Verbally abusive bullying adult son

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
They all try for the same things. I refused a while back to help him get a vehicle because he has so many violations and he destroys them. I have slowly tried to stop helping (enabling ) him but keep getting drawn in. I blocked phone and text. He used email. I blocked email he used messenger. I blocked messenger he figured out some way to create false numbers he even called me with a bunch of letters. I traded phones with my husband and he doesn't have that number. Some things have been succesful. He has a job and rides a bike to work. He ubers if he has to and rides a bus if stuck. The less i help the more he figures out. I feel guilty i think we all do but i keep telling myself that he is an adult. His two younger brothers never ask for help and are self sufficient. He does have a mental illness but i tried for years to get him treatment and thats not going to happen until he figures out he needs it. I have destroyed my relationship with one of my other sons and partially with the other. I am going to focus on me and my grandchildren and hubby for now. I hope you keep strong and realize they have to learn to take care of themselves.
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
Nobody I mean nobody deserves to be bullied. This is abuse. Manipulation. It is horrible!
Sometimes we get used to being treated or mistreated a certain way. Or, it is just easier to give in, than to stand up. Because when we give in, it stops, well at least until the next need or want. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as evil as physical abuse, just as hurtful.
The key word for most of us with wayward children is “adult”. At 26 and 30, your sons are adults. My two are 30 and 38. On the streets. I hate it, but it is their choice. I understand the need to help out adult kids at times, but will not help someone who won’t help themselves, or are abusive.
My two daughters went through a phase of blaming me outright for everything that went wrong in their lives. I fell into the guilt trap and reeled those tapes over and again.Then, I realized I made mistakes but did the best job I could parenting them. The rest was up to them. They can’t deny their poor choices and put it on me, I won’t stand for that anymore.
When it was obvious that they weren’t making changes, I did. I had to, to survive.
Our kids know right where to “poke” us to get the response they want. We become enveloped in what is called fog, fear, obligation and guilt. That keeps us in their game, desperate for them to change, for answers, relief from the grief of their circumstances.
But, we have absolutely no control over their choices.
None of us imagined our kids growing up, failing to launch into adulthood, having attitudes of entitlement. But, here we are. It is a hard pill to swallow to see our kids living in cars, or parks. My two are able bodied and could work, but their
choice is to smoke meth, and be homeless.
I didn’t give up on them, I gave up on the notion that I could rescue them.
JPG, you don’t deserve the bullying and threats from anyone least of all your own grownup child.
Keep heading in the direction of letting your sons learn to fend for themselves. They will not like it and will try their darndest to keep you funding them. Love says no. I had to learn that, hard as it is. No, I won’t give you money, no you can’t live with me. When we make things easier we are not helping them. There will come a day when we are not on this earth. Our adult kids need to test their own wings and learn self reliance. They are capable.
I figure I am not getting any younger, the stress and worry of all these years has worn me down, but I am fighting to try to live the best rest of my life. I am hoping that leading by example, taking care of myself will help them to see the importance of self love, taking good care of their own health.
JPG you are not the only parent who has tried just about everything under the sun to make things right for your kids. We have all gone out on limbs for our beloveds. Even when they turned on us at times. Eventually, we learned to stop, take a deep breath, and put our feet down set healthy boundaries. Learning to come out of the fog and steady ourselves, breathe fresh air and find new ways of reacting is hard work, but we are worth it. You are worth it. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You have come to a place where folks understand the pain of it. We are not experts, just parents who have been there, done that and then some. We are all on a tough journey at different points along the path. Keep strengthening yourself and building your toolbox, posting, reading, meditating, exercising, anything that helps lift you up.
Take good care of yourself!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

Thank you so much for your response. I really needed to hear this too. "I didn’t give up on them, I gave up on the notion that I could rescue them." I shall cherish this.
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
I'm fairly new to this forum and I'm not quite sure how to begin a new concern. I have two adult sons, 26 and 30 who both live in their cars for the most part. My 30 yr. old is really pushing back hard and basically is a bully towards me. Not physically but verbally and emotionally. I've been working on my enabling problems and have warned him since the beginning of May that I would not be paying for his gas anymore. He just worked for the first time approx. 8 hrs. over the weekend and I told him I'll gas him up today but going forward he's on his own and can use the money from his 8 hr. job to pay for his gas and then he'll have to figure it out from there. I have been able "somewhat" to stop giving out food $ but he refuses to go to food pantries to get food or local churches for help and constantly texts me that he's starving. Today before I went to lunch for my yoga class I told him no more gas $. When I got out of Yoga there were 26 text messages telling me the war is on and calling me all the usual horrible names. I keep asking God to give me the strength to deal with all of this but stopping the enabling is not a one time deal. Those you are making the changes with will push back hard and I mean really hard to get what they want. I'm just looking for some words of support or encourage to get me through his hurdle.

You asking for advice has really helped me too. I am not in a good place to offer help right now, and it helped me to read all the great advice you got.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Blindsided.

I get it and I think you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes we just need to step back from the magnitude of the problem because we’re so close to it that it’s all we see in our path. I’ve found the people on this site to have a lot of wisdom and I’m trying to absorb it all. I’m positive you’ll gain some knowledge and strength. It may be baby steps of progress but at least you’ll be headed in the right direction. Hang in there. Sending good vibes your way!
 
Top