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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 630825" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>LynnyLou, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your adult daughter.</p><p></p><p>It is not okay for an adult woman to treat her mother in the fashion you describe and it is not okay for you to accept it or condone it. Since your daughter is the beneficiary of your good fortune and good graces, she will likely not change, but continue to abuse you. You will have to do the changing. That means stop the flow of money to your daughter. If she is still living with you,then you must make boundaries around her behavior and her choices. No one gets a free ride. If she makes poor choices then she is the one who should reap those consequences, NOT YOU. </p><p></p><p>It is unfortunate that her daughter is used as a tool between you, that is an ugly trait of your daughters and is selfish and manipulative. You do not have to abide by her tactics. Insist on behavior that you can live with and that is supportive of you. It would be helpful if you got some kind of professional support so you can learn tools and ways to make sure YOU are safe, protected, nourished and valued. Once you make yourself the priority and focus you what it is YOU need, your depression will likely lift. We are not meant to value our adult kids more then ourselves, they are supposed to launch on their own and your daughter's not doing that is impacting your life negatively and causing you undue stress and sorrow. It is time for a change. </p><p></p><p>You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Often when we enable our adult kids, they have utter disdain for us, treat us poorly and make our lives miserable. The only person who can change that and stop it is YOU. YOU have to learn a different way to respond, often by using the word NO a lot. Find a therapist or a support group of some kind to help you make that transition, you do not deserve to live this way at the hands of an adult brat who uses you and abuses you. </p><p></p><p>It helps to keep posting. If you can put your signature at the bottom of the page as we have done that will help us to remember your story and respond better. You do that by clicking on your screen name at the top on the right and look for bio and signature. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, it'll get better once you begin to put the focus on yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 630825, member: 13542"] LynnyLou, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your adult daughter. It is not okay for an adult woman to treat her mother in the fashion you describe and it is not okay for you to accept it or condone it. Since your daughter is the beneficiary of your good fortune and good graces, she will likely not change, but continue to abuse you. You will have to do the changing. That means stop the flow of money to your daughter. If she is still living with you,then you must make boundaries around her behavior and her choices. No one gets a free ride. If she makes poor choices then she is the one who should reap those consequences, NOT YOU. It is unfortunate that her daughter is used as a tool between you, that is an ugly trait of your daughters and is selfish and manipulative. You do not have to abide by her tactics. Insist on behavior that you can live with and that is supportive of you. It would be helpful if you got some kind of professional support so you can learn tools and ways to make sure YOU are safe, protected, nourished and valued. Once you make yourself the priority and focus you what it is YOU need, your depression will likely lift. We are not meant to value our adult kids more then ourselves, they are supposed to launch on their own and your daughter's not doing that is impacting your life negatively and causing you undue stress and sorrow. It is time for a change. You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Often when we enable our adult kids, they have utter disdain for us, treat us poorly and make our lives miserable. The only person who can change that and stop it is YOU. YOU have to learn a different way to respond, often by using the word NO a lot. Find a therapist or a support group of some kind to help you make that transition, you do not deserve to live this way at the hands of an adult brat who uses you and abuses you. It helps to keep posting. If you can put your signature at the bottom of the page as we have done that will help us to remember your story and respond better. You do that by clicking on your screen name at the top on the right and look for bio and signature. Hang in there, it'll get better once you begin to put the focus on yourself. [/QUOTE]
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