Very sad news about klmno

[susiestar]

Flutter is right about her name, or at least that is what klmno told me about it back in the day. She truly had a very difficult road and often there didn't seem to be even a single option that made even a tiny bit of logical sense to her. Or even a bit of illogical sense. I very well remember her struggles to find someone, anyone, anywhere at all who could help her son. I have missed her since her son died as we were close at times, esp because our boys had that same drive to do exactly the opposite of whatever seemed reasonable, and seemed to find people too argue on their behalf even when what they wanted made no sense. I can remember more than a few threads & private messages about this type of thing.

I hope that she is at peace now, a peace that eluded her for many years even before her beloved son died.

As to if there were warnings, aren't there usually? But you have to be willing to accept help before anyone can do anything regardless of how many warning signs exist or are seen. After the years of truly ineffective (and in my humble opinion shamefully irresponsible) "treatment" from many different mental health providers, and considering that often the help that she was forced to submit her child to was harmful to her child & her relationship with her child, klmno would not have accepted help under any circumstance that I can imagine.

I truly wish effective help had been available and that she would have accepted it for herself and her son.

 

[recoveringenabler]

R.I.P. klmno.

 

[Copabanana]

So much comes up for me. What life must have been for her.

There is the worst fear. And being unable to stop it. The interminable questioning, could it have been stopped. Anything done differently to change the outcome?

That is the same for each of us.

How we blame ourselves.

How our children are our dreams. And we lose them. And with that, it feels like we have lost our own lives, ourselves. And sometimes wish to.

This is why her story, we cannot escape from. Because it is our own. We may run from it but we cannot hide. In our nightmares there is no escape.

Which one among us has not been there?

I almost no longer want to post. For so many reasons. I want to renounce my membership in this club. But how? When the agony comes there is nowhere else to go.

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

I truly understand klmno. I cant say I would not have done the same. Not only did she lose her only beloved child, but he was killed by another and there was no justice for him. It was the most horrific story ive read here. It was truly a nightmare that should not have happened.

I dont know how one recovers from that, the way it went down.

My prayers are truly with both of them. Our men in blue need to learn better ways to handle our mentally ill kids since in our country they almost deal with them more thsn doctors. Things need to change so that mothers like klmno never have to experience her horror.

R.I.P.

 

[pasajes4]

How tragic. This is unacceptable.

Things need to change so that mothers like klmno never have to experience her horror.

We need to be the change. We need to be involved in our communities, hospitals, police departments. It is not enough to say change is needed. Who better than us to get involved.

 

[witzend]

Well put, Marcie. I think that we were as good friends as we could be, and we understood her pain in the abstract but we couldn't share her pain or lighten it for her. We would have if we could, but the load was too heavy and that loss can't be shared.

 

[slsh]

Utterly heartbroken to hear this. She was a true warrior mom, and offered so much support in spite of what she was dealing with. My heart aches, knowing that she reached this point.

She crossed my mind just last week, as do so many of the parents who walked with me way back when. Suz, Fran, Did-I, Hounddog, Judy, Ant's mom, Sharon, Marcie, Star, Janet, Linda, JJJ, DDD, Pico, Jerri, Blondie, Joybells, Nancy, Kris, Mistmouse... and so many others whose details I remember but names escape me. I remember that if stranded on a desert island, Suz would take her mascara. And Did-I introduced me to the concept of washing my walls. And DDD once painted her bathroom peach. They/you have touched my life in so many many ways, and I hold you close in my heart.

It's not just the advice about our kids - it's that shared space in time. The fellowship of being with folks who have a decent chance of understanding our own struggles while at the same time sharing the mundane as well.

I hope we were a soft place for klmno.

Bless her.

 

[svengandhi]

I remember her story and am saddened that she never attained justice for her son and that she felt unable to go on.

 

[Nomad]

So many of those names are warmly familiar. I recall Kris in particular...now gone. Such wonderfully wise advise.

This has been a helpful group to me and so many others.

Our losses are strong, deep and often unique. Not everyone will understand.

Surely klmno felt comfort coming here...I feel confident that she did.

 

[TerryJ2]

jal, i may have been one who said something about knowing. She had posted here, and on FB, to please forgive her, on several occasions... and we'd panic and type in notes and try to get ahold of her. The one who tried the hardest was deleted from the "Friends" link. No good deed goes unpunished.
When someone wants to do something, they will do it. And she planned it out. Her will, prepaid funeral expenses, donations to charity. She had been hospitalized and went through PTSD therapy.
He was an only child. To my knowledge, the father never even knew that she was pregnant. She was intensely, intensely, personal. There was just no changing her.
And frankly, it was her choice. So many people read of suicides in the newspaper, and their responses are, "What about the children left behind? What a selfish act!" But this was BECAUSE of her child. I would not deprive her of that selfish act in this case. There was just too much pain. And unlike others' whose causes take off (America's Most Wanted, Adam, comes to mind), she had no success with that. In fact, her efforts and lack of success just seemed to just add fuel to the flame.

 

[jal]

Thank you Terry for clarifying that. I didn't realize the extent she went to.

 

[witzend]

As I recall, she cut off not just the one who tried so hard to steer her away from this, she cut off just about anyone who did anything beyond listening. Listening was all a lot of us could do. It wasn't something that any of us could really understand in the way that she did, and she knew it. Of course we have had many traumas, some more than others. But when you realize that your trauma is almost unique, and that the only close person you had in your life is gone, I don't know how to help someone get past that because I would have given up too.

There was so much ugly talk over that period of time (not from us but in general, everywhere) about kids being killed by police.I'm sure that people who make grand statements about it never think that one of those kid's mother might see that. I'm sure that there are others in the world who are cruel and don't care. I don't know how she stood it.

jal, i may have been one who said something about knowing. She had posted here, and on FB, to please forgive her, on several occasions... and we'd panic and type in notes and try to get ahold of her. The one who tried the hardest was deleted from the "Friends" link. No good deed goes unpunished.
When someone wants to do something, they will do it. And she planned it out. Her will, prepaid funeral expenses, donations to charity. She had been hospitalized and went through PTSD therapy.
He was an only child. To my knowledge, the father never even knew that she was pregnant. She was intensely, intensely, personal. There was just no changing her.
And frankly, it was her choice. So many people read of suicides in the newspaper, and their responses are, "What about the children left behind? What a selfish act!" But this was BECAUSE of her child. I would not deprive her of that selfish act in this case. There was just too much pain. And unlike others' whose causes take off (America's Most Wanted, Adam, comes to mind), she had no success with that. In fact, her efforts and lack of success just seemed to just add fuel to the flame.

 

[Copabanana]

You know, I watch the news a lot and have watched the public support and community for parents of children killed by police and other violent acts.

But that support seems like it comes with a price: Choosing to be visible and to lend your story to being publicized. A very public parading of your grief.

It sounds like KLMNO would not have welcomed that trade off or borne it well.

I am remembering about a highly sensationalized crime, a kidnap, molest and killing of a girl with divorced parents, Polly Klaas. The father became a celebrity and later a victims rights advocate and a member of the parole board of my state. To me he seemed like a highly vindictive man. The mother grieved in private. I never heard of her again.

None of us knows how we would deal with the loss of everything. We think we might, but we do not. In my case, when my son began to crash and burn, I thought I had lost everything. I had nobody. But I did have my work. And later M. What I would have done to make meaning out of a life I felt had completely become empty, myself a person with nothing, I do not know.

I would like to think I would have found somebody, something to do constructive, like foster children or animals. Something. But when I was at my worst, I lived in my bed. For over two years, and my son had not been killed violently within my hearing. He was very much alive.

Who is to know, what they would do. I understand her act. Still I wish she had seen found another way.

I wonder if on some level she blamed herself, and that was the horrible self-accusation that she could not move beyond? And she decided on the death penalty, for what she may have perceived as her failure to save her child.

What we do here together here on CD is save each other's lives. Or at least try.

COPA

 

[Stella Johnson]

I pray she finds the peace she could never find here on earth. I can't imagine what she want through and I hope none of us ever have to.

 

[mom_to_3]

I just thought about her last week and wondered how she was doing. I am so, so sorry to hear this. I remember her story and what a sad story it was. It seemed nothing she did helped and she couldn't get anyone to help her anywhere with her son. I know she tried hard! I honestly don't know how a mother could go on after all she had experienced for so many years. RIP KLMNO, you showed how full of love your heart was for your son while he was living and also after his death. What a disservice to mankind was that senseless act towards her son!

This service was too late for us to use when we were having problems with our daughter, But it is available today.........

I wish EVERY police department would have a Mobil Crisis Outreach Team like our county does. I am including links so you all can see what the program is and maybe present it to your local community.
http://bbtrails.org/hear-our-story/
http://bbtrails.org/services/crisis-services/ KLMNO's son surly could have benefitted from this service.

 

[Ephchap]

Very tragic. I too hope she found peace and has been reunited with her son

I remember so many names you listed as well, slsh. We all held each other up the best we could and I am eternally grateful for the friends and support

Deb

 

[muttmeister]

I'm an old member and don't come here often but I do check in occasionally. I remember her well. Very sad. RIP

 

[Nancy]

Nice to "see" you muttmeister.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Another old timer who remembers klmno, her difficult child, and the tragedy of his death.

Now this.

RIP

 

[DammitJanet]

Boy do I remember. I am surprised my son didn't tell me this.