We know where my daughter is

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    A friend of the family, who has kids that play with my nephew told us today that her daughter sees my daughter almost everyday. She didn't know that my daughter was missing so she never said anything. She told us today that my daughter has been staying with people that live in her daughters apartment building. These kids she is staying with are bad news. Of course they are or she wouldn't be hanging out with them. These kids actually robbed her daughters apartment, took food out of the fridge and all the Christmas presents under the tree, their money and jewelry as well. One of the kids ratted on the other. My daughter was not involved with the robbery, thank God for small favors!!! So my daughter has been in my town the entire time!!!! At first I was going to call the police and tell them where she is but I decided to wait and let my friends daughter call them when she knows my daughter is actually there. I am afraid that the cops will go there and my daughter will run if she isn't there when the cops show up. So my friends daughter will call the police and explain to them that my daughter is a runaway and also has a bench warrant out on her for missing a court date. She will call them only when she knows for sure my daughter is in that apartment. So this little stinker has been within a 5 mile radius of my home the entire time!!!!

    When she does finally get caught she is going to have the shock of her life when she finds out that I will not accept her phone calls or visit her in jail!!! She decided to let me stew with worry, she wanted to be on her own, well she will get exactly what she wants as she will be on her own in jail!!! I am no longer sad, I am mad as hell right now!!! She is the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my life. She could have at least called me to say that she was okay. She knows good and xxxxx well that I am a wreck with worry but she just doesn't care. I am now only going to concentrate on myself and the other members of my family. I have wasted toooooo many years and way toooooo much energy on this kid who just won't give anything back!!! I AM DONE!!! If this is the kind of life she wants to live well she will live it on her own. I will no longer pick up the pieces of her life for her. I will only help her when I think she is really ready to make an effort.

    It's now a waiting game. She is on the verge of being arrested, yet again. I really want to go over to that apartment myself and RING HER NECK!!!!!

    Thanks for listening. I will let you all know when she is caught. :)
    Lasted edited by : Dec 15, 2008
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    oh i am so sorry i can't imagine what you have been going through. Im so glad you found out where she is. You must feel some level of relief. yet now i know there is more to come. Im glad that you located her. You've hung tough through this entire thing you are a strong strong woman.

  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry. Hopefully she will get arrested before she has a chance to get into even deeper trouble.

    Good for you for your decision to detach. She is not going to ever really learn these hard lessons unless she faces the issues on her own. I hope she figures it out soon.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so glad to hear she's okay. Don't make any decisions right now. Wait until you've calmed down. If she were older, I'd agree, it is time to detach, but she's still only 15. For now, try to detach from her behavior. She's at an age where selfishness rules and, if she's like my daughter, she never even considered that you might be worried or scared. For many of our kids, it really is an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

    For now, try hard to not shut any doors out of anger. She didn't run to worry you, she ran because she was scared of going to jail. Sadly, she found a place that sounds pretty much like a party pad and, thus, had no reason to call you. Stinks, but that's the facts on this one.

    I hope she gets some help. She really does sound pretty unstable. For you, many HUGS. I know how hard this is.
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thanks guys!!!

    Meowbunny she is not 15 she is nearly 18!!! She will be 18 on February 16th. I eventually will come around and visit her but not for a while. At least the first month she is on her own!!! This kind of **** has been going on for 5 years. She has always been a handful but it really started to get out of control when she was around 12. She needs to know that she can no longer play me like a fiddle!!! I along with my entire family have been to hell and back with her 10 times over, we are all done. I love her so much but the best thing I can do for her now is let her learn on her own. All of my efforts over the years have turned out to be a waste of my time. She needs to learn the hard way, empathy and kindness does not work with her. Thank you for your concern, I really do appreciate it. :)
  6. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Thank Goodness she is safe ~ I support you in not seeing her ~

    Maybe she will miss her family - Especially with Christmas coming up ~

    I doubt the jail will have her stocking filled Christmas morning ~

    I like the saying - WE LISTEN TO WORDS - WE RESPOND TO PAIN ~

    I know it will be hard for you especially this time of year but you will be doing the right thing by letting her sit ~

    At least you will know where she is and she is safe ~

    Hugs - Judy
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Bran, you said, "She knows good and xxxxxx well that I am a wreck with worry but she just doesn't care."

    She DOES care. She has been trying to punish you. And I agree, you have to stop letting her play you so successfully.

    However, do your best to not give back to her what she has dished out to you. Do not give like for like - all that teaches our kids is revenge and "do unto others before they do unto you".

    Instead, do what you intend - work on yourself, on the others in your family, be happy and carefree (which should be easier once you know she is safely away from these problem people).

    She made her choices, now you have to let her reap what she has sown, without even being tempted to run to the rescue. because she IS going to cry, and weep, and apologise, and beg you to rescue her.

    Do not let this get to you. Instead, be loving but firm. "I love you, you know I do, but you cannot disrupt us any longer. You made your choices, you need to follow through. You also need to make new choices and not have other people make them for you. I love you, stay in touch, I will support you emotionally as long as you're genuine about your efforts, but I will not bail you out from your own mistakes any longer. That would not help you, it would only make it worse for you. It is now time for you to own your own life."

    Good luck. Be strong. Get help and support for yourself and the rest of your family, and detach. Paste a smile on your face even when you feel like you're being ripped apart inside. Soon the smile will trickle through to the inside and begin to warm you a bit deeper.

    Lasted edited by : Dec 15, 2008
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you know where she is. I think detaching is a good thing. Hugs.
  9. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I don't blame you for being furious. What about that creepy guy who called you to report she was prostituting herself? Did she ask him to do that so that you would be worried sick? If so, that is MEAN!

    You will get over the anger and learn to detach. You might feel pounds lighter and years younger when you let go of her.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    A thousand hugs.
    Ironic, right, that a day ago you were worried about her safety, and now you are ready to kill her? I have that feeling about a thousand times a day. Maybe that is the definition of a difficult child????
    Prayers are going out to you..............
  11. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    I will pray for you both. Pray for your daughter. I have a daughter who has hurt me worse than I ever thought possible. They do eventually come around and we as mothers do forgive. My daughter once asked met o STOP praying for her because she couldn't have any fun. I smiled and said "no way"!

    This too shall pass. Hang in there.
  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Bran---detachment is a way to live so that the anger and feelings of disappointment don't color your life. It allows you to continue living your life despite the choices she makes. Your daughter has made choices---they are her choices. She may have done so for a variety of reasons---mental illness or spite. Either way she has to suffer the consequences. You can only control your reactions to her choices. If you continue to react the way you are, you will continue to feed her choices. The way to truly detach is to train your mind not to react. You put the ball in her court. Last week my son made a stupid choice. He ended up with a broken nose and missed two days of work. I remained calm. I calmly told him my thoughts. I was unemotional. Did it hurt to see him bleeding and in pain---yes. But, if I allow him to know my feelings, he is one who will turn them on me and use them to manipulate me. Even if you are angry and hurt, you can't let them see that. When you react strongly, they will counter. Stop reacting. Stop letting her see what her actions do to you.
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, Shawna!
  14. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    I understand your dissapointment in your daughter, but really - she is ill and she won't accept it.

    I am also worried what would happen when the police turns up in among youth which is bad company. The police has to protect themselves and what if one of the others are armed. Your daughter could be caught in the crossfire. I remember a story where a couple of parents lost their son because they called the police and the officers had to protect themselves when the youth took some gardening tools and went after them.

    Maybe the best would be for some civilians to take her in.

    Then what is next? Are you sure that they would keep her in jail? What if they release her into some kind of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) from where they release her once she turn 18 because the society is short on money. Many knows how difficult it is to get people into inpatient programs.

    What we dont know is what kind of sentence the court would give for the original crime - her stealing your money. We know that it is not a life-sentence.

    I support you to let her go, but does it have to be to a jail?

    What if you dropped the charges and let her live her own life as she is doing right now? Then you dont have to disconnect the phone or get caller-ID. She could make bad choices or she could make good ones. But she would start her adult life without a record which would make it easier for her to make the right choices and take a job.

    I don't that it is hard situation and I pray that it will turn out well in the long run.
  15. Transparent

    Transparent New Member

    I haven't been here long enough to know what is right or wrong in your situation but I did want to offer positive thoughts and prayers for you and your daughter. I hope something good arises from your situation soon.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Scratch my entire reply. Don't know why I thought she was 15. Yup. Let her stew. At 17, she really does need to suffer the consequences of her actions. Hope she gets picked up soon before she gets totally sucked into doing the garbage the other kids are doing -- breaking into someone's home and stealing is pretty unforgiveable in my mind, especially stealing Christmas presents.
  17. lillians

    lillians lillians

    i havent been here long ,, so do not know what her diagnosis is,, i know my daughter at 18 will still have very young capabilities,, i am glad she is safe,, i wish yu all well,, i hope that yu can detache from the behaviours
  18. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    in my humble opinion, I think Marg, as well as the others who said to detach, have given you the best advice. My heart goes out to you...

    difficult child 1 will be 18 soon and he will be moving out of our house after he graduates from high school in June. He has BIG plans but no way to carry them out. He REFUSES to do anything he needs to do to help himself.:mad: Gaming seems to be his way of life, period.

    Even though the situation between your difficult child and difficult child 1 is very different, we know we need to detach from difficult child 1. He has to learn from his own mistakes. And, if he doesn't, it is his life, not ours.

    I think all we can do is to be there for our difficult children emotionally if they honestly do things to help themselves. However, we should not let their problems destroy our lives too. I know this is easier said than done, and I haven't walked in your shoes yet. So, I guess I'm not the best one to give advice!!!

    I hope your difficult child will learn from her mistakes. I hope you and the rest of your family are able to find peace and happiness regardless of the choices your difficult child makes. WFEN
  19. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I couldn't even begin to tell you all how much your support means to me. I really do consider you all as friends!!! I look forward to posting and reading the responses because you get it in a way no one else in my life does!!!

    Thank you so much for supporting me. I have had a pretty good week. No tears, no panic attacks and I actually slept through the night TWICE this past week!!! I am trying really hard to detach as much as possible. I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul, I just can't be her soft place any longer. She needs to find her own way and when she is ready to embrace her illness and work the services we have in place for her then I will give 110% to the cause. Until then, the only thing that I can do is live my life and wait until that day comes. I pray it comes very soon. I can no longer allow her drama to control my entire person. Christmas will be very difficult for me. We all bought her presents, however she won't be getting them until she comes out of jail. I WILL NOT FALL APART, I will enjoy Christmas morning with my son!!! I keep telling myself that. I love Christmas, this is by far my favorite time of year. I always go overboard and buy my kids way too many gifts. This year my daughter barely got anything, about half of what she normally gets and she can't even have them!! That will be hard, but no one ever said being a parent is easy - right???

    Rotsne, I understand what you are saying, however there is no where else to put her. I can only drop the charges if the DA agrees. At this point, after he went out on a limb for her and she skipped her court date and is now missing, there is no way he will be willing to do so. She has already been in 3 different rtcs, two of which were out of state, Juvie twice and several hospitalizations. What else can we do with this kid who refuses to learn from her mistakes. I agree Jail is not the best scenario for her with regards to her treatment but hey, when you commit crimes in the real world society does not care whether you are mentally ill or not. Ideally, there would be some kind of adult Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that we can put her in against her will and have the state pay for it but thats just not how it works. I do appreciate your concern, thank you for caring.

    I will keep you all updated. Once again, thank you so much for all of your prayers, well wishes and shoulders to cry on. You will never know how much you all mean to me!!! :)
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Hugs Bran}} I'm glad you were able to finally get a decent night's sleep - you certainly deserve it. Your daughter sounds like so many on this board. It stinks and I hope you're able to be strong when it will really matter - when she has to be held responsible for her actions. Hang in there. Sending strength!