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Very scared
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 648040" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Sheila, I'm so sorry this continues for you. It is a terrible thing to watch on the sidelines as our troubled kids make poor choices and live the consequences of those choices. </p><p></p><p>Like you, and many other parents here, I chose to detach from my daughters requests, from her lifestyle choices, and in some ways from her. Little by little I got through the emotions of it and little by little she picked up the slack I once provided. Little by little our relationship improved, in direct proportion to my letting go of the reigns of her life and offering them back to the rightful captain of her ship.</p><p></p><p>At some point, our parenting of them in the old way ceases to be a positive and starts to be a negative. Even our troubled kids are supposed to get onto their own path, follow their own dreams, live their own destiny's. Even if those destiny's lead them to what we consider a terrible place, or a place to fear. I had to come to grips with the sheer powerlessness of my place in my daughter's life and her choices. It was not easy. I had to override my strong desire to save her, protect her, support her and take care of her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Like you, I cried a lot. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and getting as much support as I could. The support helped me so much, kept me on the straight and narrow, kept me from falling back time and time again, reminded me that this was not my life to live, this was her life, her choice. I had to let go of so much, my dreams for her, my desire for her to be happy and safe, my wish to have a close connection to her........I had to let her go in to her own fate, recognizing that I could not go with her and she could not live effectively here in my world either. I had to let go of my judgements of her life and realize that I don't know what is best for her. I let her go in to the loving sphere of my perception of a Higher Power, to find her own way. She is still homeless........and she is okay. </p><p></p><p>Our kids have their own lives to live. We have our lives to live. Once they are grown adults, the valley between those two can become a vast region of the unknown, of uncertainty. I've had to learn to live within that uncertainty and be (relatively) okay with it. It's been a challenge and a blessing as well. <em>Life</em> <strong>is </strong>uncertain and chaotic so in learning to let go, it's given me new tools to live a more peaceful life. There is a saying I've become fond of lately, "Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional." We have the power to move beyond the suffering and choose to have a peaceful and joyful life in spite of the choices our kids make. That was my intention. I can't control what my daughter does. I didn't create it, nor can I change it. Accepting that was hard, but in the acceptance of it, my life changed. So did hers. </p><p></p><p>Going through the grief of it is essential. As 2m2r said, there is no way to get to the other side, but through. You are making good healthy choices in my opinion. Choices that don't necessarily feel good. However, choice by choice, your load lightens, step by step, it gets easier. Whatever happens, you've already done ENOUGH. That is an important place to get to. We need to know we did all we could. You did. So did I. So, let go and have faith that everyone is in the exact appropriate place they are meant to be for their own souls' growth. We don't know what that is. But, we owe it to ourselves to take our own lives and live them as fully, as joyfully, as peacefully and as lovingly as we can. </p><p></p><p>Stay close to the board, stay the course, get as much support as you can and be VERY, VERY kind and nurturing to yourselves (you and your husband) Take care of yourselves, put the focus on yourselves now.........it's time to let go...........I'm glad you're here........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 648040, member: 13542"] Sheila, I'm so sorry this continues for you. It is a terrible thing to watch on the sidelines as our troubled kids make poor choices and live the consequences of those choices. Like you, and many other parents here, I chose to detach from my daughters requests, from her lifestyle choices, and in some ways from her. Little by little I got through the emotions of it and little by little she picked up the slack I once provided. Little by little our relationship improved, in direct proportion to my letting go of the reigns of her life and offering them back to the rightful captain of her ship. At some point, our parenting of them in the old way ceases to be a positive and starts to be a negative. Even our troubled kids are supposed to get onto their own path, follow their own dreams, live their own destiny's. Even if those destiny's lead them to what we consider a terrible place, or a place to fear. I had to come to grips with the sheer powerlessness of my place in my daughter's life and her choices. It was not easy. I had to override my strong desire to save her, protect her, support her and take care of her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Like you, I cried a lot. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and getting as much support as I could. The support helped me so much, kept me on the straight and narrow, kept me from falling back time and time again, reminded me that this was not my life to live, this was her life, her choice. I had to let go of so much, my dreams for her, my desire for her to be happy and safe, my wish to have a close connection to her........I had to let her go in to her own fate, recognizing that I could not go with her and she could not live effectively here in my world either. I had to let go of my judgements of her life and realize that I don't know what is best for her. I let her go in to the loving sphere of my perception of a Higher Power, to find her own way. She is still homeless........and she is okay. Our kids have their own lives to live. We have our lives to live. Once they are grown adults, the valley between those two can become a vast region of the unknown, of uncertainty. I've had to learn to live within that uncertainty and be (relatively) okay with it. It's been a challenge and a blessing as well. [I]Life[/I] [B]is [/B]uncertain and chaotic so in learning to let go, it's given me new tools to live a more peaceful life. There is a saying I've become fond of lately, "Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional." We have the power to move beyond the suffering and choose to have a peaceful and joyful life in spite of the choices our kids make. That was my intention. I can't control what my daughter does. I didn't create it, nor can I change it. Accepting that was hard, but in the acceptance of it, my life changed. So did hers. Going through the grief of it is essential. As 2m2r said, there is no way to get to the other side, but through. You are making good healthy choices in my opinion. Choices that don't necessarily feel good. However, choice by choice, your load lightens, step by step, it gets easier. Whatever happens, you've already done ENOUGH. That is an important place to get to. We need to know we did all we could. You did. So did I. So, let go and have faith that everyone is in the exact appropriate place they are meant to be for their own souls' growth. We don't know what that is. But, we owe it to ourselves to take our own lives and live them as fully, as joyfully, as peacefully and as lovingly as we can. Stay close to the board, stay the course, get as much support as you can and be VERY, VERY kind and nurturing to yourselves (you and your husband) Take care of yourselves, put the focus on yourselves now.........it's time to let go...........I'm glad you're here........ [/QUOTE]
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