Very bad morning all the way around

[Californiablonde]

This morning was the worst in a very long time. difficult child refused to go to school today, even after the threats of getting a probation officer and possibly going to juvenal hall, and after knowing her dad is threatening to take her away from me if she doesn't start going to school. When I woke her up for school, she said she had a headache. I told her she still needs to go to school even if she has a headache. The school has gotten to the point that they will not excuse any more of her absences unless we have a dr. note. I reminded difficult child of this. She insisted she was too sick to go to school and she wanted my mom to take her to the doctors. I told her that having a headache does not warrant her going to the doctors, and that the dr. would not excuse her for that reason. She insisted that my mom would take her to the doctors if she asked her to. I called my mom and put her on speaker phone. I explained the situation to her in hopes that she could calm difficult child down, who was at this point screaming and crying, and get her to make difficult child go to school. difficult child kept up with her crying and insisted she was not going to school, even after my mom explained to her that she was not going to pick her up and take her to the doctors.

It was at this point that easy child started having his own meltdown. He hates to be late for school or daycare for any reason. At this point if we didn't hurry up and get in the car, we were going to be late. He started screaming at me, telling me to leave difficult child home and get him to school. I told him I needed more time to convince her to go to school. He then started throwing things and slamming the doors repeatedly. I told him to stop but he didn't listen. I ended up hanging up with my mom cause she couldn't convince difficult child to go to school. I started to call her dad, because in the IEP her dad stated that when she refuses to go, I can call him in the morning to talk to difficult child. Her dad is a lot more strict than I am, and just hearing his voice gets her to do what she is told. Once difficult child saw I was dialing her dad's number, she freaked out. Started screaming and crying and begging me not to call him. I told her I had no other choice but to ask for his help. She then pushed me and ripped the phone out of my hand. I tried getting the phone back from her but she is bigger and stronger than me. The whole time we were fighting easy child was also screaming for me to get him to school.

I finally and to leave her there and take easy child who was having his own fit. I told difficult child that her dad was going to be super mad at her if she didn't go to school and he found out about this whole scene. It was my last ditch effort to get her in the car. She still refused, so I left and took easy child to school. I then called the attendance office at Cat's school and asked if they could send a truant officer over to pick her up. The lady told me that they don't do that at this school. I then told her that something needs to be done because difficult child needs to go to school. She told me she would have a talk with someone higher up than her and give me a call back. That was two and a half hours ago. I still haven't heard back.

Meanwhile, my mom went behind my back and emailed Cat's dad. She told him about everything that happened this morning. She asked him to please not get mad at me and take it out on me. I did all I could. So far he hasn't answered his email. I am at work now, and axiously awaiting to hear his response, if he even responds. Remember my mom emailed him on Friday and told him he has been kept in the dark about the kids' issues so far because I am afraid he will threaten me and get angry. He never responded to that email. So he may not respond to this one. Or he may email me directly and get angry with me. I am really worried. There is only three days left till our Christmas vacation and I was hoping the kids wouldn't give me any trouble this week. I really hope my ex doesn't take this out on me. I am doing all I can and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish difficult child could see what she is doing to herself and our whole family. But she doesn't care. How do I force her to do what she's supposed to when she refuses?

 

[HopeRemains]

I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this. Do you think that maybe her Dad isn't returning emails because they aren't coming from you? I might not ever call him in front of her again, just leave her there and call him when you get outside to let him know the situation. That way she doesn't attack you for even mentioning it.

 

[Californiablonde]

Yeah my big mistake was calling him in front of her. Next time I will go outside and do it, then when I have him on the line I will put him on speaker and go back in the house. Either way, he ended up finding out anyway. She is deathly afraid of her dad. I can't believe the threat of a probation officer or having her live with her dad didn't make her go. She thinks she's invincible and nothing bad will happen to her. She may have to find out the hard way that it can.

 

[buddy]

I'd tell my mom that if she ever crossed that line again she will not be in our lives. But I also would not call my mom and blurr the boundaries. You have a decision to make. Either you want her to interfere or you don't I think.

And if you want difficult child to see you mean business, maybe you should call him yourself. I think your not dealing with him directly gives him more amo. I know it's scary but could you call him and tell him...... you said to call, so go get her!

by the way, you could have called 911 at the point she grabbed the phone and got aggressive. She likely would have gotten in your car fast!

I've had ugly times like that over other things. I really do feel for you. Really, maybe 50-50 custody could help?

 

[Californiablonde]

Her dad lives an hour and a half away so 50/50 wouldn't work. I have full physical custody. He threatens me all the time to take my kids away. I'm about to say let him have difficult child if he thinks he can do a better job. No way am I giving up easy child. He has been going to the same school since kindergarten and has many friends there, same daycare as always, etc. Plus he is thriving in school. Getting all A's. Loves his teachers. And he hates change. Taking him out of his environment would be detrimental to his mental health. I will fight my ex tooth and nail when it comes to easy child. I have just about had it with difficult child. She can live with her dad and evil stepmom. I got a threatening letter in the mail saying I could go to jail for a year if she doesn't start going to school. No way am I serving jail time for her. She will go live with her dad far long before that ever happens. Only problem is with her gone I lose my child support. I absolutely cannot afford easy child's before and after school daycare without that child support. It's a lose/lose situation all the way around. Damn difficult child. Why can't she do one simple thing and go to school? She really is ruining it for all of us.

 

[buddy]

I agree easy child needs his routine with his Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) especially. Your doing so well with him. If the child support goes down can you qualify for day care assistance thru the county? You wont have clothes or food etc. for difficult child so that money would be available. Is he easy child 's dad too? It is a horrible position to be in. I'm so sorry.

 

[Californiablonde]

Yes, buddy, he's easy child's dad too. He keeps telling me he wants both kids so I can pay him child support for once. If that happened, I would lose my apartment. I can't afford to pay him out of what I make. But money is not the main issue. I am concerned for easy child. He doesn't believe in his ADHD or the autism and has refused to give him his ADHD medications. Without his medications he's a D/F student because he can't focus on anything except biting his fingernails in class until they bleed. On medications he focuses wonderfully in the classroom, completes all his classwork and homework and turns it in, and is getting straight A's. He would fail miserably at his dad's. My only hope is that any judge in their right mind would agree with me.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It's not about whether the judge would believe YOU.
Start lining up your stack of evidence and list of "expert witnesses" - the therapist, teachers, etc.
Judges DO listen to evidence... more than just to one parent vs another.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well I had a very nice lunch with my boyfriend. It kept my mind off of things for awhile. Now I'm back at work and having anxiety waiting for his email. He is quite busy at work and away from his desk frequently, so I have a feeling he may not email until after work at 5:30. I leave work at 4 so I will not see his email until tomorrow morning. Thank goodness for my Xanax. At least I can take some of that tonight but for now my anxiety persists.

 

[SuZir]

Dear CB, in my humble opinion, your most pressing problem right now isn't your meddling mom (and yes, as Buddy say, you need to decide if you want her to meddle or not), your ex (who seems to a real price, I admit), getting your difficult child to school (while that is also important), but that you are a single mother of a difficult child who is bigger and stronger than you and who is behaving violent and threatening manner. That is something you have to put stop from beginning. That is something she can not get away, ever. It is a safety issue and you really don't want to teach her it is okay to get violent with you.

I'm a mother of two sons who are bigger than I, have been some time now. And while I'm tall and rather strong woman, my difficult child towers me and even easy child is several inches taller than I. And I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in fight with them, haven't had in years. So I have made it very, very clear that they are not going to get physically aggressive with me, they are not going to try to intimidate me with their size or to come to my space. That is one of very few zero tolerance rules in this house. They are allowed to be angry with me, to yell, I'm not even going to loose my sleep over rude insults, but any kind of physical intimidating or aggressiveness is absolutely out of question.

Don't let your difficult child get physical with you. That is a point there you call 911 without questions, immediately. Don't let her get away with that, ever.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well I texted her dad and asked him to call her tonight and tell her she has to go to school tomorrow. So far he hasn't responded. I expect he will after he gets off work. Honestly I never thought about calling 911 before. When difficult child pushes me it's not hard and I don't fall down. I just never thought of it as a real emergency. I suppose I could the next time she tries anything. Even the threat of it might make her stop. I just don't know if I have the actual courage to do it.

 

[Californiablonde]

MY ex finally texted me back and said he will call difficult child tonight. I hope it helps. All she needs to do is go to school two more lousy days until Christmas break. Hopefully she can do it.

 

[JJJ]

If you wouldn't really do it, then don't threaten to call 911.

Are you getting counseling through your local domestic violence center? I think you need to get connected with them. You are being abused by ex and difficult child. You need help.

 

[susiestar]

You are TOTALLY off base in not calling 911 EVERY time difficult child gets violent with you. Did you know that it is usually a FELONY to take a phone away from someone attempting to call police/911? in my opinion in taking the phone from you violently when you were trying to call for help, your difficult child committed assault against you.

i know you dont' want more people involved in your life and you have lots of fears and anxieties. You STILL have to do what needs to be done, and that is to get the cops involved each and every time she is physical with you. What, exactly, do you think she is learning when she gets aggressive, pushes you and takes the phone away from you? I promise that the lesson is that she can do what she wants and bully you and you cannot and will not do ANYTHING. She is learnign this BECAUSE you are not doing anything. So why should she go to school? She can have a fit, yell, scream, throw things, and get to do whatever she wants all day.

Don't just call your ex or let your mom. I don't know if your mom is meddling too much or not. I think she is trying to smooth things over and help him see a better way to help, and she probably is upset because you are not really making any progress and she is scared for both you and your kids.

easy child does have a right to get to school on time, but he is clearly learning that it is okay to throw fits and get what he wants. that is what you and difficult child are teaching him. So figure a way to discourage this and help keep his routine.

We have told you over and over and over to call the cops to help get her to school. Have you done this? You need to look up the non-emergency phone number for the police in your area and put it into your cell phone and memorize it and have it written down. That is the number you call when she FIRST refuses to go to school. don't wait until she is yelling and pushing. call right away, from another room. Also call the school board office and ask how to contact a truant officer for your area/school. Bypass the school building for now. Don't buy into the 'we don't do that' garbage. If your difficult child needs it, they do it. it is why you have an IEP. Period. But go AROUND the school and go to the truant officer directly. Get his number or the best way to reach him. Then use that every morning regardless of whether it is around a holiday or not.

You are not going to like this next bit. I am sorry, but I think it needs to be said.

I don't think xanax is helping you. I have NOTHING against the medication, and took it myself for severe pms and ptsd and to help with migraines. It was very helpful, but it was also short term. You need to be super careful with xanax. THere are other similar medications that might have less risk for you. You have already had the DUI incident, and being on xanax after that is going to look bad if /when custody ever goes back to court. I know it is rx'd by a doctor. I also know that MANY in law enforcement think that most use of it is abuse. I don't buy that, but you are going to have to be SUPER careful about appearances. On paper, the DUI and then use of xanax along with bipolar and if they ask if you have problems with alcohol and anyone brings up Thanksgiving, well, you are going to have a HUGE problem. Other benzos are very effective but not as abused and they do not have the reputation and appearance of being as easily and commonly abused.

I know you don't want to think about that, but hiding from it isn't going to help you. As it is, you are in danger of jail time for not getting difficult child to school. The court will see that, your history, and that you have not called the truant officer or police to help get difficult child to school and they will NOT look at you in the best light. Appearances MATTER in this situation, and with the risk factors, well, you could be in big trouble if ex or the school pushes this into court. Take steps now and you can avoid a LOT of problems that would only make your problems worse in court.

Regardless of the other things, violence is what difficult child is using to get her way, and you need to wake up and see that. You are not doing your job as her mom if you allow her to treat you this way with impunity. Start calling and reporting her assaults to the cops every single time she tries to intimidate you wth violence or she pushes, shoves, or otherwise touches you with aggression/violence. Also call then if/when she tries to keep you from making calls for assistance.

The first few times the responding officer may not think it is much, but it is the start of the paper trail. After a few times the cops will get sick of responding to difficult child's refusal to get up, and they will start taking action. But you MUST step up not just because she needs school, but because she MUST learn that she cannot be violent at home with-o facing severe consequences.

 

[SuZir]

When difficult child pushes me it's not hard and I don't fall down.

it's not about how hard she pushes you, it is about her pushing at all. With my boys it is certainly not about pushing, it is about four feet distance. When my difficult child was nine, about to turn ten, he was near me having a tantrum and I got some spit on my face and clearly understood that my little one wouldn't be little very long. So I did what I would do with any foal or puppy that would turn a big dog. I decided to teach him that my space was my space, he had no business into that without me asking and sky would definitely fall if he even brushed me in anger. When he was turning ten I explained to him that he would be a big kid now and some things are different for small and big kids. That while when the small kid throws a tantrum, mother will pick them up and carry them to their own room to calm down. But that big kids had to learn to respect other people's space also while angry. there was other things too, many of them positive, that he was now allowed as a big kid.First I had to remind him to take two steps back and get out of my space while angry, but he learned and now it has long been automatic. I taught exactly the same to easy child when he got to that age.

Later I have had few talks with difficult child about how he really is quite a big guy and how he has to mind it that he doesn't come off as intimidating for others and keep the distance in certain situations. easy child seems to pick up that on his own and it is also likely, that he will not grow quite as tall as difficult child. Still he too is a big kid.

 

[buddy]

What consequence does she have for this morning?

 

[HaoZi]

Oh honey, if she gets violent, call the police, period. You won't be the first or last parent here to do it. Don't wait until she actually does hurt you and ends up with charges against her for it - call them out so they can calm her down. Make sure when you call that you're very clear with them you're calling in regards to a mentally ill child/teen - they should have someone specially trained for that. I think I know half the force here by first name at this point, and several of them ask how Kiddo is doing when I run into them out and about. Heck, one of them is on her emergency contacts list at school now and the sheriff sat in on her first IEP meeting with the middle school so his officers would know how to deal with her if they got called out.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with most everyone here. First call your school board and ask who is available as truant officers for your school district because you have a child in X grade who is completely refusing to go to school Y number of days. Ask for a number you can call at the drop of a hat to get someone out there. If they suggest just calling the police, thank them politely and ask them to please put that in writing and email it to you so you can have a copy of that for your records. Or if they wont do that, you email them and copy your understanding of what they said in the email and say you just want to make sure you understand what they said and if anything in this email is wrong for them to please reply back. I doubt the will.

Then look up the non-emergency number for the police dept and explain what is going on. Tell them you have a mentally ill teen who is refusing to go to school and you need their help getting her there. Tell them she is hitting you and pushing you. She is too big for you to just put in the car and drag to school. Ask them if they can come out and help you. If so, program their number into your cell phone as a number you only have to press one number. As far as dad, I would just send him a text after all this was over. He is too far away to do much. If you really cant get her to school with the help of all the cops and such then I would consider sending her to him. I wouldnt worry about child support because you can get help with that. Either through day care assistance or maybe a scholarship. You will also possibly now qualify for food stamps or some other programs to help out. If worse comes to worse, he may be able to go to a day care program that is less expensive like the Boys and Girls club or maybe the Y. The Y normally has scholarships and no one knows. But I would ask his current day care first.

You might also be able to move into a smaller apt which would be cheaper in the same complex which wouldnt mean you break your lease.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well it happened again this morning. Even after her dad texted her last night and told her that if the state doesn't take her away first, then she is going to have to live with him. She begged me this morning to take her to the doctors. I told her I can't take her to the doctors all because of a headache and stomach ache. I reminded her it's only two more days till Christmas break and I knew she could make it. She still refuses. I left the room and walked into the kitchen to dial her dad. She followed me in there and pushed me hard into the cabinet and I hit my eye. I spilled coffee all over the counter. She immediately started apologizing profusely. Told me it was an accident. Said she was only trying to grab the phone from me and she didn't mean to hit into me and push me into the cabinet. It wasn't an accident. I felt her push me. She still insisted she didn't mean it. Begged me not to call the police. I called her dad instead. He heard her screaming in the backround. I put her on speaker phone. He told her that if she didn't get in the car then he was going to take her this weekend and keep her there. She argued with him. Told him she was too sick to go to school. Also told him she wasn't going to live with him and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. She then hung up on him. She used to be afraid of her dad but now that she's 15 she isn't scared of him at all. So I decided to call the police. She then agreed to get in the car and go to school. So she is there now. I ended up being late to work for the second day in a row. If she doesn't go to school tomorrow I am dropping her off at her dad's and leaving her there. I have decided it's time for him to take custody and see what happens. I can't deal with it anymore. She needs to know how easy she has it with me and how much harder it's gonna be living with him. I am not going to miss any more work cause of her. Let him deal with her. I am serious. I have had it. I am done.

 

[Kathy813]

I think letting your diagnosis have custody of difficult child for a while is a good idea. It will give you and your easy child a break and she will see that you will not allow her to hurt you. It will only get worse unless you make it very clear to her that violence will not be tolerated.

~Kathy