Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 18, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    not venting about difficult child's this time. i'Tourette's Syndrome been long weekend for sure deaing with little one and being sick. today we have 5 of them, lucky me. so he boyfriend made dinner and then fell asleep on chair while i proceeded to do dinner dishes and clean entire kitchen up. am i ****** yup id' say so. def. aggrivated. if i'm well i usually do it. but wow wouldn't it have been thoughtful had he cooked and when he saw me cleaning said honey stop i'll do it your still not totally ok yet. one can only dream?? see this is the stuff that kept me single to be quite honest.

    earlier today he said he's upset because iv'e been so nasty to him. that i'm not happy at midnight when he comes home. he owns restaruant so late hours. i siad well i'm sorry if i've been nasty and i'm sure i have been yet midnight is hard to be happy with all this going on. he said well if you wanna sleep and that's how it's going to be fine, but if your oging to wait up for me you gotta be nice to me you attack me everynight over something i'm afriad to come home.

    can i be this way sure i can i've already been dealing with little difficult child for hours not sleeping, older one cleaned house been sick yup i'm no good now. so i said well here's the deal unti li get better i'm just not going to wait up for you. i'm tired nd need my sleep he said ok fine. then whie dinner was in oven he gets texts he is the texting man by the way that's how we almost split up in very beginning. he was texting some other woman very early on in our relationshp that he'd known for 18 years plus was only a friend which is true yet he has other feelings which he admitted to and they were flirting via text how do i know i checked his phone because i suspected something and there it was text after text wtih the two of them flirting away.

    i almost walked that was mos. ago he apologized and said he'd never do it again how wrong it was how maybe he was just afraid so much so soon with us etc. i said ok it happened two other times after he said he'd ended whatever strange thing occured. so i put it on the line and said that's it i'm done. then all of a sudden all texting ceased his supposed friend contacted me actually to say how sorry she was and that they really were only friends and texting that way was very wrong.

    so ever since that happened i'm cautious and on guard. just to give you back up info.
    so today we're sitting there some girl in rest. was having issue today's his day off with new mgr. and she text him. to begin with odd to me that a waitress would be texting owner of rest. yet thats how he is with his staff he lends them money has driven boys that work there home has given neighbors jobs, etc. he's way too good to them.

    so anyway this girl sent him text he was hesitant to open it up infront ofme until i said wha'Tourette's Syndrome the problem open your phone we were sitting together on couch. he opend it and the text read "ok honey .........blah, blah, blah about whatever situation i guess was going on at store.

    i siad honey? she calls you honey? wow that's surprising is that how you deal with your staff or rather is that how you speak to your female waitresses? he said no not at all i made her feel better after situation wtih manager so i gues she called me honey.
    so you know what i was a bit ****** to be quite honest. he said your being immature people in the rest. business talk taht way it's not a big deal.

    i said i think it's strange that you not only text waitresses that work for you and that they call you honey. i said that's just weird.

    so he got so ****** at me for bringing it up 3 times he yelled at me and said enough is enough ever since i did what i did you are on me like a hawk with everything. i said well it's called im watching you, you did what you did you lied and so now your going to be watched for a while until i know i can totally trust you again it takes time.

    so anyway that was my aggrivatoin today which was needed. him calling me immature didn't fit at least i don't think so. he said your almost 40 years old listen to you.

    i said you are 40 why would you handle yoruself in such an immature manner with a waitress?

    ok so i'm better now thanks for letting me vent. ihope its' ok i vented about boyfriend and not about difficult child but had to get it out.

    i'm sure you guys will tell me what you think i hope you do actually. i do admit my emotions run crappy at end of night i've had long day. i said you can't expect me to be bouncing off wall at end fo day. he said i just want yout o be nice to me is all.


    and yes i'm pmsing too. ontop of pnuemonnia

  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are having such a rough time. It is tough to be nice after a long day, especially with pneumonia.

    Take care of yourself.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks. i'm at the point where i'm not sure if he's right with-my behavior or i'm over the top. cause i'm just so freakin' worn out at this point.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

    edited by Loth.
  5. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I worked in restaurants for 10 years, us waitresses had a habit of calling each other hon, but never honey, and I never called a boss honey.

    I haven't worked in them for a long time, so maybe it has changed.

    It sounds like he is a nice man to work for giving guys rides home and such.

    The honey thing, well that would have me upset too. The manager at our store never calls my husband honey, and he has been very good to her.

    If this waitress called your boyfriend hon, I would agree that I have heard that expression in the restaurants. It's rather casual, and you get close when you work with people and each other all of the time.

    Sorry you are aggravated, it probably is nothing. Think of it this way, owning a restaurant, he works all of the time and then probably is home with you, he doesn't have the time to fit in "another woman"

    Deep breaths in and out.

  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Obviously, he knew the text would upset you or he would not have hesitated. It could be nothing, or it could be something.

    The point is to make him understand how it makes you feel. If it makes you uncomortable to get text messages, he can do a few things to help in this partnership:
    1. he can turn off texting on his phone
    2. he can share them with you so you understand what is going on in his life
    3. he can leave if he is unwilling to help you feel better about the topic

    Do I think it is possible it is totally innocent. Yes, I do. I think people have innocent relationships that are not nearly as important to them - and therefore they should be willing to consider the others' feelings about that innocent, unimportant relationship.

    The Golden Rule still applies as adults: Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

    What if you started getting text messages? How would he feel?
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks guys

    i was already emotional have been for days i guess dealing with difficult child's and being sick it just put me in a mood.

    so when i saw that i totally flipped shall we say. i know the restaraunt business is kinda sketchy with the whole honey thing and all yet i felt that was totally inappropriate.

    so it took him a few hours last night to come to terms with my reaction to it. he was going down to truck to get something, kids were in bed and he asked me if i wanted to take a walk to driveway. so i did.

    he said look i overreacted to your reaction to the text. i apologize for doing so its' just hard since i did what i did mos. ago your ontop of me all the time about everything if i run late from closing up store you ask why, if my phone rings or buzzes your asking me why or who is it? he said i know what i did was wrong so very long ago (there was no real infidelity yet to me that's just as wrong to text like that) but he said there is nothing i can do to take it back or make it go away. you said you forgave me yet i'm under gun all the time and it's hard being under microscope.

    then he went on to say honestly the girl is a baby only 19 years old her dad worked for me for ten years i hired her basically cause her dad asked me to so she feels a certain closeness to me like i'm watching over her. she was very upset when the mgr attacked her like that and she almost walked so she text me and i calmed her down told her what to do to ensure she wouldnt' get in trouble again adn she called me honey. he said looking back now i could see how that could upset you and how you would think it suspicious adn i will make sure to tel her tomorrow that i am her boss and that calling me honey is not appropriate at all. so i'm very sorry that upset you. but i'm not doing anything with anyone and you have nothing to worry about.

    i don't know if any of you ever read my post regarding confronting demons a while back. gosh i've shared so much on here but wow it feels so good to get it out regarding difficult child's myself, etc. point is trust is a very hard thing for me it was stolen years ago and i dont thnk i ever reclaimed it. this is not the first time in a relationship that i was suspicious cautious watched carefully. i just feel that he did do what he did mos. ago and that due to that fact he's gotta know that he is going to be monitored for a while and he has to be ok with taht.

    so last night he said look i may not be the guy who always thinks to come home with flowers, or surprises at teh end of my long day. he said but i am the guy who on our 4th date told you that i was already in love with you and i haven't stopped yet. he said i'm also the guy that when you lost your apt. took you and girls in and support all of you and am telling you to quit your job that is too far away and do soemthing local that you like and that will make you happy i am also the guy who sits up with you when difficult child pulls her all nighter or sits with her adn talks to her so you can get rest. if that doesnt' say i love you i'm not sure what will.

    he's right. i just get scared. so much to tackle girlfriend'gs,

    he is a good man he works hard he is very patient with difficult child's situation, he is patient with me financially and provides very well, he does take my verbal tantrums when they come and just tries to duck for cover. if only i could totally trust that would be wonderful. yet trust takes time to reform and grow again i think. i also explained that to him.

    so funny no matter how i try to control my life it just seems like it's transforming right before my eyes.........:)

    this is such a cool place. when i sit back and think about it i wouldn't be giong to columbia next week for difficult child's evaluation if it wasn't for here. no one ever suggested that. i also woulnd't be looking within me and my behaviors, alot of stuff. glad i found it here has helped tremendously.

  8. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    Just my opinion on the texting matter and that is that once trust has been broken, its very hard to get it back and even when trust is restored, its never the way it was.

    I went through a similar situation with my husband about 4 yrs. ago. Its a long story but I was very hurt because his contact with an ex girlfriend was purposely kept secret. As he was drinking heavily at the time, he didn't even try covering his tracks and I found out about the contact by accident. She lives very far away so there was nothing physical going on but it was the fact that he was hiding something from me that hurt. It was all kind of messy for a while but we were able to work through it. He went through rehab and spent a couple of yrs. going to AA. He's not keeping secrets (that I can tell anyway) and he doesn't drink. He's thrown himself into working hard for this family and what speaks to me most about his commitment is how he's one of the best advocates difficult child has on her side. Only wish she knew it.

    So, while your boyfriend might think your reaction is over the top, its really pretty normal. And with you being sick right now...EVERYTHING is a much bigger deal. When you are feeling better and more rested, it may seem a tad more trivial. Just keep the lines of communication open and try to be kind to each other.

    Take care and be good to yourself. Hope you are having a better day.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree with everything Tammy said. Once trust has been broken, it is very difficult to get it back and it's never quite the same again. You can rebuild your relationship on a new level and regain a certain closeness you didn't have before, if you work at it together.

    My H and I went through a difficult time a few years ago as well and the one thing our counselor said was that while we're in the process of rebuilding my trust in H, he needed to give me full disclosure, meaning that I knew where he was, with whom, what he was doing, and I could freely go get something out of his truck without him jumping ahead of me. Likewise, I had to give up snooping and looking over his shoulder and giving him the 3rd degree. We BOTH had to work at regaining the trust. I had to learn to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he had to change certain things so that I was less mistrustful.

    In your situation, you could make it a rule that if there is trouble at work, his staff need to call him on the house phone only. No more texts. Also, perhaps you and boyfriend should have a standing date for lunch or dinner at the restaurant so his staff get to know you better and develop a respect for your presence in his life as his SO. It's important that he be viewed as a 'taken' man and not just a guy. It's very common for waitstaff to develop crushes on their managers and bosses and allowing yourself to be seen is one way to discourage that.

    And you have to realize and accept that if your boyfriend were determined to have an affair or inappropriate relationship with another woman, there isn't diddly you can do about it really. You either stay and live with it or you leave and get on with your life, Know what I mean?? It is not healthy for anyone or any relationship when one or both partners are constantly thinking the other may have something going on the side. It's terrible for your psyche and effects other aspects of your life, Jen. Be good to yourself.

    My only last remaining question is, if the girl were hired because her DAD worked with your H for 10 years and she's only 19 and your boyfriend is what, 38? Would she call her dad "honey" also?? I mean, wouldn't this scenario make your boyfriend more of a 'father figure' type of boss rather than a 'honey' type of boss? That was creepy to me. Otherwise, I would just make the no texting a rule that will help you develop stronger trust and if boyfriend really wants to help you develop more trust in him, he will go with it.

    Hugs - good luck!
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    that is exactly what i thought as well. im sorry to hear i'm not the only one that has had some type of issue. glad to hear that you all worked through them together says alot about your bond and love for one another.

    you soo soo right with the honey thing. and you are also soo soo right about the crush thing. girls were jumping on him when his ex suddenly turned gay after their 18 year marriage. jumping. he dated me and a few others initially until week 2 then it was me everyday. our initial courtship/dating stage althoguh short was quite sweet. he would go to work leave work drive totally opposite way to me with-food everynight. i didn't want him n house with kids and all didn't feel that was right so we'd sit on steps out side of where i lived kids were sleeping and we'd talk for hours and hed bring me tea. this went on for mos. everyday everynight he'd be there we had more food than we knew what to do with.

    then his dad's surprise birthday party he knew me only a mos. and invited me i met the entire family. people were shocked that we functioned so well together they said we seemed like a couple who had been together for years, we both mingled thru crowd i'm pretty outgoing so that was easy then we'd find eachother when we needed, etc. it was a great experience truly. then i'd go buy the rest. occassionally to say hi brought kids out to eat there o nce or twice to meet him in that setting very informal.

    then after only 3 mos. of dating well we'd go out to dinner once a week couldn't find time with difficult child's and all so we'd do the tea on steps thing every night i was loosin git all my apt., my pets, everything. he could tell something was wrong. by that point we had already introduced kids. we just knew timing was right we took them on outting and spent 8 hours together at a play water park. the kdis alll meshed like they had been together for yeras also. it was almost too hard to believe coming from a woman divorced for 7 yeras. the whole thing was magic.

    but then as i said we lost it all, family provided no answers, etc. then one night he said what is wrong something's bothering you bigtime. so i spilled hence the proposal and the us moving in. then the textin gwith other woman. which he claims as well as therapist was due to him just being scared at pace of it all.

    oh if you could of seen him. loading truck with all the kids, then little difficult child was at girlfriends house she broke her wrist diving in pool. him and i had to rush back into old neighborhood with rental truck me driving his truck and four kids. he offered to take her to hospital cause i was so tired.

    i'm teling you this man was like a saint from above. so when the texting thing hit it shattered alot for me regarding my vision of this man i had only met a short time ago. we'd never of moved in together so soon had it not been for my situation. alot thoght it was risky yet no one offered another solution and i was done financially i mean really done. so he was never home alone with my kids initially just as a precaution you can never be too safe. then in time we all found our way together. our 5 kids have never once been a problem in our relationship. they all love one another.

    ok sorry that was alot to share. just talking about it the beginning how sweet he was makes me tear up. he was so selfless he still is very giving and selfless man. he's had alot of experience the whole 18 year marriage thing and all. he's soo good to his kids and ex it's incredible their still very good friends hard for me at times but she's gay. he's had rough time with his language a few times but ever since we spoke never happened again he's been terrific with kids for most part.

    so anyway we'll keep trying. we've missed our date night almost every tuesday due to difficult child as of late. so we do dinner togehter as family and then we try to find time later on to spend together after shes down granted it can be 1 am. before our cup of tea comes out.....but hey you gotta do what you gotta do

    jen :)