visited difficult child I at the shelter today %$%^#$^#&*

[amazeofgrace]

grrrr hsssss......

finally went, even though I was hesitant after being brow beaten via the phone this past week. But I took difficult child II and we went after church to visit difficult child I in the detention shelter.

I took him some plain t-shirts, socks, underwear and one pair of jeans, not the 44" waist ones he had requested or his PSP. We walk in and he's waiting in the front lounge, he takes the bag of clothes and the glarring begins. F this B that, wait outside he says and proceeds to tell difficult child II I am a liar and not to do or listen to anything I say. He throw the jeans at me and they land on the floor.

I calmly pick up the bags containing the snacks and drinks that I had "lovingly" bought and brought for him and I tell difficult child II we're leaving. difficult child I gives me the old "sit down Mom, I am sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest" I respond "glad you did, hope it was worth it" and we leave, of course difficult child II was mad at me the whole way home, it is my fault difficult child I is in the shelter after all, always my fault.....sigh..............

On a different note I wish I'd brought him condoms, because the boys have to wear the jeans pulled up, but the girls apparantly do not have to wear their shirts pulled down! Hoochies everywhere!

 

[witzend]

You're a very patient woman. I would have been hard pressed not to smack him one. Did anyone see him throw that stuff at you?

It sounds as though difficult child II needs a reality check as well. Your fault? I think not! I'm glad you took your goodies and went home. I hope you ate them all by yourself, too!

 

[KTMom91]

Glad you stayed tough, picked up your goodies, and left calmly. I think I'd have wanted to smack him one as well. Sending hugs...hope the rest of the day is better for you.

 

[Hound dog]

I'd have been hard pressed not to smack him one too. But then I'm old school. And I'm mean enough I'd had taken everything I'd brought him back home with me. Treat me like that and you can do without.

Your fault. Tell him to take a good long hard look in the mirror if he wants to play the blame game.

Yep. Way more patient than me too.

((((hugs))))

 

[Steely]

So sorry.........that must have really hurt. You go to all that trouble, and then they just poop on you.
I am glad you walked away, that takes courage. Keep putting up those boundaries. And definitely do not let difficult child 2 have any more visits with him.

Truthfully, difficult child 1 sounds like he needs medications and therapy so badly. Is he getting any psychiatric care at the place he is at? Can you demand it?

 

[Wiped Out]

You handled the situation very well! I'm sorry he is so hurtful, it's him, not you. (((hugs)))

 

[katya02]

I love your response, "Glad you did, hope it was worth it", followed by action. You go! I'm sorry the visit was so hurtful, but you handled it beautifully. It's a lesson to your difficult child 2 as well.

{{{hugs}}} and kudos

 

[Andy]

When or when will that kid learn? You did very well. He can not treat you like that and now he has a barrier between the two of you that keeps him from being physically violent toward you and difficult child II. That will make this easier for you to go through for now. You can be strong without worrying about his reactions.

Go Girl Go!

 

[bran155]

I am so sorry your visit didn't go so well. BUT I am so impressed at your strength to actually leave. Good for you. I can't tell you how many times I visited my difficult child at the rtcs, hospitals or detention centers, got cursed out and did not have the strength or the courage to walk out!!! If I remember correctly I was only able to bring myself to leave one time and that was because her therapist rescued me and told me to leave. So kudos to you!!!

Maybe the next visit he will think twice about mistreating you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhh, how disappointing. How sad, after all you'd done.
I LOVE your response. Very appropriate.
He has plenty of time to think about it.
So sorry about difficult child II, as well. I would have a talk with-him and explain that what GfgI did was abusive.
{{hugs}}

 

[Marguerite]

I'm sorry he mouthed off at you, but proud of how you handled it.

Another follow-through suggestion for you - for future reference, if/when GFGII starts in on you about it all being your fault, slam on the brakes (hope he's wearing his seatbelt) and refuse to go on until you get it straightened out between you - ask him, quietly,for his expert advice on parenting. "I'm sorry, son, I didn't realise I was so inneffectual at parenting and yet somehow you have gleaned the skills I so sadly lack. Pray, advise me - just exactly how should I have handled matters, so we had a better outcome that is not in any way my fault?"
Sit there and take notes. You don't have to reply or give your judgement on what he says at tis point, take your time and think about it (because surely, HE has thought things through carefully before speaking?)
If he asks for immediate feedback, tell him that distilled wisdom needs time to take on board, as a flower cannot take in too much fertiliser at the one time without getting burned. You need time to assimilate such enlightenment.

Chances are, he has no goodadvice. he's just sounding off, because his brother has shown him that this is the way to get your frustrations out in the open. And if GFGII doesn't learn otherwise, you'll have another problem on your hands. Surely he would like to learn profitably from his brother, and NOT follow in his footsteps?

Idiots. The pair of them. Glad you shook up your older one just as he needs it.

Don't sweat it about the lack of condoms - he either wouldn't have used them anyway (either refusing to have sex, or the girls would have told him not to bother) or he would have played with them, made a joke out of them. Better save your money. For now, anyway.

Marg

 

[trinityroyal]

AOG, you handled that situation with grace and dignity. I'm so glad that you turned and walked away. You gave difficult child I a clear signal that you will not put up with him treating you that way. Be prepared for it to escalate, until the message truly sinks in.

As for difficult child II, I think Marg's advice is spot on. Don't let him get away with it either. He's young enough that you can rein him in now, I think.

Way to go!
And {{{Big Gentle Hugs}}} for your hurting mommy heart.
Trinity

 

[trinityroyal]

AOG, you handled that situation with grace and dignity. I'm so glad that you turned and walked away. You gave difficult child I a clear signal that you will not put up with him treating you that way. Be prepared for it to escalate, until the message truly sinks in.

As for difficult child II, I think Marg's advice is spot on. Don't let him get away with it either. He's young enough that you can rein him in now, I think.

Way to go!
And {{{Big Gentle Hugs}}} for your hurting mommy heart.
Trinity

 

[DDD]

Trinity said it beautifully. Way To Go! I know it is hard but you are trying to stop a cycle in the healthiest way possible. I, too, am impressed. DDD

 

[amazeofgrace]

Thank to all my cheerleaders, I love you all so very dearly!

difficult child I has not called me, I have not called him, he meets with his inhome therapist today (he's going to see him at the shelter). I emailed him and gave him a heads up on what happened. I also forbid my Father from taking difficult child I anymore treats! My dad all of disowned difficult child I when he was living here and causing h#ll, but now my Dad visits him practically everyday and gets mad because I am not visiting him. Sigh..... I can't win!

 

[totoro]

No you can't win can you! You are so patient. Jeesh... You truly are amazing. I don't know how you do it.
Between him and your Dad... and oh, everyone else! You deserve a vacation. Without the kids...

 

[witzend]

My dad all of disowned difficult child I when he was living here and causing h#ll, but now my Dad visits him practically everyday and gets mad because I am not visiting him.

Is it possible that your dad is using your difficulties with difficult child I to manipulate you? If it were me, I would be terribly uncomfortable with him taking on any kind of role at this point that wasn't one that the two of you had discussed and agreed was appropriate and helpful to you as a parent. This seems like undermining you both when he was at home and now that he is gone as well.

Your son reminds me an awful lot of what happened with M at that age. He's got a stubborn streak a mile wide. So long as he is getting sympathy from grandpa - or anyone else who is being triangulated with you - it's going to be very difficult to get him to set aside the facade of "tough victim". With him being so close to 18 years old, I feel like it is going to be very difficult for him to want to do anything other than be on his own. The way that he told you he wanted to live in a shelter, the totally unacceptable behavior when you visit, the drawing grandpa in... it's not going to be good. I think you need to keep difficult child II out of it as much as possible, and probably put your parents on notice that their input isn't not appreciated. This is parenting in the trenches, not time for every family member to chime in. If they want a part in this, their role should be to back you up to the nines, no questions asked. Your parents got to parent you, and your difficult child II will get to parent his own. This is your child and your life. Don't let them detract from you or distract you.

I feel really bad for you having to go through this situation. I don't see your oldest as moving back home. I think that what will happen is that he will be transitioned into his own living situation. It hoovers, I know. But he's old enough that you're not going to get much help from anyone with trying to figure out how to make a successful living situation at this point.

Are you yourself getting to the point that you will be able to get out of your parent's home soon? You and your boys are under an awful lot of pressure while you live there. I know it's a struggle financially, but is there any organization that can help you get back on your feet? Perhaps a recommendation from Al-Anon or something? Your son needs a serious wake-up call, and I don't think it's one he is going to hear from you. This is one he is going to have to lear on his own.

I hope I am not sounding dismissive, and I am offering my thoughts as a matter of experience and knowing how long it can take for everyone to let go and regroup. I know how hard this is for you. He doesn't want anything to do with you for now. He's using you as his scapegoat. He needs to find that place inside of him where you are the mom that he loves. Not the mom who is the disciplinarian, lawyer, doctor, decision maker mom.

Maybe I'm wrong about him. I know I don't really know him. It's what I see from the outside looking in, and with my personal experience, so I could be way off. But I think that whatever happens, the way that your son is drawing everyone in and fighting the inevitable change that is to come, it won't happen soon. All I know is that in hindsight, even after M was gone but still in transitional living, I held on for far too long. All of us would have moved on more quickly if I had been more savvy and more adult about letting go.

{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Wow, that could easily have been a visit with one of my difficult children in the past. You handled it beautifully. Many hugs. This is such a hard road to travel and you seem to be doing so well. Don't let the others in your world get you down.

many hugs
beth