WE ARE DONE!!!!!! Update

busywend

Well-Known Member
Karen, he is just burying himself. I suggest you sit back and watch him spiral. You will get something out of this. Maybe a really great trip for Xmas :grin: Just joshing with you! I figured you needed a laugh.

He has lost it. For sure. He views you as a buddy. Not a love interest. I am sorry, I am sure that is painful to think about. Why he would be telling your boyfriend anything is beyond me. Does he think she will not share?
His choice in people to 'not' have sex with is quite interesting. I am sure he is liking the attention....needy man.

HUGS!!

I am toasting a white zin to you!!



 

Sunlight

Active Member
karen, it is going to get worse before it gets better.
then again..once it is better, it will be awesome.

look ahead. do you have a lawyer yet?
 

saving grace

New Member
Karen, sounds like H should take a lesson from his easy child/difficult child son on how to be a man.
I am sorry that he is such a butthead. Hugs my friend

Grace
 

Marguerite

Active Member
So one minute he is complaining about her stalking him and wanting to put a restraining order on her, and THEN he picks her up when she makes a drunken call from the cop shop? Puhlease...

And HE called HER and said "I never want you to call me again" - sorry, doesn't wash.

None of this sounds like the real truth. Sorry. And then to find out he still didn't tell you all of it - I don't think he could lie straight in bed.

But don't call him. Ignore him. You're both taking 'cooling off' time now anyway, just leave him. The more you DON'T interfere, the more he seems to dig himself in, without any help from you. Don't give him the slightest chance to say, "After my wife rang, I just went berserk, I didn't know what to do, I figured it's all over anyway so I hit the cathouse..." or whatever.

And as for the girl, who doesn't sound the most stable - after what you said earlier about how he has treated her, I'm not surprised. You need to sit him down and make him watch that lovely movie with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close.

And just how lesbian is this lesbian friend, if she was in his bed?

I'm really, morbidly curious about this - why would the girlfriend being there, drunk, and seeing P in his bed, foul things up between Dave & P? Even if she woke up and saw the exchange (if he's right and there was nothing going on other than him trying to sober up a friend) - why should P care? he's separated from his wife (who doesn't understand him), she's a lesbian anyway, she already thinks he's a good bloke who's misunderstood - what could have been wrong about that scenario from P's point of view? Seriously? Unless it wasn't that scenario being painted at all, and whatever he's told P would have been shown up to be a big fat lie if she woke up. When she woke up.

There is a whole lot here that just isn't giving the right number when you add it all up.

The trouble with lies, is that they compound. The more creative you get with the truth,. the harder it is to keep it all straight as life gets more complicated. And the more lies you tell, the more complicated life gets...

I do feel sorry for this girlfriend, though. I'm not saying she's white as snow, but if you can look at the whole situation from her perspective, I think it brings you closer to the real truth, the one he's not telling anyone - let's see how well I can remember.
She's out somewhere on the town with her mother. Sees an attractive man. Maybe she already knows him - never got that detail - but as far as she is led to believe, he is separated from his wife. Maybe even thoroughly single (ie not going through divorce proceedings). Certainly she has no idea he still claims to be happily married (to his wife). So she goes out with him. She gets involved. She likes him (smooth talker). Then he tells her, "Sorry, I AM married, she's found out about us, I want to work on things with my wife. It's over." (I'm being kind to him here, he said he had ended it).
Alternative truth here - she discovers the louse is still married (maybe she followed him home, saw you both together? We know she follows him) and SHE tells HIM to take a long walk off a short pier. He then tells you that he found her too whiny (which she probably is, if she goes out and gets drunk enough to get picked up by the cops). It's his way of saving face with himself (since you don't know where the truth lies in this and if he has any control over it, you won't).
Then you chuck him out. Because this drama queen of a man has been pouring his heart out to anyone who will listen, that he only had an affair because his wife doesn't understand him (= she is cold, she is uninterested, she doesn't fall on the ground foaming at the mouth in delight when I walk in the door). And of course, he tells people this for two reasons - first, he wants to get his version of events in first because OF COURSE you'll blab it everywhere (judging you by his standards); and he loves the drama and the attention, it makes him feel loved, this poor, emotion-starved scrap of human misery. And of course, because she is so attentive, she is on of the first he tells this to. And every word is a joy to her ears, she could win this man for herself after all - at last! Years of being lonely are at last over...
So now he decides to move out (not your idea at all). He moves in with friend who will understand (ie friend who has only heard his side of the story, which makes you out to be a selfish, cold ogress). Of course, to friend (P) he never really did have an affair, and if he did it's all over anyway. If ex-girlfriend knows anything at all about where he's living (because he won't tell her, for some strange reason) it is that he is living with "a mate".
I have doubts about P, but I'm letting it stand for now. She is a tad too sympathetic for a standard lesbian maid, most of whom would rip a guy to shreds if he did anything like this to one of her sisters. But maybe she's not a true 'sister'.
So ex-girlfriend knows he has moved out, she has followed him to his flat and also checked out your place. She thinks there is hope. Maybe he gives her hope - a bloke who has a girl throwing herself at him and who is now considering himself a free agent, will generally take whatever is offered.
But this is a girl who isn't interested in casual sex - she wants commitment. (Now we KNOW she is crazy - commitment from HIM?) And he isn't interested in commitment. Clearly.
So what is going through her mind? She is distraught, he has betrayed her too many times. First he says he's single. Then he says he's married. Then he IS single. Then he says he STILL isn't interested in a relationship with her but will happily take all the sex he can get - a woman copping this would feel used, angry, emotional and use everything she has to make him look after her - she will become NEEDY. Isn't it poetic justice? HE is stuck with a needy ex-girlfriend? Then he takes her home to his place (maybe she nagged him into it) and she sees a WOMAN in his bed (and I suspect he let her see P, deliberately) and she storms out on him. Again. Probably making threats of castration, etc. I know I would have, in her shoes. So NOW he thinks, maybe I need a protection order... but he's done it all to himself.

A woman I know very well could be the twin of this woman. Not married until her late thirties because she has standards; then falls for an abusive, manipulative, lying so-and-so and ends up as a battered wife who will still put up with it rather than be single again. Until her husband finally realises that the ultimate cruelty he can inflict is to leave her.

This woman is a mess. How much of a mess she was before your husband played with her, I couldn't say, but she is now a lot worse off, I suspect. And I think he is stuck with her in his life for some time to come. Good.

Thus ends my amateurish analysis. Feel free to use it in your novel.


Now to stop my rambling. You've had some good advice so far. Now to summarise and add my own -

1) Consult a lawyer before you do ANYTHING, and that includes talking to him. If he can lie about stuff like this, then he can lie about "Don't worry, I won't take advantage of you." How does he define this?

2) Don't contact him. Leave him alone. BBK is right about the stupid tree; whoever mentioned train wrecks is also on the money.

3) Make sure you are safe. I don't think you need worry too much about girlfriend, but it won't hurt to keep an extra eye open and to take precautions.

4) And my final suggestion - take notes. Take detailed notes. Do some character sketches on the other players in this; the lesbian flatmate who shares his bed; the other friend he talks to before he talks to you, tells her more 'truth' than he tells you; the distraught girlfriend who somehow feels this guy is actually worth the chase; the cops who have to handle all this.
Then put it all into a novel. It will outsell Jackie Collins, I guarantee you.

Marg
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
Marg is absolutely right about everything! Especially about the notes!

I had an unstable manipulative "drama queen" ex with a goofy new money-grubbing girlfriend thrown in for good measure. For the FIFTEEN MONTHS it took for the divorce to be final, I wrote down EVERYTHING! I kept kind of a diary - wrote down every phone call, every conversation, every call or visit to the attorney, detailed notes about every visit with the kids - everything. It became invaluable when I needed it! When things came up, even a year later, I had names, dates, everything! And writing it all down is a good way to work through it all too. I highly recommend it.
 

SRL

Active Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nancy</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Wow he sure has hit bottom, what an idiot. Sounds like a trashy novel. I would be at the attorney's office tomorrow.

Nancy </div></div>

I'd be at the bank first transferring money into a personal account. My former brother in law spent a was of his and sister in law's savings on vacations and weekend jaunts with girlfriends and the judge opted not to hold him responsible for what was already spent even though sister in law had proof via the Visa bills.

Then I'd head to the attorney's.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Karen, I should also say, hugs to you from down under, life really shouldn't be as hard as it is sometimes. But you WILL get through this.

And do take those notes - if you do nothing else, you can take them outside and have a lovely bonfire with them all, it will be really therapeutic.

Just make sure you have nothing to reproach yourself with, in any way. I don't think you need to anything to him at all - he's doing it to himself.

Stay strong, have faith in yourself. You deserve far better than this.

Marg
 

KFld

New Member
Marguerite, the lesbian is the friend he is living with, the girlfriend is the one that is stalking him and the one he picked up because she was drunk and then brought her back to the friends house to sleep. So he not only is now jeopeardizing his own safety, if this girl truley is wacked in the head and stalking him, but he put the safety of this friend who let him move in in jeopardy also by letting her know where he is living. he has also put the safety of myself and 17 year old daughter safety in jeopardy because he told me she knew he wasn't living home anymore, because she drives by MY house all the time to see if he's there.

My brother in law is getting me the name of an attorney today. I did hit the roof with h yesterday. I know I should have listened to you all, but I had a lot to say and I wasn't going to give myself a chance to calm down.
I told him that when he told J, my boyfriend, that he was going to tell me everything, he forgot to leave out the part of allowing his stalker to sleep in his bed. Of course right away he starts, you don't understand, it wasn't my fault, I had no choice, she got pulled over and would have been arrested if I didn't go get her. I said, are you listening to yourself?????

I told him he has put everyones safety in danger. I was through with him and that I've already contacted an attorney to file for legal seperation.
I told him he has so many issues it's not even funny and that is nothing I have done in 27 years to cause him to do any of this and I will not take the blame for it.
I also told him that I have not told our kids he was having an affair, not have I said one thing negative to them about him, but if thinks about screwing me financially or emotionally in any way, that will be the first thing I do is tell them everything he is doing and then not only will he have lost me, but he will have lost them also.

He started spouting off about me just being willing to throw away 27 years of marriage and I stopped him dead in his tracks. I told him he threw away 27 years of marriage, not me. I told him everything he has done was by his choice and his choice alone and I won't be blamed for it for one second.

He mentioned something about the fact that he should have never left the house. He went on and on about abandonment laws, which don't even exsist in CT anymore. Already looked into that one. I told him if he wants to move back into the house because I really don't even want to be in it anymore, just call me up and give me 24 hours to pack up your daughter and tell her daddy says we need to move out. I'll do it in a second. It will come out of his pocket and she'll never speak to him again.

I had no plans of letting me kids know anything he is doing. If they find out, it will be through no fault of his own.

I am proud of myself. I have let him walk on me for years.

Everything is in both of our names. He can't sell the houses out from under me and if he wants to start draining bank accounts, he will lose his business. That is one thing I know about him. He will do nothing to lose his business. If he did that, he will lose everything.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Karen, I am so sorry it has come to this.

But, I beg you not to assume you know what is next. Or what he will or will not do. He may give up the business and move to Aruba. You JUST NEVER KNOW. Weirder things have happened during divorce.

You must truly think like an outsider. Let the attorney advise you.

And don't forget to take that 'me' time!
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Karen...

My parents divorced after 30 years. Im sure my father thought he knew my mother well. Im sure he thought he knew her well enough that she would NEVER start taking money from bank accounts and hiding it. Im sure he thought that she would never start opening CD's in just her name months before she decided to ask him for a separation.

And my parents divorce wasnt due to any infidelity or moral outrage or abuse. My mom was just crazy.

Guess what...my mom started slowly withdrawing funds from the accounts over time and my dad never really noticed because my mom handled all the financial matters. He worked, she did the banking. She was the stay at home wife while I was growing up. She took him good.

She withdrew about 35k in a year and put it in her name only. Long term CD's. She hid them. She also got about 10K and put it into cash in a safety deposit box under my name so when the divorce went into effect it wouldnt be locked. She was no dummy.

You have to think...anything can happen...even people you think you know well can do things you never dreamed they would.
 
Karen,

Please make sure you have a great attorney!!! I'm glad you're getting rid of H now. I'm glad you're not wasting any more time with him!!!

Keeping you in my thoughts... WFEN
 

KFld

New Member
He just called me with his tail between his legs. He wanted me to know he wants to sit down so we can together figure out exactly what we own and then split it right down the middle. I think the man just spent a night freaking out that I'm going to destroy him and his business.

I told him it sounds like a great idea. If we can do this 50/50 with no nastiness and both move on, it would be the best thing for both of us.

I told him I'll contact an attorney that we can use to do a legal seperation for now, figure out who gets what and take it from there.

I guess something I said last night got his attention!!!

Janet, the difference here is that I pay all the bills and I have access to the accounts online at a moments notice. He doesn't even know the pin number to check anything. Yeah, he could go to the atm and drain the account, but he'd be killing his own business and he knows that.

If someone were to have access to drain the accounts, I would be the one. I won't ever think of doing that. All I want is 50% of what I have 27 years into.

He sounds like he has realized that is the way to do it. We'll see if it lasts. My brother in law just called me with the name of an attorney, so I will make an appointment for us to both go in with our list of assets and take it from there.

I would like to come out of this with us not hateing each other and move onto our new lives.
 

SRL

Active Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Janet, the difference here is that I pay all the bills and I have access to the accounts online at a moments notice. He doesn't even know the pin number to check anything. Yeah, he could go to the atm and drain the account, but he'd be killing his own business and he knows that.

</div></div>

Don't assume anything. His draining the account and opening another for the business is always a possibility. Protect yourself ASAP.
 

witzend

Well-Known Member
Sounds good Karen. For now, gather up all of the financial records and make copies that you can keep safe.
 
Karen, please please PLEEEEEEAAAAAASE don't assume anything.

Let me put it to you this way. He did what he did, and has convinced him self and the lesbian brigade that he had every right to do so. Men are conniving and manipulative. They are convincing and dramatic.

If he was able to pull that off, think what he can do out from under you, while he is looking right at you and smiling. When he got desperate, he said and did all kinds of stupid things so that you would see things his way. Right? Men get VERY desperate (and very vindictive) when they are about to lose their wife and possibly any of their possessions. They are capable of unspeakable acts.

I am telling you. Have everything you need in your armory. You may never need it, but you will be glad if you do.

I am a divorcee from my best friend and soulmate. been there done that.
 

LittleDudesMom

Well-Known Member
Word of advice from someone that has been there. Bonehead asked me for the seperation and was very generous and ready to agree to everything at the beginning. Unfortunately, because we have several complicated business issues, and it was easier to just seperate and have a verbal "I'll take care of things", it wasn't until three years later that we worked on or agreement papers.

He did take care of everything and kids and I didn't want for anything financially over those three years. But when it finally came down to working out the agreement three years later, he tried renigging on many things he had agreed to before. He wasn't as guilty or as contrite.

It took a little work, a little arguing, and a litle "if you want to marry your half-your-age honey you'll anty up but, ultimately it worked out for me.

I suggest getting that agreement worked out now, while he is sorry and guilty! A good attorney can make sure that he is not hiding money through the business or in some other form.

Sharon
 

KFld

New Member
We are getting it worked out now. We are filing for a legal seperation and will get everything financially in a row. I called an attorney and I'm waiting to see when I can get an appointment to get all of this done. Nothing is going to be done on word. It will all be done legally on paper. I already know how quickly he can change his mind, so it will all be in writing. I'm going to sit down this weekend and write a list of everything we own.

I'm going to try and have a somewhat relaxing weekend. Playing cards tonight with my friends, 2 of them who happen to be his brothers, and I'm looking forward to it.

Also got some Lunesta from a friend of mine, so I'm looking forward to catching up on some sleep this weekend.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Sounds like you're getting it together, Karen.
Sigh.
Try to get some rest and peace during the weekend. Making a list of everything you own will help you focus.
 
Top