We have a court date

[exhausted]

The letters came today. August 2nd for a preliminary probation hearing and the 10th before our not so favorite judge. We have never had a preliminary hearing. She is charged with joy riding (felony), driving without a license, and leaving the scene. So they did listen to my son when he called to up the charges.

She ran off last night because we confronted her about the missing $15.00 and the "skunk" smell which my husband said is MJ. She owned the money part but refused to own the MJ. She knows we forbid it in our home. Still have no idea where she is. She said she would be back and took a bag of clothes with her. We asked her to call and let us know she was ok. We cannot keep her from going-we have done everything and nothing works.

What do I ask the court for? I do not want to enable but I do not think jail is the place for her this second and then who knows in the next second. She has spent 3 years out of society in RTCs (which are even more restrictive and emotionally draining than jail) and comes out worse every time. She is so sick with the PTSD-can't sleep well is triggered into major anxiety and the impulse issues are huge with the Borderline (BPD). She has been "sober" from sexual acting out for about 5 months but she still does other weird things like write to prisoners (its been awhile on this one since I caught her but who knows). I don't know the answer. I kind of wish she would be on major probation with drug testing, mandated going to school or at least job training, and following rules at home. At the hearing we will be asked to help them decide what is in her best interest (says this in the letter). My plan was to let go and let god-now I am doubting. Any advise? What would you do?

 

[AmericanGirl]

I'd pray a long time about it and then try to write down my ideal plan complete with checks and balances. Are they any psy recommendations?

 

[exhausted]

She has not been to the psychiatric. since her release from state Residential Treatment Center (RTC) last August. She refuses her medications so no need. She does have an appointment early Oct. to look at new medications esp. sleeping medications. because she doesn't sleep. She does have a new therapist. She has had 3 since her release, the EMDR therapist moved, she did not like the second one (me either, no experience with difficult child issues), and just started this 3rd one who comes out of her first Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-she knew him there and decided he would be good. We do have a thing here called mental health court but they refused her when she was dropped (and I do mean dropped) by the courts after she tried to committ suicide in the state Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They said she had to exhibit the ability to not run away for a few months and also had to be under the court system. She hasn't been until now. She has done better with running until last night-she was home for several months and never left without permission but......Pray is right!

 

[recoveringenabler]

This is not my area of experience, however, I've read your post a couple of times and my first (gut/heart) reaction is to do exactly what you state in your post....recommend to the court, major probation with drug testing, mandated going to school or at least job training and following rules at home. That sounds reasonable and you know her the best to be able to advocate for her in the system.

As a mother who has been on the same kind of ride as you, I let go and reconsidered quite a number of times, I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way, you have to live with your choice, you have to know you gave her everything you could. You are the only one who knows when to let go and let God. This may not be that moment when she is subject to a system which is not always just and certainly not always the right answer for a kid who is only 17.

I doubted myself a million times, I guess it's part of this odd landscape we find ourselves in, doubt is a human response to difficult circumstances. It really is one step at a time, each one offering new options, new evidence, new information, how you felt a week ago is now different, that's what makes this all so stressful, nothing is just right or wrong, good or bad, it's all subject to continual change and continuing scrutiny, it's exhausting and forces all the doubts to the surface, over and over again.

Has she returned home yet? How are you feeling today about all of it? I agree with what AG said, PRAY and write a detailed plan you can submit to the court which you can live with and provides her with the correct amount of personal responsibility. I so know how you feel, it's tough. I hope you've gleaned some clarity and that she's come home. I'm thinking about you and sending you hugs and prayers for the appropriate solution to reveal itself to you and SOON.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Exhausted, I remembered something my difficult children attorney suggested when we tried to get him court ordered to therapy. He suggested not to have him sent there but to require that the therapist be able to tell the court he was making adequate progress. It is the ole...you can lead a horse to water....he wanted to make him drink.

I've been thinking about your question. I'd tend to ask for...

Therapy and acceptable progress as determined by the therapist.
completion of anything else the therapist asks.
school/training attendance and decent grades.
no issues with police.

It would be great if they would add no association with users, felons, etc.

Just my thoughts. Hope it helps!

 

[exhausted]

thank you both. Really good ideas. What about restitution? Should I include this?

 

[recoveringenabler]

Interesting thought, restitution. Well, I would say yes, that's part of responsibility, right? I just gave my difficult child a detailed list of all the money I just spent on her in the last 2 months, a lot of it spent for the problems she encountered in her last jail stay .I told her I expect to be paid back. I may never get that money back, however, when I finished writing that list and gave it to her, it made a difference to me. I could see right there in black and white what it cost me. The act of committing your ideas to paper, detailing your expectations, making it very, very clear, may be a cathartic experience for you. And, then to be in an 'official' courtroom when you submit your well thought out document may have a bigger impact on your difficult child as well.

 

[AmericanGirl]

I agree with recovering enabler. Just showing it to her is a part of her education of knowing the full damage of her choices.

While I think it is easy for difficult children to get overwhelmed by making amends, she should be held accountable to the best of her ability. My mine, I told him I would handle the medical but the legal...that's his job. Of course he owes me a small fortune right now on that.

 

[exhausted]

Thank you again. She is not home-3 nights away. Sat. she did respond to a FB message I sent and said "I'm OK", thats it. She has therapy tomorrow so I hope she comes home. I don't know where she is. Probably her usual place about 30 miles away.
I am going to write these court orders up. Could you give me feedback?

Also another question. I'm pretty sure she has not told the therapist she got into trouble in March-should I tell him and also ask if he is willing to report to the court? I was going to stay out of her therapy because she made it clear it was for her and not to involve the family, but this is about her.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Geez, on top of all of it you have to worry about her and where she is, I'm sorry, I know how that feels too. I'll give you any feedback you want as I'm sure others more experienced will as well. These are all hard calls, I understand your dilemma, and since you're asking, if it were me, I would involve the therapist, it is about her and this is the justice system, this is serious stuff, she's still only 17. I would arm myself with all the ammo I could muster up to try to get her the appropriate kind of help as well as the appropriate consequence. As we all know, the courts don't always make decisions that are healthy for our kids. As AG mentioned, the therapist might be willing to write up a recommendation of his own which might then help enforce yours. The therapist may also be able to offer you feedback you haven't considered yet.

I'm sure you've hit these kinds of walls before, but if you haven't already considered it, you might explain to her that you are pulling out all the stops to support her, THIS time, but this is the final time, she will be 18 soon and any further trouble she finds herself in with the law, she is on her own. I don't know the whole background, but that may be an option. This last go around with my difficult child was the last one, I made that very clear. Of course mine is a grown woman and yours is still a teenager, so I'm not sure where that line gets drawn for you. You're doing a good job of gathering all the facts and thinking it all through.