Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
We don't think ourselves into a new way of living; we live ourselves into a new way of thinking.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665662" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is hard to see beyond the justifications with which we rationalized our responses COM, but you are right. We cannot go further until we address the places we have let ourselves down. We have to face then that we were not perfect. Not even not perfect either, but not perfect, at all.</p><p></p><p>It's humbling, to do that.</p><p></p><p>And a big part of perfect has nothing whatsoever to do with humility.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>For me, that place was, first, a real crisis of faith. And the answer was to accept and believe and believe it was okay to reply honestly: "I don't know. I love you so much, but <em>I don't know.</em>"</p><p></p><p>There is such honesty in saying so, when we have built a persona around: I know. I will find out and then, I will know and then I will tell you. I will tell you <em>and you will listen.</em></p><p></p><p>That is where I would trip myself up.</p><p></p><p>That is where I would clean myself up.</p><p></p><p>Right there.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know! What a freaking eye opener that was.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>Nicely spoken, COM.</p><p></p><p>Very nice.</p><p></p><p>I like this description very much, for me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>"...and me being the one who was going to lead him to a better life."</em></p><p></p><p>It takes courage to reach that point. We are their mothers (or fathers). We are supposed to know; we are supposed somehow, to love them enough to love them through it. That is how the ugliness of the moral corruption that happens when we routinely enable begins.</p><p></p><p>Love.</p><p></p><p>That's why it's so hard to see it.</p><p></p><p>We see the ties, the conditions, our love carries. We have to look that one right square in the eyes and see ourselves, there.</p><p></p><p>And see what our love has become.</p><p></p><p>How did that ever happen to us?</p><p></p><p>But it did.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And when we can see this, then we have let go of perfect. And embraced humility.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That must be what I am working toward, now.</p><p></p><p>It's a really, really hard thing.</p><p></p><p>I think I have the time piece. I remind myself I have time; just a little space of time, to do nothing. Maybe, the time it takes to draw a breath.</p><p></p><p>And then, to draw another, fuller breath.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I just had to go back and put this quote in my response, too.</p><p></p><p>I have such trouble with obedience.</p><p></p><p>I'm serious.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>And I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting in my life.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p><em>"You don't have to believe everything you think."</em></p><p></p><p>I think it was Eckhart Tolle who said that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>We learn they are meant to be their own safe harbor; their own best, internalized mother within.</p><p></p><p>Our time for that kind of mothering we did when they were little is over. We respond to their pain, and mother from those times. Maybe, that is why, when our kids are so troubled and in such danger, we see their faces when they were little. Our job now, if we intend to function as the mothers they need now, is to trust that we have done our jobs well; that we have been good enough moms, and that they have everything they need already, to meet whatever challenge life presents them.</p><p></p><p>We are their witnesses; their people who believe they can.</p><p></p><p>That is what enabling destroys.</p><p></p><p>The adult child's trust in himself.</p><p></p><p>Well, and it destroys our trust in him (or her), too.</p><p></p><p>We rush to the rescue, confirming our belief and instilling in them the belief, that they need us.</p><p></p><p>What they need is themselves. Is to trust in themselves.</p><p></p><p>If we had behaved that way when they were toddlers learning to walk, they would still be crawling, today.</p><p></p><p>But you know? Those little stinkers used to get just far enough away from me, when they were toddlers, and fall down, anyway.</p><p></p><p>In a sense? That is what our adult kids are doing, now. Getting far enough away from us that finally, they can stumble and fall and learn to walk.</p><p></p><p>When you see it that way, the kids are doing that. Getting into more and more dangerous, prone to fall down situations to see whether they can walk...or whether we are right, and that they cannot do it without us.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know. I hardly recognize myself.</p><p></p><p>But I like the way I see, now.</p><p></p><p>I might even like myself. </p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>That is true.</p><p></p><p>I think before, I liked the picture of myself. The one where, if I didn't know, I knew I would find out.</p><p></p><p>Now, I am like, "Oh, yay. Morning."</p><p></p><p>Before, I was like, "Morning. Today I will...."</p><p></p><p>And then? Come H*** or highwater, that is exactly what I would do. But I was never, ever, done.</p><p></p><p>That's true.</p><p></p><p>I was chased by guilt, before. Now, I am just here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you, Child of Mine.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>The difference now is I see them. Before, I would fix them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665662, member: 17461"] I love this. It is hard to see beyond the justifications with which we rationalized our responses COM, but you are right. We cannot go further until we address the places we have let ourselves down. We have to face then that we were not perfect. Not even not perfect either, but not perfect, at all. It's humbling, to do that. And a big part of perfect has nothing whatsoever to do with humility. For me, that place was, first, a real crisis of faith. And the answer was to accept and believe and believe it was okay to reply honestly: "I don't know. I love you so much, but [I]I don't know.[/I]" There is such honesty in saying so, when we have built a persona around: I know. I will find out and then, I will know and then I will tell you. I will tell you [I]and you will listen.[/I] That is where I would trip myself up. That is where I would clean myself up. Right there. Yes. I know! What a freaking eye opener that was. Ew. Me, too. Me, too. Nicely spoken, COM. Very nice. I like this description very much, for me. Thank you. [I]"...and me being the one who was going to lead him to a better life."[/I] It takes courage to reach that point. We are their mothers (or fathers). We are supposed to know; we are supposed somehow, to love them enough to love them through it. That is how the ugliness of the moral corruption that happens when we routinely enable begins. Love. That's why it's so hard to see it. We see the ties, the conditions, our love carries. We have to look that one right square in the eyes and see ourselves, there. And see what our love has become. How did that ever happen to us? But it did. And when we can see this, then we have let go of perfect. And embraced humility. That must be what I am working toward, now. It's a really, really hard thing. I think I have the time piece. I remind myself I have time; just a little space of time, to do nothing. Maybe, the time it takes to draw a breath. And then, to draw another, fuller breath. I just had to go back and put this quote in my response, too. I have such trouble with obedience. I'm serious. Me, too. And I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting in my life. Ahem. [I]"You don't have to believe everything you think."[/I] I think it was Eckhart Tolle who said that. Yes. We learn they are meant to be their own safe harbor; their own best, internalized mother within. Our time for that kind of mothering we did when they were little is over. We respond to their pain, and mother from those times. Maybe, that is why, when our kids are so troubled and in such danger, we see their faces when they were little. Our job now, if we intend to function as the mothers they need now, is to trust that we have done our jobs well; that we have been good enough moms, and that they have everything they need already, to meet whatever challenge life presents them. We are their witnesses; their people who believe they can. That is what enabling destroys. The adult child's trust in himself. Well, and it destroys our trust in him (or her), too. We rush to the rescue, confirming our belief and instilling in them the belief, that they need us. What they need is themselves. Is to trust in themselves. If we had behaved that way when they were toddlers learning to walk, they would still be crawling, today. But you know? Those little stinkers used to get just far enough away from me, when they were toddlers, and fall down, anyway. In a sense? That is what our adult kids are doing, now. Getting far enough away from us that finally, they can stumble and fall and learn to walk. When you see it that way, the kids are doing that. Getting into more and more dangerous, prone to fall down situations to see whether they can walk...or whether we are right, and that they cannot do it without us. Ew. I know. I hardly recognize myself. But I like the way I see, now. I might even like myself. Yes. That is true. I think before, I liked the picture of myself. The one where, if I didn't know, I knew I would find out. Now, I am like, "Oh, yay. Morning." Before, I was like, "Morning. Today I will...." And then? Come H*** or highwater, that is exactly what I would do. But I was never, ever, done. That's true. I was chased by guilt, before. Now, I am just here. Thank you, Child of Mine. Cedar Yes. The difference now is I see them. Before, I would fix them. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
We don't think ourselves into a new way of living; we live ourselves into a new way of thinking.
Top