Weary mom of 15 year old son

[tryingtobreathe]

We (my husband and I) have had issues with our son for the last 6 years. Every time he would lie, steal, fail a class, etc, we would think "what could we do differently?". This past year we finally figured out that there is something drastically wrong and it isn't our parenting style. We waited 6 months for him to get into a neuro psychologist. He was diagnosed with conduct disorder. He refuses to take medications (and in our state they will not prescribe at the age of 15 years old without his consent - ugh). We have met with counselors, the pastor, the school, etc, etc. etc. Now he is using drugs and drinking. Today, he skipped a couple of classes. I am trying to approach this one day at a time, but I am tired. We have called the police twice - once for destruction of property and when we found out about the drug use. Basically, we are starting a paper trail. I feel guilty wanting him out of my house so the rest of us can get some peace and quiet. I still feel as if I am to blame for his behavior. I am meeting with a counselor to help me thru my feelings. I need a break

 

[RN0441]

Welcome

It sounds like you're doing everything you can do. My son was diagnosed with conduct disorder also at 15 and he is now 21 and still not on the path he should be on. Your story sounds almost exactly like mine; more so than anyone else on this forum.

Don't feel bad that you want him out. I felt that way too and I felt bad at that time but this forum wasn't here for me to see that there are so many other parents in the same shoes we were in. I felt so alone. All of our friend's kids and our older boys were "normal".

I literally just found out this week that he faked having anxiety and A.D.D. to get pills. I am still reeling from that one. I feel like an idiot for believing him. I could fill up pages writing what we've been through but I don't want to make you read all that. He still wants to be close to me but he has deceived me and manipulated me so much that I just feel sick from all of it.

I see a therapist too and that has helped me more than words can say to establish boundaries with my son. I hope and pray that you do not have to go through what we've been through but the fact that you came here so early on probably means you won't.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Sorry to hear what you are going through; sounds very similar to my family's story too.

Hopefully you and your spouse are on the same page as far as how to handle him, the boundaries and consequences that will be set, etc. If you know he is drinking and drugging, those are both illegal (drinking is minimum age 18). What will you and his father do about it? That is the key to your sanity and ultimately to him growing up - no matter how long it may take. You are within your rights to call the police, search his room, and have him arrested if he has illegal materials in your home.

If he is a minor you're obligated to provide him with the basic necessities as his parents, as long as you continue to maintain parental rights (and if it gets bad enough, yes, you can turn his custody over to the state and let them handle him). But that doesn't mean he has to have what HE wants. Make him earn the nice things he wants. What you owe him is food (but not necessarily his favorites), a roof, a bed, Walmart clothing, no name gym shoes, no cell phone or a basic "dumb" phone with no data capability, no spending money, no Internet privileges, no computer or tablet until he shapes up and does what you expect him to do. You get the picture.

My family is not able to address our issues because Dad and Mom (I'm stepmom) are not on the same page. My stepson is not able to function in life and his road will be very difficult if not impossible.He does what he wants, has never been held accountable, and the best times of his life are now, when he can get away with this. Life is going to teach him very hard lessons when he is an adult and his enabling father is no longer around. Much better for him to learn those lessons now but it's out of my hands.

Tough love is sometimes the best kind - good luck!

 

[tryingtobreathe]

Thank you for your responses. My son's phone has been taken away. He has not had a computer (except the one issued from the school for homework) for quite some time. The school took away that computer after his last incident. He destroyed our computer a few years ago with porn downloads. Right now it is pretty much school and home. Found a phone in his backpack this morning, which his friend let him "borrow". He took out the SIM card so we can't access the history on the phone. We are driving the phone over to the friend's house to hand it back directly to the parents. Other option is to smash it with a hammer, which I kind of want to do. I alternate between angry, disappointed and feeling bad (when he is polite - which I know he does just to get his way, but boy is he a charmer and it is difficult to not fall back into his trap). Thank you for your support. It is a long journey and I am still in the very beginning