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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 636520" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Ah, Cedar, I am sorry this happened to you. And I chose those words carefully. This happened to you. You didn't cause it, you had no part in it. Its like a car jumped the curb and smacked you. This happened to you. You have no accountability, nothing to answer for, you didn't cause any of this, you just got hit by a car driven by an irresponsible dangerous driver. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I mean really. Give me a freaking break. Like Recovering, my thoughts went immediately to our president. Oh yeah, also my SO, raised by a mentally ill mother who selected inappropriate men who beat her and him (her second husband went to jail for killing an 11 year old boy in a playground when SO was....11) No money, no education, no mentoring, no role models. His boss's wife sexually abused him from when he was 16-17. Now yes, he is totally messed up but....he doesn't think anyone owes him anything. He knows his life, his path, is his to own, to manage. Sorry the stupid driver of that car that hit you doesn't know that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not even for one second did ANY of us feel sorry for him, Cedar. Not one of us reading your story. Not one of us entertained the idea that you should sell your house to accommadate his life failures. Not one of us thought what he did or said had any merit. Just that he is an ass. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well yeah, of course. We all harbor that little part of us that says "but they weren't there, they don't know, only I understand the secret bad things that happened to him, the times I turned away, the times I got angry, the times I neglected or ignored him" We all think that. But really...we all know this when we say...what he said was absurd. And you know this too, you know your weakness...that is why, as you said, you posted to keep yourself honest. To keep yourself on track. To keep yourself (sticking to my metaphor) from being the car that jumped the curb yourself. Because you are honest. YOur son refuses an accountability for his own life. You take on too much for both yours and his. But you are honest, so you hold your impulses, your thoughts, up to the cold light of day, for perusal, contemplation, discussion..so that you can be honest.</p><p></p><p>He doesn't care about being honest, Cedar. </p><p></p><p>Put down the accountability that is rightfully his. Whether he picks it up or not is up to him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ooooh. Yes. I know this place. We all do. Now is the time for you to post, to light candles, to walk in the wind, pet the dogs, have sex with husband (oops maybe too much advice). Post.</p><p></p><p>Would it help to post the things he said? Guilt and badness thrive in secrecy. If you write them down we will pick them apart, hold them to the light, reveal their tattered stupid curb jumping selves for who and what they are. Maybe that will help keep them from setting down roots in your soul. Think about that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, it would be good if you could get to this place. Use this awful interaction to see, for real, who he really is. Maybe the outcome of your bad night will be that you are finally free. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is hard to get past the patterns of believing abusers. You have made a lot of progress...you sowed seeds while the weather was good (and made progress while traffic was flowing? still on the curb jumping thing here). Those seeds have taken root...turn to them. Water them. Think about what you learned as you faced up (in your heart and mind and here on the board) with the abusers of your past. Put his face on them, theirs on his. He is evoking the same reaction as they did. But you aren't a child anymore, Cedar, and you aren't alone anymore. </p><p></p><p>He is a curb jumping texting while driving selfish jerk. Thats it. He has no power, no assets, and no goodness in his soul. He has no power over you.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for trusting us enough to share.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hugs, and butter candles for you today,</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 636520, member: 17269"] Ah, Cedar, I am sorry this happened to you. And I chose those words carefully. This happened to you. You didn't cause it, you had no part in it. Its like a car jumped the curb and smacked you. This happened to you. You have no accountability, nothing to answer for, you didn't cause any of this, you just got hit by a car driven by an irresponsible dangerous driver. I mean really. Give me a freaking break. Like Recovering, my thoughts went immediately to our president. Oh yeah, also my SO, raised by a mentally ill mother who selected inappropriate men who beat her and him (her second husband went to jail for killing an 11 year old boy in a playground when SO was....11) No money, no education, no mentoring, no role models. His boss's wife sexually abused him from when he was 16-17. Now yes, he is totally messed up but....he doesn't think anyone owes him anything. He knows his life, his path, is his to own, to manage. Sorry the stupid driver of that car that hit you doesn't know that. Not even for one second did ANY of us feel sorry for him, Cedar. Not one of us reading your story. Not one of us entertained the idea that you should sell your house to accommadate his life failures. Not one of us thought what he did or said had any merit. Just that he is an ass. Well yeah, of course. We all harbor that little part of us that says "but they weren't there, they don't know, only I understand the secret bad things that happened to him, the times I turned away, the times I got angry, the times I neglected or ignored him" We all think that. But really...we all know this when we say...what he said was absurd. And you know this too, you know your weakness...that is why, as you said, you posted to keep yourself honest. To keep yourself on track. To keep yourself (sticking to my metaphor) from being the car that jumped the curb yourself. Because you are honest. YOur son refuses an accountability for his own life. You take on too much for both yours and his. But you are honest, so you hold your impulses, your thoughts, up to the cold light of day, for perusal, contemplation, discussion..so that you can be honest. He doesn't care about being honest, Cedar. Put down the accountability that is rightfully his. Whether he picks it up or not is up to him. Ooooh. Yes. I know this place. We all do. Now is the time for you to post, to light candles, to walk in the wind, pet the dogs, have sex with husband (oops maybe too much advice). Post. Would it help to post the things he said? Guilt and badness thrive in secrecy. If you write them down we will pick them apart, hold them to the light, reveal their tattered stupid curb jumping selves for who and what they are. Maybe that will help keep them from setting down roots in your soul. Think about that. Cedar, it would be good if you could get to this place. Use this awful interaction to see, for real, who he really is. Maybe the outcome of your bad night will be that you are finally free. It is hard to get past the patterns of believing abusers. You have made a lot of progress...you sowed seeds while the weather was good (and made progress while traffic was flowing? still on the curb jumping thing here). Those seeds have taken root...turn to them. Water them. Think about what you learned as you faced up (in your heart and mind and here on the board) with the abusers of your past. Put his face on them, theirs on his. He is evoking the same reaction as they did. But you aren't a child anymore, Cedar, and you aren't alone anymore. He is a curb jumping texting while driving selfish jerk. Thats it. He has no power, no assets, and no goodness in his soul. He has no power over you. Thank you for trusting us enough to share. Hugs and hugs, and butter candles for you today, Echo [/QUOTE]
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