Want to beat this kid, I hate her!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by helpangel, Feb 20, 2014.

  1. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I know, I know all these years of me saying "you love the kid but hate the behavior" blah blah give me my hypocrite award tomorrow right now I just need to B!#CH! or I will explode!

    My youngest has had a horrible time growing up in her sisters shadow, going thru a school district the younger sibling of "crazy Angel" (have heard other students call her) has been really hard on her. Her best friend's mother doesn't allow the girl any contact with our family because of Angel. Unless needs her folks to give her a ride home from somewhere then they are fine with me so they can sit home & drink themselves stupid.

    So best friend turned 18yo a couple weeks ago, told her mom was going to a different friends house (lives close enough GPS on phone could match) came over today had lunch, watched a movie. Angel was fine staying in the other room and leaving them alone until the girls phone rang she put a finger over her mouth and said "my mom" all of us didn't say a word except Angel! During the call Angel runs into the room and yells "hi XXXX's mom"

    So youngest just got a text "her dad hit her, took her radio and she is grounded for a month; thank her sister"!!! I know she's 18yo but a difficult child that is age equivalent to a 12yo, she has no way to support herself and no where to go if leaves or they throw her out. Told my daughter to text her that I will take her to the runaway shelter if needs me to come get her out of there. There is a great program in our city, school bus can even pick her up there while she works on issues with parents.

    I'm so pissed right now want to move Angel to the basement and give this girl her room. I won't we are full up but I feel so responsible for not gagging my little monster or doing something to shut her up! Actually want to throw Angel out on her a**, but legally would have to do eviction process. She has really complicated this girls life and thinks it is funny she caused a problem.

    My daughter is an evil little snitch!!! I can't even look at Angel right now, keep thinking "have you lost your F-ing mind?" and "why?" ... Really how or why would someone take pleasure in destroying someones life when they personally have nothing to gain?

    Sorry I'm rambling at this point and will probably be trying to delete this tomorrow or not (I want a record of this), thank you for listening I just had to get this out.

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The drama never ends.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    We always thought the drama was only between difficult child daughter and us (the parents), too. Siblings, neighbors ~ everyone around the difficult child is affected in some way. The sibs by what they see and are exposed to, the neighbors by what they see or know and don't tell you.

    It is heartbreakingly hard to see our other kids affected by something the difficult child intentionally does.

    And they seem to do alot of things intentionally.

  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    And I get your anger. Simmering below my surface right now, I am really angry at my son.

    Hang in there. Life sure is ugly sometimes.
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I can't say I blame you. Those are items that can't be replaced. Sorry :(
  6. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Oooooooooo, I'd be so mad too! My difficult child loves to instigate drama like that - it's maddening!
  7. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Thanks everyone for the support, wow I broke all my rules for dealing with my difficult child's when made that post... verbal attacks about the kid not the behavior, name calling so glad I typed it instead of flat out yelling it at her.

    I had been doing so good at mentally detaching from the drama, then saw my kid seriously harm another kid who didn't deserve it and snapped. I'm just so glad I chose typing over going to jail last night because everything in me just wanted to hit her!

    This whole thing with youngest having friends over is new yesterday was first time she has invited a friend to hang out for a couple hours, yes there have been kids in for introduction then they split but never to just hang out here.

    I'm kind of glad Angel's siblings both threw the book at her last night because today Rachel had a boy over. Not her boyfriend his best friend (when I heard of this a couple days ago insisted she invite boyfriend also even if I need to transport to make it happen)

    Anyway Angel knew she was dangerously close to me starting eviction process so she stayed in her room the entire time. boyfriend didn't come over just friend but it went fine they had lunch, played Wii & then lego's.

    One thing I found strange is the mom came in to meet me, verify adult here and kind of check me out; I could understand that if they were 12yo but this boy is gonna be 18 in a couple months.

    I thought the girls parents were out of line trying to choose all her friends and put those restrictions on an 18yo, but after meeting that mom today wondering if there is a different rule book for parents of difficult child's?

    I thought teens you're suppose to give them enough rope to hang themselves with and only step in before they actually choke the life out of themselves or ask for help; wondering at this point if I'm giving them room to grow or just lazy?

    Thanks again for this soft place to land last night I'm sure it is a lot more comfortable then a jail cell would have been, and if I would have had to sit here silent would have probably had a stroke.

  8. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I am angry at Angel too now! I actually feel that burning feeling in my chest...because I can so clearly clearly imagine the rage, despair, guilty helpfuless sorrow for your youngest, helpless "here we go again" at Angel, and of course...somehow guilty anger at how you 'let this happen". No words of wisdom here....honestly I hate to say it but the best friend should not have been lying to her parents, especially at 18...
    but anyway...I'll stick to ...no words of wisdom here, just recognition, compassion, and heartburn!
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The difference between young difficult children (by "young" I mean minors) and legal adults is that you CAN'T tell them what to do unless they care what you say. So it is pointless to try to tell them who to hang around with because it is not very likely that most eighteen year olds will pay much attention to what you say. Like you, I was a difficult child, and I would have seen whoever I wanted to see anyways. Of course, I did get pretty much thrown out, but my life was better for it. Maybe this boys will be too if it happens. His control freak parents sound worse than many of our difficult children!!!!

    Does Angel have any adult services in place? Has she been evaluated for possibly being disabled? She sounds like the autism has really caused her to be socially clueless, which may have been the cause of her outburst. Do you have any plans for her as an adult? It sounds very hard on you to have her there and I would love to see you have some peace and serenity while knowing that Angel is in good hands. Have you looked at group homes or is she high functioning enough to live in an apartment on her own and follow the rules? None of us can care for a difficult child forever and have any sort of a good life. They wear us out and ruin our health, even if they don't mean to.
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    The boy's mother has no intention of becoming a Grandma yet. ;)
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I understand your anger and frustration at Angel's immature behavior. However, in a weird way.......I see her point of view too. It can't be easy knowing that your sibs and family suffer consequences for your actions/diagnosis. It isn't fair. It isn't right. And it seems given her response......that perhaps Angel is harboring some anger herself over it. I can't say I blame her much. Perhaps because I had similar experiences for different reasons.

    That said, the friend is 18 yrs old. She is an adult who can decide whom she picks for friends, regardless of her parents approval. If there are consequences to those choices, then she should be prepared to face them. She knew the risk of breaking the rules.

    Sadly, most parents today seem to swing from one extreme to another instead of finding a middle ground with their kids. The teen years should be a time when you are teaching your children to think and act independently from yourself while they are still protected by their parents.

    I've never been one to even attempt to choose my children's friends. In that respect, you're just shooting yourself in the foot. Kids will friend whomever they choose regardless of rules and consequences. At best you're just encouraging them to lie to you and to sneak around, which is not good.

    Once my kids were 18 they were treated like adults. Well, they were to to varying degrees throughout the teen years. The only thing was they had to follow house rules. But outside of that they had complete freedom.

    My home was filled with difficult children while my kids were growing up. Most certainly not all of them were mine. Kids who got into trouble as well as easy child's who excelled. There was only one kid I ever recall that was banned from the house and that my kids were warned to avoid. He was so severely mentally disturbed that he was seriously dangerous. I explained to them why he should be avoided and why he was banned. If the danger factor had not been there.....it would have been different. But that kid is a serial killer in the making if not already.......I wish I was kidding......but sadly I'm not. I have the education/experience in which to base that judgement, I don't do so lightly and they knew it.

    Some parents had issues. I didn't worry about it. That was between them and their child. Evidently they eventually got over it because the children would continue to come over. There was always adult supervision in this house. Always. So maybe that is why.

    As far as losing your temper and venting.........it's normal, don't worry about it. At least you have a safe place to do so.

  12. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I'm kind of holding my breath at this point waiting for the bomb to drop, don't need a crystal ball to see that March madness is going to be rough this year. It's always been a rough time of year for Angel; 7 yrs ended up inpatient in March.

    Got a full tank of gas, change of clothing for me, hospital clothes for Angel, quick snacks etc all in the van. My purse got my medications, coffee creamer, coin change, phone charger, glasses & a book to read.

    Noticing as Angel's thyroid level improves the GFGyness gets worse. For the past year or so her thyroid has been so off that she has had energy level of a slug, it wasn't that her bipolar was stable it was she didn't have energy to fight. In December her TSH was 554, last checked was under 400 but we still got a long way to go to the target area.

    I understand that it bugs Angel that her sister has friends, she is jealous. Angel doesn't have social skills to be able to make or keep friends, 19yo never been invited to a party, overnight... no one calls on the phone. When psychiatrist asks about friends she says has them but when asked name of best friend or any names of friends appointment is over and she is out of there in a huff.

    She is trying to get back into school, it upset her that she filled out over a hundred online job applications yet didn't get called for a single interview. Thru CMH (community mental health) they have job hunting services, groups etc. but she said no to all of it. They can help with assisted living, group homes etc. but she fired 3 case managers before they could check into anything. The last one said it didn't matter she's not high functioning enough for assisted living and too volatile for a group home. psychiatric hospital discharge paperwork & treatment plans, IEPs have stated her strength is a supportive mother.

    The only service she will allow from CMH is psychiatrist who prescribes her medications. 10 minutes every 3 months and I go in with her. Standard ?s psychiatrist needs answer to make her angry and there is a language barrier; I sit silent and only speak when she doesn't understand his ? (I repeat it) or when she is stuck on answer (& gonna blow if he persists).

    She qualified as disabled when she was 6yo and it got renewed without a hitch when she turned 18yo, the psychiatrist SSA sent her to re-certified her - she spent about 5 minutes with Angel then about 10 minutes with me. Just about everyone we've seen thru the years is worried about me, if I can't care for her getting her into MH services before she lands in prison. Not if prison when prison.

    On this board I often think of myself as a hypocrite because talk a lot about detachment yet don't actually live what I talk. Detachment is just a dream for me because my long term plan involves leaving Angel with this rental house and moving in with my parents; one city over can't drive, barely see or walk, mom has forgotten how to use her oven, safely store food etc.

    Not sure if we are a strong family or just a bunch of co dependents but we all do stuff for each other because family takes care of family. If my cousin who I haven't seen since I was 12yo showed up on my porch would be invited in fed and offered a place to sleep without question. It's like when able put time in do so when unable the people you helped will hopefully help you, I often wonder if Angel will ever be able to care for anyone even herself? She made herself an egg at 3 am without setting off the smoke detector last night so making progress (baby steps) sorry for this getting so long - start typing and forget when to stop LOL