Very Upset

[DammitJanet]

I have seen this stuff first hand many times. Im sorry you are going through this.

Honestly this is why I have really curbed my computer and internet usage now. When I first got my computer I was pretty much addicted to the thing. I spent ungodly hours on it. I was especially drawn to chatrooms and sites that had to do with sex and naughty play. But they chatrooms didnt have to be about sex for people to get caught up in overly emotional ties either. I have seen it too many times. Tony and I got the giggles and had some fun making up a fake person and going into a sex room and pretending to be someone fabulous and getting hit on. It was all fantasy. I couldnt stop there though. I had a problem. I am bipolar. I take things too far, too fast. Im the one who kept going looking, found people who would play with me. Who would do sex chats. I could be anyone. It was great! Here I was this fat, middle aged mom, working my butt off dealing with difficult child's, but people would think I was some hot young sex southern gal. I even did the phone stuff. People tell me I have an amazing phone sex voice...lmao.

I really hurt Tony. Im not gonna go into all the details but lets just say that I had a major manic episode that led to me almost losing my family. Actually a couple. I was hurt, he was hurt. I will never do that again. I dont look for that kind of excitement or attention from a screen anymore. I learned I am more than that. I can have friends who can like me for who I am that dont need me to show them sex or talk to them about sex. Like here. Here I am safe. Thats probably why I dont leave this site.

I dont know what your husband is doing or not doing but it is horrible to do that to someone. It breaks all trust. When you get caught...and you will...it is so hard to get that trust back. Tony wanted to bust my computer to smithereens. Thankfully he didnt. He gave me a chance to prove I could learn from my mistakes. I did. We grew from it. We are almost 28 years in...will be in July. Nothing on this computer is worth that.

 

[busywend]

Proud of you Janet!!!!

 

[DDD]

I think you are really wise choosing to share in the safety of the CD family and not talking to any relatives or friends. It can be a big relief sharing with those who know and love you but their anamosity can continue long after you have resolved the situation and interfere with the healing process.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Although unusual I think you are wise to verify before talking to husband. Based on your description of your husband (similar to mine in many ways) makes it possible that he just fell into a situation and doesn't know how to get out of it. It's quite possible that he is stepping up to the plate because he feels you aren't feeling well and need a helping hand. I hope so. Hugs DDD

 

[Mamaof5]

Regardless of whether it is what I suspect, and the key logger pretty much confirms it but surprisingly not the person I thought he was having an emotional affair with unless it's more than one person. The IMVU 3D chat is gone. I hate that thing, it's...digusting, blatent sex in that 3D chat. Nude characters with the correct anatamy, dirty dances and what not. He took me off his FB account (the one that's fake, called Nemo) that is associated with all this IMVU stuff, lucky for me he uses the same passwords for everything (dumb ***). Yes, I'm very crude and rude today. I found a video of his character dirty dancing with one of the girl characters on there that I had asked him to not to do. Along with a picture too.

I will be giving him an ultimatum today, if he wants to save this marriage and family the IMVU is gone, the "so called friends" are gone, the Yoville is gone, he shows me everything that I haven't seen and the two extra fake profiles on FB I've reported already but they are gone too. That's it, he's going to have to work damned hard to make this work again. I have absolutely no trust in him right now. NONE.

What hurts more is he hurt the kids the most and the kids don't even know it.

 

[susiestar]

I am SO SORRY. This was completely wrong of him - COMPLETELY!!! I really hope and pray that the two of you can work out whatever is the best thing for your family, and that the two of you can work together as effective and good parents regardless of what works out as far as your marriage. This is not going to be easy whether you stay and work things out or one of you leaves and you divorce. If you have a therapist that you can work with, please call them. An in-person unbiased source of support is going to be crucial to working through this in a healthy way, no matter what your choices are. Also see your doctor (psychiatrist if you have one) because this is so terribly stressful. make sure you are healthy and the stress isn't going to make health problems worse - essp if you have high blood pressure, migraines, etc... The kids need you to be as healthy as possible.

DDD has excellent advice. Many times when our loved ones know that we have been hurt they become very angry at the person who hurt us. Even if WE work through things and forgive the one who hurt us, our loved ones find it harder to forgive and move on. They can say and do things that will make future relationships very very difficult - and they can heap shame and blame onto our pain.

I am NOT saying to not tell anyone. Just to be sure that they will honor your decisions during and after this ordeal.

Whatever you do, you have total support from me. Sending lots of hugs and love.

 

[Mamaof5]

I'm all good, I know where I lay with this. I won't be leaving him or kicking him out. We're not the type of couple to not work it out. I'm stronger than that. I don't have a therapist (small town but they do have a councelling service here from the detox center and they deal with so much more than just detox, they offer to the whole community on all issues). I know I'm going to need to be put back on Anti-D with this sitch, I won't be able to get through it without being on antidepressants. Another thing he ruined in a way, I was proud to be off and coping with life successfully without. I'll end up resenting him for that for awhile which I know is normal.

I'm done crying about it, what's done is done and now we need to fix it. I've come to realize a few things: 1. I think that he maybe got stuck in an inappropriate situation and didn't know how to get out of it 2. He can (like Janet said) be anyone he wants to be on IMVU or Yoville. He's unhappy about his weight, he's gained a few pounds from being a driver. He's probably feeling very stressed and stuck with special needs kids and 5 of them in the first place. We don't have a date night, never had an opportunity to have dates straight from the beginning of the relationship. It was...unique. I lived in Montreal when we got together, finished the last bit of my cegep (college) then moved to Ontario straight into moving in with him in December, June of 2000 I was pregnant unexpectantly with our first. We didn't get a chance to be just a couple for very long.

He's 34 now and I think he misses being single (hell I do too from time to time but that's utterly normal). I think he misses the idea of just being a couple without kids (too late for that mind you but you know, that's normal too) and the appeal of being seen as a bachelor on these chats or something else I understand it. I understand and acknowledge that. I know we'll recover but it will be a lot of work. Unless he's seriously not wanting to, the ball will be in his court when I'd done getting my say tonight. I'll respect his decisions and I'm done crying about it. I'm done being hurt about the initial discovery and the betrayal but he's not done working it out that's for sure. I know he cares and loves his family, I know he knows it's wrong because some of the conversation he avoids her "innuendos" and come ons even when I know I haven't been in the room for long periods. He tells her to behave and stop. So he knows it's wrong, he feeling guilty about it. He tossed and turned last night for a good 20 minutes and he's a "hit the pillow, fall asleep right away" type.

He knows already I know without him being told. I don't know how he does, perhaps we still have that almost psychic connection after all that couples seem to get to having when they've been together for some time. I'm willing to work on it, I just don't know if he is or wants to. I'm thinking "mid life crisis" kind of deal here.

I'm going to be doing stuff for me now so that I can keep healthy and emotionally stable. I'm going back to my roots, I'm going to go to the local Gym and Dojo and I'm going back to the activities I used to do. I want to strengthen my core back up, get my flexibility back and get back in shape. My new new years late resolution out of this situation is MY health. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. I know it'll be a long road because of the illnesses I have but I'll work up to it. I'm going to get my cardiologist and hopefully a new doctor in Blind (chick that volunteers at the food bank gave me a number for a doctor 45 minutes out to Blind that's taking patients) and I'm going to get back to me. I need to center myself. He needs to center himself. We need to center ourselves together too.

I'm feeling remarkably better today now that I made the decisions I needed to make (huge weight off the shoulders). I think I'm going to quit smoking too this year, I'm going to get back to putting me first. I guess this is my wake up call in life too...things maybe do happen for a reason.b I'm also going to join both a grief support group and survivors group for infidelity. There's a grief support group in town. I will also be getting my driver's license back (had one over 10 yrs ago, let it expire) and I will make my life better whether he choses to be in it or out of it.

I'm not a b either. I would never take my children's father from them. Won't even go to court for it. If that bridge must be crossed we will cross that on a united front regardless of what is between us or not. My kids deserve their father, and he is a great father. I won't be like my mother and be vindictive and take have his CPP (pension plan) or OPP or EI or anything like that. I don't even need allimony. I know, if it came down to divorce, he would financially support his kids. He's always sacrificed himself for his kids and me no matter how hard it was. THAT he is too good at, THAT he is phenominal at. This is just a hiccup in the road of life. I will get through this because I know I can.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Good for you Mama - you sound like you have your head completely on your shoulders!

 

[DDD]

Great choices. DDD

 

[AnnieO]

First, more than anything else - HUGS. Lots of them.

I've seen this happen several times, and it could have even happened with me (though I saw where things were going and shut it down). Technology is great, and horrible at the same time.

Fact - XH was addicted to internet nasties. I didn't realize it until after I'd left, but this is not as uncommon as people think. I felt betrayed all over again.

The kids are hurt because he is using time he could be with them, to be online.

in my opinion - I would tell him... "We talk a lot, but you know it seems you're being secretive and it's bothering me... What can WE do to work this out?" See if he comes clean. Even a reasonable amount. A friend of mine's husband was doing all this, all but physical, and he had no idea how much it was bothering her. I told her to talk to him - and it stopped.

We used to laugh at cybersex. Now it's gotten much, much worse. Texting, facebook, and so on. He can stop, and attempt to repair the damage. No, it's not easy to stop - I went through texting withdrawal - and it's hard to repair the damage (fortunately mine didn't get THAT far, whew) - and maybe he will lose a friend - but better a friend than his family.

If he is non-confrontational... Then it should be (relatively) easy to just NOT respond to her. IF HE WANTS TO.

Last... More hugs. I know how this feels. Too well.

 

[Marguerite]

You sound like you've already come a long way doen the road to resolving this.

A few thoughts - first, he's male. And young (by my standards). As you said, he didn't get much time with you as a couple without kids. Blokes have a different attitude to sex and sexual matters, as a rule. They can flirt and to them it's mostly about the physical release. They can have a very strong emotional tie to their partner, but still cheat emotionally even knowing it is wrong, because of the thrill of it and the physical outlet. You can bet, even if he is not physically having sex with anyone else, he is fantasising and getting off on it. It's a bloke thing.

Fantasy is one thing, most people do it. How many times have you visualised Brad Pitt instead of your husband when you have sex? How many of you have a French maid's outfit in the bottom of the wardrobe? I'm not saying it's right, but it is common. It becomes a problem when it brings barriers or secrets.

In this case, he could well have got caught up in the fun and thrill of it without anticipating the problems. To him it is probably just fun (and wow, someone from afar finds him attractive, seeks him out and is flirting with him! It is a huge ego boost that he apparently feels he needs). But now he doesn't know how to stop and perhaps wonders if he needs to stop - after all, it's not like he will ever see her or actually do anything. yeah, right.

The problem is - it's not fair on you. It's not fair on the kids. And he also needs to know, it's not fair on this woman, who may not (almost certainly does not) realise the relationship you have. Too often the other woman believes it is a dead relationship they're playing with. How often have you heard, "But he said their marriage was over - he was going to leave her for me!" Your husband may not have said anything like this, but some vulnerable women will build up castles in the air and romantic fantasies and believe it, even if it's not been said.

Now, I don't know if my husband is/has ever cheated on me or not. I would lay strong odds that he has not. He knows he could tell me, if he had. But we also have a relationship where are are very physical with each other. Not necessarily sex (that can be a problem for us, for various reasons health-related) but in many other ways, we do not take each other for granted. We will grab at each other as we pass, pull in for a hug or long kiss. We hold hands in public (even in church) which has upset some people who find this yucky. Stuff'em. It is the way we are. I can give him what he cannot easily get anywhere else. And vice versa.

There was a time, before we were married, where husband got caught up in an emotional relationship with another female. From my own analysis, the other woman pursued him. He walked right into it and had no idea, then found himself in too deep and felt so darn guilty he told me everything. I felt very confident tat he was my man and never any other woman's. He introduced me to this other woman - she as his friend, me as fiance. He did not see the look she gave me - pure poison. She had known she was chasing someone else's man and had continued anyway. And when she met me, she knew she had lost. Had actually never had a chance. husband, the darling oaf, never saw it at all. He is a darling, honest, naive man who was blundering through his romantic life in one straight line, and various women who threw themselves at him were hanging on his coattails and he had no idea of their emotional investment, because he was only looking at me. You can't know what it does for a girl's ego.

But we do have to keep working at it. He gets tempted, I'm sure of it. it is my job to make sure he gets more out of being married to me happily, openly and honestly, than out of going behind my back and having an illicit affair. Please note - I write this knowing he will be reading every word, before I get to talk to him about it. We not only share passwords but he reads every word I write.

Another concern about your husband - if you have a go at him for being secretive, will he be able to attack you for spying on him? Mind you, I do think you are justified and he has no grounds to get snippy. But be prepared for him to possibly get snippy and have your answer ready.

Good luck with this one. And good for you to work on things and resolve them. Too many people walk away, which frankly is a lot more difficult in the long run with all the complications it causes.

Marg