Visit in Jail

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
I am glad hubs is reading along; I share many posts with my hubs as well.

I have been thinking quite a bit about your son and jail and his court date. Your son's story parallels my son's story in many ways.

I don't want to go into details of my son's story, but I will say that the hardest decision we ever had to make involved sitting on our hands while his public defender took weeks to talk to him and months (months!) to meet with him. If it weren't for the strong persuasion of a good friend and recovering addict friend of ours, we certainly would have stepped in. Good lord, who wouldn't?!? No one should have to sit in jail for MONTHS, waiting to even find out which direction they are headed.

As it turns out, our son needed exactly that. He needed to be in such a place of fear and uncertainty that his foundation was completely rocked, and he needed MONTHS to clear his thinking to the point where he was ready to even BEGIN to listen and understand. As parents who desperately wanted our son back, we weren't emotionally equipped to accept that. It took a seasoned pubic defender and a recovering addict to tell us to stand back. I'm so glad we did, and so is our son.

So in addition to my first inclination, which is to say that you and hubs are the victims here and severing all contact for awhile is certainly reasonable and understandable, I also have to say that if the best thing for your son is your only consideration, sometimes the best thing isn't what we would expect at all.

I don't know what's best for your son, and I certainly don't know what life in a jail in Canada is like. Not fun, I'm sure. But I wanted to share our story and say that the right thing to do isn't necessarily to get involved at all, at this stage. Life in the rabbit hole can lead us to make choices that a "good" parent would never make otherwise.
Thanks so much Albie. Our son remains in jail. We will check the daily docket and see if he is coming up for a court date. We have decided no communication is best even for another week or so. The we will see where we stand with son. He is bound to be manipulative, we are prepared for that. We will not bail him out we will not let him come home. This is the road we are on now and we are supporting each other.
 

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
I have often thought, especially since coming to this site, how hard it would be for us, and must be for others, to have an only child who is not doing well. If all we had was Bart it would be much harder for me to handle him emotionally. It is often my other kids and my granddaughter who give me comfort when Bart is so sad.
My heart goes out to mothers and fathers of struggling only children. It is never easy, but I do think your one and only beloved child struggling makes it harder.

Love to all.
SWOT
You nailed it. My tears yesterday were for my sad and broken mothers heart. We have been gipped! Not fair and no others to parent. Today celebrating the parents we were and we must soon our souls with the memories of good parenting and happier times.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Well M has my son down to a T. It still cuts a swath through my innards to think of how deceitful my son could be. And have no remourse just rage and demands.
I think it is helpful, albeit sad, to remember that these are our adult children and they are drugknapped.
Addiction is a selfish beast
.

It knows no other thing than where the next high is coming from.
We become targets because of our love for our d cs.
We are easily fooled and manipulated.
It is a whole different world than what we were taught, or what we taught our d cs as children.
Addiction and drugs are the enemy, the vile, insidious beast that has captured our d cs.
As long as they are using, they will try to use us.
Try not to take it personally, LBL, Copa (Leafy), as hard as it is , this is not about you, your husband, M, or anyone else that becomes a target.
It is all about feeding the beast.
They really become like toddlers, throwing temper tantrums.
They want their way, no matter the consequences to anyone else.
It is not a personal thing.

Once I began to think like this, I could remove myself from the hurt of it.
I can remove myself from the hurt of it (remember Leafy).
I start to look at it objectively, rather than subjectively.
Understanding the beast and removing the emotions of it, enables me to move forward and think more clearly.

Fake it till you make it, Leafy.......... and breathe.
Slow down and think, don't feel it, think it.


In the thick of it, in the FOG, all of those emotions swirling around, is how the beast would have us remain, unable to think on our feet, lacking reason and judgement.
Slowly melting into puddles of despair, weak and feeble, we become as ill as our d c's.

Pulling out of the swirley whirley, feels strange at first.
Cold.
Decisive, calculating.
Well then.
Isn't that how our d cs are treating us?
Yup.

It's not a tit for tat thing.

These are war maneuvers.

We are in a battle.


We have to be clever.

Stoic.

We are not only fighting against the beast of addiction, we are fighting our own propensity to go synchronistically down with the ship of it.

What do we do from there at the bottom of the deep, devouring sea of emotions?
We drown.

Wail and beat our breasts, our every waking moment spent on what is happening with our kids.

What are the kids doing?

What they want.

I would give my right arm to change this.
I know this is an idiom, I actually looked it up because I couldn't find the word in my brain, idiom.
From Google, ahem, my current university
Origin: A similar line, “I'd give my right arm” was used in the early 1600s. After the American Civil War, the government enacted a special pension for soldiers who lost their limbs, so the idiom was linked to the huge compensation for war-related injuries and accidents.

I'm sorry, I am not trying to pull apart your words, or mock the deep sorrow you have, the outrage.
Believe me, I have been there many, many times and have to work hard to prevent myself from going there over and again.

I won't give my right arm, because my two would want the left, and my legs, too.
It is quite apropos that this idiom was used related to war.
Because this is a war.
It is a battle of emotions and nonsense.
It makes no sense that our beloveds would choose as they do.
But they do.
As long as they do, they look to us to pull them out of their consequences.
Tactical war maneuvers.
Addicts are smart.
They strike at the very thing that would betray us.
Our hearts.
ABRACADABRA (Thank you Copa, this really describes the dark magic of it)

In an emotion driven state, it is hard to think.
We become confused and sad.
Desperate.

Struggling for answers.
Seeking ways out for our d cs.

In the meantime, are we living?
Not really.
What are the kids doing?
What they want.

I must steel my heart and anticipate all outcomes. If he decides to plead to get out he may well get time served and probation. He will on his addled mind attempt to come home. If he does I will call the police as one of his conditions will be no contact with his victims.
Yes, LBL, you must steel your heart.
Not let your sons choices and consequences steal your heart.
It does not mean that you are hard hearted, it means that you are thinking.
You are being objective, rather than subjective.
You are learning and saying, "My son in the throes of addiction, is capable of this, and this, therefore, I must be this, and this."

Toddlers throwing tantrums.......in an adult body.

Okay, so we must be the parent.
Rather than throwing our own emotional tantrums, guts churning, hair pulling, we have to rise above.
There within, lies the work that we must do.
Rise above.
If we start to look at this as imperative to our d cs survival, shift the focus there, to rising above, it helps to start to come up out of the swirley whirley, the deep dark space where lamentations occur.
Oh my word, I can just remember that drowning feeling.
It takes my breath away just writing about it.
Because I have been there so many times.
Rise above.
Swim up, up up to the surface of it, where you can start to think more clearly.
Imperative to our d cs survival.
That we rise above and we are quite aware of their manipulations.
Steel your heart.

Strengthen and embolden yourself.

Each day, take time to clear your mind and not think and emote of your sons situation.

Reserve some time for yourself, your husband.
You both matter.

Your son is in jail, so for the time being, you have some freedom from all of this.

You have some time to breathe and build your toolbox.

You have some time to work on rising above.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
My heart goes out to mothers and fathers of struggling only children. It is never easy, but I do think your one and only beloved child struggling makes it harder.
Me too, SWOT, me too.
Love to all as well.

It is my well children that help me through this.
They are able to be stoic, stay away from the conflama. (Conflict + drama)

Their usual reply to the latest episode is

"Doesn't surprise me."

BAM.

That stated............

My heart goes out to all with an only child facing this.

It must be infinitely more difficult.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Thinking of your son in jail waiting to be on the docket reminds me of when my brother was in jail. I was living in another state, so I could not be much help for my mother and I could not go rescue my brother, thank Heaven. My parents had bailed him out the first time, but when he was arrested again just 3 days later, they did not bail him out.

We spoke about it after he had gone through rehab and was sober. He referred to it as The County Betty Ford Clinic. Detoxing there was NOT fun, but it was far more helpful than the rest of the family had any idea that it could be. My brother realized that every single person there was in jail due to drug or alcohol problems. Those in for drug problems also had alcohol problems. He was was among the youngest in his group, so he was looking at men who were aged 40 to 70+ who had ruined their lives over something he kept insisted couldn't ruin your life. It made him wonder how stupid he was to keep thinking that way. Some of the older men were pretty blunt with him about how he needed to get sober and stay sober. He kept saying he thought AA was bogus because he didn't believe in Christianity or God or whatever. Those men read him the riot act over that also. They let him know that he was just trying to find excuses to not get sober and to ruin his life.

Ever since he got sober, my brother has told my parents and I that leaving him in jail for the weeks we did was probably the best thing we did for him. If we had not done that, he never would have accepted his need for rehab and AA. His life is so much better now, and that is amazing.

So try to remember this as you leave your son in jail. He needs to be there to learn the life lessons that will make him a better, stronger human being.
 

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
I won't give my right arm, because my two would want the left, and my legs, too.
It is quite apropos that this idiom was used related to war.
Because this is a war.
It is a battle of emotions and nonsense.
It makes no sense that our beloveds would choose as they do.
Agree and yes, you nailed my emotion. As opposed to giving a million dollars; The giving of oneself painfully to obtain enough reward to ransom away this horrid state of addiction. The war, being wounded, but winning.

Not truly a giving of my right arm to my son as you aptly point out; it would be followed by the consumption of all limbs and being swallowed whole.

I can and will survive this battle and if I lose the right arm in doing so, I will indeed proudly do so. I would lose it and accept my reward of a clean and sober child/adult child now. I will however not lay my limb and life down to him for him to consume.

Addicts are smart.
They strike at the very thing that would betray us.
Our hearts.
ABRACADABRA (Thank you Copa, this really describes the dark magic of it)
Oh so very very true. The intelligence and their use of it is baffling to me. It is like a magic trick. How did I get from here to there and not see it coming again and again.

Your son is in jail, so for the time being, you have some freedom from all of this.

You have some time to breathe and build your toolbox.

You have some time to work on rising above.
Hubs is back we spent a lovely evening together and a quiet day today. We are honouring our time to heal and recognize our needs.

Ha as I write this I just jumped out of my skin as a police siren went off....PTSD....ugh.

The tool box now is focus on healing our jangled nerves. Preparing for what is in store and knowing how to engage in this battle on a smart fashion that will preserve us and allow our son to know he is not abandoned but let go to make his own choices.

The breadth and depth of it all....the Grand Canyon has nothing on all of us in those terms.
We were there 3 years ago. A trip son refused to join us on. The beauty of the Canyon is a good comparator; beautifully dangerous, but can be admired safely from a distance.
 

Southern51

New Member
I'm really sorry your son's in such a state, it must be awful to know, even if you're not there to see it for yourself. I hope he'll be in jail long enough to fully detox physically, and I hope he gets court mandated to rehab. Don't worry about the criminal record right now. That's something to worry about *after* he gets through it all and starts rebuilding his life. And frankly, consequences of any kind is a good thing for addicts, in my opinion. I hope things start improving soon. Take care.
 

Littleboylost

On the road unwanted to travel
I'm really sorry your son's in such a state, it must be awful to know, even if you're not there to see it for yourself. I hope he'll be in jail long enough to fully detox physically, and I hope he gets court mandated to rehab. Don't worry about the criminal record right now. That's something to worry about *after* he gets through it all and starts rebuilding his life. And frankly, consequences of any kind is a good thing for addicts, in my opinion. I hope things start improving soon. Take care.
Thank you Southern. Unfortunately we do not have court mandated rehab in Ontario. He would have to voluntarily go and ask for a stay of proceedings. He could then go to rehab and upon completing ask for the charges to be dismissed.
 

Southern51

New Member
That makes it more complicated. I hope he does go. If not, at least he got some time in which he was safe, had a bed to sleep in and three meals a day. And I believe that even if they decide not to get the help they need, they learn from such experiences, and may decide to use what they're learned in the future.
 

ColleenB

Active Member
Oh LBL .... how my heart hurts for you.

I am in awe of your strength right now and your ability to be so introspective in the midst of so much hurt and chaos. It sounds like the judicial system is another hurt you have to endure now, not being able to speak with him or know what’s going on must be so hard.

I think you are doing the right thing staying away while he is probably in the blame mode anyway and coming down off drugs. Not a good time to reason or try to plan anything with him. He needs the time to become clean and hopefully desperate enough to want change.

I am thinking of you. Xoxo
 
Top