was kicking our son out the right thing?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by 4myson, Feb 7, 2011.

  1. 4myson

    4myson New Member

    After many times of taking our 19 year old son back after he would run away, we kicked him out last night. He is in a probation program (PTI). If he stays clean for a year charges will be dropped. Sat he was out until 4:00 am. Missed work Sunday due to hangover. Would not do a few things we asked him, and he said he just wants to live his life, so my husband told him to pack up and go live his life. He doesn't have a car to use until he comes home. We don't think he should come home until follows our rules and stays clean. There is so much more to this story, I am numb and exhausted right now. He is at a friends house, but my mother in law wants to take him in tomorrow night. The grandparents are the enablers. I used to be an enabler, but finally put my foot down. He doesn't have a ride to school (he just started the community college a few weeks ago). Do I pick him up and take him? He wants to go, but do I or don't I??? I want him to have an education, but I don't want to fall victim to being his enabler again. Motherhood is no picnic.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Set up your boundaries and stick to them. If your boundary is that he cannot live in your home while he is active in his addiction, then stick by that and do not waiver. I don't see anything wrong with giving him a ride to school if it does not inconvenience you. School is a positive thing. These are the lessons I am learning and trying to do myself right now. But it depends on your child, too. Like if I was to pick up mine for anything, I would have a hard time dropping her back off - I can picture her sitting in the car crying saying she had nowhere to go. I won't put myself through that. I have offered a ride to rehab and rehab only and that is what I am sticking to.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Though I am not in this situation, I would say stick to it - the only way NOT to be an enabler is to be consistent... I'm still working on this...
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are no easy answers. We kicked our 19 yo daughter out last week. She had no place to go either so after spending two days drinking at friends' houses she called and asked us to pick her up. She had gotten into a fight with her friend and she dumped her off about 10 miles away. We did pick her up but I still don't know if that was the right thing to do. She also goes to community college and also has a part time job, so if she is on the street she can't get to either. There is so much more to our story too, she has been in trouble with the courts and just had her case expunged. She also spent 60 days in rehab for alcohol but obviously she didn't stay sober.

    No one can tell you if you did the right thing. You have to listen to your gut and do what is best for your family. Our goal is to get her to be self sufficient so she can move out on her own. Then it's up to her what she does with her life. But that goal is getting harder and harder to reach.

    Does your son have a job? When our daughter came back home last week we told her she has to pay her tuition at the community college if she wants to continue going there. Fortunatley we put it on monthly payments so we didn't pay it up front. We decided we were through paying for things that she didn't take seriously.

  5. AHHUM

    AHHUM New Member

    easy child moved out after a snit. Once he turned 18 thought he didn't have to listen to me anymore & could talk to me anyway he wanted. One to many F words directed at me, one slap across his face, next thing I knew he was walking down the street with three backpacks & his army uniform.

    Called about a week later to negotiate his return. Explained he knew what the rules are and he was welcome back anytime he was willing to live with them. He came back a week later.

    Stand firm, do not negotiate or allow minipulation. That's my motto.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I agree with what others have said. There are no easy answers but it is true that enabling them just helps them to continue disobeying the rules and using and that gets them nowhere. Your son sounds similar to mine. We kicked our son out last June, he was 18. He stayed with friends, got arrested a couple of times and eventually took some positive steps. So we let him come home. It wasn't long before he was breaking all the rules again, flagrantly. We started to realize the message he was getting that he could just continue to break the rules was not a good one, I mean this is not how life works. So we kicked him out again in September. He stayed with the same friends and got in more legal trouble which eventually led to his bail being revoked and him spending 2 weeks in jail. Awful time for me, with a lot of self doubt. We did get him a lawyer and they worked out a deal and he ended up going out of state to rehab (which we paid for). He did 90 days and is now living in a halfway house with lots of support from the rehab program. We are helping him out financially until he gets on his feet... but from all reports he is so far doing well and has been sober since Oct 4th. I am now really glad we took the tough stand we did and let him screw up and end up in jail. It may have saved him. Time will tell. So if your son is using drugs or alcohol and not obeying any of your rules then yes I think you did the right thing.... it is the hardest thing for a parent to do but sometimes you have to let them fall, and fall hard.
  7. 4myson

    4myson New Member

    Thank you for your responses. I talked with him yesterday and he made a few promises he did not keep already. I am so sick over this. My son has always been a nice good hearted boy, now he is lost and just plain stupid. I don't think he will listen to anyone but his loser friends.
    He said he is going to my mother in law's tonight to talk to her. He does have a job right now and will need to give us money for his phone and needs to pay his restitution with the courts.
    This is so hard on my 13 year old daughter. She just hugs me and we both start to cry. My 21 year old son is just so angry at him. My husband is having stress pains and I am so worried about him too.
    I am so glad I found this site, I am still trying to figure out how to navigate this site and what abbrations are.
    I see my friend with her baby and think of all the hopes and dreams we have for our kids when they are born and can not figure out how we got to this point. I just cry and feel so lost right now.
  8. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Big ((hugs)) to you! I feel as you do after putting my 19 year old out. Sometimes I am just driving to the store and I start to cry when I think she might be cold and hungry somewhere. I think it's almost good to let it out. I spend a lot of time talking to my own mother and sister for support when I feel I need it. You have your husband and other children and the understanding and kindness of these forums.This is sometimes the only place you can pour your heart out.
  9. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I think one of the hardest things for us, and sometimes people around us, is that when your child goes down this desperate path, it is as if the child you knew is dead. It's a real grieving process. Sometimes you are so sad and weepy, next your angered and going to do something. The hard part is all the days that things seem "normal". They throw you for a loop. Then your child does the rule breaking, drug taking, blaming, raging thing again, and off you (one) go into the grief thing again. What is sad is you never get to the end of the grieving cycle because you are on a roller coaster. I am working on disembarkment- It is so hard not to center your (ones) life around a child you so desperately love and want back. Keep hope alive in your heart and take care of your self.
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    When you first start going through all of this there is a certain type of mourning. You will mourn the child you had all those hopes and dreams for, that you dreamed of becoming a doctor and now would be happy if they worked at Burger King! It's all part of the process.

    As far as what you should and shouldn't do for him, you have to follow your instincts. Just because you kicked him out, doesn't mean you can't help him when you feel he's making the right choices. I tell my difficult child that all the time. He hasn't lived with me in 6 years, since he was 18, and will never live me again, but I always tell him that as long as he's making good choices I will be here to support him emotionally, but when he's not I will back up for a while. I always remind him that I love him with my whole heart, but I will not love him to death.

    I find myself lately looking at all the babies and toddlers and wishing my difficult child was that age again and that we all had the chance to start over and see if his life would turn out any differently??

    Have you tried alanon????
  11. 4myson

    4myson New Member

    He came over the other night and asked to come home. He did come home. Non of his friends parents would take him in for more then one night. We know his friend Tom(who has been homeless & stays with us half the week) talked with him. Tom's family will not even talk to him and kicked him out for other reasons 7 months ago. Tom had said to our son , how lucky he was that want to talk and work things out, and our rules are not unreasonable, he just has to follow our rules. I need to find drug tests, because we told him if he drives our car (only to school and work) we will be randomly drug testing him.
    So far, so good, but I feel like I can never breath again with him. He has been going to work and school, so hopefully he will maintain the responsibilities he has. THANK you to everyone here. I will be on this site daily. I need to know what else I can do to have a safe home for all 5 of us, without tension and stress. (thats not likely, just hope for peace in the household).
  12. GB_42_XYZ

    GB_42_XYZ Member

    Any peace will likely be short-lived.

    I am counting the months until I can kick mine out permanently and get a restraining order. 11 months to go.... It seems like an eternity.
  13. hudgins

    hudgins New Member

    you can suspend him not kick him out send him to a different family member or a close friend and when he gets his but in order accept him back
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope he abides by your rules. Our difficult child could not and she has been out of the hosue for almost two weeks now. She is staying at a neighbor's house where they smoke pot and allow the teens to come and go as they please. She asked to come home once but by the next day she was swearing at me and back to never wanting to come home again. There is a mourning that goes on and I'm in the middle of it. While the house is more peaceful I am in agony worrying about her.

    The sad thing is if your son is using drugs it will only be a matter of time before it all falls apart again. I hope for all of you that that doesn't happen.