Wanted to introduce myself...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Blessingpoetry, Dec 18, 2008.

  1. Blessingpoetry

    Blessingpoetry New Member

    I am Jordan, stepmother to TAD. He is 7. He has been diagnosed with-ADHD, and from what I can find out online, he seems to have oppisitional disorder. (If that is what it is called) He is, at best, contrary and unmotivated- at worst, defiant and hysterical, unmanagable.
    We have taken to just sitting him in a chair in his room until he calms down. We just simply do not know what else to do.
    He is on 56mg of concerta right now.
    He goes through periods where he wets his pants...sometimes 2-4 times a DAY, he wets so much at night that he fills up a night time diaper. The Dr says there is nothing physically wrong with him.
    The reason we do not have him in counseling...we do not have the money for it and we are pretty aware of what is 'causing' his 'stress', as it were.
    We just don't know how to deal with it.
    If there is a hard way to do something, TAD will find it and make it harder. He frustrates me to the point of anger.
    He is so unmotivated, that he is not even giving out Christmas gifts this year. That really makes me angry. Everyone is so centered on giving this kid a great time, but no...he can't even think outside of himself.
    What am I doing wrong? I just want one moment of clarity with him...where I know or feel that he's been reached.
    We tried him in Cub Scouts and that was a fiasco.
    I just don't know what to do. :faint:
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi and welcome.... :)

    I am glad you found us, and sorry you need to find us. With that being said it sounds as though you are frustrated and going through alot right now. Often this time of year we have all learned can be incredibly trying on our children and ourselves as well.

    You can go and add a signature on the bottom of your page like i have so we can get to know you better. How old is your child?? You said counseling is out due to finances. Is there any state insurance where you live that you could apply for?? Or counseling centers nearby that will see your difficult child (gift from god) we refer to our children as.

    Also what type of testing have you had done?? Did you ever have a neuropsychologist evaluation done at any point? Does your child have an IEP or 504 at school? IEP is an Individualized Education Plan. I'm just learning about them, it sets goals to be reached, how to obtain them. Certain things can be added as far, such as modified homework, time outs out of classroom if child experiences anxiety or rage.

    Ok, well welcome again. There are alot of wonderful ppl here, and we have all had similar experiences so you are def. not alone in this at all. Others will follow. Boards are a bit slow right now due to the upcoming holidays as well.

    WElcome again
  3. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    Hi! Again, glad you found us, sorry you had to. I also have a 7 year old, with ADHD, ODD, anxiety problems, and possible attachment disorder. We are in the process of getting him a neuorpsych exam referral. We got therapy services through our county Behavioral health center. Our insurance covers it but they also have a sliding scale. No real advice, just welcoming you.

  4. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Welcome. I too have a 7 year old son that the pediatrician diagnoised as ADHD/ODD. We have been to psychologists and to a child psychiatrist. The child psychiatrist ruled out the ODD but does say my son has some mood disorder...just not sure what one yet.

    I'm new to all of this so I really understand how you feel. One thing I have had a hard time understanding is that the reasons for the behavior really isn't the child's fault. There is something "wrong" with them. We wouldn't be upset if they had kidney problems or any other medical issue. This is also a medical issue that requires attention. There is a ton of information on the web about ADHD and ways to deal with it. I have also checked out several books at the library which have really helped. Right now I'm reading The Explosive Child and it is extremely helpful.

    The people around here have a world of knowledge as well and have helped me tremendously. Do some research and take a deep breath. Understanding what is going on really does help but it takes a while.
  5. Transparent

    Transparent New Member

    Welcome aboard - I'm a greenie too.

    Jennifer has some good advice. I'd try a local counseling center or crisis center as well. The one we have here will work with you no matter your financial situation.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi and Welcome!! I recommend reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene to start with.

    Also, you might want to consider changing your avatar and/or not using your difficult child's (gift from God) real name in order to protect your and his privacy. This is a pretty safe and very comfortable place, but it is forum that is open to public viewing.

    I'm a little cranky this morning- sorry- I hope I'm not sounding real blunt.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to the board! You found a soft place to land.

    KLMNO is right, for your privacy, it is probably a good idea to change your avatar and perhaps use a nickname for your difficult child (gift from God - the child who brought you here).

    Who diagnosed your stepson? Have you ever had testing done by a neuropsychologist? They are very thorough in their testing, and if there is more to a child's diagnosis than meets the eye, a neuropsychologist would be the one to find it. You can get that testing done at a children's hospital or learning university.

    Grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, and join our little corner of the web.
  8. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us help you.

    What kind of doctor diagnosed your difficult child with ADHD?
    What kind of doctor is prescribing his medications?
    What do you mean when you say, "we are pretty aware of what is 'causing' his 'stress', as it were"? What do you think is causing the problem?
    Does your difficult child have any sensory issues (for example, sensitivity to clothing tags, loud noises, food textures)?
    Any speech or developmental delays?
    Any substance abuse or mental health issues in the family tree?
    How does he do in school, both academically and with peers?

    I recommend getting your hands on a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It has helped many of us parent our extra-challenging children.

    I'll be able to give you more concrete suggestions once you answer the questions. Again, welcome.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wanted to add my welcome...
  10. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Welcome Mother, frazzled, fuses blown, bug eyed...sleepless, worry worn...
    your boy does sound overwhelming. My adhd is a teen and I do not forget how
    exhausting the 0-when I left him at school today has been.

    In fact what you are doing is on target. You are gathering the facts about your
    child and you are reaching out to find all the available info and help.

    I recommend naps and hot tubs and massage, too, get some down time for you and for young energetic fellow.

    56mg is alot of concerta. Isn't that like maximum doseage?

    What I did was read to my son. Activity and then reading to him, activity and then reading to him, ect. Maybe you will get lucky and it will help you. I would read about 78 pages in a row of chapter books. He and I would get comfortable and he would listen. A mirical. Through out his life sence the teachers and his
    dianosticians ect all comment that he will listen. I also kept him in walkmans and he would listen to books on tape. I stopped reading after 78 pages because my mouth would be bone dry and all the muscles involved with talking would be worn.
    It is work. And it does engage the mind and engages focus even if it is only because it engages the imagination. I think that language is as captivating to the brain as television, really. And children primarily do want contact and the attention of their parent.
    Adhd benefit from LOTS of activity like running and swimming.

    One of the most challenging aspects for these children is self-esteem. They "get worse" when they give up on themselves, I think. When the person who is not this disorder connects to all the useful and productive and meaningful things that they CAN do and ARE doing the esteem blooms and they find their inner motivations. As my sons grasp of what the "adhd" part was for him he became able to talk to me about where he was having difficulies as he got older.

    If is like catching a ball. These children are missing pitches left and right and as parent we are tired of pulling out of the danger in front of them, and repeating ourselves, and the chaotic drama...and when our kid gets lucky and starts catching the ball...woowoo! now we have something to praise and then the child
    begins to anticipate success with their own hands. It is still a challenge but it is
    a more obvious progress toward more possitive success.

    Boy Scouts wasn't very helpfull for us either. Maybe latter you could try again.

    If you feel that your child needs something for his developement just keep looking. I had the most wonderful encounter with a extremely talented play therapist who gave my son some sessions and offered me much hope and encouragement and ideas.

    Work with the school. TEachers have alot to offer. Listen, and ask questions and when you have insights then do not hesitiate to share them. Push when you have to push. Persist when you have to persist.

    At least with this board here you are not going at it alone. Everyone here seems like has had some contact with just every sort of what not and so forth.
    I wish you and your boy a wonderfull future with the best possible outcomes!
  11. Mandy

    Mandy Parent In Training

    I just wanted to say Welcome! You will get great advice on this board:D
  12. robinm1922

    robinm1922 One day at a time

    Welcome, I am new here as well and have gotten some fantastic advice!
    One of the suggestions someone made was to check out http://www.nami.org/ they have a lot of resources for you and they don't charge for any of their services. I went to a parent support group last night and it was wonderful! It was great to talk to people who have been through the same thing and how they handle things. Great place for information and advice. I got a huge information packet (I don't know if all offices offer this) at the meeting plus they mailed me a bunch of stuff when I called them about support groups.

    They would be a good place to start if you are looking for help and can't afford it, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

    I wish you the best of luck and keep checking back this is a great place to get support and advice.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi BlessingPoetry, welcome.

    Here's some hot cocoa.

    My son still wets his bed occasionally. He is allergic to wheat (gluten) and dairy. I can always tell when he has snuck it at school. :) Have you tried an elimination diet with-your stepson?

    Also, 7 is not necessarily a giving age. My son is 12 and still doesn't "get it" when it comes to giving gifts. I would wonder if your son is truly unmotivated or if he doesn't "get it," that other people need to receive gifts. You can explain to him about give and take.

    by the way, when I explain things to my son, I take him aside and talk to him for less than 5 min. If it's longer, it's a lecture (and we've given plenty of those) and he will tune it out.
    Instead of getting bona fide gifts for people, maybe he could just hand-make cards? And you could sit there with-him to help him (but not be too controlling ... my difficult child rankles at the mere thought that I'm helping him. I'm just "keeping him company." :) )

    Scouts was a dismal failure for us, too. It was too detail-oriented, and there was too much down-time. My difficult child needs whole body activity, like running across and flipping over the couch, LOL!

    You've gotten some great ideas here. I agree, you need a good diagnosis.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Long time warrier mom here. I'm not criticizing you because many of us jump to these conclusions, especially with stepkids with difficult birthmothers, but maybe he can't help how he behaves. Maybe he is not the same as other kids. Remember, he has inherited half of his genes from his birthmother and she may function poorly due to a disorder of her own that was never diagnosed. Any substance abuse there? Substance abuse is common in mood disorders. Mood disorders can make one act very irrational until the person is stable. That's one thing you may consider.
    Maybe your stepson really just doesn't "get" that he is being selfish and inappropriate. Even kids that SEEM to be making our lives miserable on purpose often are acting out due to undiagnosed, underlying disorders that have been missed. If he has never been intensively evaluated, you don't really know why he is acting the way he does. I think it's well worth the money to see a private neuropsychologist and have him completely checked out. They do, by far, the best evaluations. I would skip the counseling for now, not until he is evaluated, because some disorders get you school interventions and they don't cost anything. And not all disorders are best treated by counseling. Some kids don't respond to counseling at all. Some don't even understand counseling, especially really young ones.
    in my opinion, he needs an evaluation desperately. A neuropsychologist evaluation would be the best, but if you can't afford one...not sure what to tell you. I'd try to save up? We were lucky and insurance covered ours.
    ODD is not normally a useful diagnosis--it just means defiance--all our kids have that. What we need to find out is WHY they are defiant. ODD rarely stands alone and the ADHD medications aren't helping him. He could have something else that mimics ADHD--like a severe mood disorder or Aspergers Syndrome. How was his early development? Did he hit his milestones on time? Make good eye contact? Cuddle? Does he have any obsessive interests? Is this child socially appropriate? Can he interact well with his same age peers? What kinds of issues make him inflexible? What is the psychiatric tree like on both sides? Genes do tell a lot as does early development. We really need to know more.
    You may want to post a signature on the bottom like I did. It will give all of us a fast overview so that we can try to help you better :)
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2008
  15. compassion

    compassion Member

    Robin, Thanks for the mention and website to Nami. I went to our local website. I am hoping husband and I can do the Family to Family class in January. They also have monthly meetings and helpful info on if you need to call 911,etc. Compassion
  16. Anaheimfan

    Anaheimfan Blue Collar Boy

    Welcome aboard.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome. You will find plenty of help here as well as a lot of moral support.

    A few things, some of which have already been said:

    1) Get your hands on "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. To get a bit of an idea, have a look at the discussion of this book over on Early Childhood. It's sticky, so will be at the top of the forum. The book is a big help especially for kids with oppositional behaviours, regardless of the cause or the diagnosis. If you can't afford to buy a copy, get it out of the local library.

    2) I also think there could well be more to your son than just ADHD. That isn't necessarily bad news - sometimes getting answers that make sense can also open doors to getting help, especially help that needn't cost a fortune.

    3) Try to keep in mind - somewhere in there is a good kid who is incredibly frustrated and confused by a world that doesn't make sense and which is overloading him at times.

    4) The bedwetting - it's quite likely that he really doesn't have as much control here as you think. There can be so many factors, not the least of which can be some degree of sensory integration problems. Rather than perhaps needing a head shrinker, he may just need patience, observation, support and a helping hand especially if you can wait until warmer weather. A lot of us have been through this. We went through it with both boys, in one way or another. Neither of them found it easy to recognise their body signals that told them when it was time to go to the toilet. For years after he finally was toilet training, difficult child 1 would need reminding for bowels frequently. He would literally forget to go. difficult child 3 was still not properly toilet-trained when he started school; I often had to go to the school to clean him up. This isn't too uncommon - there were a few kids I encountered in my volunteering at the school who had this problem. From time to time they had an "air" about them, if you know what I mean.
    Bladder training - difficult child 3 was dry during the day, he never wet himself at school, but he would ALWAYS wet himself at night, floodingly so.

    So here is a tip that you might be able to try now - I presume you have him in Pull-Ups or similar? Try putting cotton underpants on him UNDER the Pull-Ups. He should be able to feel when he's wet. A big part of the problem is that often they just don't recognise as easily, when they're wet. Especially if they sleep really soundly, which some kids do (especially the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or ADHD kids, who are utterly exhausted mentally by the end of each day). Pull-Ups and similar disposable nappies are sometimes TOO good at their job of keeping the child dry next to the skin. Putting underpants there can put back the feeling.
    The other tip is to introduce "toilet time" at several times during the night. The best times to do this are at the child's bed time, then again later on at YOUR bed time. If you can, introduce another one early in the morning. Don't let him wake up and then lie around in bed; often they need to get to the toilet FAST on waking. One young girl I know (classmate of difficult child 3's in the earlier years) would be dry all night, dry on waking, but would wee into the nappy instead of the toilet, out of sheer laziness and habit. All the mother had to do was simply stop using the nappies, and the little girl never wet the bed, she just went to the toilet on waking.

    There are other things you can do - alarms with pads, for example. A tip again - a lot of people put a plastic sheet under the bottom bedsheet. We didn't use plastic because it makes a loud, rustling, crinkle sound. We bought some vinyl fabric (it's cheap to get good stuff) and used a sheet of vinyl instead. Once the child no longer needs it you can use it to re-cover chairs. Or we use it in the car in summer, to put under children and adults who have just been for a swim and are still wearing wet swimsuits.

    Nothing gets wasted!

    Your child should have a thorough evaluation, they take hours and hours when done properly (so the diagnosis isn't just given after a one hour initial consult). This of course costs money, but if you never spend anything else on your child's care, a good and thorough diagnosis is vital.

    We've had to muddle through a lot ourselves, partly due to poverty but mostly due to lack of services in our area. As a result we've learned a lot all by ourselves and despite the lack of big bucks spent, our kids have done/are doing well. Not without hassles at times, but the people on this site have been very helpful to us, and in return we (husband & I) try to help others.

    husband first used to "lurk" here, mostly to see what I was writing about, and later because it helped hi also get a good idea of what to do. He's since joined in his own right. We thought we were communicating really well before; it's even better now.

    So again, welcome.