Want to pose a question for you..(philosophical)

[bran155]

I believe there are children in the world who by all statistics don't stand a chance. I do blame some parents. When you have a child and choose not to take proper care of that child, don't expect greatness. I also am of the belief that you can be an exceptional parent who ends up with a kid out of control. But I think if you do the best you can with love in your heart and the best interest of you child as a priority then that parent should sleep well at night.

If a child grows up in an abusive household then yes I do blame those parents. If a child grows up in a household without love, yes I blame those parents. If a child grows up in a neglectful household, again, yes I blame those parents. There is no guarantee that those children would have done better had they had better parents, but I blame those parents for not even trying!!! I think it is easy to stray from the straight and narrow when you lack support and guidance. I think there are exceptions to this rule, however. There are extraordinary kids who make it in spite of parents like these. I love to see that. I believe for the most part the people in jails, on the streets, in a gang or heavy into addiction are those of a horrid childhood. I am not saying all of them.

What about the ferrel children? The kids who are locked in filthy room with minimal food and no human contact. They sleep on a hard floor in a dirty diaper, eat scraps, have no love, can't even speak and weigh much less than they are supposed to. When they are rescued, they now have permanent damage, will never live up to their potential. That was taken from them by their parents!!! Whose fault is that??? I fully blame the parents. There was a story similar to this on Oprah last week. So sad. Makes me very angry!!!

Don't get me wrong. We all make plenty of mistakes. We all have done things we wish we could re-do. I know that I would do many things differently with my daughter given the chance. But I don't blame myself because I truly tried my best. My daughter grew up in a loving home with the support of her family. I always have my kids best interest at heart. Did I do everything perfectly - NO!!!! But I don't think any parent does. If your intentions are good, you love your child and make your child a priority then you are doing the best you can. There are so many parents who truly don't care about their kids. Those are the parents that I blame. Not the ones who are trying. Who love their kids, who would go to the ends of the earth for their kids, no matter the outcome, they try. I think we all fall into that catagory. We all found this site for the same reason. We love our kids and need help and support. Hence, good parents. We all have shared stories about how much we have fought to save our children. Hence, good parents. We are GOOD parents. There are so many parents with difficult children who do nothing to help them. Who leave them to their own downfall without trying to intervene.

At the end of the day, as long as I know in my heart that I have done everything within my power for my children, then I did a good job. I do blame my daughter's bio father. He has never been a part of her life. (like so many of us and our kids) My daughter has expressed her sadness and lack of self worth with regards to her fathers lack of love over the years. She has asked me why he doesn't love her. She says her anger comes from her lacking her father's love. She has told every therapist she has ever seen that very same thing. She is angry. I don't blame her. If he played a role in her life I think she would have much better self esteem. I don't blame him for her mental illness but if he had been there for her, who knows how much different her life could have been. Maybe she would love herself a little more, value herself and not look for love with random men. With her being mentally ill, not having her father only compounds her problems. I think anyway.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Nomad]

bran...your use of the word "compound" resonates with me and our situation.

Our daughter has been diagnosis'd with adhd and bipolar I. One doctor sees Aspergers. She is adopted...some emotional baggage there. When she was a young girl...she suffered a brain aneurysm with a brain bleed...some Learning Disability (LD) stuff there. Compounding events. Sometimes I feel pressure to make sure I "parent" precisiously...not letting any entitlement sneek in...cause I know this doesn't do anyone any good. However, I know she needs nurturing. I'm trying to find the balance. I recognize she's had a lot to contend with. As she matures...although maturity takes longer with difficult child...we expect more and more. I'm giving her extra time...but it will not last forever. I push for self sufficiently. It's my job. She will learn to work within her limitations or have great difficulties. I'm not overly woried about it...cause I refuse to let any of this get me down. Life keeps going on and I make every effort to enjoy it as best I can!!!

The word "compound" simply resonates with me.

 

[hearts and roses]

Personally, I don't know what I could have done differently that would have created a better, more positive outlook for my difficult child. When she began having rage attacks, I sought help from a counselor, not for the first time thinking it was ALL my fault. The counselor suggested we take difficult child to a nuero-psychiatric. My H refused because he thought they would just fill her with medications. Finally, almost 2 years later (and lots of family counseling), we took her for her evaluation. And yes, she was then placed on medications. When she began 'talking' in sexually explicit terms on line, we put heavy duty restrictions on the computer....she was still able to make contact with and be kidnapped by a predator/sex offender and be sexually assaulted.

Incidentally, we never EVER had to put any restrictions on easy child along the way. She just always followed the rules, played fair, did her best in school, created goals, played sports, had hobbies, and did what was expected of her. Only at about age 14 did she get a wee bit surly, but that only lasted a year and then she was well on her way to her mini adulthood, as we came to see it. Responsible to her family, her teacher and most of all to herself.

Out of both my girls, if there is any failure there, I would think that I actually failed my easy child because I gave so much of myself to difficult child. I will never get those years back or know how much easy child needed me or to what extent I was unavailable to her.

My difficult child is identical to her bio-dad, who she spent very little time with over the course of her 19 years. Go figure. She also reminds me a bit of me in some ways at 19 - going against convention. The only difference is that I was always responsible and independent like easy child. So, I suppose they each got a bit of me and a bit of their father, though with easy child, I see more of her stepdad than her biodad...(that could be because they are both Scorpios, though!).

Anyway, just my ramblings. Maybe I have just found a way not to be responsible for who difficult child is by not taking credit for easy child is. I don't know, doesn't really matter to me. They are all old enough to do the work they need to do so they can become the person they want to be at this point. I wash my hands of it, knowing that each of us can only do the best we can with what we know at any given moment. And that's all.

 

[DaisyFace]

Hmmmm--

Interesting question.

I was raised by a couple of parents that didn't give a D*mn. No "Good for you"s or "Way to go"s or "We're so proud". So for every accomplishment of my youth--there was no cheering section. There was no Mom or Dad to whom to wave or shout "Hi".

But I have no doubt that they are very proud of the job they did as parents. Whether they deserve that feeling is a matter of debate, I'm sure....

When I became a parent...I was amazed to discover how much of who my children were was out of my hands. I had assumed that I would influence and guide them, teach them things and they would no-doubt develop interests similar to my own because of all of those experiences.

I was WAAAYYY wrong.

They were born exactly who they are. All of their tendencies, preferences, interests, quirks were all present from the very beginning. If I had dropped them off on a doorstep somewhere--they would still be good at math, poor at spelling, still hate certain vegetables etc and they would still grow up to be exactly who they will be.

We as parents are not as influential or important as we would like to think we are!

Sad....and a relief at the same time.

--DaisyF

 

[Shari]

So if we are all taking our kudo's and props for things going right shouldnt we also take some responsibility when things go wrong?

Exactly what I meant, tho I don't think it came out right. And no, I don't think I'm to credit/blame for my kids, good or bad.

I did some things that were good for them, and I did some things that were not so good for them, and when I discovered something wasn't working, I changed it. When I discovered better ways to do things, I changed it.

I parented the best I could and never stopped looking for ways to make life with difficult child 1 better. Without having difficult children, I probably would have stagnated in the parenting pool and been content griping cause easy child wasn't picked to play the lead part in the school play, or whatever they gripe about at the watercooler. I beleive having difficult child's have made me a better person and a better parent, even if I am frazzled a lot of the time, because they push me to do better every day.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Janet,
Interesting thread...

I AM very proud of my easy child. She, against the odds (having 2 older difficult child brothers) has avoided the drug scene, does well in school, is well behaved-even tempered, is liked by many...and most of all she is a very loving, thoughtful, kind human being.
After all the saddness and despair while raising her 2 difficult child brothers it is so refreshing for someone to know or have heard of my daughters name and attach something positive to it.
I was very shamed by my difficult child's behaviors...expulsion hearing in school for older difficult child, arrest at school, getting kicked kicked out of main stream school and sent to alternative. Police always at our door...drama drama drama and Drugs.

easy child has been the light in husband's and my lives...as if to say "You must have done something right". Though I must admit...sometimes I think easy child's avoidance of negatives and determination to do the next right thing...much of it came in spite of her brothers behaviors. In a way I think she was fortunate to be last in line of our children...to see all the mistakes her brothers made.

I DO believe in the genetic factor. Oldest difficult child is a risk taker and a charming leader...who has had a serious drug problem in the past. He takes after husband...and husband's past. Young difficult child is the spitting image of my bio dad who I did not meat til I was 17 and he is an excuse making alcoholic...very immature, always blaming someone else for the problems he creates. Young difficult child is very much like this and is currently struggling with alcohol.
easy child was a very calm and loving child...I would say very "accepting" of any situation. I think it is a combination of many things that has contributed to the wonderful young lady she is today. I also want to add that my husband is her high school bowling coach and easy child is the captain of her team and it looks very much like she will have several college bowling coaches looking her direction this next year for a full ride scholarship. I give husband alot of the credit for being such a wonderful guidance to her in her bowling pursuits.

I do want to say that I think I failed the difficult child's by being their doormat when they were young, before the teen years hit. I did EVERYthing for them, felt it was my job as a good parent...boy was I wrong. I set us up for very unappreciate, disrespectful difficult child's. And...both of them struggle now as grown ups, doing things on their own is still difficult for them.

Al Anon taught me alot about the things I've done right and wrong.
But, none of my kids are finished yet. I really don't see their lives "set in stone" til they hit 24/25 years old...that is when the reality of their adult choices will be cemented in my opinion.

Thanks for bringing this topic up it does cause me to take pause and recognise several factors that have been involved in who my children are.
by the way, I do want to say too that I AM proud of my difficult child's for continuing to "try". So far they have not given up in life, even though they have threatend it at times along the way. And, they do know right from wrong...cause and effect, lol, they're still working on.

Tammy/lms