We offered to help - he declined, now what?

[xnmmi77]

Hi, new guy here. Our son is 30, he quit the job he had held for 4 years in the UC system in the Bay Area over the summer. He moved in with his newest girlfriend into her "apartment" which turned out to be in a building not unlike the one that became, sadly, The Ghost Ship tragedy. The girlfriend is unemployed and was when he moved in - the building, illegal for residency was red-tagged in October and they have been squatting in it since they have no place to go and no vehicle to move their stuff in. The power has been on, until now. He has been collecting unemployment, but that is nearing the end in the next few weeks.

We offered to drive up there and collect both of them and their things and bring them back here. He wants no part of being back here because of the ties he thinks he has to the bay area and he sees no positive outcome in coming back to the LA metro area - he is afraid that if he comes back down here, he will never get back up to where he wants to be - he will not come here to make a new start at a different chapter in life and has no intention of looking for work. He is not on drugs, and neither is the girlfriend, nor is he mentally or physically incapable of earning a middle income wage - he is simply choosing not to. He is suffering from some depression, clearly, but, he will not make the choice to better his situation.

What can we do? All we want is to have him and the girlfriend safe and secure with a roof over their heads and food on the table along with the basic comforts of life. We worry constantly now that the power will be turned off any day, if it isn't already - the only option for them is the street or to be split up into separate living shelters - she would abide that life - he, could not.

 

[Tired out]

xnmmi77, Awww. I am sad for you. I am sure you feel helpless. The fact is he is in charge of his life. When it gets uncomfortable enough he will get a job or ask you for help.
I hope (for your peace of mind) it doesn't take him too long to wake up.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Sorry about the angst.

Your son is 30. That isnt young. You may not know the whole story. But you cant make these adults do anything.

We can control one person on earth and only one....us. There are no magic words to make this man, your son, accept your help. He may feel he is too old to live with you.

He is! Maybe its that, maybe something else. He doesnt seem to want to leave his city.

I personally would never let a grown child's girlfriend in my home but this isnt about me. We are all different. This is about your situation.

You made an offer to rescue them. They turned you down.

You cant be that young.

I am a big believer in living our own lives the best we can and not try to change our adult kids. Usually it doesnt work.

Try to be good to you and turn to healthy loved ones and friends and let your son live his own life, good or bad. He will do so anyway.

Please dont let this ruin your health, mental or physical. Your son will get his life together when HE wants to and is VERY capable of doing so without any help from you. He is smart!

If he cant abide his lifestyle, he can get a job and change it for the better. He is educated with a job resume. He can change things at any time.

Take care of YOU!

Love and ligjt! It will be okay.
.

 

[overcome mom]

Can't help thinking there is more to the story. Why did he quit his job? What does he want his life to look like? You have offered now you just have to sit back and wait for him to make the next move. It's so hard to watch our children make choices that we "know" are not good ones even if they are not really "children" anymore. Even if you have the money to support he and his girl friend should you? Would you just be enabling him to continue to not work? If he does take your money or move home have you decided what limits, conditions you have on it? I feel for you, it is so hard to not worry if your children don't have the basic needs of life. Keep us updated.

 

[Crayola13]

You might end up supporting them if they decide to take your offer. Do you really want the girlfriend living with you? It sounds like he had a fairly good job and is capable of getting a new one. It also sounds like he's flat broke. Maybe he's depressed and needs counseling or medications. I'm not saying everyone who is depressed needs medications.

 

[Nomad]

I also would pretty much never let a grown man (son) move into my home.Also no re a girlfriend.
It would have to be an extraordinary situation and for a very limited period of time like 2-4 weeks with a clear cut understanding of the time period. But...truly, I think this is a NO.

You might help him with cell phone costs for a finite period of time like six months for the purposes of safety and finding another job.

Give him phone numbers for food stamps etc. Any other social services numbers that might be appropriate.

But, back off financially and with offers of your home (in my humble opinion).

He is too old to be making such very poor decisions.

 

[Nomad]

Also...you might want to see if there is a Families Anonymous Group in your area. These are parents who largely are dealing with children or adult children using drugs, suffering from mental illness or both. They might be able to offer some insight in a variety of ways; including local services.

 

[Elsi]

All we want is to have him and the girlfriend safe and secure with a roof over their heads and food on the table along with the basic comforts of life

Sadly some of our kids don’t want these things. Or they want other things more. The things that seem like no-brainers to us - comfort, safety, stability - just aren’t important to them. His life may look terrible to you, but it is what he has freely chosen. Many people with depression still choose otherwise. Some without depression prefer to live as your son and girlfriend have chosen to live.

The semi-homeless life two of mine have chosen to live looks so much harder to me than simply getting a job, paying bills, and following the basic expectations of society. Being homeless or semi homeless is hard work. You’re always starting from ground zero and paddling as fast as you can just to stay afloat another day. But they don’t see it the way I see it. And I can’t make them.

Your son and his girlfriend will make their own choices and figure out their own path. In my opinion the best you can do is love him, provide suggestions and guidance if he seems open to it, but otherwise accept that his life is in his hands. I know what he has chosen looks scary and unsafe to you. But you can’t make other choices for him. Only he can. I’m sorry.

 

[elizabrary]

I can't add much that hasn't already been said, except that I have suffered severe depression and anxiety most of my life but have always managed to keep a job, housing, healthcare, etc. It hasn't always been fun or easy, but I did it. You need to focus on your life, happiness and health. You can't make him do anything and for whatever reason, he feels this is where he should be at the moment. I wonder if he isn't self medicating in some way. It sure sounds like it but I'm sure he would try desperately to hide it from you. At any rate, try and find some peace and do nice things for yourself. Keep busy. All of us here know how horrible these situations are.