Wayward daughter

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
GN, i am very happy to educate. Most likely these dysfunctional adult children have been misdiagnosed as bipolar (many clueless mental health professionals out there). Bipolar is a mood disorder that is very treatable and, as one in many mental health groups for mood disorders, have not seen this mean behavior with "bipolars" (this hits me like a racial slur. It hurts and is NOT true). I believe these behaviors are personlity disorders...borderline/narcicism. They are hard to treat and much more serious.
Please, folks, lets be a little sensitive here. Bipolar disorder is the hot diagnosis right now, but there are no blood tests ro prove any mental health diagnoses and you dont know that these people all had/have bipolar. We are diverse and as kind as those without mood disorders.
Please be careful. Lots of us here have mental health challenges and also a knowledge of our and other disorders and this horrible behavior is not due too bipolar. Please....stop. if you truly believe that bipolar causes your loved ones to be mean, we cant change your mind, but can you refer to them as difficult children instead of bipolars? This is offensive.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
SWOT and Going North, I appreciate your educating us on the proper usage of mental illness labels, I can imagine how hard and even offensive it is to be negatively categorized.

Half my family has been diagnosed as struggling with bi-polar, unfortunately when in their manic states, they were quite mean. Perhaps they are suffering with conduct disorders, I don't know. If someone is diagnosed by a professional and they believe that diagnosis, right or wrong, that is their only reference point.

We may from time to time state the improper diagnostic name because that is what we've been told. If folks are doing that it is because they have been misinformed by a professional, they have no other information.

My concern here is that when folks initially arrive on this site, as newstart has, they are depleted, exhausted and desperate.....in my opinion, what they need is compassion and kindness. As important as it is to educate folks, I don't think this post is the place to do that. Folks are frail and vulnerable, to be taken to task about improper diagnostic usage may only add to their fragility and keep them from continuing to post. Please be cognizant of just how desperate and scared parents are. Empathy is called for. Not criticism. Perhaps a separate thread to educate.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Re, calling people bipolars...I felt the need to address it.

I am not blaming OP. In this thread the bipolar meanness was unusually strong and, sorry, unjustified in my opinion. I really think it is the same as a racial slur. I almost always agree with you, but i think calling people by a diagnosis after explaining behavior that is heinous is not necessary.
Maybe one needs to have a mental illness to understand. We are very discriminated against! I have risked slot to tell others here about my mental illness. I did not expect it throen in my face as if I am a leper to be avoided. It isnt like that.

Mania is usually part psychosis. There is no indication these people in this thread were psychotic. Psychosis can indeed make somebody mean. But it doesnt continue after stabilization.

If a new poster is frazzled , which I do understand, but said a racial slur, it would not be accepted. Nor in my opinion should something as hurtful as this go unaddressed. It is charactorizing everyone with alleged bipolar as horrible people that one needs to dump for sanity. Years ago, borderline was diagnosed as bipolar. Nobody knew about borderline. And they are still often confused. A few psychiatrists I have seen have said as much.

I expressed my feelings as one with a mood disorder and am done now. I am sorry you feel I was inappropriate. Apparently at least two of us were very hurt by this. I feel we matter too. Our feelings matter. One can talk about "my daughter with untreated bipolar" and it sounds better thsn "I dumped all the bipolars" ( cringe).

I am sorry you disagree with my speaking up. And a bit surprised. But I felt attacked and demeaned.

If you wish to make this a seperate post, I am okay with this. I have much co.passion for all here and always have. Now I hope they return the compassion. I am not a bipolar and have never acted like these toxic adult kids who allegedly have bipolar. I am a kind person whose family loves me and who goes out of my to be supportive to hub and kids. I never stole, i dont call my loved ones names and my behavior is not like what was dezcribed here. And I try to help struggling people here. And I may be mildly bipolar. One of many diagnosis. I got. There are no definite ways to diagnose a pstchiatric problem. None.
 
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newstart

Well-Known Member
I joined this group because it was for parents of adult children that had a conduct disorder. Unless you have a child with a conduct disorder, you have no business answering my posts. A friend told me one time that it was very important for me to get on a support group of NON bipolar parents trying to live through the grief of their bipolar child. This is where I went wrong. My daughter has the official diagnosis as bipolar. I am guessing she is borderline or even a psychopath. Some of you may have had major problems with your CD child but someone us who feel our child is a step beyond CD are overwhelmingly grieved. As recovering said, the diagnois of bipolar is a point of refrence, that is what it says on my daughter's medical file. I am not sure what the other in laws have, I heard it was bipolar, all I know is that they made my life and my husbands life living hell. I do agree that sometimes borderline and BiPolar get mixed up and at one point my daughter was diagnoised as ADHD. The bottom line is that what ever this horrible mental illness is, the destruction, turmoil, confussion, pain and other very negative emotions that go with it is enough to kill someone. Being on the receiving end of an out of control CD person can actually kill someone. I am a sensitive person, I try very hard to be kind to all, I never mean to harm or offend, I just came here in such overwhelming grief that I typed out of anger. Writting is very theraputic to let out total agony. Conduct disorders, if they are evil or ill it does not matter the damage it leaves is overwhelmingly toxic. I was told my mother and sister in law were bipolar that is why I used the term. The grief they caused almost caused my death. This has been a very long and winding road.
 

1905

Well-Known Member
I get you newstart. Your daughter sounds like my son. My son had been diagnosed ODD, ADHD and he's 30 now, long past my involvement, married with kids and a lunatic wife. He has always tried to get one over on us, steal, cheat and lie to get what he wants. It hurts seeing this. Worse though..my own husband believes every lie as my son ups his game. My son has a serious mental problem, whatever it is. I know though...all lies, all trying to cheat and steal from his own parents, I have actual hate for my own child. I cry, it hurts so bad. It's the damage you speak of, I'm sure someone could have said "bipolar" or anything, but that's just a word, I understand. I don't post often, my child hurts me so bad, there isn't many words but I know what you mean. It's enough to kill a person.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Personality disorders cause this, not bipolar. And sometimes people are altered by addiction, even pot, or are just not nice.

At any rate, I am sorry if I made anybody uncomfortable. I understand, because of my own difficult adult child, that the problem is the problem...the behavior. I just know I could never be like them, including like my own difficult child who I feel has Narcicistic traits. I have a mood disorder...it is controlled...I could never match his abuse, although he is getting more mindful of how he treats me as I have set strong boundaries. He is 40, for pity sales, and less able to handle life than his 21 year old sister and 24 year old very brave and grounded autistic brother. 40 is the one who wants all my time and is capable of meanness galore if he doesn't like what I say.

It is at the point where I focus with gratitude on the loving kids in my life and my husband and dread when he calls me. The up side is he does have a good job and lives two states away. His son is tjere so he wont leave. He does afore his son. I ferl guilty saying this, but I am glad he is fawr away. He does not like any of his siblings, just me (lucky me) and i am very close to his siblings...it would be hard if he lived near the rest of us.

I apologize for my response to the charactoration (sic) of people with bipolar. I do feel it is very over diagnosed and often diagnosed when it is really borderline, which does cause cruelty. But the sensitivity is MY problem, not yours. Please don't stop coming here because of that. In the end, helping each other cope is the reason we are here, not our/my petty hurts.
This is a nice group. Honest. Forgive me please.
 
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newstart

Well-Known Member
I get you newstart. Your daughter sounds like my son. My son had been diagnosed ODD, ADHD and he's 30 now, long past my involvement, married with kids and a lunatic wife. He has always tried to get one over on us, steal, cheat and lie to get what he wants. It hurts seeing this. Worse though..my own husband believes every lie as my son ups his game. My son has a serious mental problem, whatever it is. I know though...all lies, all trying to cheat and steal from his own parents, I have actual hate for my own child. I cry, it hurts so bad. It's the damage you speak of, I'm sure someone could have said "bipolar" or anything, but that's just a word, I understand. I don't post often, my child hurts me so bad, there isn't many words but I know what you mean. It's enough to kill a person.
I hear your words 1905 and I feel for you. There are many levels to CD and some of us are dealing with an extra huge load amount. My husband luckily does not believe a word our daughter says. He tries to ignore her for the most part, and even though she deserves him ignoring her, it hurts me to see this type of dyfunction. Even though she hurts and harms me to the core, I still want others to be good and kind to her, in fact it really hurts when someone tells me what a --it she is. We have to watch our finances like a hawk. My daughter comes over to our home each time we go out of town. She said it is to check it out to make sure things are ok. Last time we forgot to change the codes so she came in, we combed through everything and so far everything looks ok. I do not want anyone in my home or life that I have to watch like a hawk, making sure they do not rip me off. I live a very simple clutter free lifestyle so if she did take something I would know right away. Besides robbing me of my dignity, self respect, money, and reality though her never ending lies, I really don't want such a person in my home or even in my circle. If she were not my daughter she would be gone a long time ago. She actually hurts my spirit down deep to the core. I am learning more and more about detatchment and it is feeling more and more right. Even after all is said and done, the fact remains that I have one daughter and she is horrible to me. I know some of you will say well do this or do that and I am positive I have done all that anyone can suggest but in reality I gave birth to a daughter, it is not so easy to just walk away and no matter the grief she has caused I still love her deeply and I have no idea how or why I feel this. I have no idea how someone can be so fiercly ugly to me and I claim to still love them.. I can love her from afar and not have to take her abuse. Anyone that is on the receiving end of this type of abuse has to have PTSD and I know I do. What makes my situation so much worse is that I have lost a son and truly understand that life is short, unpredictable, and each day is to be treasured. I believe it is important to live in harmony with yourself and with others. I have swallowed so much grief and have excused my daughter behavior to the point I have lost my own self respect. I have it back full on now and will not let her walk all over me ever again. I thought that blowing her off for 3 months did the trick but here we are again with me having to do it all over again to save my sanity. I was still feeling sorry for her when she was 28. She is now 35 1\2 and feeling sorry for her it still there a bit but not very much. The older she gets the less I feel sorry for her because if she wanted to stop the nasty behavior she could. I just pray for all the people that are harmed in her wake, I know she knows right from wrong, she is highly intelligent yet choices to live on the wrong path. She stays highly manic in her relationship with her live in, live out boyfriend that I believe has a CD.

1905, I do hope you share more, it is theraputic to write it out, I feel better since I am not holding it in and actually putting the feelings into words, helps me process and move forward. As grieved and pained as I feel, I now have a sense of peace. I wish all of us deep peace as we work out way though this very difficult journey.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Personality disorders cause this, not bipolar. And sometimes people are altered by addiction, even pot, or are just not nice.

At any rate, I am sorry if I made anybody uncomfortable. I understand, because of my own difficult adult child, that the problem is the problem...the behavior. I just know I could never be like them, including like my own difficult child who I feel has Narcicistic traits. I have a mood disorder...it is controlled...I could never match his abuse, although he is getting more mindful of how he treats me as I have set strong boundaries. He is 40, for pity sales, and less able to handle life than his 21 year old sister and 24 year old very brave and grounded autistic brother. 40 is the one who wants all my time and is capable of meanness galore if he doesn't like what I say.

It is at the point where I focus with gratitude on the loving kids in my life and my husband and dread when he calls me. The up side is he does have a good job and lives two states away. His son is tjere so he wont leave. He does afore his son. I ferl guilty saying this, but I am glad he is fawr away. He does not like any of his siblings, just me (lucky me) and i am very close to his siblings...it would be hard if he lived near the rest of us.

I apologize for my response to the charactoration (sic) of people with bipolar. I do feel it is very over diagnosed and often diagnosed when it is really borderline, which does cause cruelty. But the sensitivity is MY problem, not yours. Please don't stop coming here because of that. In the end, helping each other cope is the reason we are here, not our/my petty hurts.
This is a nice group. Honest. Forgive me please.
Someoneoutthere,Thank you for educating everyone. I do understand bipolar is a mood disorder, I was using the word to cover a large portion of CD. Since my daughter obviously has more than one issue it would be best to just call it CD. I hope you are feeling peaceful in your daily struggles.
 
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