Do you guys know people, or hear conversations around you about the "big pharma conspiracies"...stealing our money and zombifying our children with drugs!! Whenever I hear those statements I can't help but think...well where the hell do I sign up for some of these zombified kids, cause I can't handle my difficult child(s) anymore! Anyhow, after a rough few weeks with difficult child 2..another few physical incidents that I'm so entirely NOT proud of how I handled, and a few that I feel pretty good about in the end, we were able to get in to see difficult child 2's pediatrician. The end result was an ODD diagnosis added to the ADHD, a raising of the Adderall dosage, and now adding risperidone into the mix. As she was explaining everything to me in regards to ODD and how the risperidone works/interacts with ADHD medications I totally zoned out....all I could think of was YAY..maybe I'll finally get to see one of those zombified kids I hear so much about!! I was in a great mood all the way home, running numbers in my head to make sure I could fill both scripts today. Got home..had a few minutes to regroup....and realized how absolutely horrid that line of thinking is...how selfish, disgusting and bordering on insane my thoughts were. How did it get to this...I used to be a pain in the butt when i heard people even giving their kids antibiotics for anything short of the plague...and now here I am jubilantly celebrating a drug cocktail that I really truly don't have a clue about, and don't really even care what the side effects might be as long as I can have just ONE full week of peace and quiet and not feel like i'm in some warped abusive relationship. Then the niggling turning stomach returned, the hot flashes...something another poster referred to...almost a short term memory loss...like not being able to come up with the right word even though it's right THERE on my tongue (it took me 20 mins to type antibiotics above...I KNEW it was something that started with an A...abolish? no....absence? no....absolute??? WTF is going on with my head?? that sort of "self arguement playing out). I burned dinner and easy child ended up late for night school and I just feel like an airhead..nothing makes sense...everything is disorganized and I can't stay focused (is ADHD contagious?!) So, I just needed to get it off my chest that I was cheering for a possible zombified child in my future. I've had to stop speaking to my family and friends about difficult child 2 because despite their "well meaning" intentions they load up far more guilt on me than difficult child does. On a happier note, we finally got a referral to the children's hospital here. I was warned it takes quite a while for the first intake appointment, but once "in" we would have access to any and all specialists (dev peds, pediatrician. neuro, pediatrician psychiatric etc). Also a referral for in home counselling as difficult child 2 has suddenly refused to go to any of the programs we were attending outside of the house claiming he doesn't need them as he punches me in the back and tears up half the house. I hope I can last that long without driving my own self to need some sort of drug cocktail....although at this point, that sounds just fine!