We talked last night UGH

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Jan 4, 2009.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    She spent the night last night. It was, shall we say, interesting. I'm not allowed to be angry or upset. It is too late, she's pregnant and it is not my problem, it is hers. Oh, and mom, can you take me to County Health on Monday? Anyone else get the feeling this is the adult child version of "I Hate You But Take Me to Mall" or whatever the exact title of that book is?

    I'm not sure how, but it is my fault she is pregnant. I never told her that a guy would say he couldn't father a baby even when he could. Um, no, I didn't mention that line. I did mention that a guy would say almost anything to have sex. I did say over and over that in this day and age a condom is a necessity. Not just to prevent pregnancy but to protect the female from STDs. So, it is all my fault.

    It's also my fault she's such an emotional wreck. I guess being severely abused as an infant and toddler had nothing to do with it. Nope, being in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) caused it all. I didn't love her enough to keep her with me.

    by the way -- These were some of the kinder things she told me last night.

    On top of this, she thinks her roomie won't let her give the baby up for adoption even if she decides to do that. He and his family believe a baby is a blessing. He was planning to move to Miami but will now stay here to help her with the baby. She's waiting for the marriage proposal, which she says she'll turn down. If she marries him, I really am washing my hands of everything. There's no love between them, just a good friendship. He really is lazy and irresponsible (and that's according to both of them).

    This morning we were back to the pipe dreams. Some of it is doable -- getting her GED before the baby is born. But now she's decided she should go to college. I bit my tongue. It may be possible in the future but not right after the baby is born. She is so unrealistic. I dread when reality hits her on the face at how hard it is to raise a baby and work, let alone raise a child, work and go to school with no mate in the picture.

    Hope everyone else's New Year is a lot better than this one is starting out to be for this household.
  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    She is lashing out. In spite of how she presents - she is terrified. And of course she is blaming you. She feels closest to you - you're her safest outlet.

    I'm sorry meowbunny.

    If she chooses to keep this baby, she has a hard road ahead of her. And in spite of what people tell you about 'this being her choice - her consequences', you will feel the pain and stresses too. Our kids choices affect us - I don't care how much we think we've detached. And I'm sorry for that too.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i'm sorry i figured there would be a bad talk coming, it was bound to happen. She is lashing out bigtime. You just gotta shut that down, you need not get hurt in this. You weren't there, you didn't force them to have sex. she wants to play like an adult than boom here you go. sorry that was rough, i just hate the classic i'm like this due to you carp. i get that alot.

    tha'Tourette's Syndrome what i told easy child you wanna play in the adult world now here are alot more responsibities that adults do. also adults learn self control it's part of being an adult.

    i hope things calm. keep your distance to some extent. i had a feeling she'd go for you.

    i'm just sending you hugs right now. i'm sure there will be more to come before she gets her head clear somewhat. just stay well yourself.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Yep, if she can make you feel guilty about this you might just take it all away for her! But of course, that will be after a gazillion attempts on your part to find the answer SHE wants.

    I am the total of all non-easy child diva's problems. I knew that the second she was born - OMG that attitude she had when she cried - I am the all and all, you better listen and do as I command.

    I truly believe that every time non-easy child diva comes home and swears at me for no reason I can tell it is because something in her life is not going right and of course it is my fault!

    She is trying to transfer the responsibility to you.

    The "I hate you but you better cater to me" attitude is what led me to start the "Ask nothing of me until you can be nice to me for one month" discipline. It took my non-easy child diva about 3 months before she was allowed to ask anything of me. I am very close to implementing it again.

    I am so sorry for what you are going through - it is something I think about in our home also.
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    I am so sorry Meowbunny. Know this might not be possible, but are you interested in caring for the baby? (I know this is a sore subject with many of us).
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Oh, she knows my involvement in any infant will be minimal. I've never been around babies, have no desire to be around babiies and don't particularly like babies. Sorry, ladies, but babies are not cute to me! They're snowpeople that move. I will help her as much as I can. I will not raise the baby. I will not watch it 24/7 or even for an entire day. I will watch it for a couple of hours.

    Fortunately, the other set of grandparents adore babies and happily have their illegitimate grandkids at their house all the time. Nothing like finding out that all of their boys have done this, right?

    As I told her, I will probably love the baby because it is part of her. I don't know if I will love the baby on its own. I don't know if I'm capable of that. This issue really is one of those things we will have to wait and see how I react.
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh Meowbunny, I am so sorry!!! I know you are heartbroken. I would be to. I think I would feel exactly the same as you do.

    We parents are the fault for everything. My daughter is the same way, she blames me for putting her in rtcs, hospitals, therapists and so on... To them it is a punishment for they can't see the disaster they are heading into, we on the other hand can. They live in their own little world where everything that is "bad" for them is blissful. I think that is the way most young people think. A difficult child thinks that way to the 10th power. It is very frustrating to watch our children make these horrible decisions that we know will only make their lives harder. Sometimes I wish we could just smack them back into reality. You know the way it happens on TV, someone is out of control, someone else smacks them in the face and then boom, back to reality!!! If only.

    As far as how you will feel about the baby, however you feel is how you feel. No one can ever judge you for it, only you are walking in your shoes!!! If you fall madly in love with the baby - great, if you don't, that's okay too. We all do what we are emotionally capable of.

    I wish I had some magical words of wisdom to make this all better for you. You are in my thoughts.

    Shawna :)
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    MB, many hugs to you. I understand what you're saying...I'm not a "baby person" either. I made that very clear to Miss KT.

    I'm so sorry she's taking it out on you.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    This 'I'm an adult but still a child' stuff just kills me. She wants so desperately to be an adult and now that she's PG, she thinks this is her ticket to behaving as an adult....yet....she is still asking baby girl questions and needing Mommy to hold her hand for everything.

    You know, even a mid-20 or even mid-30 woman to be PG may reach out to her Mom for help and advice when PG...but this is not what she's doing. A mature woman would have already made the appointment with her DR. A mature woman would be in a position that, granted may not be perfect but, would enable her to 'pull it together' and be a mom all around.

    Can you tell I'm putting myself completely into your shoes [concerning MY difficult child]??

    MB, I give you a lot of credit for biting your tongue. And as well for being able to put your feelings about the baby into proper perspective. It's not about accepting the baby - it's about accepting your difficult child's choices.

    Sending many MANY hugs and mommy support.
  10. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    How about take her to planned parenthood for conseling about her unintended pregnancy?
    It won't hurt her one bit to met with women who are not convinced that unintended pregnancy is the best or only choice for young women who are pregnant because they are fertile and lack effective birth control. Even if she choses to continue with this unintended pregnancy she will be better equipt to say yes to effective birth control after delivery.
    Also, the romantic notion that the womanizer roommate will be a help to her may not get the lip bitten treatment a parent may feel comfortable with, either.
    The stigma of fertility as some heartbreaking failure is really somthing that needs a second look on a global scale. Having another conselor who will walk through the options and help this unintended potential mother rethink her own right to life including her own economic power and a intentional partner or at least I real wish for a family. Look my uterus works is just stale.
    Hearing that you are not intending to help her to reproduce just because she can is a wake up call.
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sorry. But you knew from the outset this would be your fault. Isn't it always! I would tell her the # and location of the clinic and if I were going out I would drop her off, run my errands, and come back to pick her up. She made this choice. She will have to deal with the stuff that comes with it herself. by the way---how far along is she?
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When it comes to difficult child's, sometimes they are just amazing. You aren't under any obligation to play doting grandma. Let the other pair do that. I love babies, so my own daughters would be really lucky if this happened to them (I pray it doesn't), however NOT EVERYONE DOES. So since sperm donor's parents are do excited about their boys breeding, let them do it. At least you know the baby will have some care beyond your daughter and the sperm donor.
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    She's been to Planned Parenthood before. Sadly, there was a "scare" with an old boyfriend. I just can't believe she was dumb enough to have it happen again.

    She's between 2.5 and 3 months, so abortion is out of the question. She says she really didn't know she was pregnant before Saturday and only then when one of her friends suggested it. She did have a light period in December and it was apparently October or November when they last did anything together. Sometimes my child really is clueless.

    I'm not going to bother punishing her for this. I'll be there if she needs rides, etc. Let's face it, having a baby with no education and a deadend job is punishment enough. If she decides to give it up for adoption, that will also be a pretty severe punishment. No matter what, she will be bearing the brunt of parenthood in this matter. I'll be there to give her emotional support as much as I can. The rest really will be on her.

    She'll be 22 in 4 days but it is such a young 22. Emotionally, I'd put her more at 15-16. She's doing good all things considered, probably better than I am but, then, I can see the difficulties she will be facing. She can't.
  14. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    is she living with you now again? Im not sure how you would even go about punishing someone her age especially if she doesnt live with you? there are cer tainly more than enough "natural consequences" here, anyway.

    There are a couple good things here in this. Did she come up with going to county health on her own? she just realized she was preg on Sat and has thought of going there for tomorrow? Thats a good thing. does she drive?

    It took me a second to figure out the word illegitimate, LOL, sorry. my husband is sensitive to the word, he was illegitimate....and it has always bothered him. Me? My dad was a huge weirdo, major jerk, and with him as a father I WISH I would have been illegitimate and that he would have stayed far far away......husband called PCs unborn baby illegitimate once......I will not permit him to use the word again pertaining to my grandchild. But anyway..the other good thing is that the other grandparents do sound like they will step up and pitch in.......it takes all kinds of different peole in this world, and we all do have good and useful purposes etc. It sounds like this baby will have the benefit of cousins etc, anyway....even if they are illegitimate, too....I do not think babies or toddlers or kids care so much about that status. My PCs boyfriend is in the picture and being pretty involved etc..... hes working and going to school, as is my easy child......and he is at all the doctor appts etc....and here daily, with easy child in between their work and school......but..his mother? yikes. we had NO idea, neither did PCs boyfriend....she has been diagnosis'ed schizophrenic........she decided that altho easy child and boyfriend have been exclusive for over 3 years.....the baby is NOT her sons AND at same time, she also says there IS no baby, and the ultrasounds are all part of a bigger conspiracy. we are not at all sure what we are ging to do with HER. She also said she has brst cancer, but cannot have biopsy done becuz it is a conspiracy to put an implant in her for tracking purposes? easy child has discussed bfs mom with us, and we have all decided it is best for baby and easy child if they stay far away from bfs mother.

    BUT your daughter thinking to go to county health IS a good thing, and so is the fact that the baby to bes fathers family is supportive.
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If she wants to place the baby for adoption but the father wants to parent, she can either bring the baby to him and leave or claim "safe haven" for the baby at the hospital when she is discharged and give the hospital his name and number.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    She really feels that he and his family raising the baby is not an option and, from what I've seen and heard, I agree. Sometimes loving a child is really not enough.
  17. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Again, I have nothing to offer but sympathy and prayers. I am so sorry.