Waiting for the shoe to drop...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Oct 17, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I know i haven't been posting any updates, but I guess part of me is hoping that we are moving beyond addictive behaviours. Some days I'm convinced he is is... others I feel scared and am waiting for the worst to happen.

    Oldest son is on his own, has been since April, but it looks like he is finally financially doing it, studies loans came in a few weeks back. Of course he didn't pay me anything he borrowed this last month promising he would when the loan came.... but I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

    He asked if we would help him get a phone, and as soon much as i wanted to, we didn't. Someone else helped him i guess, as e has one after six months without.

    He says he is going to classes, but we would have no way of knowing....he also says he hasn't done drugs since early summer.... again.... I don't know. I do know he has drank and smoked some weed... but I guess compared to cocaine, and whatever else he was using... sigh

    We are socializing with friends again....even had people over last week... first time in over a year. And we used to entertain monthly.... so baby steps!

    Younger son is working hard and going to university part time. I don't worry too much, as he seems happy and on top of his finances and school so far.

    My work is busy and I'm spending time at the youth shelter again on weekends... so life is full.

    Do I still have a knot in my gut? You bet. I still feel he isn't going to be able to do school ... he still doesnt have a part time job, and he needs one. I don't want to help him financially anymore. We have so much debt accumulated that will take years to pay off.

    I still feel shame when I see his dirty teeth and hair, his unkept appearance... although I think he may be getting slightly less dirty looking? ? He said he was going as Jesus for Halloween.. he totally looks the part. Sigh

    Just thought I would let you know where we are at

    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  2. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    It's good to read you allowed time to socialize. That in itself is a step forward. I need to put that on our list of goals. I'm new and am gathering as much knowledge as I can. Sending you positive energy. Thanks for sharing.
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Colleen...he seems to be taking baby steps towards better things.

    You have done what you can...and great to be around people and enjoying life.

    Hope it's always alive and well...hugs
  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Colleen.
    I have wondered if you were "holding your own". Sounds like much progress for you.
    I do find getting back to or beginning new things is key to becoming mentally healthy again. Mostly I believe I have been helped by getting out of myself and becoming involved with other people and projects but I still need to do more. Getting to this point also makes me realize what a basket case I was a 8 months ago.

    My husband and I remind ourselves of this over and over...the lies, the $, the unbelievable stress our son put us through. It seems self harming to remember this but for us it is our resolve to stop the $ trail and to not do for him what he could do for himself. I also have kept a picture of the straw, baggies, etc. that I found in his room in our house to remind me that it was way past time to make him finance that lifestyle himself. I know our son pawned whatever we gave him, I do know even when we quit giving cash, ie just put gas in his car, he could then go and use his $20 for drugs. It's a long bridge we have to walk realizing when we "help" we are simply helping them kill themselves.
    Great job Mom and Dad. Use this to remind you in the future-HE figured it out. Maybe he had $ he wanted/needed to use for something else and instead he had to buy a phone...welcome to adulthood.

    ...and doesn't this sum it up for so many of us? Hugs to you today, to all of us who each day get up, put one foot in front of the other and continue on when we thought we couldn't. We are stronger than we think we are. Prayers.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think a big part of this all for any of us is accepting the way it is right now. I learned that with the help of my therapist. I have not wanted to accept my son and the way he thinks, lives, uses drugs etc.

    Of course I always have hope that he will live a life he can be proud of without the constant pull of addiction. But I don't know if this will ever happen and I can't think about it or I am overwhelmed with with anxiety.

    My son is sharing an apartment near the college with a 40 something year old lady he found on Craigslist. It seems this is working well. She is a nice lady. He has full use of the apartment. I am glad he didn't want to live with someone young, in some party house. We are paying his way right now but he is looking for a job that doesn't do background checks because he has a warrant in Illinois that we choose to let be for now. We give him the bare minimum. I am not sure of how hard he is looking. I think he is sober but I am not positive of this. He will take some classes in January. He knows if he screws up we will let him be homeless again. I hope he learned from that experience.

    Husband is going to Florida tomorrow and son and girlfriend will stay with him for several days so we'll know for sure after that visit. Husband has no clue I am questioning his sobriety.

    It sounds like all is peaceful for you right now and that is something you have to be thankful for. I know each day that is peaceful for me, I am happy for. Hang in there and enjoy the fact that everything is okay for now. I sometimes feel bad how my son lives but then realize he's probably actually okay with it and I'm the one feeling bad and that's probably the case for your son too!
  6. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    There's no such thing as a recreational addict. We have lost the ability to use substances recreationally, if we ever had it to begin with. The truth is that there is no cure, only remission. No matter how much clean time we accrue, we are constantly on the edge. Even fantasizing about using is very dangerous. We start to forget all the bad that came from using, and pine for the days before we lost control. Our brains aren't like most non-addicts. Regardless of how one personally feels about pot, and alcohol, the addict early in recovery cannot do it. Not nearly enough time has passed for him to truly appreciate all the pain he caused his loved ones, and himself. Not enough time to put his shattered life back together. Recovery is a process, not a singular event. We do not recover, we are merely recovering. When we are using, we are not recovering. The less vigilant we allow ourselves to become, the greater the chance of relapse. I cannot tell you if he will ever be capable of stopping at just a drink with dinner, or a joint with a friend. But I can say that, as of this moment, he cannot. Nor should he ever try. His foundation is virtually non-existent. Destruction is easy, fixing is hard. We did not destroy our lives overnight, and we sure as :censored2: cannot fix it overnight. It will take considerably longer to fix it than it did to destroy it. He's still relatively young, though. He still has plenty of time to start real recovery, and make something of his life.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Informative Informative x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome back Darkwing!
  8. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Thank you. Sorry I am not here too often. Twin sister finally got our of prison, and my uncle asks me to keep an eye on her. Last time she came home, 2 digital cameras, and a bunch of sentimental jewelry miraculously grew legs and walked right the :censored2: out the front door. I do still occasionally read, and I will post as much as I can.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We really do need your input here!
  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I hear you Darkwing... and I agree. Which is why I am waiting for the worst....

    I personally don't think he can drink or smoke pot recreationally, but he doesn't listen to me, and I'm tired.

    For now I am stepping back, and giving him space. It's as much for me, to keep me sane in this whole mess.

    I actually called him yesterday, and his voicemail was horrible... he was drunk and I immediately reacted in my gut.... I cried and felt like I was falling in the ditch again, in the hole that swallows me up when u let it.

    I contacted him and let him know about the voicemail. He did change it. But I heard it. I heard the addicts voice again.... the anger, the pain.

    I'm trying to understand addiction, and the extreme self hate that comes with it.... I'm trying to love him and give him knowledge that he is worth fighting the addiction for. I think for a long time I've been so sad and hurt I've forgotten how to just love him regardless.

    I'm trying to do that now.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, please remember that addiction is a physical craving. In some cases it is psycogical, as with some pot users. Usually it is a physical need to have a drug or alcohol, which is a drug. That makes it hard to quit. The body suffers without the drug. The addiction can be genetic. It, at some point, is more than willful use. Using wards off the pain of withdrawal.

    I know people who quit, in particular an ex boyfriend who was a bad alcoholic. He knows he can never drink again, not even a sip. He is active in AA and tried to help others in the abyss. So there are people who never drink or smoke pot after licking addiction. I saw him at a party with some drinking and he did not drink. It can happen. Most people can have a drink and stop. An addict may go months without a drink, but once he drinks he can't moderate his drinking until he is drunk or passed out. It can start a drinking/drugging binge.

    It takes a lot of work and willpowerl to quit. Many people, including me, tell ourselves our child has licked it before it truly happens. Yet the only thing we can do is not enable, distance from the disease that we can't cure, and love and pray for them, if you pray. It is not your fault that your son uses. Take this off your shoulders. Go on with your life.

    Your son is young. He has many years to battle this and quit. Big hugs.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Colleen.. I know how hard it was to hear the addict and not your son.

    It's hard to know that all we are called to do is love and support the boy, wouldn't it be great if you could pull the addict away and lock it up.. But it will always lay in him.. But he can emerge without him. He can fight for him.

    Maybe that's the rock bottom they speak of.. One time drunk he may realize.. This is too hard... This is exhausting... I'm ready. My son tried on his own... But clinical death was his call. . We will never know why he woke up?

    Hope lingers in the air and in your heart.. Hugs
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My step-son still has bad hygiene.

    He drinks quite a bit, so even though he doesn't use drugs anymore (except pot, as far as I know) it is quite obvious he is not all right.

    I have a brother who has been an alcoholic for decades, and he keeps himself clean. Maybe it's because he is married, or maybe because he is older, so I can't say that good hygiene would mean that our guys are sober, but I would bet that as long as the bad hygiene continues, they are probably not.
  14. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    A non-addict trying to understand the mind of an addict is a lot like a sane person trying to comprehend a delusional mindset. You can read about it all you want, but you can never really feel it.

    You cannot fix him. Nobody can fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed. He is in a hell, but one of his own design. And he knows it. For whatever reasons, he isn't ready right now. Best you can do for him is not to enable him in any way, and allow him to plummet. The sooner he hits bottom, the better. Be there for him when he is ready to make some positive changes, but don't give the impression that him doing all the wrong things is just hunky dory.