waiting for the other shoe......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Jun 19, 2009.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I guess I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. By waiting I mean that seems to be what I am doing lately. I wait for the phone call to come and identify his body - I wait for the phone call from jail - I wait for the phone call to ask for money - I just dont even know why - he is living with another guy and his girlfriend - my son has an EBT card and is helping them with groceries - I dont know if any of them have ajob - the guy did pressure wash and my son was supposed to be helping him - for some reason I believe they are selling drugs - my son is on probation andhasnt paid his probation anything - he called me today to get the phone number after he asked for money - he wanted to go to the dentist for his teeth - he went to the er the other day but did not take the antibiotic they gave him - it all seems ridiculous to me - anyway - i was just filling everyone in - my husband is on part time status now at his engineering company - the clients are not letting the work go - great - so the money is tight - we are going to a counselor next week to talk about doing an intervention - my hubby doesnt think it is worth it - what do yall think? We have done just about everything else but that. However - it may seem like I say I just sit and wait all day but I dont - my easy child son and I went swimming today at the gym - hung out - I talked to my daughter = cleaned up the house, etc. I am not just obsessing about it but I just dread what may happen.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Susan---take the money you want to spend on an intervention and buy your easy child a car---or pay tuition---or send him to Europe. There is enough help out there is difficult child wants it. He doesn't. I know how you feel. I feel the same way everyday. But I know that my son likes his life. He likes smoking marijuana. He likes working a minimal job and having a minimal existence. But, it is his life and his choice. Let go, Susan, let go.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susan, do try to fill your days with some fun. Waiting, the constant waiting is useless. If a call is going to come, it'll come whether you're idly waiting and worrying or busy doing something else you like to do.

    Seriously, I don't think your difficult child is anywhere near ready for an intervention. I think it would just get your hopes up to have them come crashing down again.

    As much as I know it hurts, you've got to convince yourself there is nothing you can do to fix this.

  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Seems like you are in the same old rut, Susan.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I know but I am gettingout of it! I think it is just boredom right now. I am used to going somewhere everyday to keep my mind occupied and easy child and I have been to my Daddys and husband isnt here until sunday - so anyway. I will occupy myself with going to the gym and trying to have a schedule instead of not having one. Maybe that will help. Most of all, thanks for all ofyour input. that helps too.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Just a word of caution since you mentioned possible drug dealing, ER, and dentist. Many people with chemical dependency issues will go to the dentist to try to get certain drugs prescribed. Same with the ER, it may not have been the drug he was seeking?

    I hope this is not the case but just to keep an eye on that. Certain drugs also cause major dental problems. Meth is a biggie. So many of our clients end up at the dentist because of their past drug use.

    I say that he is old enough to find financial support outside of you (medical assistance, etc.) and since he is living out of the house, you are in a position to make him accountable for his financial life. If he needs medical such as dental, than medical assistance will help with that.

    As for the intervention, my instinct would be to not worry if it will work or not. It is always a risk. But to go ahead and do it for YOU! This is a time to lay everything on the table - a wake up call for him to let him know you will not be enabling his life style by providing finances, that you know he needs help in changing and that he is now responsible for claiming those supports. You can no longer be putting them into his lap only for him to stand up and walk away from them. This is the end. He needs to choose which beginning he wants.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Andy, I sent you a pm with a question.
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Andy I think you are right. As far as the intervention goes - well myhusband will probably be the one to decide that - he thinks it is a waste of money - he wants our son to do the right thing but we have thrown money for treatment and have bailed him out of jail before - no more - but we will see. As for the drugs, I know all about how they want to go to the dentist to get pain medications and sell them - people love them and they can sell them for 7 to 10 a pill - I think that is what is going on -
  9. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    HI Stands,

    I understand the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. It can consume us. You need to see a counselor who can help you to realize that our difficult children have to be willing to help themselves and there is nothing we can do.

    My difficult child has recently moved home, but first, before we allowed it we had to see that he was helping himself or the door was closed. He stopped using all drugs, eating and gaining weight, has been searching for a job everyday, seeing a pscy and taking his antidepressent, and then he sought out a substance abuse/depression programme all on his own. Then we let him move home. NOw he has his chance. If he blows it, he's out, if he wants to help himself and turn his life around he is welcome to stay.

    My husband and I have been practising tough love for the last year. It's been hard to not allow our 18 yr old son to come home but we have other children in the home and ourselves to think about. We didn't choose the life difficult child was leading.

    I guess what i"m trying to say is that i understand your feelings but you need to get help to deal with those feelings and move on. when and if your son wants to change you'll see the actions and you'll know.

    my thoughts are with you and your family.
  10. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I agree with Missy--I think you are the one who needs help in this case--help to be able to come to a place within yourself where you aren't still trying to figure out how to fix your son. I agree with your husband too--I think an intervention would be a waste. Your son likes his life right now. I think you are still under the illusion that somehow you can make him not want to live the way he is living, that if you could just convince him he doesn't want to be doing this, things would be okay. A therapist could help you come to the realization that it is not your responsibility to make him change, only he can do that and he won't do that unless he wants to.

    Take care,
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think your husband is right. An intervention is a waste of money. Your son has been very clear with you. He enjoys his life and doesn't want to quit. You need to get on with your own life.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I asked my ex-drug abuser daughter about an intervention and she said, "If he's selling drugs and still using without expressing an interest in changing, forget it." That's her take on it. She also said "If he's using, he's selling. That's how it works. Everyone who uses sells." I know my daughter had many people ready to do her damage because of drug deals gone wrong. That's one reason we wanted to get her out of town--she had expressed a strong wish to quit using (and had quit at various times) along with confessing that there were dangerous people after her. They didn't care that she was a female either. Your son is in a bad place right now and the intervention is definitely going to be a waste of time in my opinion. Your hub has been great to you. in my opinion go along with him, take a third honeymoon, bring easy child with you and let him have fun...let this one go for now. You aren't going to change him. Oh, and yes the dentist is often used to get heavy narcotics for pain.
    All in all, I think you were doing well for a while and are now slipping. Don't let him control your life. I know it's hard--he's your child--I've been there. But you have another child, a husband, and a life beyond him. He may never change. One of my daughter's birthfathers is 39 and in jail for the umpteeth time for a drug related crime--he stole a vehicle for a robbery. Trust me, his family tried and tried and tried--and he has the incentive of his birth daughter. If he straightened out his act we would allow him to see her (assuming she still has an ounce of respect left for him and wants to see him too). Although he whines about loving her, even his birth daughter hasn't stopped him from his drug addiction.
    You can waste your entire life waiting for this son to change. Don't do it. He made his choices. It's time for you to enjoy the rest of your life, regardless of what he does.
    You can't change him. He's not ten years old anymore.
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My response re an intervention is, are YOU ready for it? At an intervention, your job will be to deal an ultimatum: either you do this, or we do nothing for you from now on.

    I think you are nowhere near ready for that. Nor is your son, for that matter. He has said to you, very specifically, that he doesn't want to stop.

    I have to agree that it would be a waste of money.
  14. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Quote by CrazyinVa."My response re an intervention is, are YOU ready for it? At an intervention, your job will be to deal an ultimatum: either you do this, or we do nothing for you from now on".

    Nail on the head Crazy!!

    "I wait for the phone call to come and identify his body - I wait for the phone call from jail - I wait for the phone call to ask for money - I just don't even know why ...... I am not just obsessing about it" In psychobabble terms we call this a discrepancy. Actually, stands you probably are obsessing about it. Take a step back and re-read your words.

    Simple Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 101. Thoughts -> Feelings -> Behaviors. In order to stop this madness, you have to start by controlling your thoughts.
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Susan, I have chronic health issues, including heart disease, and I'm not at the ER anywhere near as often as your son. It seems like if he doesn't have money to buy drugs, that's where he goes. I won't go into my feelings on that matter....

    Intervention has been discussed re: your son many times. He has said he doesn't want to stop. He has said he likes his life. So, let him live it. You live yours.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I honestly and truly think and intervention might be EXACTLY what is needed.

    I think your husband and sober kids and family members and friends should gather to give YOU an intervention.

    Many of us have told you many times that NOTHING is going to fix your son or change his behaviors. Even if he DID agree to treatment he still wouldn't work the program.


    Whether or not YOU like his life is just not a factor. What you want for him is totally and completely irrelevant.

    You have gotten this advice every couple of weeks for many many months now. It is time to find a psychiatrist (with the md) to prescribe some heavy duty medications to help you deal with your obsession with your adult child.

    You have truly descended into what sure lookes like obsession and compulsion. There truly are medications and therapy and other treatment options that will help you. They won't get your difficult child off of drugs, but they will help you not obsess about him.

    It just isn't healthy to have these thoughts keep intruding on your life the way they are. It isn't healthy for anyone in your family to obsess about adult difficult child.

    The ONLY calls you need to make are to a psychiatrist to get some real help via medication and assessment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), a therapist you see at least 1 time a week (and you need to see this person for quite a long time, not just a session or two. You also need to call and have your son's number blocked from your phones.

    You may even need some inpatient help dealing with this. It is way past the point that you needed to get intense help.

    I know you are stuck, and am not angry at you or disappointed in you. This is YOUR mental illness that you keep addressing, NOT your son's drug use. THe drug use is just the vehicle for the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Honestly once you let them live their own lives, they do stop depending so much on you. It really doesnt matter what he does in his own life because it isnt your life. If he chooses to smoke pot and be in trouble with the law...well, its his choice. You dont have to partake in that part of his life. You can still love him. I have problems saying you can still talk to him and have him over for dinner because he seems to be able to manipulate you easily.

    For the moment I think I would love him from afar.

    Nothing got better with my son until we showed a bit of tough love. Now, I dont deal with anything to do with his legal entanglements. Well, I guess I shouldnt say that. I am standing behind him in this eviction debacle but he is not at fault in this. I dont think there is anything wrong in a parent being on their kids side in matters that they are in the right on. I would be so telling him he was wrong if he had failed to pay rent and telling him the man had every right to evict him.

    I never thought Cory could do half the things he has managed to do but when push came to shove, he did it because I didnt rush in to save him. You have to back off and let your son grow up. When he gets sick and tired of his meager existance he will do something to change it but only then. It wont happen because mom wants him to. He has to want to.
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks everyone. I appreciate all ofyour comments. I will try and see a therapist. thanks
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Also I did do something good today - I told him I would not take him to the ER to see about his teeth again. He went just about 2 days ago - the ER finally realized after millions of times there what he wanted and said no to pain pills - narcotic anyway - tried to give him Darvacet and he refused it and the antibiotic - go figure - so as sad as it is I told him no - figure it out - ya'll he might die - but I am powerless and not in control - that is the hardest thing for me with everything I do - I want to be in control - so I am trying not to think about it.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I want you to do an exercise for me, if you would.

    Please go and pull every thread you started for the time you ahve been here. Print them if you can. Otherwise write down the title of the thread, what difficult child had done, what the consequences you let him feel were, and how his behavior changed because of what you did or did not do.

    Also write down the number of times you told us you would get therapy, that you had therapy, or that you were on a waiting list for therapy.

    Write down how many of us suggested therapy. How many suggested medications.

    The LOOK at these numbers.

    In many many ways, your son refusing help to get out of his drug/alcohol abusing lifestyle seems very very VERY close to you telling us you will go and get therapy - and not doing it for weeks, or switching tdocs quickly.

    I really pray you do this. I have a feeling the number of times you tell us you are getting therapy but you don't will STUN you. The same for the number of times you have told difficult child not to use drugs, not to steal, that he cant come to your house, etc... and eh did these things anyway.

    What is YOUR bottom in this situation. I think many of us would have hit bottom with your difficult child/situation many months ago.

    How is difficult child's refusal to get help for his drug addiction similar to you coming here for advice and attention and sympathy but refusing to do much of anything to cope with your TRUE problem?

    I am willing to bet that a doctor looking at your posts in the last year on this forum would say that you have at least a bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but most likely you have a full dose of he Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

    The good news is that there are real medical therapies to help you with this.

    PLEASE go and get the help you need.

    PLEASE compare what we have told YOU to what you have told difficult child.

    I think it will shock you, maybe even more.