Violence

[Malika]

This morning was not good... It all began over eye drops. A doctor has prescribed eye drops for J, who seems to be suffering from hay fever or some other allergic reaction. Sometimes he lets me put them in without fuss, other times there is a major scene over it - crying and struggling. This morning he was crying and wriggling, putting his hands up (after he had initiated the process by reminding me to put his eye drops in!) and I got - knowing it was not a good idea, of course - very frustrated and cross with him. Which then, as it always does, escalated into him being very angry and upset and had him hitting my wrist and then brandishing a (little child's plastic) chair at me, threatening to hit me with it... I calmed down, he calmed down, I talked about the violence and how unacceptable it is, he seemed to understand and accept this. He apologised. By the time he went to school, things were civilised and "normal" again.
But the truth is... I HATE this kind of scene and I find it unacceptable to live like this, to have this kind of violence - threatened violence - and explosions of rage in my own home. If there is anything I want to do with and for my son, and for my life with him; it is to get him to master his explosive and violent proclivities... but... how on earth is this done. Just giving him some medications is clearly not going to do it. We have a few techniques... when I am feeling angry and frustrated with him, I go and pound on a pillow and encourage him to do the same. I try to get him to say "I'm feeling angry, Mummy" rather than hitting out. But the explosions just happen too quickly for him to remember or do that in the moment. Or me, come to that.

 

[HaoZi]

We're still working on it, too. Kiddo has my temper but tends to lack what little patience I do have.

 

[AnnieO]

Keep working on it... We're still not there, and Onyxx is plenty "old enough" to use her words...

 

[Josie]

My daughter stopped doing this kind of thing when we put her on the girlfriend/CF diet. We were going to have to add Seroquel to her Lexapro to control her violent tendencies. Instead, we were able to wean her off everything when we changed her diet. It works like magic for her when she stays on her diet.

Just a thought.

 

[Malika]

Yes, I haven't really considered the allergies thing seriously I guess. It is great that you have discovered that your daughter has this intolerance and have found improvements in her behaviour on this diet. Though to be honest if I did follow something like that, it would make life rather hard - couldn't eat with the others at school, for example... And I guess my instinct, for whatever it's worth, is that that isn't the problem with my son.
The universe has a sense of humour, sometimes, in the chance events it throws up... After worrying about J's violent tendencies today, I had a long impromptu conversation with the assistant teacher when I picked him up from school and she told me how well he is doing, how much progress he has made in all sorts of ways, seems to be developing, sits still now and concentrates on games, exercises, etc for long periods, is frequently helpful with the younger ones and "looks out" for one of his friends who is younger and smaller than him. So I guess there is always hope and we shouldn't forget that

 

[Josie]

Does everyone eat the same thing at his school or can they bring a lunch?

I think it would be hard to do in France. We went there last year for just one day and everything in the restaurant had milk and/or wheat. Luckily, the chef had a friend with the same problem so he consulted with him about what to do. In the US, it is getting easier all the time to do it. In Italy, it is pretty common and restaurants know all about it.

Still, my daughter's life is so much better when she stays on her diet that it is worth the inconvenience. It is also pretty inconvenient to feel all angry all the time. Even she agrees, but she can't resist at times and then we all suffer the effects with her unpleasant mood.

I hope you can find something that works.

 

[Malika]

No, they're not allowed to bring their own lunches... And, yes, France is not the place to be for anyone interested in any kind of diet
We are going to see the doctor on Wednesday to ask about the blood test for thyroid so I will ask about allergy testing at the same time. No idea how this happens but perhaps it can be arranged. To be honest, though, I think J is allergic to not having things go the way he wants

 

[AnnieO]

They're not "allowed" to bring their own lunches?! OMG. That's insane. So if they have someone with a horrible peanut or shellfish allergy what happens?????

 

[Malika]

Well, it's not really insane in this cultural context. Many children here in France go home for lunch (there is a very long lunch break and either parents have a long lunch break themselves and can collect their children for lunch or one of them doesn't work and can collect the child from school; here in the village, of course, that involves a minuscule journey). The children all eat together in the "canteen", a really good three course meal that is brought from the local town every day and J eats at school because when we first moved here I had lots of appointments in the local town during the day. Now he is used to it and I am happy because I know he is eating at least one good meal (he is not a big eater in the evening)! But if a child did have some kind of allergy and couldn't go home to lunch, I am quite sure that in the small and very personalised environment of the school, they would cater to that and find a solution. They have asked me several times if it is okay for J to eat pork, for example, as he is Moroccan and they know he goes back to Morocco regularly...

 

[AnnieO]

Ahhhhh. That makes a LOT more sense. Here, the kids are given half an hour or less - and this includes locker time (recess in elementary school).

This would be great...

 

[Malika]

What are the school hours in the States? Here up until age10, there is school from 9 to 12 in the morning then 1.30 or 2 to 4.30 in the afternoon and from age 10 onwards, until 5 or 5.30 with Wednesdays off to "recuperate"....

 

[AnnieO]

WOW. Actually about the same number of hours our kids go...

Here in my town, it is 8:20 AM to 3:15 PM, with about 25 minutes for lunch around 11 AM. Other towns in the area range from earlier (when I was in HS, 7:15 AM to 2:15 PM) to later (9 AM to 4 PM in some cases). Through 5th grade, it was more like 8:30 to 2:15.

A reason for staggered start times is bussing all the kids in... We had over 900 in Jett's elementary school alone - Kinder through 5th - and we have 4 elementaries, 2 middle and one high...

 

[susiestar]

While allergy testing can be helpful, it is highly unlikely to let you know if the girlfriend/cf diet will help your child. A LOT of people are finding that violent and even autistic symptoms are greatly helped with this diet. We trialed it twice, six weeks each time, before concluding it was not going to make much of a difference for my oldest. The first test he was in early elementary and the second was in fifth grade. Even the highly respected allergy doctor that we saw told us that food allergies and sensitivities are mostly unlikely to show up on allergy testing. Esp if the food that causes the reaction is not a protein. My youngest reacts to artificial sweeteners which are in everything. At first they told us it was impossible, but both my mother and I have the exact same reaction - we can't breathe. It was hard when he had infections as a young child because every single antibiotic liquid has artificial sweetener in it. We had to break open adult strenght capsules and divide them up. (I did find that any of my kids would take ANY medicine that I mixed with chocolate syrup and gave a small taste of plain choc syrup after they swallowed it.

For the eyedrops, why not offer him a taste of chocolate syrup or some other sweet he wouldn't usually get after the drops go in each eye? i mean a small taste after the first eye and again after the second eye. Sometimes the memory of that and knowing it is coming (get the syrup out so he can see it as you do the drops) can help. The deal is, if the drops go in the eyes, he gets the treat immediately. Even if he fusses or tries to push your hand away - a drop goes in, the treat goes in. In time it usually gets easier with this.

As for why he fusses, I don't know what drops you are using, but most allergy eye drops can sting badly if your eyes are irritated. I have tried all but the very newest ones available here and have yet to find one that doesn't sting at least part of the time. I have gone to using plain saline to flush my eyes instead of eyedrops except at the worst of times. The saline will wash the allergens out and own't sting the way the drops do. This may or may not help your son.

Another thing to remember is how HARD it is for our kids to hold it together and do what is expected of them out in public. Then they come home to Mommy and fall apart with all sorts of awful behavior. At his young age it is expecting a HUGE amount for him to behave that well at school. Expecting him to be that way at home isn't realistic. I don't know what problems or diagnosis he has, but it is very typical esp in the years when they are not as good at communicating.

Hard as it is, he melts down at home with you because he trusts that you will always love him no matter what. He feels safe with you and lets his frustration, anger, upset, etc... out. I know it doesn't make it easier in the moment, but remembering this can help.

Also remember that kids generally want to please parents. They want to fit in, we are pack animals. So he likely is doing the very best he can at any given moment. Knowing this, remembering it, can help you keep your emotions more in check and your responses more as you want them to be.

I hope this helps.

 

[Malika]

Thanks, susiestar, some helpful ideas. I did try your chocolate reward with J this morning - that is to say, I explained that I was going to put an eye drop in one eye and then he could have half a chocolate biscuit and so on and he replied: "No, I want the chocolate and not the eye drop...!" Unfortunately you don't know J - his will is the strongest I have ever encountered in man or beast (seriously) and if he doesn't want to do a thing, it's not going to happen... I have lost this battle of the eye drops I'm afraid to confess... but if they really do sting, I have some sympathy.
Truth is, I don't know what his problem is either! And he hasn't had any diagnosis yet... We saw the child psychiatrist this morning and she said that she wasn't ready to make any diagnosis now (suits me) and suggested he goes for group play sessions with other children where apparently he will be evaluated. You are quite right that I need to keep my own frustration in check with him. For some time now I have felt we are in this together - he needs to learn to control his emotions better, and so do I... With an "easier" child I could get away with being irritable and short-fused, but not with this one.
To be honest, I keep J's qualities, and my love for him, to the forefront of my mind, not the difficulties and negativities, otherwise our lives together would be hellish and unmanageable... He is a super little boy who has some difficult edges to his character with which he needs help - that's how I see it for the moment. The ADHD thing... I honestly don't see how a child who concentrates as long and as well as he does can be said to have an attention deficit so I'm not so much based towards that at the moment.
I would be really interested to know if anyone else has a child who is hyperactive without attention problems!

 

[HaoZi]

A lot of it depends on their interest in what they are expected to focus on, as well as their mood, etc., at the time. I'm ADD, my kid is ADHD, but there are certain things that we enjoy and can truly focus on. The problem arises when we get interrupted while focusing, and we often can't get that focus back.