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VERY disheartening...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 642090" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I remember you. Didn't you give a lot of money to your son at one time? I remember when your husband was first showing symptoms of Alzheimers...I am soooooo sorry. I am sorry your son is a grown man and still at home with no ambition. It is common here. Many, however, were thrown out of the house and we on PE help one another learn to live our own lives and not through our damaged adult children. I am so sorry about your husband.</p><p></p><p>If you stick around, rather than just hearing gloom and doom you will hear some success stories, meaning that many of us are doing quite well in spite of having a personality-disordered, difficult adult child. We have learned how to take care of our own needs and to put down boundaries and limits and to expect more of our grown children. These are stories about how WE are doing well, not necessarily our grown children, but US! And it is worth celebrating because WE matter and we can control ourselves, not our grown kids. They control themselves, we control us. Some of us have happy, peaceful lives now. I am one <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>I personally do not believe for one nano-second that pot helps any mental health condition and I believe it is a legal excuse to smoke it. Pot zaps your motivation, as you see with your son. It does not seem to be doing him any good. You can't control him about the pot, but you can tell him you don't want the smoke or smell in your house and that he has to do it somewhere else. Or you can do even more. You can set a timeline about where you expect him to be at a certain time and then enforce it, if you wish to do so.</p><p></p><p>The miracle formula for the adult child to get help has happened here. My daughter was on drugs and quit on her own and is happy, responsible, went to college on her own dime, and now has a beautiful child and a wonderful SO. She decided to turn her life around. The miracle answer is that your own son has to become motivated enough, for whatever reason, to get the help he needs to get off the couch, get off the pot, and get a job. It is within him to do this. It is within all of us. Many of our adult children are still sleeping at noon while other men their ages are serving our country, working full time and supporting families, buying their first house, etc. The more you give him, the less motivation your son has to take those steps to become the man that he is supposed to be. How would he behave without your money, your car, your financial support?</p><p></p><p>That would probably motivate him to get a job. I am not surprised your son has not gotten better. There were no expectations of him and he got anything he wanted. Trust me, you aren't the only person who has done that, but, as you can see, it doesn't work. If anything, he has gotten into additional trouble and now has some injuries which should not be an excuse for not working. There is something you CAN do: You can get courageous and tell him you are no longer supporting him, the car, the internet, the cell phone...that he is a man and has to do it himself. Maybe he will if you change tactics.</p><p></p><p>If not, you can still decide YOU matter and deal with your son in ways you haven't done before. You can not change your son one wit, but you can change how you react to his laying around the house doing nothing. You can set new boundaries that give him hard choices to make...that every grown man should make. You can even choose to tell him to get a job in three months or he will have to find another place to live. You don't have to do this, but you do have to take care of yourself. You've been through a lot. I, and I'm sure the rest of us, hope you have a happy rest-of-your-life, not a babysitter for life.</p><p></p><p>I know you are not young. Life is precious. Savor it. Savor yourself. Let your son write his own story and you continue writing yours and make it a beautiful story at that. Again, sorry for your loss and remember this is just my opinion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 642090, member: 1550"] I remember you. Didn't you give a lot of money to your son at one time? I remember when your husband was first showing symptoms of Alzheimers...I am soooooo sorry. I am sorry your son is a grown man and still at home with no ambition. It is common here. Many, however, were thrown out of the house and we on PE help one another learn to live our own lives and not through our damaged adult children. I am so sorry about your husband. If you stick around, rather than just hearing gloom and doom you will hear some success stories, meaning that many of us are doing quite well in spite of having a personality-disordered, difficult adult child. We have learned how to take care of our own needs and to put down boundaries and limits and to expect more of our grown children. These are stories about how WE are doing well, not necessarily our grown children, but US! And it is worth celebrating because WE matter and we can control ourselves, not our grown kids. They control themselves, we control us. Some of us have happy, peaceful lives now. I am one :) I personally do not believe for one nano-second that pot helps any mental health condition and I believe it is a legal excuse to smoke it. Pot zaps your motivation, as you see with your son. It does not seem to be doing him any good. You can't control him about the pot, but you can tell him you don't want the smoke or smell in your house and that he has to do it somewhere else. Or you can do even more. You can set a timeline about where you expect him to be at a certain time and then enforce it, if you wish to do so. The miracle formula for the adult child to get help has happened here. My daughter was on drugs and quit on her own and is happy, responsible, went to college on her own dime, and now has a beautiful child and a wonderful SO. She decided to turn her life around. The miracle answer is that your own son has to become motivated enough, for whatever reason, to get the help he needs to get off the couch, get off the pot, and get a job. It is within him to do this. It is within all of us. Many of our adult children are still sleeping at noon while other men their ages are serving our country, working full time and supporting families, buying their first house, etc. The more you give him, the less motivation your son has to take those steps to become the man that he is supposed to be. How would he behave without your money, your car, your financial support? That would probably motivate him to get a job. I am not surprised your son has not gotten better. There were no expectations of him and he got anything he wanted. Trust me, you aren't the only person who has done that, but, as you can see, it doesn't work. If anything, he has gotten into additional trouble and now has some injuries which should not be an excuse for not working. There is something you CAN do: You can get courageous and tell him you are no longer supporting him, the car, the internet, the cell phone...that he is a man and has to do it himself. Maybe he will if you change tactics. If not, you can still decide YOU matter and deal with your son in ways you haven't done before. You can not change your son one wit, but you can change how you react to his laying around the house doing nothing. You can set new boundaries that give him hard choices to make...that every grown man should make. You can even choose to tell him to get a job in three months or he will have to find another place to live. You don't have to do this, but you do have to take care of yourself. You've been through a lot. I, and I'm sure the rest of us, hope you have a happy rest-of-your-life, not a babysitter for life. I know you are not young. Life is precious. Savor it. Savor yourself. Let your son write his own story and you continue writing yours and make it a beautiful story at that. Again, sorry for your loss and remember this is just my opinion. [/QUOTE]
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