Very discouraged. Sometimes...dare I even say it?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, May 26, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is a worse, stronger statement than "I don't always love my child." I actually do love 35. But there are times, way in secret, in places I never tell my thoughts, when I wonder if it would have been better.....if 35.....had not been....born. Yes, there, I said it and I feel sick to my stomach. But he has never ever been happy and his life just keeps getting worse. Sure, he does it to himself, but he really doesn't know it, and I didn't bring this child into this world just so that he can spend his days and years completely miserable. I do not remember a time when he was happy. I do think he had a measure of contentment when he was married, at least in the beginning, but that's all. Here is the latest, for those of you who do not go to Parent Emeritus. Plus this post is for me and my feelings and it's sort of a vent. I know I need to go back into detachment mode, but right now it's all out there and I can't push it back in. Here goes.

    Of course, 35 can't do anything without talking too much, babbling too often, sending too many e-mails, asking too many questions, being a general PITA. So his fantastic lawyer is now talking about how she may not be the best lawyer for him and customer care from the firm is going to contact him. If s he does drop him, he has lost the case. You may ask me why I care, since he is so troubled, and I want the best for my grandson. Well, ex is even worse. I'd have to write a novel to tell you all the stuff she has done and, as hard as it is to imagine, she is even worse than him... and meanspirited and is most likely a sociopath. She has left a path of destruction everywhere she has gone. She would NEVER let me see my grandson, not that I will ever have a big part in his life, but ex would keep him away from me forever. Period. So I'm sad for myself. Selfish, I know.

    Plus I'm so tired of the way 35, without the use of drugs as an excuse, just totally ruins everything. He had the best lawyer in St. Louis. When she dumps him (I should say "if"), it will be costly and he will have trouble getting another one (lawyers want nothing to do with clients who were dumped by other lawyers) and it will look terrible to the judge. What is actually going on is that the lawyer has suggested to 35 that she isn't sure she is the right person to represent him and that Customer Care from her firm is going to call him next week to talk about it. She isn't pulling out yet and did not say she'd do it for sure, but I think she wants out. This is a week before mediation and three weeks before the hearing to dismiss. I know my son is a PITA, especially to me, but he doesn't scream and swear at outsiders and I can only think that his nonstop questioning and rambling is driving this poor lawyer to drink a bit too much after hours. He knows what he did wrong and would stop doing it if she'd keep him, but at this point, who knows? It may be too late. IF she does file a motion to dump him, the judge will likely grant soul custody and all the perks that go with that to the ex, who is even crazier but is good at hiding it. My poor grandson. He can't win.

    If 35 loses custody of his son, except for every other weekend and once during the week, with no legal rights to make decisions about him, I am seriously afraid he will kill himself. His entire life is his son. His only happiness is this child. I am sick with worry and guilt. He has inherited every bad gene in our family tree, not spared one of them. And he's awful. And I love him dearly anyway.

    And I just wish I could block him completely out of my mind. This new development with the lawyer, although his fault by bothering her so much, has me more upset than most of his other messes. It also makes me think about Scott, which is dangerous territory. Am I going to lose my first two children? Scott won't let me see him and there is a good chance that one day 35 will kill himself.

    Ok, so I'm on the pity pot. Can't I just have one holiday where 35 doesn't interfere with the rest of my family? Today I'm not angry at 35. I'm sad for him and for all the other people in this world who can never find happiness or peace.
  2. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Some people in this world are just vastly unhappy.

    I have been one of those people for most of my life until I got in therapy and for whatever reason it worked. I am not completely cured and will always be on the sour side of things but at least I don't wake up in the morning wondering why god puts certain people on this earth to suffer.

    You have my good thoughts and wishes that the lawyer doesn't drop him.

    As scary as it may seem maybe this could be his version of rock bottom that forces him to get some kind of help, I know you may not think this is likely but it could indeed happen and all my hopes for you are in this direction. I am not a drug addict and never have been but my rock bottom came while financially I was in a good place but could not deal with my divorce and my children's custody issues and feeling like I was carrying the world on my shoulders with nothing good to take the place of my marriage.

    Sadly your mommy heart may be bruised because just like in cases of drug abuse there is nothing you can do to speed this realization that he needs help. Therapy, church, medications, something.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dix, I had a big problem with depression until I found the right therapy and medications.

    35 has gotten help a nd actually been better when he was in therapy. I almost forgot about that so thanks for jogging my brain. Right now he can't afford help and makes too much to get county mental health care. I'm afraid for him since he isn't being properly medicated or seeing a therapist he trusts. I wish I had more money. If he actually promised to go, I'd send it to a good psychologist as long as he attended, at least for a while. Moot point. For us, we make it week by week and I have kids still at home I have to help out.

    But you did make me feel better. I'm glad you are doing better. Depression is horrible. My son seems a leap beyond depression, but again the therapist he had helped him tons.

    I feel better now anyways. Have a great holiday. You made mine better. I am always surprised at how I can post here and almost always somebody says something that resonates and helps.