Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 636580" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, there are a lot of assumptions in your post, perhaps more then assumptions, your beliefs, based on an abusive childhood where what you DID was more important then WHO YOU ARE. Makes sense you would come away believing that it is YOUR responsibility to educate your children, provide everything they require in life for as long as they require it, based probably in part from our own wishful thinking that someone would show up and offer that to US. But, that never happened, <u><em>we</em></u> made it on our own. </p><p></p><p>To be overly responsible for another is based in fear, it's based in our own beliefs about our own worth and if we had all that power as a kid to be responsible for our siblings when we were only a child ourselves, we grow up to believe that we have that kind of power, and we DON'T. You can't make your son get educated with all the money in the world. If he wanted to be educated he would be educated. At this point all you are is his scape goat for having ruined his own life and his complete inability to take responsibility for it. When you stop taking responsibility for any of it, even one little tiny segment of it, he will need to find another dumbass to accuse for his ruined life. What a jerk. What a selfish, entitled, spoiled, manipulative, cruel, BRAT with a capital B your son is Cedar. And you know what? You didn't do that to him, he did it all by his own self, because of his lazy ass thinking and tendency to blame, he forfeited a huge chunk of his life already. Dumbass.</p><p></p><p>Who the hell does your son think he is calling you a dumbass????? Who the hell does he think he is to assume you owe him ANYTHING at all once he is passed the age of 18. Who the hell does he think he is? Well, let me see, here's a guess, he thinks he is entitled, he thinks he is privileged, he thinks he is better then anyone else but never having had to prove anything or do anything, deep down inside he knows that isn't really the case so his lack of self respect and self esteem shows its ugly self in the way he treats you. Here's my flash of insight Cedar.......the moment you tell that nimrod of a son of yours to grow up and be a man, to get the hell out of your life until he can act like a man, to stop the sniveling and begging and cruelty and stand up and man up and get the hell out in life and get himself an actual life........that is when he will stop abusing you. He may never wake up from this bratty existence he chose, but it doesn't mean you can't, get him the hell out of your life as fast as you can say, hit the road Jack, and don't look back. And, while you're at it disinherit him legally and send him the papers to show him you did it. As I recall he made another remarkably cruel comment to you about your death and his inheritance. He does not deserve a penny. The best thing you could do is to disinherit him so that for once he would have to actually TRY. Rather then blame. Rather then spit out ugliness to you. </p><p></p><p>He knows all your weak and shaky parts Cedar, and he goes right to them. Tell him "this dumbass just woke up you sniveling jerk and as of Thursday morning, when the papers are signed, you will not get another penny from us now or when we are dead. Put that in your pipe and smoke it."</p><p></p><p>Whew. This really pissed me off. You are just about the kindest and most loving person on this site, you have tried and tried and tried to offer both of your children a life you never got yourself and when I hear how your son treats you it makes my blood boil. I think it's because instead of responding with what I would consider very healthy appropriate anger and disgust, you take it in and allow it to harm you. I get angry for you. His actions, his demands, the way he treats you and talks to you is so outrageous and so inappropriate and so damn unfair and unjustified I want you to stand up to him and yell right in to his bratty face that you will NEVER again allow him to treat you with anything but the respect and dignity that you deserve and until he can, you want him out of your life. End of story. </p><p></p><p>I am out of a similar background as you know and my experience is that as we heal we move through those in our lives from the least important to the most important. And you my friend, have been in to the most important for the last year now. Mom, Sister, Brother, Daughter, Son. One by one, seeing the truth, facing the truth, opening your eyes wide............(the hardest things I've ever done, my whole family too), and once you know the truth, you really can't spring back and not know it. It is pretty ugly. </p><p></p><p>You are a brave soul Cedar. You are not a sissy. You are tackling family of origin issues with what could only be called chutzpa. (my NY self is showing up here) It takes guts to see the truth. It takes guts to open our eyes and see what is really in front of us. It takes guts to let go of what we thought was the truth and let in what is really the truth. It takes guts to let go and to surrender to what is. And, it takes real guts to see our kids for who they are............you're in the middle of that one Cedar. Boy can I empathize. </p><p></p><p>Get angry Cedar. Don't take this one lying down, fight back, take that chutzpa inside you and start shoveling it to those in your life who deserve it. If you need a bigger shovel, I've got one, I'll help you.........we all will. </p><p></p><p>May the force be with you............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 636580, member: 13542"] Cedar, there are a lot of assumptions in your post, perhaps more then assumptions, your beliefs, based on an abusive childhood where what you DID was more important then WHO YOU ARE. Makes sense you would come away believing that it is YOUR responsibility to educate your children, provide everything they require in life for as long as they require it, based probably in part from our own wishful thinking that someone would show up and offer that to US. But, that never happened, [U][I]we[/I][/U] made it on our own. To be overly responsible for another is based in fear, it's based in our own beliefs about our own worth and if we had all that power as a kid to be responsible for our siblings when we were only a child ourselves, we grow up to believe that we have that kind of power, and we DON'T. You can't make your son get educated with all the money in the world. If he wanted to be educated he would be educated. At this point all you are is his scape goat for having ruined his own life and his complete inability to take responsibility for it. When you stop taking responsibility for any of it, even one little tiny segment of it, he will need to find another dumbass to accuse for his ruined life. What a jerk. What a selfish, entitled, spoiled, manipulative, cruel, BRAT with a capital B your son is Cedar. And you know what? You didn't do that to him, he did it all by his own self, because of his lazy ass thinking and tendency to blame, he forfeited a huge chunk of his life already. Dumbass. Who the hell does your son think he is calling you a dumbass????? Who the hell does he think he is to assume you owe him ANYTHING at all once he is passed the age of 18. Who the hell does he think he is? Well, let me see, here's a guess, he thinks he is entitled, he thinks he is privileged, he thinks he is better then anyone else but never having had to prove anything or do anything, deep down inside he knows that isn't really the case so his lack of self respect and self esteem shows its ugly self in the way he treats you. Here's my flash of insight Cedar.......the moment you tell that nimrod of a son of yours to grow up and be a man, to get the hell out of your life until he can act like a man, to stop the sniveling and begging and cruelty and stand up and man up and get the hell out in life and get himself an actual life........that is when he will stop abusing you. He may never wake up from this bratty existence he chose, but it doesn't mean you can't, get him the hell out of your life as fast as you can say, hit the road Jack, and don't look back. And, while you're at it disinherit him legally and send him the papers to show him you did it. As I recall he made another remarkably cruel comment to you about your death and his inheritance. He does not deserve a penny. The best thing you could do is to disinherit him so that for once he would have to actually TRY. Rather then blame. Rather then spit out ugliness to you. He knows all your weak and shaky parts Cedar, and he goes right to them. Tell him "this dumbass just woke up you sniveling jerk and as of Thursday morning, when the papers are signed, you will not get another penny from us now or when we are dead. Put that in your pipe and smoke it." Whew. This really pissed me off. You are just about the kindest and most loving person on this site, you have tried and tried and tried to offer both of your children a life you never got yourself and when I hear how your son treats you it makes my blood boil. I think it's because instead of responding with what I would consider very healthy appropriate anger and disgust, you take it in and allow it to harm you. I get angry for you. His actions, his demands, the way he treats you and talks to you is so outrageous and so inappropriate and so damn unfair and unjustified I want you to stand up to him and yell right in to his bratty face that you will NEVER again allow him to treat you with anything but the respect and dignity that you deserve and until he can, you want him out of your life. End of story. I am out of a similar background as you know and my experience is that as we heal we move through those in our lives from the least important to the most important. And you my friend, have been in to the most important for the last year now. Mom, Sister, Brother, Daughter, Son. One by one, seeing the truth, facing the truth, opening your eyes wide............(the hardest things I've ever done, my whole family too), and once you know the truth, you really can't spring back and not know it. It is pretty ugly. You are a brave soul Cedar. You are not a sissy. You are tackling family of origin issues with what could only be called chutzpa. (my NY self is showing up here) It takes guts to see the truth. It takes guts to open our eyes and see what is really in front of us. It takes guts to let go of what we thought was the truth and let in what is really the truth. It takes guts to let go and to surrender to what is. And, it takes real guts to see our kids for who they are............you're in the middle of that one Cedar. Boy can I empathize. Get angry Cedar. Don't take this one lying down, fight back, take that chutzpa inside you and start shoveling it to those in your life who deserve it. If you need a bigger shovel, I've got one, I'll help you.........we all will. May the force be with you............ [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
Top