Walking a fine line......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Oct 29, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    kt had an in home therapist appointment last night. therapist attempted to work/use EMDR with kt ~ to try & settle her down a bit. Help with kt's anxieties. AND when we've used EMDR in the past, things always got worse before they got better. Yee Hah!

    Having said that, over the course of the past 2 weeks kt has shared some issues with therapist & PCA that are disturbing & have therapist believing that kt is dissociating on a regular basis. therapist also believes that there are a few boys at school "targeting" or being predatory toward kt.

    therapist thinks that kt is walking a very fragile line; some of the "antics" pulled by these boys are harmful & pushing kt further into dissociative states. Over the last couple of days we've seen more dissociation in kt ~ less kt. We haven't seen the "infant" kt in a very very long time.

    kt refused school this morning & I was advised for kt's mental health not to push school right now. SD has to answer for how they will protect kt from these boys ~ in other words, where is that one on one? SD told me yesterday that if kt cannot handle this school that the county will end up taking custody & sending kt to state hosptial. A little overkill, you think? (by the way, if anyone belongs in state hospital, it's wm, not kt. I love my son - I know how hard off he is).

    I appreciate the ear.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Haven't they learned not to mess with you yet? CPS will laugh in their faces if they want kt taken into state custody because they can't manage to execute a proper IEP.

    I'm sorry kt is struggling. I hope the school is able to get off their duffs and keep her safe.
  3. hexemaus2

    hexemaus2 Old hand

    Oh Linda, I'm so sorry kt's having such a hard time of it at school. Where are the teachers/staff/administrators when kids do these kinds of things to each other? That question always chaps my backside when I hear of some of the things that go on in school...I always wonder where the heck the adults & supports & proper supervision are.

    I'll say a pray for kt (and Mom) in hopes that she finds her own comfort level within herself so that these kinds of things aren't as upsetting to her at some point in the future. I can only imagine what must be going on inside of her. It breaks my heart to think of someone in that kind of pain, ya know?

    I'm outraged that the SD even mentioned something as ridiculous as the state taking custody & all that. Like you aren't concerned enough without some bonehead making idle threats. Sheesh.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    And what part of I-E-P does the SD not understand? Why do our kids have to put up with bullies just because the SD thinks it is easier to just throw away the victim or tell the victim to just deal with it than to stand up to the real problem? And the answer to start with is in an IEP that the school is not following? Unbelieveable - nope - not unbelievable, just the SD like many SD's not wanting to live up to the IEP.

    Hugs to KT and to you!
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Poor baby. Life is hard enough for our kids without other kids targeting them. I'd really like to shake the tar out of every boy and girl who picks on girls that are so vulnerable. It truly gets me sooooooo angry.

    As to the school, I think I'd be telling them where to put their state hospital and remind them they are responsible for protecting kt from predators. I do understand it is nearly impossible to stop kids if they're bound and determined to attack one but that doesn't mean they have to leave her wide open to them.

    Hugs to both of you. I hope and pray you find an answer to help kt soon and that things start going in a positive flow for her again. She deserves the break.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Poor KT, and shame on the school district for not protecting KT. That would get me rather upset, that they think they can just make threats and you will run scared.
  7. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Why is your school speaking for the county? ugh.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And then the county will be calling you to take her back....you've handled her...no one else has. Sheesh - the nerve.

    Tell SD to go back to kindergarten and learn that basic rule about tattling - worry about yourself and that YOU'RE doing the right thing before you worry about what everyone else is doing. Wasn't that taught in about Kindergarten or so?
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry kt is having even more trouble than originally thought. I know the EMDR can be a hard road, but hopefully it will help in the long run.

    The School has better get THEIR act together before they try to threaten your custody of kt. Don't they know that this kind of threat only makes the child feel more vulnerable and more pressure? And what kind of idiot truly thinks ANYONE is more qualified than you and husband to decide where kt needs to be. The person or persons who told you that they would put kt in the state hospital is an idiot and dumber than a fence post.

    Hugs and prayers that kt gets better, that you feel better, and that the school stops being so stupid.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    ((HUGS))) Where is that one-on-one? What is the SD doing to help her be successful in school each day? What specific things are they doing to address each problem? Her work, and the social difficulties can be addressed differently so she can be successful, learn, and feel like she's doing a good job. They are going to threaten you? No, it should be the other way around. Unbelievable!
  11. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Gee, you would think by now SD would have it figured out that you've heard of the term "least restrictive environment" by now.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Do they KNOW or remember exactly who they are dealing with here? Sic 'em!

    I'm sorry Kt is having such a hard time. Hopefully something can be worked out to keep her in this school.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry kt is struggling so much right now. I'm furious with your school district! How dare they threaten to take custody? How dare they not provide the 1 on 1 she obviously needs? I am astonished they would make such a threat. I hope they are set straight and soon!
  14. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Linda, sending you hugs. I know first hand and have the 20 yr old school damaged difficult child to be able to be fearful and sympathetic for you and for kt.
    I did everything I could, had difficult children very well known psychiatrist involved, trying to get our school to do the right things....I had NAMI reps at our school- <sigh>
    Buffy was NOT disassociative before her HS experiences.

    Ironically, today difficult child Buffy wanted to go to her HS.....normally if we even drive PAST it she panics and then disassociates.....I took her.she went in, and she met with the ONE teacher that she did adore, the one teacher who handled her decently, as if she were a human being and not ..I do not know what......

    In our due process hearing this man was amazing and wonderful. Today he told Buffy he is so so sorry, so sad, and now he fully agrees with everything I tried to put into place for Buffy. He did agree with me, then, too, but our school fought him tooth and nail, as they also fought me and even our due process hearing officer.
    I am so glad kts docs are not pushing school......sadly, today I was working in my basement clearing to make room for my new grandbaby to be.....and I came across several papers of Buffys from grade school and elementary school, and several photos.
    Tears ran freely down my face while I looked at those pictures of Buffy....so happy, SO smart, letters from her teachers, her standardized test scores, 96-99th percentile for the nation.....and I look at who she has been the last couple years and well, our school does NOT make me the least bit happy, to say the least. SOme schools just seem to not want to do the right thing. THis man teacher Buffy visited today apologized to her....becuz in recent years more knowledge has come to light regarding our special children....and this man has kept abreast of the information. BUT he admits our district STILL is not even willing to even TRY to work with these kids, the current policy is to send these kids out, far from their homes......

    This man has seen Buffy in public since she left the school- and he SEES first hand how much better her symptoms are now compared to when she was struggling and fighting to hold her own IN school.

    I still struggle with hurt, anger, resentment at our district, for letting 2 of my children down and not educating them and worse- makeing them far more ill than they ever were to begin with. I wish I could tell you our 1-1 aide helped make things better, but the reverse was true, our 1-1 made things MUCH worse.
    I finally decided that school was literally killing my Buffy. AND they stoped teaching her academically by 8th grade. They simply refused to try to work with her in any other way aside from being completely controlling, demanding, and triggering her on purpose so they could "prove" THEY were "right" so they could have justification to pull her out and send her to a far away rsidential program. While I was going thru some of the things I found in our basement, I found several little notes Buffy wrote to friends etc that I found in her pants pockets when doing laundry. Most of them were sobs and pleas for peers to be "nice" or even for teachers to not call her names anymore.
    Buffy was bnorn with her symptoms- to a milder degree. BUT she also was very outgoing, very vibrant, e xtremely smart all thru 7th grade. 8th grade school began to treat her quite different...and in HS if she had good days those would be used against her on her bad days. When she trialed a medication notorious for triggering mania, the school lateched on to the hypomania and used THAT behavior by which to then later judge her ability to function....they said well, she behaved that way for that time, so we know she can behave that way all the time if she chooses.
    For Buffy, every single day of attending high school was a very difficult struggle. It took every single shred of her just to BE there every day.
    Buffy never ever lashed out, no matter how hard her school tried to trigger her to be violent, she never did-----teachers would see her in hall and accuse her of things she had nothing to do with...and they would physically grab her, shake her..calling her a liar to her face. Buffy was a difficult child, BUT she was NOT a liar. and even when they would grab her by both arms and shake her, she would not lash out. Buffy was into self harm. she would then come home and cut. But being AT school, just being there, took all her concentration, focus, and will. there was neveer enough of Buffy left to learn much even if they would have tried to teach her (which they didn't- they spent days in Special Education ed bd class listening to music or eating pizza)

    There was a terrible bully in her class- he had vandalised our home to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. He was arrrested for it, and it was going thru the court system.....Buffy had a hard time being in class with that boy......that same boy had been physically violent to all of my children several times over the years and charges had been filed several times. The school, in their infinite wisdom continued to TEASE Buffy and us and LOL at us and say watch- Buffy and that boy are going to marry one day. and they continuously demanded Buffy and that boy sit together in calss. Even if they hadn't, the class only had Buffy and 7 boys in it. it would have been hard to seperate them.
    I believe in education.I truly believe in it. I went to college at 18..and took classes every single year for over 20 years, I got my cosmetology in late 70s, real estate license in early 80s, and STARTED nurseing school when I turned 40. I could only go part time, becuz I always worked 2 full time jobs since I was 12 years old. BUT I aced all my classes, solid straight As all thru college. Even with 3 kids, even with my seriously ill husband and even after I got sick myself. I do believe in education. BUT.......there are some times situations where things are just not good.

    If this place is toxic to kt......and if school is not doing enough fast enough, it is possible they might not ever properly do the right thing. Our due process hearing officer warned me she could order the school to finally do the right thing properly, BUT the track record for our school, and the history with our dtr-----even IF they FINALLY did the right thing? They likely would not really do the right thing properly, and would continue under the radar to hurt difficult child.

    Of course I have NO idea what your district is REALLY like. ANd I know our experience is extraordinarily negative. I understand we are not the norm at all.....AND their is some benefit to the kids now as compared to 10 years ago-----EVERYTHING our district NOW offers special kids has come about only since I took our district to due process. - so ALL our services have really only been in place a couple years. There are still a LOT of kinks to work out, still a lot of mindsets in the school staff to change, to get them around to understanding special needs kids, to get the staff to understand kids are not behaving these ways willfully. Becuz even tho they might SAY they understand......the truth is inside each staff person, some of them still do not get it that this is NOT necessarily willful, not in control of the child.....many do not understand that you cannot discipline this diagnosis out of a child. ANd if school staff is still thinking that way, they are going to teat our children that way, as if the child CAN control all the behaviors.

    Reality is it has not been that long since schools or the general public accept these diagnosis'es. And until they accept them fully, they cannot begin to even try to understand, and until they do, they are not going to be able to SEE how they are affecting our children, or our childrens future.
    Here I am with 2 extremely intelligent bright kids.....homeschooling both of them.....one becuz school caused her disassociative PTSD and major extreme panic....and the other becuz he lost his eye to traumatic injury and becuz of his older sibling, the school would not even try to do even the most minimal accomodations for his VISION issues.
    Here I am, was a uqadriplegic with a very seriously mentally and physically ill husband in the home......homeschooling 2 special needs children.and continuing to pay the exorbitant real estate property taxes that fund our school here.

    Buffy stopped at our HS in 2004. it took her 4 YEARS to be able to approach the building. Until today whenever we even just drove past the building, she hyperventilated, stopped breathing, broke out in hives and disassociated.
    Our school was quite toxic to her.
  15. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    PS- yes, our school also made the same threat- remove difficult child from our home and place her elsewhere, her psychiatrist fought that tooth and nail------and it was the school acting on that threat that finally took us into due process......where we won keeping difficult child out of state custody and being placed far from home, BUT- we lost difficult child continuing to be educated at our school. We had difficult children psychiatrist, therapist, and neuro all fighting against her being outplaced or taken from us. The due process hearing officer said that if school wanted to be rid of difficult child THAT badly, they might possibly "set difficult child us" such as "frame her" trump up some legal scenario to justify removal etc.
    Some schools simply will do whatever it takes to get a child OUT of their school, at any cost.
    So, at this point, I would be very watchful even if they DO get a 1-1 now. They might use the 1-1 as a partner in makeing things worse for kt......instead of better.
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such issues with no other than "boys" in her school that are triggering her that way. What an absolutely ridiculous comment made in regards to state custody? Hello, total overkill your so right.

    Sometimes the "system" makes me want to throw up.

    You are very wise though and experienced you will find your way through this. giving her the day home was the right thing to do. Every circumstance is different. I hope the emdr helps though.

    I'm just sending you some support :)
  17. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    Ah, the melodrama (state hospital!?)

    Our school nurse (who is usually just wonderful with our kids .... but yesterday she suggested we call the hospital crisis line because our 8 year old wasn't swallowing his pill.
  18. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    "SD told me yesterday that if kt cannot handle this school that the county will end up taking custody & sending kt to state hosptial."

    Good grief, Linda! It sounds like they're threatening you! In other words, instead of doing what they're supposed to do, they're saying, "Stop complaining and just put up with it or we'll take your child away from you and throw her in a State hospital! That's horrible!

    Please don't take this wrong but this almost makes me giggle a little! They don't know who they're dealing with, do they! They obviously haven't learned yet that you don't mess with a Warrior Mom! Go get'em, girl! And huge hugs to Ms. KT. High school can be difficult for any kid and boys her age can be horrendous sometimes! Poor kid.
  19. I'm sorry kt is having these problems. This has to be incredibly hard for you to watch. I hope the SD gets their act in gear and do what they are supposed to in the IEP. KT needs her one-on-one.