StressedMomma,
I am new to this forum, so I haven't really posted much in the way of advice because I don't feel adequate (and I don't think I meet the definition of warrior mom, I'm not sure). But your post really struck a chord with me, and I wanted to offer my support. I remember VIVIDLY the many times I have felt exactly the way you describe--consumed. Fully consumed by the drama, chaos, unrelenting anxiety, the feeling that a dark cloud was just over my shoulder and if I turned around too quickly it would "get" me. I, too, wanted my mommy. In fact, one day I drove to her house and laid my head in her lap and just cried. I'm so glad my mom is still here for me (although she somewhat meets the definition of difficult child as another thread discusses). I so miss my mother-in-law because she was the strongest woman I ever met and I always think if only she were here she'd know just what to do...the secret that I am missing. Even discussing my feelings with my husband was not enough because he'd always say, "Why worry about it? What are you going to solve by worrying?" Oh, that's helpful. Then there are the friends who offer the advice, "Let go and let God". Let God what? Set the curfew and enforce it? Protect the rest of us from the rages? Try to enforce the rules of the house? What? (I believe in Let Go and Let God, but I think it's hard to apply when your child is a minor). So it really just makes you feel so alone and helpless because NO ONE who hasn't lived through it can ever understand what you are feeling. This board is AWESOME! These people KNOW! I wish I had found this place years ago.
So, here is my advice (I don't know all of your situation, so some of it may be irrelevant):
1. You must (repeat, must) take care of yourself. You. First. Enlist husband to help (can he take the phone calls from school for a while? Can he deal with the doctors, insurance, legal system if you're involved with that? Can you lock yourself away somewhere while he deals with the rest of the house (if you don't have locks, may I highly recommend at least one on your bedroom door)? Better yet, can you leave the house for a while...night out with friends, maybe even a girls' weekend, maybe, just maybe, an overnight alone with husband (we never could do that because no one could handle difficult child overnight, but you may not be in that position)? Try meditation (I recently discovered this...they make an app for that!), I do it just before bed and I have actually been able to sleep a few hours each night. If you go with an audio version...GET HEADPHONES! You'd be amazed how much they make you feel like you are in another world. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I have a couple of favorite verses that I sometimes quote repeatedly to myself until the panic/crisis moment has passed (or at least settled down). There's an analogy about this. On an airplane when they go through the instructions, they tell you to put your own mask on first before you assist your child or others with their masks. Know why? You can't put your child's oxygen mask on if you're already dead. It's the same principal.
2. There WILL BE an end to this phase in your life. My son will be 17 next month. I remember when he was 14 and I said so many times, "This will never end. He'll never be an adult. I'll be stuck living like this forever. I can't live through it. I can't." But so far I have. I realized at some point along the way that when he turns 18...he's on his own. It will no longer be my duty to provide for his day-to-day needs (by the way, there's an app for this too! It's called Days Until or something like that and I have mine counting down to his 18th birthday). We have done the best we could to provide him with the tools he would need to be a successful adult. Whether he chooses to use those tools or whether he abandons them and follows his own path, it is HIS OWN PATH. My path will continue on, and so will yours. Try to think of where you'd like that path to eventually lead and try to make plans to start down it. Even if you only plan. Research things that interest you. Sign up for an art/craft/knitting/writing/dance/yoga/whatever class. Something that you might be interested in (your community may have free offerings through the library or a local business or gallery). Who knows? Your passion for something may change the world. Or at least your world!
3. Breathe (I'm serious). Inhale through your nose as deeply as you can, until it's almost painful. Let your belly expand while you do this. Hold for several seconds. Exhale through your mouth. Repeat 3 times. I know this sounds like the dumbest advice you have ever heard. I thought it was stupid too, and my mom almost held me down until I followed these instructions. It works. I find when I'm in anxiety mode that I tend to pant rather than actually breathe. It changes the chemical makeup in your blood and it really, really helps (OK, maybe only for a few minutes, but sometimes you can't even get that, so I 'm grateful for even short periods of relief)
4. Eat. Regularly and healthily (including your water. Dehydration is an enemy). The worst depressive state I was ever in was when I quit eating and drinking. I was done emotionally, and I just quit. I ended up in a fetal position in bed for 2 weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if I sucked my thumb during that time. My husband finally burst in the bedroom one day holding a Lean Cuisine in one hand and a fork in the other. He said, "If you don't eat this thing I made, I'm taking you to the hospital. You think you feel bad now? You keep going like this and they're going to tube feed you and that will be worse. Eat it. EAT IT!" It's kind of funny now, but he force fed me that stupid Lean Cuisine and I felt better almost immediately. When I get to the point where I start feeling really dark and hopeless, I think to myself "Perhaps I should eat." and "Oh, God, if I don't eat he'll feed me a Lean Cuisine."
5. Try to find real-life support. There ARE other people in real life going through similar things. Maybe even people you see every day. Sometimes you have to look really hard, and sometimes it falls into your lap. I stand by the fact that this board has made a big difference to me, but it is good to talk to someone else who can relate in real life. Their situation may not be exactly the same, but sometimes their emotions are.
StressedMomma, I hope this helps a little. If nothing else, please know many here understand how you feel and offer their support and good thoughts to you, me included.
