We no longer have an empty nest, sigh!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Dec 4, 2010.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    easy child/difficult child is back at home. He is sleeping on the sofa as there is no bed in his old room. I have told him that husband and I will not and can not return to a life of late nights drunken episodes, cell phone disruptions etc. We have had two months of dull peace and are used to disconnecting the phone at 8 PM and getting ready for bed.

    We have not invited him to come stay unless he is prepared to lead a life without the drama and excitement that most young alcoholics crave. He is not prepared to go to AA as he says "I've cut way back on the booze etc. on my own." I don't doubt that he believes that.....we don't.

    His disability hearing is scheduled in about six weeks and he is hopeful that the attorneys will be successful. He is disabled from the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and he is also disabled from the addictions. His short term memory loss (magnified by booze) does exist and his lack of focus does make regular work impossible...or close to it. After five years post brain surgery it's finally coming to the wire.

    His probation ends in March. That will be a biggie, too. Sadly I do not believe he will take the opportunity to get sober, relocate to easy child's city and start building a life for himself. If he can't do that, well, he is definitely going to be on his own in our town. Meanwhile we are back floating in the "grey area" of parenting. We'll see how it goes for the next four months. It breaks my heart to say it but I don't believe he will end up a easy child. I expect the addiction will lead to a full difficult child. DDD
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry to hear that difficult child/easy child is still drinking. I'm sure it's disappointing. I don't really have any advice but I'm sending some kind thoughts to you and your husband. The two of you have been good parents to him.
  3. Bean

    Bean Member

    It sounds like he's not really committing to changing, but he is still coming home. I'm just curious - do you have any parameters set, or are you wiling to let him stay there, despite what he says/does/doesn't do? What have you guys worked out?
  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm sorry to hear that difficult child/easy child is still drinking and in denial. Sounds like just where my difficult child 1 is. He also thinks there's no need for AA and that he 'has things under control'.
    I hope your difficult child/easy child will abide by your house rules and that you'll be able to keep the household peaceful. difficult child 1 also has a disability hearing in about five to six weeks. He
    is hopeful but I don't have much optimism.
    Sending warm wishes and hopes that things will go smoothly.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs))) 3D

    I hope the disability hearing goes well. Five years post injury it is very doubtful there will be more improvement. So sorry he is still in denial and still drinking. Hoping the coming weeks are difficult child drama free.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support. I, too, am doubtful about the disability hearing Katya. on the other hand he did take the initiative to contact an attorney and is hoping that since the lawyers get $$'s that they will be strong advocates for him.

    Bean the plan is simple (sad to say). If he chooses to get drunk he is not welcome to come home. He'll have to spend the night was some friend. I do not answer the telephone at night so I am not available to pick him up from his haunt. He is welcome here when he is sober and taking care of his own cleanup, laundry etc. When sober he is 99.9% respectful so his presence is not stressful...except when he is drunk. That's a whole different story.

    Guess we'll see how it goes. As for now...I am not buying a replacement bed! DDD
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    D3, I'm sorry, I must have lost track. The last I heard was that he and difficult child were sharing an apartment. What happened? It doesn't sound like he's proven he can live the life/follow the rules you expect so I'm confused as to why he's back when it's somewhat probable that he'll fail? Please bring me up to speed.

    Big sigh. I don't envy you.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD you have been so understanding and supportive of my situation and it sounds like we are in the same position right now. I'm sorry that your peace has been disrupted but you have made the conditions for him staying there clear and it's now up to him to abide. I think about you often, we are in this together. Addiction is a terrible disease.

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks and amen, Nancy.

    Suz the apartment sharing has turned into a big problem. difficult child has a livein girlfriend who is unmedicated BiPolar (BP) and a bit more than
    promiscious. She used to cook and clean as her contribution but lately she is now going out to spend the night with "friends" but also bringing two or three "friend" to the shared apartment. Last night she shared the sleeper sofa with a male friend!

    easy child/difficult child told his brother that he had to choose. girlfriend or Bro?? difficult child isn't able to choose, big surprise. So easy child/difficult child is using our house (his home, of course) as a sanity restorer. He is a easy child when with us. If he "feels the need" then he goes back to the apartment or with friends.

    I know that ideally he would be capable of living independently and soberly...but husband and I know that he is not strong enough
    to do that yet. Perhaps he will never be! But after his long probation is over in a few months we are going to more than encourage him to relocate to easy child's and make a stab at living a life free of local influence. easy child's husband had a major
    alcohol problem for a number of years. They understand addiction and will have a zero tolerance. on the other hand they do love him
    also and will be able to make sure he gets a job and has opportunities to grow and mature.

    We keep hoping for the best and staying prepared for the worst. It's still possible that any day something disastrous will happen due to his impulsiveness, his poor thinking and his addiction. It's been a loonngg ten years! DDD
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Thank you for filling in some blanks, D3.

    I understand about your grandson not being able to live by himself. I don't think Rob could either and, after his accident and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), it would be even more difficult for him. It is a constant worry and heartache.

    Where does easy child live? In a different county or state? Is that why he can't move there until after his probation is over?

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    He is not allowed to go out of the County, Suz, without his PO's approval and his total fees paid. In fact there is a remaining amount due of over a grand that must be paid this month (she has said Dec. and she has also said Jan. :nonono:)
    Obviously he has only been able to pay small payments over the past five years since he hasn't been able to work and as a result his birthday, Christmas money goes to probation and we fork over what is required. Now is not a good time for us to come up with the balance! But...guess what...if it is not paid by the deadline he will be violated and taken to jail. Once in jail he then (and only then) can ask for a long term payment schedule.

    In five years + he has not had a driving ticket, has not failed a drug test, has not missed one monthly appointment or the
    occasional required home visits. He was arrested a few years ago for displaying behaviors of intoxication (you may recall he was kept for seven months in the local jail because the DA was hellbent on sending him to prison even tho he did not have anywhere near the points required to do so). A full neuropsycologial evaluation was done by the State which showed Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) damage etc. which combined with my presentation to the Court allowed him out and back for the duration of his probation period.

    So....husband and I want him to have his probation behind him and the opportunity for a fresh start IF he will go. He is not the self-confident young man he used to be. He has lots of friends and knows most everybody where we live. We are afraid he will decide to stay in his comfort zone of our small community. IF he does not take the opportunity for a fresh
    start :sigh: we will have no choice but to cut him loose. There are a couple of nice local cops who have recently told him
    "I hope you know that everyone knows your probation is almost over and they plan to watch you like a hawk!" easy child/difficult child
    replied "I know that but if I don't do anything wrong it won't make any difference." husband and I know that he is being naive
    and "they will get him" one way or another. It's truly sad. DDD
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    That is just terrible, D3. Just terrible.