Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 636570" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>M defaulted on his student loan, too. He knew full well he was going to do it. Not only did he not go to any of his classes, he thought he was going to make a living by being a Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon Master for students at the CC. He called me to ask my advice on that - never once explaining that he knew he was going to be expelled. I told him to add a class that he enjoyed so that he would be doing something pleasant. He had talked a staff member into letting him house-sit and he trashed their house and their car, then he contemplated suicide because it all fell apart. <em>"What"</em> fell apart? Pipe dreams? Yes - pipe dreams fell apart. His education he threw away with both hands, just as he did every other opportunity in his life up until that point. Sad, sad, so very sad. Really. I'm not joking. It <em>was</em> sad. <em>And</em> it was what he chose to do with his life.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child asked you to sell him your house? I can not even imagine having the guts to ask my parents for that. I might have told him to pre-qualify for a loan and we could talk about it, knowing full well that he could never pre-qualify for a loan and the question would be moot but maybe somewhere along the line he might learn something from it. Are you certain that he wasn't asking you to <em>give</em> him the house?</p><p></p><p>This request of his that triggered this in you - I agree with you as far as your wanting to fix it goes. I would add that it was a reality check on him to your mind, though. You have made such great strides, and he is what he is. He could make great strides, too, and maybe he will one day. After all, you were a mess a few years ago and he isn't as old as you were when you started your journey to recovery. I know that 20 years ago when I was breaking free from the tangle that was dealing with L's dad. I had told him if he ever tried to push my buttons again I wouldn't fight it and they'd never see me again. He <em>needed</em> me to keep up scheduled visits so that he could dog around on weekends, so he <em>couldn't</em> make my life hell about it anymore. It was <em>so </em>liberating. I felt free and happy for the first time in years. Of course M was only about 7 - 8 years old and he was still a mess from all of the abuse the family had gone through. It was<em> so hard </em>to accept that I couldn't drag him into recovery with me. </p><p></p><p>SoC, sweety, we have PTSD. Having become functioning happy people who don't have panic attacks on a regular basis doesn't mean that we don't have PTSD. Some days are going to be like that. I think that for me the bleak times seem so bleak because they are so sudden, and there's a fear that "in spite of all the strides I had made I'm still that person I was then." I'm going along being 'like every other person in the world' and then suddenly someone (usually the same people who have always been the someone) says or does something atrocious and I thought I wouldn't care and I did. <em>Of course</em> I'm still the person I was then! And more. And I guess we never stop growing up until we die. You and I, dear SoC, are taking the time and the care to grow up - and that is why it hurts so much.</p><p></p><p>{{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 636570, member: 99"] M defaulted on his student loan, too. He knew full well he was going to do it. Not only did he not go to any of his classes, he thought he was going to make a living by being a Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon Master for students at the CC. He called me to ask my advice on that - never once explaining that he knew he was going to be expelled. I told him to add a class that he enjoyed so that he would be doing something pleasant. He had talked a staff member into letting him house-sit and he trashed their house and their car, then he contemplated suicide because it all fell apart. [I]"What"[/I] fell apart? Pipe dreams? Yes - pipe dreams fell apart. His education he threw away with both hands, just as he did every other opportunity in his life up until that point. Sad, sad, so very sad. Really. I'm not joking. It [I]was[/I] sad. [I]And[/I] it was what he chose to do with his life. Your difficult child asked you to sell him your house? I can not even imagine having the guts to ask my parents for that. I might have told him to pre-qualify for a loan and we could talk about it, knowing full well that he could never pre-qualify for a loan and the question would be moot but maybe somewhere along the line he might learn something from it. Are you certain that he wasn't asking you to [I]give[/I] him the house? This request of his that triggered this in you - I agree with you as far as your wanting to fix it goes. I would add that it was a reality check on him to your mind, though. You have made such great strides, and he is what he is. He could make great strides, too, and maybe he will one day. After all, you were a mess a few years ago and he isn't as old as you were when you started your journey to recovery. I know that 20 years ago when I was breaking free from the tangle that was dealing with L's dad. I had told him if he ever tried to push my buttons again I wouldn't fight it and they'd never see me again. He [I]needed[/I] me to keep up scheduled visits so that he could dog around on weekends, so he [I]couldn't[/I] make my life hell about it anymore. It was [I]so [/I]liberating. I felt free and happy for the first time in years. Of course M was only about 7 - 8 years old and he was still a mess from all of the abuse the family had gone through. It was[I] so hard [/I]to accept that I couldn't drag him into recovery with me. SoC, sweety, we have PTSD. Having become functioning happy people who don't have panic attacks on a regular basis doesn't mean that we don't have PTSD. Some days are going to be like that. I think that for me the bleak times seem so bleak because they are so sudden, and there's a fear that "in spite of all the strides I had made I'm still that person I was then." I'm going along being 'like every other person in the world' and then suddenly someone (usually the same people who have always been the someone) says or does something atrocious and I thought I wouldn't care and I did. [I]Of course[/I] I'm still the person I was then! And more. And I guess we never stop growing up until we die. You and I, dear SoC, are taking the time and the care to grow up - and that is why it hurts so much. {{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
Top