night every Wednesday with an elderly lady. This is in addition to the 35 hrs I work else where and going to school part time. I also live with 2 bipolar people who depend on me more than I like.

    This term in school they are offering the class I have waited all year to take. Abnormal psychology. How could I not be interested in that ? The problem is that it is an evening class. I hate that, my family hates it. So I will have class Monday and Wednesday evenings(go straight from class to work on Wednesday) and then when T comes over I will be gone on Tuesday. With husband not doing well, this seems a recipe for disaster. T is a bit of a difficult child in his own right. He is a brat. He yells, is rude to adults, and thinks it is cute. My mom favors him as she feels bad for him as he was abused by my brothers ex girlfriend when T was 2yrs old. I can understand that, but he is 8 now. He needs some rules and it is not fair when he is over he has a completely different set of rules. My kids do not even like their cousin (the only one they know) as they see how he gets treated different. T tries to get difficult child in trouble, and husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place as I am gone when it happens and what guy does not have a problem addressing these kinds of issues with their mother in law?

    My sister does nothing to help mom care for grandfather. I got to md appts with them and fill his medication minder. I think she needs to step up to the plate, but gfather does not really like her as she is depressed(no health insurance means no treatment) and is very self centered. I think my mom is getting over stressed, (I love her but she cannot handle stress well) and that she needs to get some help and she needs to see her doctor and see about medication. She has always been this way, but now she is getting very critical.

    I am going to talk to my mom about this but am not looking forward to it. She thinks I am too hard on my sister, but give me a break. She works part time and goes to school. No kids, nothing.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think you most certainly need to talk to Mom. She needs a break. You both could use some much needed help. And sis, whether in treatment or not, can manage to pitch in without it killing her.

    I was 16 when I helped my Mom care for my dying grandmother at home. It was hard work mentally, physically, and emotionally. Enough so that I don't plan to ever repeat the experience. Fortunately for my Mom, one of the aunts would stop by at least once a week for her to get out of the house and just do something fun for a break. Sometimes my sister would take one of my evening shifts so I could get out and get away for awhile.

    You and Mom need help. Both of you are doing your part. Nothing wrong with asking sis to step up to the plate and give you a hand.

    Although since Mom may be touchy on the subject.......word what you say carefully, think about it before you approach her.

    I carry the load with mother in law. But even so, easy child jumps in to help as much as possible, as does Nichole. I've even begun delegating to husband. With the new quarter starting monday, all will find themselves with delegated tasks. I simply can't be everywhere at once, nor do everything myself. my girls see the stress mounting on me.......they find ways to help me releave it. easy child had a bbq tonight (so no cooking for me) and Darrin treated Nana to a night at the movies. Little things, but when you're overloaded like this......they sure mean a LOT!

    Good Luck

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    An idea - I would be keeping T and difficult child apart, at all costs. So if at all remotely possible, can you arrange to take difficult child with you when you are away from home and T is at your place? For example, have him stay overnight with you when you stay with the elderly lady, for example. We take difficult child 3 with us whenever we go away, even at family events which are otherwise "no kids" because as I have told my family, we're currently a package deal with difficult child 3. On his own away from other kids, he's fine and can actually be a good help. At worst he sits playing his computer game. Most of the time he is content to be left at home on his own (he IS 15 now) but he has come with me to meetings etc and even done his homework while I do my thing. Talk to the person running the course that you want to do (maybe even half-jokingly suggest that difficult child could be "Exhibit A") and see if it would be OK for you to bring difficult child to the class, sitting quietly in a corner for example.

    If you try to build in as many alternatives as you can, then you have fall-backs in the event wheels fall off. For example, it's all very well to say your sister should step up to the plate and help out, but depression really can be crippling, as can self-absorption. You could set up something that seems perfectly acceptable and effective, only to find sis doesn't hold up her end of the bargain and drops everyone in it at the last minute. So build in a good back-up plan.

    I'm not saying, don't ask your sister. Just be prepared for her to dump you in it at the last minute - such people do, it's part of the "It's all about me" syndrome. She may surprise you and come through well, give her a chance. But if at the last minute she's feeling too blah to turn up, then you need to be able to carry on. That way it shouldn't stress people too much.

    And keeping difficult child and his cousin apart - probably the best thing for everybody.

    Your mother sounds like she's trying to fix everything for everybody, and this risks causing more problems for everyone if things don't work out exactly. She also risks being an enabler, with your sis, with your nephew, with everyone. So don't get caught up in turning into your mother, either. In other words - if you want to do this course, do it. Find a way to do it, without having to worry about what is going to happen when you're not around to referee.

    Good luck.

  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think what I will do, is suggest that gfather hire an agency to come in a few times a week. He can afford this, and it would greatly help.Then they can clean, cook and whatever.

    Mom has some very codependent tendencies, she is working on it. She goes to alanon, but her weak spot is T. T lives with his mom, step dad, step bro and mom is pregnant again (step bro less than 1yr) due pretty soon now. They are not mean people, but they are different. Ignorant and proud of it. It is rubbing off on T. How could it not?

    I really do try to keep T and difficult child apart, but it is hard because when he stays the night, I go stay with gfather and mom stays with my family. T idolizes difficult child, and difficult child is nice to him for the most part, but difficult child does not like him. T pretty much an only child, his 1/2 brother is under 1yr old. You don't have to share much with a baby. T does not share well, grabs toys, and whines.

    I feel so much better after posting this, I had to get it off my chest before I popped. I think I need to go back to therapy (like I really need one more thing to do?) and have some reccomendations from difficult child's therapist. The last gal I saw was very nice, but she seemed more overwhelmed with my life than I did. Did not inspire much confidence.