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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 636502" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>His sister's life path was determined by her mental illness. You and your husband's life path was determined by his sister and him. My life path was determined by my mentally ill parents. Obama's life path was determined by his mother and his father. Gandhi's life path was determined by what happened to him as a young man. Everyone on the planets life path was determined by their family, their environment, their fate. So, how exactly is he any different then the rest of us, and why does his life path get to be someone else's fault and responsibility so that they should give up their life for his? I don't get it. Nor should you. I am angry at him because he is a a grown up toddler who feels he can manipulate you into believing that since lately he has bestowed upon you his royal presence, he now gets to make absurd requests of you because you should feel guilty about his choices and his weeniedom. I'm sorry, but I am not manipulated by him, nor am I guilty, nor am I about to feel responsible for his sorry ass. I am angry for you. You should be furious that he would even entertain such a ridiculous idea. You should be furious that he tried to steal your home from you and guilt you into feeling sorry for him so you would give it to him. </p><p></p><p>HE CHOSE HIS LIFE PATH. HE CHOSE HIS LIFE. HE CHOSE IT ALL.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you spent such a bad night. I know how you feel. I've spent those nights too, feeling very similar to you. Only it's way easier for me to see the absurdity of it when it's YOUR son and not MY daughter. </p><p></p><p>I wondered when you mentioned that he had been calling and speaking to your husband. I wondered what he was up to. He was preparing you, he was setting the scene, getting back in to the fold to some degree while he figured out when to strike, probably sensed some vulnerability in you, they have a certain radar for that............you were probably in a weakened state that he either knew about or could intuit........and then..........go in for the kill. </p><p></p><p>You wouldn't give him any more money so he figured out a way to get it in another way, get the house, sell it and make the money that way. </p><p></p><p>Oh Cedar, don't let that energy in. Don't go down that old path. You DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You ALWAYS ALWAYS do your very best and I know that you did your best with both of your children. Your son knows where you feel weak, where he can get to you, he can do it with your guilt about his sister being given so much attention because of her illness. Couldn't that be said about any one of us with our siblings...........my brother was favored simply because he was a boy. Did I spend my life lamenting about that? No. I didn't. It is what it is. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Once you pull yourself back together Cedar, take a good hard look at this. Really look hard. This is who your son has become. This is who he is. He is 39 years old. He is not 17. He is not a little boy. He is an opportunist. He is a manipulator. He is a jerk to speak to his mother the way he did. Do not allow his nasty self to upset you anymore. Sometimes, here on this forum, our adult kids act so badly, act so reprehensibly, are so cruel, or mean, or selfish, that it literally forces us to see them for who they are, not who we want them to be, or who we thought they were, or who they want us to see, but who they REALLY are. <em>This is who your son really is Cedar. This is it.</em></p><p></p><p>What son who is healthy and intact speaks to their mother in the way your son has spoken to you. It is abuse. It is not okay for you to take it on. He dumped his nastiness on you and you accepted it and choked on it all night while he walked away free with the hope that you would give in to his demands because he caught you off guard and tried to annihilate you. </p><p></p><p>I am angry. He knew exactly what he was doing. Exactly. He knew you were vulnerable. It was a perfect storm. Next time he tries this Cedar, next time, you won't react this way. This is the last time. This is it. Now you know who he is, what he is capable of doing, what he is willing to do for his own gain. </p><p></p><p>I recall going through something similar with my daughter. It wasn't the same kind of thing, but the outcome for me was to recognize who she really is. And that freed me of it. The acceptance of what is. He showed you the truth of who he is. Believe him. Believe it. You may be the only one left who doesn't know who he really is. I know I was the last to know. </p><p></p><p>Wrap yourself up in self love Cedar. There are abusers in your life and your son is one of them. Remember those closed up eyes, I think they just got opened up.</p><p></p><p>Many hugs to you my friend. Saying a prayer for you and your husband. You don't deserve this treatment. I am sending you truckloads of love and warm wishes..............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 636502, member: 13542"] His sister's life path was determined by her mental illness. You and your husband's life path was determined by his sister and him. My life path was determined by my mentally ill parents. Obama's life path was determined by his mother and his father. Gandhi's life path was determined by what happened to him as a young man. Everyone on the planets life path was determined by their family, their environment, their fate. So, how exactly is he any different then the rest of us, and why does his life path get to be someone else's fault and responsibility so that they should give up their life for his? I don't get it. Nor should you. I am angry at him because he is a a grown up toddler who feels he can manipulate you into believing that since lately he has bestowed upon you his royal presence, he now gets to make absurd requests of you because you should feel guilty about his choices and his weeniedom. I'm sorry, but I am not manipulated by him, nor am I guilty, nor am I about to feel responsible for his sorry ass. I am angry for you. You should be furious that he would even entertain such a ridiculous idea. You should be furious that he tried to steal your home from you and guilt you into feeling sorry for him so you would give it to him. HE CHOSE HIS LIFE PATH. HE CHOSE HIS LIFE. HE CHOSE IT ALL. I am sorry you spent such a bad night. I know how you feel. I've spent those nights too, feeling very similar to you. Only it's way easier for me to see the absurdity of it when it's YOUR son and not MY daughter. I wondered when you mentioned that he had been calling and speaking to your husband. I wondered what he was up to. He was preparing you, he was setting the scene, getting back in to the fold to some degree while he figured out when to strike, probably sensed some vulnerability in you, they have a certain radar for that............you were probably in a weakened state that he either knew about or could intuit........and then..........go in for the kill. You wouldn't give him any more money so he figured out a way to get it in another way, get the house, sell it and make the money that way. Oh Cedar, don't let that energy in. Don't go down that old path. You DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You ALWAYS ALWAYS do your very best and I know that you did your best with both of your children. Your son knows where you feel weak, where he can get to you, he can do it with your guilt about his sister being given so much attention because of her illness. Couldn't that be said about any one of us with our siblings...........my brother was favored simply because he was a boy. Did I spend my life lamenting about that? No. I didn't. It is what it is. Once you pull yourself back together Cedar, take a good hard look at this. Really look hard. This is who your son has become. This is who he is. He is 39 years old. He is not 17. He is not a little boy. He is an opportunist. He is a manipulator. He is a jerk to speak to his mother the way he did. Do not allow his nasty self to upset you anymore. Sometimes, here on this forum, our adult kids act so badly, act so reprehensibly, are so cruel, or mean, or selfish, that it literally forces us to see them for who they are, not who we want them to be, or who we thought they were, or who they want us to see, but who they REALLY are. [I]This is who your son really is Cedar. This is it.[/I] What son who is healthy and intact speaks to their mother in the way your son has spoken to you. It is abuse. It is not okay for you to take it on. He dumped his nastiness on you and you accepted it and choked on it all night while he walked away free with the hope that you would give in to his demands because he caught you off guard and tried to annihilate you. I am angry. He knew exactly what he was doing. Exactly. He knew you were vulnerable. It was a perfect storm. Next time he tries this Cedar, next time, you won't react this way. This is the last time. This is it. Now you know who he is, what he is capable of doing, what he is willing to do for his own gain. I recall going through something similar with my daughter. It wasn't the same kind of thing, but the outcome for me was to recognize who she really is. And that freed me of it. The acceptance of what is. He showed you the truth of who he is. Believe him. Believe it. You may be the only one left who doesn't know who he really is. I know I was the last to know. Wrap yourself up in self love Cedar. There are abusers in your life and your son is one of them. Remember those closed up eyes, I think they just got opened up. Many hugs to you my friend. Saying a prayer for you and your husband. You don't deserve this treatment. I am sending you truckloads of love and warm wishes.............. [/QUOTE]
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