Very long (stepmom needs help)

Boundaries

New Member
Hello, I am new to this site. The reason I named myself “Boundaries” is because I am not sure where my boundaries lay. I am a Stepmom to a 24 year old woman. I have been with her Father sense she was 5. I want to say that I love her and want what is best for her. I have tried very hard through the years to help guide her. I realize that her Father and I have VERY different parenting skills. In my opinion he never had any. We were not the primary house where she lived. That made it more difficult. She has been stealing from family member, friends, and school for many years. She was caught at school with pot. There were never any consequences. Her Mother covered up for her, her father turned the other cheek. After turning 18 she was arrested many times for shoplifting. The first time she went into rehab she moved in with her Dad, and I. I said finally she will have some rules. We (or should I say I) wrote up a contract. With in two weeks she broke the contract. She found a room at half way house. My husband paid rent for 3 months. Her Mother paid many of her bills for the last year. Oh yes, She has lost countless job (never her fault). She got caught stealing again, and went to rehab again. The courts didn’t even give her any consequences except some fines. Her Mother and Father thought for sure she had been clean for almost a year. I never saw any changes from her except she was not getting caught stealing. I told my husband “do not get your hopes up”
Well, here we are now. My Step daughter has taking money out of her Mom’s safe for over 6 months. Around 50,000 dollars. Her Mother did call the sheriff. The sheriff’s did get a written statement from Step Daughter saying she had stolen the money. Her Mom is now taking her food. I am sick because I see her Mother enabling her again. She also called my husband said that if he had any compassion that he should get some food for his daughter. I sent an email with website for the book “Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children”. I told her that we were buying the book and if she would like to borrow it let us know. I also sent a list of food kitchens and food banks in her daughters area. She set me back an email telling me that she is not an enabler, and one quote from the website that said never stop encouraging them, emotionally supporting them, and loving them. If she has read the book there was a “however” after that quote.
My question is do I stay out of this, or do I fight for my step daughter. My husband stopped enabling for a year now, but again he is passive with talking to his ex-wife. I would love to email the mother and explain that I am not out to be a wicked Stepmom. I am trying to help my stepdaughter. I love her.
 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
Hi Boundaries,

Welcome to our corner of the world. As I was reading your post I was reminded of a post from long ago that is now in the General Archives. It is written from the perspective of a step mom and I've copied it below. She's talking about younger kids but I hope there might be some things that are appropriate for what you need right now.

Again, welcome!

Suz

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/disengaging-essay.181/

Disengaging Essay
This disengaging essay helped me to change my mind frame and in essence salvaged my marriage. I would never wish a difficult child stepchild on anyone, but sometimes things you can't control happens. AprilRayne had posted regarding her difficult child Stepchild problem, and someone asked that I repost this essay. I did not write this, but it came to me at a very desperate point of my life.

Please keep in mind that 'disengaging' is NOT for everyone. Many of you have DHs who are TRULY supportive - which is not the same as DHs who only THINK they're supportive.

I've found that for my friends with whom I've shared this, understanding some background is sometimes critical for real 'disengaging' to begin. A lot of this is opinion, intuition, & a lot is also experience. Please keep in mind that the people in my 'model' are not psychotic. They are relatively normal people with good intentions, husbands & wives who love each other & want to stay married, in SPITE of their step kids!

I believe that men & women convey different facets of life to their children. Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as physical & emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, 'accomplishments' in general. In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families, this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the 'moral authority' to deal with their kids. Most of these men think they've been great parents, & have terrific kids who could be loved by anyone. Then they get divorced & eventually marry us second-wives, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did in the first marriage. The problem is, they have no idea beyond their own personal, limited 'parenting' what is involved in raising kids. One stepmom on one of the boards made the remark 'I just don't understand how his 4 year old son can be sitting directly between him & the TV, & he doesn't see the kid playing with a lighter!' I believe he doesn't see because he's never had to. There has always been a woman in his life who takes care of 'that stuff.'

When we as stepmoms come into the lives of these people, many of us already mothers to our own biokids, we assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new SKs, intending to keep on doing what we've been doing. Even
those who have never had children of their own have those 'mothering genes.' Our problem is that we don't have the bonding with these kids that is required to give us the 'moral authority' to parent our SKs.

The only way we can get that 'authority' is through husband, & he must give it to us by expecting & demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience & respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive husband. Most of them THINK they are supportive, & many of US think they are supportive. But
unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue & sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!

The more we 'nag' & point out what's wrong with their kids, the more convinced they become that at the least, we have no parenting skills, & at the worst, we are child abusers. The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we do, the less our DHs have to do. Which is exactly the way they want it. They would rather we didn't scream so much, but we're getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we are red in the face, they go to bed when we are spewing spittle). Dad can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn't fool with this stuff. But he's still thinking we're crazy, & can't understand why we're so mean to his kids. In addition, our 'criticism' of his kids is seen as a criticism of him.

husband is not a mother, has never been a mother, & doesn't know what it means or requires to be a mother. husband is content being the same parent he has always been, & thinks his kids are fine the way they are. He's just as confused as we are about why we're having so many problems with our SKs, but in his heart, he believes that we are at fault.

Now we come to the kids themselves. Here we have children who, for the most part, have been raised by two parents with whom they are bonded & for whom they accept the power of their bioparents authority. We stepmoms come into their lives with no bond & with no authority. But we blindly assume the role of mother in our own homes, & all the responsibility involved. After the 'honeymoon' with the kids is over, if we even have that period of peace & tranquility, the kids begin to test the waters. Now, keep in mind, they do this with their bioparents too, but quickly submit to the authority of these people for whom they have respected,
admired, and depended on since birth. They look to husband to see what they can get by with, because they have no intention of submitting to our authority until they are made to do so. husband has never involved himself in these struggles between
his ex & his kids, because she can handle it herself. He doesn't see the problem. The kids don't know that he can't see the problem. They think he is giving them unspoken permission to defy us. And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter, more frustrating.

And another amazing thing occurs. In some cases, we give these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated, everything they do infuriates us. And in letting by with disrespectful behavior (& they get by with it because husband doesn't stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of disrespect, & they hone
their cunning on us, gaining an even greater sense of power. We end up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver platter, & they love it.

There we are, doing all the work (laundry, helping with homework, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless), doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles of their shoes. We are raging to our DHs, who can't understand why we're so angry, & we're wondering what
we're doing here, working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling abused & unappreciated by husband AND his kids. Sometimes we think about divorce.

Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:

1. Your SKs are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous 'raising.'
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your husband.
8. Your husband is not a mother.
9. Your husband is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if husband supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your husband. You must allow husband to make whatever mistakes he makes. But first, you must explain to husband & SKs what is happening. This is what you say: 'Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, & I'm completely frustrated & angry all the time. You kids are angry & frustrated with me, & it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, & I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to wash your hands before dinner, & I will not tell you to brush your teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along with each other, & the only way I know to do that is to let your dad be the parent.'

And every time they ask you for something, or ask permission for something, you say 'Go ask your dad.' Your SKs may end up missing out on some terrific things because of your disengaging, but it was a choice they made when they decided to make your life miserable. Never give them the opportunity to treat you disrespectfully.

Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, & to disengage, your battles should be about those things that DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness & cleanliness that you desire (just leave the SKs rooms alone & concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, 'From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed.' Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to husband for his kids to keep their 'stuff,' HE will parent his children, or do it himself. 'If you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal.' Period, no discussion, just do it If it's important to husband for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or do it himself. 'If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, they will be disposed.' Are you getting the idea? If husband chooses to do his children's chore, let him. The aim is NOT to straighten out your SKs deficiencies, it's to get your husband involved with his children, in whatever way he chooses, & to lessen your work load. If the kids are going to be unappreciative, let them be unappreciative of their dad.

You see, the REAL problem is not between you & your SKs, it's between you & your husband. These children are HIS responsibility & if he wants good things for them, he will parent them. If he doesn't care (believe me, he really does!), why should you beat your head against the wall?

My son ALWAYS had a bedtime, my SSs NEVER had a bedtime. Now I tend to my son & let husband tend to his. If he wants them to get a good night's sleep, he will parent them. If it's not important to him, I don't make it my concern.

My husband goes to work at 5:30 AM, which leaves me the task of getting everyone up & ready for school. It used to be a nightmare getting my younger SS up, he would growl & yell & scream & roll over & go back to sleep until I was screaming my lungs out, jerking the covers off. Every day started like that & I was miserable every evening, thinking about my next morning's task. So....I just stopped. I told husband to get him an alarm clock. And I told husband that if he wanted to help his son start his day well, he might consider making sure that SS goes to bed at a reasonable
hour, but that I would no longer make it my concern. SS missed 2 days of school because he wouldn't get up & I refused to make a second trip to take him there. husband decided to parent his son. He did it without being home by using consequences if his son did not get up in time to get ready for school.

The point is this: husband must decide what is important to HIM. You must be willing to put up with some degree of inconvenience to 'allow' him to parent his children. But whatever inconvenience you suffer will be minor compared to the conflict that might be part of your life right now. My husband stepped up to the plate. Your husband might not. But that's HIS decision. Don't expect him to agree with your 'new position.' He doesn't agree with your current position. Don't expect him to like what you are doing - or to be more precise - not doing. The less YOU do, the more HE must do & that will not make him happy. You must remember that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is willing to do himself.

You may be thinking, this is nuts! We agreed to be 'parents' to each other's children. Yes, but he also agreed to be a parent to his OWN children. None of this means that you can't do ANYTHING. It's very likely that husband will need your help. That's OK. The issue here is that husband must ASK you for your help, instead of what you've been doing - assuming the responsibility & being unappreciated for it.

When husband needs something done that he can't do himself (a ride for one of the kids while he's a work, for example), first, you have already told the kids 'Go ask dad.' So husband is REQUIRED to become involved in his children's lives. He now must THINK ABOUT what's involved in raising his kids, & we all know it's a lot of work. And you can agree to help out, only if husband asks. BUT, to disengage, you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to help IF the kids, between now & the event, treat you disrespectfully! And you must refuse to assist next time if husband & the kids don't say 'Thank you.' You also have a RIGHT to have your efforts appreciated.

When you begin to value yourself in this whole relationship by expecting to be treated with respect & appreciation, you'll feel a lot better. When I say 'to value yourself' I mean that if your efforts are not appreciated - don't do it! Sometimes the SKs will think, 'Well, we're in the car on the way to the ballgame, now I'm home free to be disrespectful!' BAM! They smart off to you! Well, turn that car around & take them back home - don't raise your voice or act insulted or point out
how ungrateful they are. Just say 'I'm sorry you've decided to treat me disrespectfully. I must withdraw my offer to take you.'

by the way, these are also good methods of getting your OWN children's respectful behavior!

I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to 'let go.' But it's up to you to make the choice - 'Am I going to continue to live in this awful situation, or am I going to do something about it.' While you fear what will happen to everyone when you 'disengage,' as if the family will fall apart, you will be surprised at the change in your own life. I can't guarantee that everything will turn out the way it has for me, but I can guarantee that you will no longer feel angry, frustrated, resentful, & hurt. The HARDEST part is giving up the need to straighten out these kids & 'change' them into the children YOU want them to be.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Hello Boundaries. I'd like to add my welcome.

Like you, I am the stepmom of 2 adults, and like you we have had quite a rocky road as I have stepped in and out of the "mom" role.

I think the "disengaging" article contains some excellent advice. I have applied many of the lessons to my own life, and get along far better with my step kids as a result.

So glad you've found us, but sorry that your life circumstances brought you here. I encourage you to post as often as you need to. This group has saved my sanity more than once.

Trinity
 

Boundaries

New Member
I want to say thank you for your help. I understand what is being said in the Disengaging Essay. I wish I had this essay 19 years ago. How do I get rid of this feeling of not protecting someone I love? Its like a form of child abuse to me.
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
But, we can't always protect someone we love, especially once they are adults. We're not talking about small children who need to be taught to look both ways before crossing the street. In many cases, these are adults that are aware of the potential consequences, they simply don't care, or, they figure we'll rescue them if they screw up so why should they care?

Stumbling, falling, and suffering consequences for our actions are all important parts of learning and growing. There is no other way to become indepedent. Allowing our children or those we love to suffer their own consequences is not child abuse. in my opinion, in many situations, it is more loving to allow them to suffer, than it is to prevent that suffering. That doesn't make it any easier, however.
 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
Like Crazy said, we are talking about a 24 year old woman, not a child. This is not child abuse by any stretch.

Suz
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Suz, wow. That is the best description of stepparenting I've ever read.

Stepparents do have to realize they are NOT parents. My hub is my first three kids stepfather, not father. He does not try to raise them or correct their mistakes. He is more a friend than a parent.

Stepparents do not have that bonding from the time the kids are born. No matter how much they say they love them, it's easier for them to just get mentally tired of the child's bad behavior than is parents. In this case, we have a grown child and husband and this girl's mother are going to treat her the way they want to treat her and in my opinion nobody should interfer. I'd be major ticked off if a stepmother sent me a book.

I would read the detach stuff that Suz sent you and just let it go. What she did to her mother is between her mother and her. What she does to her father is between her father and her. She doesn't live with you now, so my advice is to take good care of yourself and let her parents handle her because there's nothing you can do about it.

Good luck!:tongue:
 

Boundaries

New Member
I guess its going to take some really hard work. My children had a very wonderful Stepmom. I never had an issues with her. I knew she loved my 3 children. Thank you, for all the material. I will be doing some studing. :tongue:
 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
Boundaries, none of us here have come to these realizations overnight. Some of us have been posting here for years. Read our old posts. Read the archives. There is a ton of info and experience here to benefit from. You are just starting your journey and we are here to help you along.

Suz
 

witzend

Well-Known Member
I want to say thank you for your help. I understand what is being said in the Disengaging Essay. I wish I had this essay 19 years ago. How do I get rid of this feeling of not protecting someone I love? Its like a form of child abuse to me.

I think it helps when we realize that they are adults and we can't protect them any longer. They may not be the adults that we hoped they would be, but there comes a time when you have to let go of their hand and let them make their own way in life. They may step off of the path, but the only sure way back is for them to find their way. We're not them, and they're not us. Everyone gets to make their own mistakes. It's the only way that people grow up.

Be strong, and know that you are not alone.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
I'm stepmom to a 30 year old difficult child. (wow, that makes me feel old!)

It's obvious you love your step daughter. I love mine too and have always done my best to treat her as I would my own bio kids.

Our mom instinct is to step in and rescue like we did when they were little. But once they are adults, stepping in and rescuing our kids from natural consequences of their behavior does not help them. It actually hurts them as they don't learn anything from it. They have no reason to want to change their behavior. As grown children they have to learn to take responsibility for their own behavior, just as we do for ours.

It doesn't mean we don't love them. It means we love them enough to let them fall on their face and learn how to pick themselves back up again and go on.

It's still hard to make the transition from parenting a child to parenting an adult. I have some basic rules I follow that help me. But none of us are perfect. Learning to detach and let your child be an adult is a process. And it is often painful to watch them stumble and fall.

Bio Mom will have to "get" it in her own time. You might want to offer the book as a gift. But she will have to come to her "ahh hah!" moment herself. Just as your husband has.

Welcome to the board. :)

Hugs
 
M

ML

Guest
Welcome Boundaries. And thank you Suz and everyone for contributing to this amazing thread. This is a keeper. I am in a similar situation with a 27 year od SS difficult child that lives with us. I needed this today.
 

Boundaries

New Member
I have made a copy of the Disengaging essay. I will have it close by. When I am overwhelmed with this issue, and my Mother instinct kicks in I will bring out the essay and refresh my boundaries. :whiteflag: Thank you all .
 
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