visit to son in prison

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Weary Mother, Feb 9, 2017.

  1. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    I will be visiting my son in prison Saturday. He is of course in for his 2nd drug conviction. I think he may get out later this year or early in 2018. I have been through hell with both him and my daughter, as they have both used together. His choice is meth, hers has been prescription drugs. I recently joined an new group in town that was formed due to concerns over heroin and opioid drug users and is for family, friends and concerned people who need support over this epidemic. My adult children have had very unstable lives, using drugs, not being responsible etc, etc. I of course am the typical parent worrying and having my own anxiety over their lives. I do not visit him often, due to the time and cost of the visit, but since he has been in there he is more his old self. It is actually painful to see him be more like that person he used to be because it is easier to block him out of my mind when he is terrible. I don't know if this makes sense or not but all the bottled up feelings that I have had over the years just comes up to the surface when I see him sober, clean and talking clearer. Not that I want him on the drugs, that is awful to live through and his life was scary then. But I am going to give him love and moral support as long as he shows signs of cleaning up his act. Same for my daughter. I will not support them, or expose myself to risk, but I have decided that some of my pain or a lot of my pain has come from feeling bad about the way I feel about the behavior and as a result have had to create many boundaries in order to mentally survive myself. I still need those boundaries, but I also need to feel love and compassion for the illness and try to let them know that I do love them and at the same time I will still keep healthy boundaries if I can see what that means in each circumstance. I am finding that there is a line between being cold and being too enabling. I think finding that line for me has been hard. I relate to all the posts on here so much and have searched my heart and this is the best I can manage at this time. I have had so many sleepless nights due to anxiety and worry. Here is hoping that I can manage better and in the meantime maybe they will too.
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Weary Mother and welcome. Being in a support group has saved my sanity so I am glad you found one in your community. Like they say, hate the disease, love the addict. I too have had to put up boundaries with my daughter. I will no longer allow her to treat us like she did for so many years when she was using. I have found that once they are out of your house you realize that you will never go back to those days.

    I have always told my daughter that I love her and will give her encouragement and support as long as she is doing the right thing. When I find out she isn't I pull back.

    You are seeing your son drug free in jail. Hopefully he will get into an intensive program when he leaves jail so that he doesn't go back to using. That is the message I would tell him if I were you. Support him in doing that but please take care of yourself. And continue with your support group.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  3. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Nancy, thank you so much. I do agree, love the addict, hate the disease. And the thing on boundaries too, I do not ever want my daughter or son to live with me again but have concluded the same thing. I will give moral support and if I see the repeat behaviour I pull back. Acutally my son is in a drug program in prison, this is the 2nd time and he was in a drug rehab the first time too. His story is sad and someone could have been killed. I am happy he is doing better. This time he has attended chapel every day and enrolled in a study class there. I see a difference this time. I am hopeful and he has a lot on his plate but I will give him love and encouragement as long as I see this attempt to do better. The last 20 years have been so hard on me and I am just now realizing I probably have pstd from all this.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope your son can overcome his struggles. In our family support group, which was attended by not only family members but also the addict, we had a saying, miracles happen within these walls every day. I'm pulling for him and your daughter....and you.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  5. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    thank you so much. I joined this forum and have realized some help here, but the drug issue is a different story. I have posted a lot in parent emeritus and many of them have drug issues too, but some have other behaviour issues. It is hard to know what behaviour is from what, like drugs, or just laziness or perhaps mental illness like depression and anxiety. So not that it matters as to how you react but in a way it does. If you know what your dealing with I think it makes it easier to name it, and deal with it instead of wondering what is wrong all the time.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter had a lot of issues growing up, we adopted her and like many adoptees there was a hole in her heart we couldn't fill. So while she had issues all throughout her life, once they become teens and aware of drugs THE issue becomes drugs. I believe it is their way of dealing with their pain or inability to feel comfortable in their skin, and a whole lot of genetic material that becomes baggage. Their way of coping with life is to use drugs or alcohol, anything that numbs them. Many outgrow it with help and treatment. The scary thing is the dangerous and often fatal drugs that are out now. We know so many who have relapsed just once and died from heroin. So many young people, and it hits every corner of our community.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  7. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Nancy that is what the support group is about, there is an epidemic and lots of drug addicts die. I am lucky that both of my children did not die, they both have overdosed on occasions and refused help for years. I an conflicted between compassion and anger. I am so sick of dealing with this but do realize that if I just draw a hard line in the sand and cut them off, that they could die and I would never forgive myself. I would not blame myself but have regrets for sure.
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I know itd a fine line to walk.y son is on his way to his 2nd prison term. Right now im soo hurt i dont want to go see him. But after awhile maybe i will get the strength up again. But im not going every other weekend for four years like i did before. Im putting my life first now
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Teriobe
    I have been wondering how you are. Sadly my son is presently in jail. He will probably be released on probation. I have made the decision that he can not come home. Now I am in the club of moms with AC in jail. Or never seems to end. Your hoesty and advice helped me brace for this outcome.

    I hope you are well
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I found your post and I am in the same spot. Son is now in jail. He isn’t remorseful or accepting of his incarceration so we are not going to visit him.
    He had a court appearance on Monday, not sure if I will go or not.
    I have made the decision that my son will not live with us again. We too shall support any positive effort. We will not condone any continued drug behaviour.